I am so afraid. I keep saying that but I’m slipping. I can’t seem to get a grasp on anything. I have a call in to my therapist, I took Xanax which I have been advised to take to get through this acute period, my friend Noni is coming by in a little while and Rachel is coming tomorrow. I am in a bad way and I am scared.
When you live with mental health issues every day is a balancing act, you have to be vigilant about self care practices and professional help. I take care of all of these things with great care and am fortunate to have family and dear people who help me but I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t like to have to call on people all the time, and yes they are happy to help but it is having to deal with this slippery slope where I know I am not okay and I’m not sure when I will ever be okay again that feels too hard to bear. Rachel just said, “Mom we have just been through a hurricane, you were without power for a week, things were bad, there’s a lot to deal with. Please be gentle with yourself, it’s going to take time…”
But one wonders how many times in a lifetime you can lose your footing and keep struggling to hold on. The whole world feels so fragile, so unsafe, so not okay. And I hate to keep writing about this here but there is nothing else for me to write about just now if I am going to show up and keep doing this and right now this is what I’ve got, it’s where I am. I am coming into the final days of my 365 day search for happiness having just survived a hurricane and trying to figure out how I am going to survive life. This is not where I thought I’d be. This is not the way I wanted this to end, but this is what it is, it is the truth of what has happened and is happening. I can’t help the fact that in the last 10 days of this project we were hit by a natural disaster that turned our whole world upside down and from which it will take a very long time to recover from just physically with our homes and surroundings. What it did to me and other people like me who struggle during the best of times is some very serious damage. I trust that I will get through this but I swear to God in this moment I don’t see how.
I have tried, through the years, when I wrote about my mental health struggles, to have some kind of positive thought to hold on to. We can do this, we can make it… And I’m sure there will be a way. One way or another there is always a way. But these are not good times and there’s no way to make any of this easy.
I don’t know how to teach again. I don’t know how to manage household things. Today the trash people came. Last Sunday Rachel helped me dispose of all of the food in the refrigerator and freezers. We double bagged everything in big trash bags because the pickup wouldn’t be until today. They picked it up but when I wheeled the barrel back it stunk so bad it was unbearable and when I opened the lid swarms of flies came out. This means maggots will be infesting it too. I wheeled it back outside and sprayed so much bug spray on it and into it I couldn’t stop. I was hysterical. I didn’t know what else to do. I shut the garage door and ran inside. I started searching what to do. Boiling water, bleach, vinegar? I didn’t know how I could do it and it all seemed too much. And we are just at the beginning of dealing with a thousand things post hurricane.
I realize that for many, most, of the people in this town who are dealing with the same things and even worse this is a hard time, devastating for some, a terrible inconvenience at the very least and for those of us who have potentially thousands of dollars of damage to deal with without the income to do it it is terrifying. But daily there are a thousand out of the ordinary things to deal with and I am just not dealing well at all. I am ashamed. I feel I should be doing better. But then Helene just called.
Helene is my amazing therapist. She said it is completely understandable that I am in the state I am in, that I should take the Xanax every day if I need it (To give you an idea of how little Xanax I take I took four mostly filled bottles into my med appt on Monday to ask him how to dispose of them because they were getting old. I am not at risk of abusing the medication. He said he had never seen anything like it. People pay good money on the street for what I have and don’t take and am disposing of! But I am using my new prescription at half a dose each day just now. Both Geoff who manages my meds and Helene my therapist both want me to take it now. I have no choice.) Helene talked to me for quite awhile and if I am not better by Monday wants me to come in and see her.
The Xanax is kicking in. I am moving along that spectrum of out and out uncontrollable hysterics to a quiet calm. The medication helps, I am not alone, people care, and I have help. This is all good, it is all deeply appreciated, but this is one day, one night, one medicated period of time. I don’t want to have to live like this. For now I have no choice.
I will keep writing here. I will move into the next 365 days and I will keep writing there. For the foreseeable future I am not sure I can do much else. I hope that will be enough. It has to be.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Dear Maitri,
Perhaps it is not a fair comparison, but similar in any case, to your need for medication now. As a rule, I avoid medications too. However, if I am in an acute medical situation (which you are with your post-hurricane PTSD) I will certainly take what is prescribed to help me through. My experience is mainly pain related to surgery or something of that nature but I’ve used the meds for as long as they were prescribed. Please don’t feel guilty about it. Your poor nervous system is pretty battered at the moment and needs the support.
