I am in shock. I am heartbroken. I am inconsolable. I just don’t know what to do. Tanner was my “Baby Man,” 9 years old and the youngest of my 3 pugs. He had his checkup a month ago and the vet thought he looked fine. But last night he passed away, suddenly, unexpectedly, after seeming fine all day long. I am so lost I can barely breathe.
The family all went out to dinner last night. I fed the dogs before I left, he ate all his dinner and acted fine. When I got home all three dogs were jumping about excited that mama was home. We were all here together in my studio and somewhere around 10 he went out through the doggie door into the fenced yard. He loved to be outside and sometimes liked to just go out on the deck and lay there. By 10:20 I decided to get ready for bed so got up to get the dogs out, I hadn’t somehow realized that Tanner hadn’t come back in. I searched everywhere, he wasn’t in the house. I went out on the deck and called him and called him but he didn’t come. I knew something was wrong.
I went in and grabbed a flashlight and went out into the yard calling him but I didn’t have to go far. There he was lying there as peacefully as if he had just laid down to take a nap. He did not look distressed in any way, but he was gone. I was in deep shock, I wailed and broke down completely. And it was 10:30 at night and I didn’t know what to do.
Aaron and his family were staying with Rachel and I called him there and Rachel got on the phone and they both said they were on the way. Everyone was in shock. While Aaron dug his little grave I went in for a blanket and Rachel wrapped him in it. We held each other and cried. Everyone loved Tanner. He was the sweetest little pug you would ever want to know. Finally he was buried. We put big stones on the grave to mark it. He is buried next to the first pug I ever adopted, little black Babs. All the rest have been cremated. They are buried in the little pink gated garden just across from the deck. I will plant something pretty for them there this year.
Aaron and Rachel came in and stayed with me until after midnight. Rachel poured me a small glass of wine and had one herself. Aaron was driving and didn’t want to drink but we all talked and cried. Rachel has always called Tanner the “George Clooney pug” because he was just such a beautiful boy, a fashion model pug.
Tanner came to me in May 2011. He was an “Emergency Adoption.” I have almost always adopted seniors or those with disabilities because they are less adoptable and I love them all the more because they are who they are. In one terrible year I lost my sweet Coco on the operating table in January 2011, in April my beloved Moses, a lab doby mix who had been our family pet, Aaron’s dog, who had lived with me for several years, had to be put to sleep at 18 1/2 because his battle with cancer had just become too much and he was suffering, and 3 weeks to the day later my little Harvey had a stroke. He was suffering and had to be put to sleep in my arms. That left Sampson who was my heart pug, so special, everyone adored little Sam. But all of these losses so close to each other had nearly done him in. He was clearly deeply depressed, and did not want to eat. I had to leave in 2 weeks to go to Atlanta for Aaron and Stephanie’s wedding and I was in a panic. I talked to Mid-Atlantic Pug Rescue where all 11 of my pugs have come from. They are just wonderful. They had a little 2 year old pug named Tanner who needed a home. Tanner was brought to me and it was like a miracle. He instantly brought Sampson back to life. They played, they bonded, they slept together and they were friends until the end when Sampson had a stroke and had to be put to sleep a few months after the fire in 2014 at 16 1/2. But Tanner had saved him.
Tanner and Sampson Christmas Morning 2013
I am absolutely lost. I am in shock. I don’t know what to do with myself.
Little Delilah and Pugsley slept all curled up with me last night. We are up now and have started our day. I am sitting here with my coffee but I can’t seem to figure out how to do life without Tanner. He gave so much, he loved so much, he was my joy boy and this morning all the color has gone out of the world.
I have no more to say. I need to just sit here with my two other babies. We have to try to figure out how to go on.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Oh Maitri, I am so sorry for your loss. Your pugs all are such a joy, so lovely to see them together… and now… little Tanner is missing and is so missed. He was not old and not sick… it must have been a big shock … it will take time to heal. But his spirit will be with you forever… don’t hold back your tears… I will burn a candle for both tanner and you… take care… ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Claudine. It is a terrible loss, it will take me a long time to recover. Of the three of them he was the youngest and it is just an awful shock. I will not be okay for a long time. Thank you for thinking of us honey. That means a lot…
Oh Maitri I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t know what to say.
Obviously he was a much loved and loving pug and will be sorely missed. Sending you tender hugs 💜
Thank you Moira. I am so lost…
I’m so very, very sorry Maitri. Tanner had a beautiful life with you, what a blessing he didn’t suffer. Claudine is right, his spirit will be with you forever, you’ll feel his presence at Dragonfly Cottage. Please give Delilah and Pugsley a big hug for me. xxx
Thank you Jenny honey, I will…
Maitiri, I am so so sorry for your loss. I send you much love and hold space for you to grieve and cry as you must do.
