When I was young, those who often dream for just this thing, I wanted to be a rich and famous writer. Now the very thought makes me shudder. I wrote books for decades. and then came the world of blogging. It had become clear to me, a few years into blogging, that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do and be. I wasn’t here to be a rich and famous anything, but to share, from my heart, having lived through a childhood that no child would wish for, abused from 4 to 18 and a whole host of other things, that I was a woman who had been damaged, but survived. I love the line from Josephine Hart’s book Damage. “Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive.”
It was years of therapy, decades with many therapists, until I was blessed with the therapist I have had these last 10 years, and somehow I felt my grip of the obsession of my childhood traumas loosen, and I began to be able to breathe. But such a childhood, simply coupled with who we really are. leaves us in a state that is a puzzle, hard to figure out, and hard to live each day without dark thoughts. After 31 years of marriage, 3 children who have now turned into a precious family of 12 — our 3, their spouses, and our 6 grandchildren — I came to know something that somehow I have known all along. I lived all of that life that came before, trauma and a multitude of joys and love, and finally I did settle into the life of a lone soul.
I have several mental health diagnoses, and have been agoraphobic for decades, but I say that now without angst or fear. Agoraphobia — never leaving your house, a “shut in”, living a cloistered life, the hermit — these are things that are frightening to many, but 5 years ago, more than all of this, I took a bad fall and couldn’t get up. I lie in the dirt for more than 30 minutes, until help came to get me up, but we barely made it. Over the last 5 years I have become increasingly disabled, I can no longer drive (my feet just won’t go where I want them to and the last time I drove, to the doctor, I barely made it home. When I tried to move my foot from the gas pedal to the brake I almost couldn’t do it.) I was terrified. When I finally made it home I got out of that car, my beloved car, the car that had been the car of my dreams, a bright orange Honda Element I’d had for 10 years, I called the dealership and sold it. For almost 3 years now I haven’t driven and I never will again.
I now wear a “Fall Pendant” 24/7 (Remember that commercial we all laughed at decades ago, not because we were laughing at the poor old woman who had fallen and uttered the words, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”) Oh how we laughed, only because it was cheaply made, had a used car dealer feel to it, and nothing in it felt real, genuine, like this was a real poor old soul who had fallen and was in dire straights. Well, guess what? I’m the little old lady now, and nobody here is laughing.
But then something remarkable happened. I am seriously disabled now, and things get worse rather than better, I can barely get around my house and I never leave it, I have a remarkable plan in place I’d never heard of and in my book I’m going to tell the world of seniors in need, or children whose parents need help, because they are not allowed to advertise, and it comes through Medicare and Medicaid. I have become nearly despondent over not only seeing my physical body become more fragile and weak, with pain nearly always present, but the hardest thing of all — and a blessing to me — is that I have found, with the help of my daughter, that there are multitudes of kinds of help you are DUE once you have Medicare. They don’t advertise it, they don’t make it easy to find, but it has literally saved my life. One of the main reasons I am writing this book is because I want to help people find the help they need that is right there but hidden and hard to find. We deserve this. We have earned this. The PACE program I am now a part of, just since April, is located here, This is the local program for my city, BUT it is all over the country and the program is nothing short of a miracle. Do look into it where you are if you need help.This program is for low income people and it is a godsend.
I am writing a very important and much needed book, and you needn’t take my word for it. The people at PACE are so excited they want to distribute it to all the people they work with and want to spread it around the country. I was somewhat shell-shocked when I realized that the very people who devote their lives to working with the people I am writing this book for believe it is badly needed and want me to succeed.
I have so little energy, and must needs put it all toward the book and related projects, and I live on a very low income and it becomes scary. I can’t keep up with this blog like I used to and I think in a year when my contract is up this site will disappear. I am dedicating all of my available energy to writing the book and creating my art. It will either be IN the book I’m writing or a companion book.
My Patrons get a free download of my art every month, and their financial support, for as little as $5 a month, is helping me buy groceries and keep things running here. The picture you see above was the free July download, 1 of 2 parts, called “Now and Then.” This painting is the “Then” part. In the background you see pictures into my studio which is the “Now” part. That will be the next picture. The point is that not being able to garden is one of the greatest losses to me. This is a picture of me remembering the days I practically lived in the garden. The next picture my Patrons will see inside my studio and the world I am creating to make a magical, joyful, colorful world that though I can’t even walk as I once did, I look around me at plants everywhere, twinkly lights, and so much more. Every single day I am looking for ways to create a magical haven for Molly and I to live in. (She my tiny little chihuahua/corgi mix. I adopted her 5 1/2 years ago and she only has one eye. We all live with hardships, but she is my official ESA (Emotional Support Animal). She is my baby, we snuggle up to sleep at night and she is in my lap while I work most of the day.
I’m learning more and more. It will all be in my book, and if you would like to see my work if you have missed this blog everything goes to Patreon now. i have a very different kind of Patreon. I closed all the “tiers” (there were 5) down to 1 and call it the Everything Tier. Most Patreon contributors have you pay more and more for each succeeding tier to get pieces of their work. I decided to put it all in one tier and let people pay what they can or would like to to support my work. The minimum is $5 and up, whatever you would like to pay,
I need your help. I am asking for your help and I am embarrassed as all get out to ask. But for the last 20 years I haven given almost everything I ever created away for free, Now I’m not asking for much but whatever you could afford to be a Patron would be life-saving for me.And it’s all going to the creation of a book and art to help, support and inspire others.
It is now almost 2 a.m. I am writing this now because the last week has been so hard, and such a wake up call, this dear man nearly died and though, thank God, he is still with us, whatever life he has ahead of him is questionable and the road to whatever healing may be possible is very long. It makes you realize that the end is always just around the corner, whether that’s 3 days or 30 years.
Each day is all we have. I’ve let go of the traumas of my past, I can no longer make plans for the future, because I never know what I’m going to wake up to in the morning, but I can guarandamteeyou I am going to treasure each and every day as it arrives, and I am going to make the most of it, even if that’s just a half hour or an hour I am going to celebrate the precious time given to me, and my life will be dedicated to this and a series of books to follow (if I am of a physical shape to do it) to hold the hand of all the older people like me who are doing their best to get by.
This is my work, and I feel blessed and grateful, even in the shape I’m in, to be able to do something that matters so deeply to me. I thank God every day.
Blessings and love to each and every one of you. I’ve missed you…
