It is what I say to my students as we come to the end of a timed writing, “Wind down and come to closure.” It is what I am doing now. This is the penultimate blog post of the 365 days. It is the day when everything that might have been written or said has been written and said, when I wind down, lay my pen down, and close the book on the year. Tomorrow I will come to you and tell you what I have learned on this journey.
I have written about the magic of the process of doing something for 365 days and there has been so much magic here, I said that yesterday. What I ask myself today. having gone back and read the first blog post that launched this whole experiment, was how, sadly, I could have imagined at the outset that I could have maintained what I had hoped to for 365 days. I said things like “I will not use the words ‘Mental Illness…'” and that I would only write positive happy things in an attempt to create a happy life by just, perhaps, say, on a bad day show a picture of a horse and say that I loved horses, to always keep it positive. Oh the naivete. One doesn’t want to be a “Debby Downer” but by the same token one has to be realistic. My heartfelt attempt to create an atmosphere in which happiness could grow wasn’t realistic. I had my moments, but then real life crept in, and for most of the last year you have indeed watched a woman who has had lifelong struggles with mental illness struggling, coping, and carrying on. And there were surely happy, joyful days and times, but it was life, it was everything, it held it all.
And because, in my heart of hearts, what I have always wanted to do with my blog was to help others who were suffering and struggling like I was to let them know that they were indeed not alone, that we could suffer and struggle but that in sharing, honestly, our burdens might somehow be lightened, a little, by knowing that we were a tribe of people who were and are surviving in the world today, well, this is what I have done this past year, as I have always done on this blog and with my writing, and what I will continue to do. We have been heartbroken over the number of suicides in the last year, and while many of these were well known people who got attention because of who they were there were countless others who died by suicide and that is almost too much to bear. What can one do to help?
Well, trying to paint a rosy picture about being happy happy happy all the time is not it, nor is dwelling on all of the negativity. How we survive, all manner of things, from little daily disappointments and heartbreaks to monumental life things, and how, in the face of all of this we can find a way to thrive, most days, I think that is my work, I think that has always been my work, and I no longer have any desire, much as it might make some people happy to see me do it, to try to blog on about all good things. It isn’t realistic, it isn’t what life is for most of us. Every single day seems to hold everything and I want to capture it all. My, I feel so tenderly toward the me that wrote that first blog post 364 days ago. She had just finally gotten balanced on medication and was feeling good for the first time in a very long time. She had no idea in the months to come she would be able to go back off medication and that a year hence she would have just come through a devastating hurricane where people died, and lost their homes, and where she feared for her own survival, and then had to deal with the aftermath in a town devastated by nature’s forces. Now the prudent use of Xanax is the only way I can cope. I am coming to the end of this Happiness Experiment just happy to be alive and continuing on. There is a lesson in all of this. There is so much more to say. I will say the rest tomorrow.
I am in part sharing my experience of how I started with one idea and ended up in a very different place for the benefit of those who will be joining me with their own 365 day project on Friday. Do what feels right for you but perhaps give yourself a little more leeway than I did. Realize that life being life will come in and have it’s way with you and that you never know on any given day what you may encounter but that you will show up and do your best through it all. That’s what I am going to try to do over the next year. For now I am closing the book on this project and allowing myself some space and time for final thoughts to arise that I can share with you tomorrow. I regret nothing, but I am wiser about what this process of 365 days means. I will learn more in the year ahead.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Maitri,
Shyly, I will be joining you. I was worried about how my blog looked, about what to name it, about what I had to say that anyone would be interested in reading. I have set all that aside and have learned one big lesson – this I will do for me. I may stumble, but I am no longer worried about what to write about or how my blog looks. All that matters to me, is that I write – every day – something. This I learned from you.
Be blessed on your next 365 day journey. I will be there alongside you.
Oh Dear Maggie, honey, we are neither of us in this alone. You may feel shy, you may feel anything, as I feel the whole gamut of things, and not only once have I said to myself, “WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU THINKING DOING THIS AGAIN??? How will you ever do this, you are not even through all this hurricane mess!” But what I know, what I want you to know, what I want everyone who is thinking about undertaking this is this — DO NOT LOOK AT THE WHOLE 365 DAYS AS YOU START! You may never get started at all. Yes, some part of you has to make the commitment to yourself because it is just as you said, you are doing this for yourself as I am doing it for myself and making the commitment is a deep act. But you only have to show up one day at a time, it is only one blog post at a time, and then it builds, and then something amazing happens. You look back and you have done it for a week, a month, 3 months, and you are on a roll, and still, you only have to show up one day at a time, and if, on a very hard day, a day when you feel at a loss, put anything down at all. A graphic, a drawing, a photograph, and a single line. “This is all I can do today but I’m here, I showed up, it is enough…” And it will be. This is how I have done this, one day, one post at a time.