Love, Jean
Thank you dear Jean, there will be tears for many days…
Oh. My. Goodness, M. Just saw this. I’m so very deeply sorry for your loss. I’m at work now and am trying so hard not to cry. I’m thankful that your family was able to come over and help you. I loved my little Tanner Manner. I’m glad that it seems like he didn’t suffer. I will miss him so much. I hope I can come over in the morning. Love you. 💙
Thank you Noni, it is such a terrible, shocking loss I can barely breathe or stop crying. I don’t know what to do without my baby man. I don’t know how we go on without him. Delilah and Pugsley feel it too. Last night when Aaron was digging the grave and Rachel and I were there with Tanner D&P were right there with him too, sniffing him, standing leaning up against him. They feel his loss too, we all do. I am simply devastated.
I’m so so sorry, Maitri; I know your pugs are so precious to you, and you have been a blessing to each and every one of them as well. Know that he felt loved and cherished and that you gave him a wonderful home and life. Hugs to you and to your other 2 babies as you mourn the loss of this furry family member….
Thank you so much Lynne, I don’t know how to get through the days without him right now. I know that I will, I have adopted and lost many precious pugs over the years, but he was a uniquely special boy, still young and seemingly in good health so this is a terrible shock. Pugsley and Delilah and I will hold fast to one another. They are my precious babies and we are all missing Tanner terrible today…
Maitri, I’m so sorry for your loss of your little boy, Tanner. I know this must be devastating for you. I am sure his spirit is with you. I don’t mean this lightly. My aunt lost her two little girls in the past 6 years. We had moved to Florida and I saw her there in our apartment many times. Everywhere we have moved; she’s been there. Lest you think it’s only us that see her my grandson saw her a few weeks ago. We have never told him that we see her. And he never saw her while she was alive. So I was a skeptic until this happened with her girl, Daisy. It has also happened with her girl, Angel. I don’t expect you to accept this but I encourage you to be open minded about it. I send you positive energy. You have a lot of people who care. I hope you keep open to all the loving care coming from this, your tribe.
Thank you Kate… I appreciate the love and support and I am absolutely certain his precious spirit, as are those of all the other lost babies, are here with me. I take comfort in that, but the loss of his physical presence is unbearable just now. Pugsley and Delilah feel it too. We three are holding fast to each other today. The hours are heartbreaking without him.
I just wrote this on Facebook…
“Thank you all so much, and to those of you who have also lost babies I am so sorry for your loss. I know my Tanner and other lost babies are waiting for me on the other side of the rainbow bridge. Every time I have had to put a baby put to sleep I have sung this song to them as they crossed over. I know my Tanner is on the other side of the rainbow now. Some day I will be with them again…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rd8VktT8xY
Oh. Maitri- I am so sorry to hear about Tanner. I echo what the other posters have said- he will always be with you in spirit. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you Lorraine honey. I am talking to him. I know somehow he is near. But it hurts so much not to be able to hold and kiss him. Thank you so much for thinking of me…
Holding space for and with you during this time of sacred grieving. <3
Thank you Victoria honey…
Oh dear Maitri, I’m at a loss of words. How terrible, it is always so painful to lose one of our precious dogs! Ben and I send lots of love to you, Pugsley and Delilah. I’m glad you three have each other to carry this heavy load.
I always have a feeling as if there is a hole in the world when a loved one passed away…
Hugs
Silke
Thank you Silke and oh, the hole is just enormous. I just made a little cheese omelet and shared some bites with P & D, now we are going to go snuggle up in our big chair. We need each other and we are holding on to one another. I appreciate your thoughts. This will not be an easy loss to get over. The thing that haunts me is that all of the other pugs I have had to have put to sleep for one reason or another and I was always there holding them and kissing them and singing softly to them as they crossed over. It always made me feel better to know that they knew they were loved and not alone. But my sweet Tanner went outside to die and died alone. I just can’t get past that, it’s just killing me, it just breaks my heart. I hope he knew how much I loved him…
Oh Maitri, I am so, so sorry for this shocking and deep loss of your sweet boy Tanner. He seems to have been an amazing part of your family. I am so glad for you too that Aaron and Rachel were able to come over to help you and be with you to deal with the sudden trauma of this event.
I have had a couple of pet cats die unexpectedly overnight too, so I understand your shock. Who knows why this happens, but it does leave a big hole in our lives.