Thank you Joan honey and I’m sorry you are suffering and struggling with pain. I hope that you heal well and soon. We all have our individual struggles. May we each find our way… <3
I admire that no matter what, you don’t give up. You are meant to be here with us, your friends and students. You are tenacious and tenderhearted. You are you, flaws or not. It’s okay with me. I couldn’t admire you if you were on a pedestal. I only have one God, and He’s taken, but I share Him with many. Hugs, your friend, Marge.
Thank you dear Marge, you are very kind and your gentle words mean a lot to me. Keep praying for me will you? I need the prayers so badly now…
oh god, i can relate, re the garbage can (I know it sounds crazy.) for some reason, maybe some shrimp shells, something in our garbage can spelled SO HORRIBLE, when i wheeled it up from the curb it made me sick, and even walking up and down our long driveway i could smell it. here’s where my good fortune comes in. I BEGGED my husband to clean it. to use bleach. to scrub it down. to hose it down. he spent probably 45 minutes and now we have the cleanest garbage bin in town, bar none. This is a task you could have asked the fireman across the street, who has been so kind, to do for you. You could have asked, and he would have BEEN HAPPY to help you. He KNOWS you’re alone. You don’t have a “Tom” to do things like this, and you’ve got so much weighing on you, you didn’t need to deal with this too.
Maitri, I know this is a horribly scary time, and you wonder how you’ll get thru it.
But all of us who love you know you will. And it’s OK to go on asking for help. Everyone understands you can’t take care of all of it alone. And no one should have to.
I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but i’ll say it anyway. pick up your paintbrush. splash it around. paint a woman who just can’t take it anymore, and then paint a woman who made it through. YOU DESERVE breaks that make you forget, for just one moment, how freaked out you are. writing/painting/being on your exercise bike/loving on your pugs, watching a good show, making a yummy dinner.
sending my loving hugs xo ka
Ah Katya, it’s nice that you have Tom, I’m happy for you, but for those of us who are older and live alone the struggle is real, ongoing, and overwhelming. And let me make something clear. Yes, neighbors were amazing through the awful ordeal of the hurricane and Keith the fireman across the street went above and beyond but people are pulling back, people are weary, frankly people have so much to deal with on their own that helping others in this way is wearing thin. I see it in their eyes. I hear it in their voices. I know that if I had an emergency I could call on people and get help but I am telling you I cannot be calling on neighbors for every little thing. I am not their responsibility and to overuse the privilege would not be a good thing at all. Noni helped me with it. She is amazing. It got done, but it is one in a long list of things to deal with these days and I’m having a very hard time coping.
And those things you tell me to do, paint, etc, honey, I love you dearly but you have never understood — and I understand that you can’t understand because no one can if they haven’t suffered through it — is that when you are truly in the depths of despair, in a truly terrible, frightening place you are frozen, numb, your insides screaming with terror. There is no way to “pick up a paintbrush” under the circumstances, or at least not for me. I can come here and write, it is the one thing I can do and it is not easy but I cling to this blog now as if to a life raft. And doing my one blog post a day is keeping me afloat. This is the one thing I can do and I will keep on doing it, God willing and the saints be praised as my little old Irish Catholic aunts used to say.
I am having coffee now, it is another day, a whole new mountain to climb. Hold me in your heart and prayers dear sister, I need them so badly now…
I love you dearly sister of mine…
M. xoxox
Dearest Maitri,
G-d bless your daughter, your therapist, your friends, and you. The most capable able bodied person would be devastated with what you have just experienced. Please, please, please, be kind to yourself. If medication helps you walk this difficult path, by all means listen to your body and give it what it needs. We all would love it if we recovered instantly from trauma. That is not the reality for anyone I know.
Baby steps, with the wonderful advice of your daughter, the caring of your therapist, the love of your friends both online and in person, and your unstoppable drive, you will make it. We in SNWG wait for you whenever it is good for you to return. You are a survivor whether it feels like it this minute or not. We are here holding you in thoughts, prayers, and the utmost reverence of your spirit.
Gentle hugs and lots of love.
Lauren
Thank you so much my dear, darling friend Lauren, you are so precious to me and your words are so kind. I got up and took the Xanax as I sat down here with my coffee so it would get in my system before the terror flares up and is then hard to manage. This is not a good situation. I came off Xanax for a reason. It is very effective for acute anxiety but also scientific studies have proven it can lead to dementia and alzheimers and more with long term use. I was on it for 20 years. I fear the damage it may have already caused. I have very good reasons for not wanting to take it, but right now I have no choice. I cannot be screaming and crying hysterically in unabated terror that is immobilizing me ongoing. That is the state I was in yesterday.