Here, let’s hold hands, we are doing this together dear friend. We can do this…
Hip hip horray. Look what you have done. Not only 364 days of enlightenment for yourself and others, but inspiration to us all. Personally if no one reads mine but me, that’s ok. Because while I find it intimidating to write for others, I am ok writing for myself.
Thank you.
Gentle hugs
Lauren
Thank you dear Lauren. Oh what a year we have ahead of us. I can’t wait for you to see the wonders that you will encounter, the changes that will come, for simply showing up each day to do the work. I hate to keep overusing the word but there is surely magic there. I can’t believe that tomorrow is Day 365 of this current journey. My what a year it’s been. I wait in wondrous anticipation to see what the year ahead will bring…
Sweet hugs to you honey…
Maitri
I haven’t even started mine yet, and already I have made some “logistical” changes as to what and how I am going to approach this journey. Suffice to say I will be starting fresh.
More to come…
Ah sweet Victoria I am so glad you are joining us, and really, what else are any of us doing with our lives over the next year more than hoping for positive change and growth, delights and surprises, and something to hold onto to help us through the hard times? That’s what this blog has been for me in this now nearly 365 days. Knowing how powerful it is I sit in awe and wonder not able to begin to imagine what the next year will bring. But I know there is power in numbers and for all of us to set out on our parallel journeys together is a remarkable thing. Onwards and upwards dear sister. Let’s rock on! Let’s DO this thing! 😀
Penultimate! what a marveous word. the ultimate word of the pen!!!
364 days in, with one to go to finalize a year’s experiment. this is quite an incredible achievement, as you probably know full well. i was with a friend today, and she spoke of “the woman of valor” (that occurs in the bible) and how she “re-thought” it in modern feminine goddess terms. you are that woman of valor!!!
onward, dear maitri, and all those who will practice blogging for 365 days
Thank you my darling Katya, dear dear sister of mine. We each journey on together on our own parallel paths with our own powerful works. You have a huge year ahead of you with your poetry book and so much more. It will be a wondrous and enriching experience to share it all with you. Women of valor indeed, and so much more…
I love you honey…
M. xoxox
WOW just WOW!! Look what you’ve accomplished Maitri! What you’ve done here is BIG! Give yourself a big hug you deserve it! You have been so open, so vulnerable. I’ve cried reading some of your posts. I’ve gotten excited too by some of your plans. I’ve so loved your drawings, your people. I am looking forward to reading what your blogs will be next. Yay for you! You Rock, as they say.
Love, Jean
Thank you so much dear Jean. It’s meant so much to me to have you here, a part of the journey and I will look forward to seeing you here as I continue on. The drawings will be part of it too along the way but just can’t be the focus now. There is just so much that needs to be dealt with, pondered, written about. It is my work now, and so onward I go.
I love you dear Jean, blessings to you with whatever you are doing…
Maitri
When your 365 days started I thought it would Be cool to join in. Well I chickened out. I don’t know what I would say. I have no idea how to start a blog anyway. Who would care? Good grief. As a slowly recovering introvert, prone to procrastination. Almost a waste of effort I would surely fail…..
So I’m thinking to myself is that really what I think of myself? Yeah sometimes. But I have also grown a lot because of some pretty
Darn special people in my life. So, Maitri if you or someone in the group can tutor me in blogging I will try hard to continue to grow into a blogger. Am I really nervous….. You bet. But I am more afraid of the past than the future. So with your help I will try my best baby steps. I hope I won’t regret it.
Oh Paula honey I wish I could tell you that I could help you get a blog going but I just don’t have the time, I’ve barely got the energy to keep going post hurricane. It will be a very long time before we can recover here. But go to blogger.com and it is free and they step you through it. You must know a blogger who will help you, I wish I could but I just can’t right now…
That’s ok, Maiitri, I wasn’t thinking… No problem.
Sorry honey but truly if you go to blogger.com you just follow the steps and they tell you how to set it up if you are interested. 🙂