Dear Ones,
Well, first of all I have to say that this post is dedicated to my Patrons at Patreon because I wrote to them twice yesterday about this painting, the wording area was NOT going well — I painted over it and redid it 3 times — and by the time I did it the 3rd time I was literally SO upset, my anxiety went through the roof, that I wrote them a frantic, terrified post and asked them to help me. And help me they did. A number of them wrote to me last night, all to sooth and encourage me and tell me that the painting was just fine and that I needed to CALM DOWN (they said it in a very loving way). I was still very unhappy with it when I went to bed and at 4 a.m I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I decided to just open the laptop and fiddle around for awhile to try to get my mind off my worries, and when I answered an email from a dear Patron who is now like a sister to me, she was up too and we wrote back and forth a few times. It was then that I realized what the problem was. (And when I got up this morning I thought the painting was just fine.)
It made me wonder, for one thing, if all artists are afraid?
What we create is so much a part of us, comes from the deepest part of us, especially when we do very personal work as Maisie and my 100 Ladies are for me — and yes, Delphine is one of the Ladies — that what I realized in the middle of the night is that there was such tremendous pressure on poor Delphine because this past week I decided, and announced, that I would be selling paintings of Ladies (Under the auspices of The 100 Ladies Project which is the work I started in 2013 and did actively for 5 years until Maisie arrived. A page for them is under construction for this site.). They will be $100 each and will also come with a little story about the lady in the picture. The reason for painting and selling them now is to raise money for a fund to hire a designer for Maisie’s book when I finish it which will take a good while yet, but it will be a good bit of money and I have to start making it. So I announced that these paintings would be for sale, and Delphine is the first one, and when I started having so much trouble I doubted not only my ability to do this painting, but the ability to do any of it at all. This kind of doubt is an evil, vicious spirit that fills you until it almost kills you, but, when you make it through to the other side you gain something you would never have otherwise, you gain the courage to go on. And I have, and it is thanks to my dear Patrons who talked me through what surely was a dark night of the soul.
And I will credit my dear friend Katya whom I have often mentioned here for reminding me of the old hippie saying, “Let your freak flag fly.” (And she told me again last night at Patreon that I needed to let my own freak flag fly! Ha!) I have known that phrase for so long I couldn’t remember it’s origins so I looked it up this morning and I thought I would share that here because I’m guessing a lot of people have never heard it.
A person wrote in to Quora asking the question, “What does it mean to let your freak flag fly?” It was answered by Joe Devney (writer/editor/linguist) in this way…
“It means not to hide your eccentricity, your nonconformity.
The expression comes from the hippie era in American culture, in the late 1960s, when men in the hippie “counterculture” wore their hair long. The hippies sometimes humorously referred to themselves as “freaks,” because they saw themselves as very different from mainstream culture. The long hair or unusual clothing would be the metaphorical “freak flag.”
The phrase was made famous in the song “Almost Cut My Hair” by Crosby, Stills and Nash.”
Delphine’s story is one of an older lady who had always tried to do everything she could to fit in. She straightened her hair, dressed “appropriately,” and did “all the right things” but she still never fit in, nor did she feel comfortable in her own skin. Inside she felt like there was a wild woman screaming to get out! One day she looked in the mirror at her long, straightened grey hair and asked herself “What in the hell am I waiting for?” She stopped straightening her hair, had her wild curls streaked with purple and blue, wore the clothes she had always wanted to wear, something between hippie, gypsy, and boho, quit her job, and started painting. And the story goes on. Her whole story will go with the painting to the buyer. These paintings will be one of a kind, never made into prints, painted on 8 1/2 x 11″ very heavy watercolor paper, a unique gift for the buyer to whom a particular Lady speaks.
The problem I was having, you see, was that hand-lettering is not my strong suit. The first time I wrote the text I tried to make it, well, gee, what would I call it, fancy, or special in some way. The second time I just couldn’t get it all to fit in the text box right. And the third time, well (mind, each time I had to start again I had to cover the old text with 2 layers of paint and allow each to dry. It was a LONG process!) it is what you see above. And I looked at it horrified. It was all wonky and lopsided. That’s when I wrote in a panic to my Patrons who immediately showed up to talk me down. But this morning when I looked at it what I realized is that yes, it is wonky and lopsided, BUT THAT’S WHAT MY 100 LADIES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN! It is the hallmark of my work, with the Ladies, with Maisie, everything I do, including my very own self, and the way I live and dress and am, is cattywompus and lopsided, wabi sabi for sure (20 years ago The Utne Reader did an article on wabi sabi. They called me “Wabi Sabi Woman” and posted a picture of my grey parrot Henry on my shoulder talking to me. I have always been “wabi sabi!”), and to that end I thought the lettering, such as it is, is perfect.
Delphine and my friends (Patrons, who are friends, sisters, my community) taught me that it’s okay for me to let my freak flag fly, in my life, in my art, and in every other way that I live. What a gift they gave me. They saved me last night, and they changed everything. So onwards and upwards we go, the Ladies, and Maisie, and I.
Okay brothers and sisters, how about you? Isn’t it time to let your freak flag fly? I think it is! If not, why not? If not now, when?
My Sunday Afternoon With Maitri video is now up! You can see it here…
well thank goodness you came to your senses and realized nobody is perfect and we are all beautiful each in our own way, including you and your 100 ladies and maisie and all her dear creatures. and as long as we can read what is in the box inside you ladies paintings or other creations, then success is assured. my freak flag is a long dark braid and a silver crown, and i adore my two-toned aging-with-grace look. To adore ourselves is a spiritual act, sisters !!! Which is not to say we can’t always be growing more beautiful yet.
Thank you so much dear, sweet Ka, and thank you for helping talk me through the dark night and help me “come to my senses”! And you are indeed beautiful, as you have always been, but I believe women become even more beautiful as they grow older. There is a radiance coming from the wisdom of all of the long years that they have lived through. And I LOVE your braid. “Aging with grace” is a spiritual act, and a deep commitment, to make the most of the time we have left on this earth whether its another year or 30 more years, to treasure every precious thing, even and especially the tiniest, and of course to fly our freak flag with pride! That’s my goal! Thank you for always bringing me back to myself. I love you dearly…
M. xoxox
Oh, goodness, I think so much in life requires courage and grace, which is sometimes in short supply.
And, of course, putting out creativity in whatever venue (art, writing, dance, etc.) makes us afraid, too — we just need to push through that, to beyond, whatever that might take us.
You are so right Lisa honey, courage, grace, and the support of good friends, that means everything. I am so happy that we have gotten to know one another through the years. And yes it can be very scary to put oneself out there in whatever creative venue, but then, how can we not? So onward we go, and it sure is easier doing it in community. You all mean so much to me, I love working alongside each of you, creating both separately and together, or being able to share what we are doing. That means everything to me. I can’t wait to hear how your painting class is going tomorrow night! 💖