I appreciate you all so much in the SNWG, I love you all so very dearly, this work has mattered to me so much but honestly I cannot see a time when I will be able to return any time soon. That makes me sad and it worries me and I don’t know what to do about it. I will be coming into the FB group to do a live today or tomorrow to talk about this. It is yet one more unexpected casualty of the hurricane that swept through my life and took away more than just the obvious. My mental health has suffered greatly and getting back on my feet has to be my number one priority. This is weighing on me heavily.
Again the support you sent me was nothing short of a miracle in my life. I need donations so badly, need to be able to make money and I don’t know how right now. There is so much to figure out. Please keep me in your prayers honey. I love you dearly…
Maitri,
Your daughter is wise: this has been an extraordinary time, challenging beyond what you ever expected.
“Rachel just said, “Mom we have just been through a hurricane, you were without power for a week, things were bad, there’s a lot to deal with. Please be gentle with yourself, it’s going to take time…”
It will take take time. Remember what’s on your bracelet (at least it used to be): All will be well and every kind of thing shall be well (or some version of that.)
If you can manage to just scrub out your trash can with dish soap and water, I’m sure that’ll take care of whaever’s inside, although I imagine the bleach, etc. has done that already.
Thank you dear Lisa, and yes, it will take time, a lot of time, and I have and will need a lot of help to get through this. And yes, I never take my bracelet off, the Julian of Norwich quote, “All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.” I sent it to one of my best friends when she got a terribly scary diagnosis and when things started looking up for her she sent it back to me and I haven’t taken it off again since. It is a touchstone for me for sure.
Noni worked on the trash can yesterday and is coming back later today to put more disinfectant in it. She has been a godsend. Rachel has a very busy day but is going to stop by for a quick hug. I have taken my medication. I am inching my way through the day. I am doing my best.
Thank you so much for being here dear friend. It means a lot to me. I love you…
My dear friend,
I have said it so many times…I cannot imagine how hard this is. I CANNOT imagine how hard this is. I CANNOT imagine. But you, you live it and articulate it so well, that we all feel what you are forced to face every day. I hope you will look into your daughter’s eyes and hear her. It has been a lot. A lot for anyone, let alone you who have struggled in more even keel times. It is a lot to ask yourself to do better in these times, when your whole world has been turned upside down. Be kind to you – you deserve that kindness.
I sympathize with the trash problems. We live in the country and must haul off our own trash. We had an incident not too long ago that made me so sick to my stomach. Ughhhh. A horrible experience in the best of times. The smell can be so overwhelming.
I hope you will go see your therapist. It is good to have someone who can hear what you are feeling and help guide you through these hard days. How fortunate you are to have a care team that cares for you so much. This is why they are there – to support you through the tough days. Take advantage of that type of caring and let them help you.
I am glad you are blogging through this. Getting it out is somportant. We are here listening and holding you up. One tiny step. You will get through this but it may be one tiny step at a time. I agree with Katya – Anna, Lily, Theodore and Millie were with you through all of this. When you are ready I bet they will have something profound to tell you. You do not need to share them unless you want to.
Sending you love, caring and constant prayer. Snuggle with your pugs and feel the love coming to you from all over the world. We all care so much. ❤️
Thank you so much sweet Maggie, oh there is so much I need to talk to you about, we will have to talk soon. And yes the blogging gives me something to hold onto. It can be very hard to do, like it was yesterday, but once it is done and up it gives me a sense of having done something, in the middle of this terrible time when so much is wrong and I can’t even see a time when it will be right again, and I’m talking physical hurricane damage, the damage it has done to my mental health is immeasurable at the moment. Too much to talk about here. Much of this, of these kinds of things, will be the focus of next year’s blog journey which will be starting soon. Thank you so much for being you, and being there. I love you dearly…
“Starting over” can be horrid, and awful, and super challenging, but consider: you’ve been in the very hard place before, and you’ve made great strides forward. There is nothing, No Thing, that says you can’t do it again.
Perhaps if you reread parts of your blog for this last year (that’s coming to a close), you can find inspiration from your journey, and remember, yes you can, yes you did, and yes, you can do it again.
We are here to sing the song of your soul back to you, in case you have forgotten the words. Much Serenity, Grace, and Love to you. 🙂
Thank you so much dear Victoria. And yes, I have made it through much before with all the help with mental health issues but this hurricane, and all of the damage, and being here in this house alone through it all was so terrifying and did something to me, or rather undid me in a way it is going to be very hard to recover from because there is all of the physical damage to deal with and it will take a long time to recover from that and how to manage all of that financially is terrifying me, but it did something terrible to me emotionally, a kind of unravelling that has left me unable to see how to pick up the pieces. Just dealing with the mental health stuff is one huge thing but trying to do it when daily being hit by the post hurricane stuff leaves me in a constant state of feeling fragile, and unsafe, and afraid and it feels never-ending. I know that I will somehow make it through but right now I can’t see how and it is hard just to do the smallest thing. Thank you for your love and help honey, it means so much…
once upon a time in the 70’s there was a young woman (me) a newly wedded woman ( again me) was left to take the garbage out.
Two metal cans with the lids with the handle and the side ring handle to lift the can up. Now I am not really a big woman ( okay back then) so I tried to lift the can up by the handles. I let it rest on my stomach and chest and I took two steps the I realized I hadn’t taken a breath. so I breathe in and “Oh MOTHER OF GOD!!!” I dropped the can.
Garbage was everywhere! Magots.. flies .. Oh I never saw a sight like this or a smell … I began to gag .. and gag …
…..now the man next door was trying not to laugh and when I vomited there was a crowd of people around and that man (Ted) yelled”There she blows” to which his wife took her drying cloth she had in her hands and smack him with …
I just stood there arms out at my side covered with garbage and vomit..
she (Audrey) came over and turned on my hose and with her cloth cleaned my face and clothes that she could and told me to walk in to the house shower and put on some fresh clothes.. Audrey was this nice wife of Ted.
… as I was opening the door in the garage to the kitchen I heard her say now Ted, Ben and Gary you clean this up for this poor woman and then offer to clean those pails and if her husband who has early classes isnt home to take out the garbage you offer to put the cans out for her!
I did learn that a wagon will hold two cans (back then the cans were smaller)
I also took a bandana and put it over my nose and mouth.
I washed the cans out with lysol and a broom that broke and I was left with a pole.. I used old rags and tied them on with rubber bands. I filled a pail with warm water and lysol and used my makeshift pole-wand cleaner. and I scrubbed the hell out them…
Ted by the way smiled a me and gave the heads up …
A few years later baking soda box opened in the can made them smell better..
now I have Charlie and he deals with it … ya know manly man ..
I hope I have made ya smile .. now I laugh at when I hear Ted’s voice There she blows … lol not then but now i look back and say hey I tried to be a badass woman!
I’m sorry you had to go through all of that Julia, it sounds a horror to me, I could not have born it. I’m glad you have your Charlie now, what a comfort that must be. It must be a real blessing not to be alone. I feel so alone and afraid. Yes, there have been people who have helped me and I am deeply grateful but still mostly I am alone and I become more and more afraid as the years go by being this alone, as things become harder and harder to manage physically, and as it becomes evident that the mental health issues are not just going to magically go away. Right now it all feels like too much. Right now I can’t see my way through.
Dear Maitri, I’m sending lots of love your way. I really do feel for you. You’re very brave. How about starting a gratitude journal, to focus on the brighter spots amongst all the difficulties. The brightness shines through in all your blog posts. Big hugs! xxx
Thank you so much for thinking of me Jenny. Of course I have much to be thankful for and I am very well aware of that, I wrote about some of those things in this post, I write about them ongoing, but the bottom line is that I live alone and am terribly afraid much of the time. And because I deal with mental health issues this fear exacerbates my conditions, and when a hurricane sweeps through and does so much damage the whole situation becomes almost unbearable and very difficult to deal with at all. That is the bottom line. It is what I am dealing with, trying to figure out, and trying to cope with and it is harder than I can say. And people all over the world suffer and struggle like this. I hope that I can do this one thing, keep writing, and perhaps help others feel less alone, try to find answers for us all, or at least some of us. I have long known that this was a huge part of my life’s purpose and it is much harder now, but I will keep writing, it is the one thing I can do and I am doing my best.
Oh dear Maitri, I am grateful meeting the courageous soul you are. Thank you for your writings , transforming my views and fears to take another step being seen—-letting go of my ego and not caring I won’t be understood , judged, —-all that stuff and more. My heart so resonates with your feelings– not needing to be explained — just be. I am so glad you keep on writing so very wonderfully , inspiring me and the world. You are such a Light and thank you dear heart.
Thank you for your kind words dear Magdalaena, they mean more than you could possibly know during this trying time. Many blessings to you…