Sending you a hug of comfort…
Thank you Joan. I am just so grief-stricken I can barely think straight. I am just going to take Pugsley and Delilah out to the potty and then snuggle up with them in the chair for an hour until I have to get ready to go have our farewell dinner for Aaron and Stephanie at Rachel’s. I was afraid to go for fear I would cry and ruin everything but Rachel said I should come so they could comfort me and be there for me and I really want to be able to see the kids before they leave in the morning, we get to see them so seldom. That Aaron was here in town to come with Rachel to bury Tanner and be with us was just a miracle and I am deeply grateful. I don’t know how I will get through this but of course I will. But the days ahead are just going to be awfully painful and sad. It has left a terribly big hole indeed. Thank you for your kind words…
Maitri, I know the pain of losing a beloved pet. I live with mental illness and had nobody to comfort me when I had to euthanase my dog. It was a stark reality. In the past 10 years I also lost my mother and father and two friends apart from other deaths. All I can say is that dogs are noble animals, they teach pureness of heart and above all self regard. My dog was an amazing animal much loved by the vet and even his kids when they came to the clinic on school holiday schedule. The vet said Bounce was his son’s favorite dog at the whole clinic. I put so much effort into my dog and his caretaking. He was high maintenance but worth it. It was only yesterday I brought out his fur which was originally caught on his brush, I have had it for safekeeping for years. The anguish of losing a dog pierces right through your heart and soul. Please take care Maitri. I used a small piece of crystal to deal with the grief, its was a special crystal – apache tear, but it made the overwhelming tide of anguish manageable when nobody was there for me. Sending love across the miles, but for now just take care, go easy on yourself and try have basic self care in place. The worst part I think is when they are gone it leaves an eerie emptiness in the home. A house is a home with a dog. I hope you find some measure of strength during this difficult time, bless xxoo
Thank you so much Leeanne, you are very kind, and I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of your beloved dog.
I have my other 2 sweet pugs Delilah and Pugsley, the three of them are pictured on the top right side of my blog. Tanner that I lost is on the left side. Delilah in front and Pugsley behind her are facing the camera. They are here with me now and such a comfort.
People are being so kind and supportive but I live alone and my dogs are my world. Losing Tanner who was such a special pug everyone who met him fell in love with him will be deeply missed always. Even though I have my two other dear pugs Tanner was quite a presence in the place and it is very sad without him. This time last night I still had him, it is hard to approach the hour of his passing. I can’t quite grasp that he is not here and is never coming back…
I am so sorry Maitri, I know how much you love those adorables. May his memory bring the dance of harmony to your soul❤️🙏🏻❤️
Thank you Ellie…
Sending you so much love. I know how much your fur children hold your heart.
Thank you so much Edie, my babies are indeed my world here. I appreciate your kind note…
So sorry for your loss, dear Maitri. May the Lord bring you comfort at this time. Love, Marge
Thank you so much dear Marge…
Maitri,
You know I lost Sadie in November and I have just not gotten over it and now to hear this I have tears in my eyes and my heart hurts for you as I know the pain it brings. They bring us so much and ask for so little in return. And it is a void that can’t and won’t be filled by anyone. I wish I could just sit with you and hold your hand and tell you that it will be ok ….but we both know the truth it won’t ever be the same we just learn to go forward with the void in our life and in our hearts with the heavy burden of loss. I am so sorry Maitri, so very, very , very sorry you know I feel your deepest pains right now. Hugs and Love to you and may an Angel sit on your shoulder and guide you in these days ahead………..JIM
Oh dear Jim, you know this, all too well, and sudden, unexpected deaths are the worst.
I have adopted 11 pugs in as many years and almost all of them were seniors. I loved each, in their turn, with my whole heart and their losses cut deep. You never have the seniors long enough. But my Tanner was only 2 when I got him, and to have his checkup last month and be told how beautiful and healthy he was only to have him go outside and die, unexpectedly, weeks later, has me reeling in a way no other has. I can’t grasp it, he should be here with me now. Today I was out in the garden and came inside and just broke down. He would have been with me everywhere I went, he would have been beside me. That he is not, well, I can barely breathe.
I’m not sure how I will survive this, how you survive the loss of your Sadie the way she died, but I know that we will, one day. I believe their little spirits are with us, I really do, but that being said in this moment I do not know how to go on without him. For me, I have 2 other babies here who need me, whom I love deeply and dearly, and I will care for them, and love them. I will go on, as we do, but I will never be the same without my Tanner, I just won’t. I will just find a way to go on…
Matri,
My heart hurts for you, it’s been just a month since I had to say goodbye to Daisy.
Tanner was a great pug and will always be loved and remembered.
The others are also missing him, comfort each other.
With peace and love,
Oh dear Lisa…
I am so sad for you for your loss of little Daisy. These losses are nearly unbearably hard. And for me, who has almost always adopted seniors, to have adopted one baby, Tanner, and to have had his checkup last month and be told how healthy he was, and then to have him simply go outside, lay down, and die, it is so deeply shocking I just can’t seem to get a handle on it. He should have been with me many more years. I am so lost without him I barely know what to do.
Thank you so much for your kinds words, especially after having suffered your own terrible loss so recently. These little pugs are so incredibly special they touch our hearts and our lives forever. And they will live on inside of us, and we will never forget them.
I am sending you so much love honey, and a gentle warm hug…
I read today’s post before I read this one. Oh my sweet Lord, how this reminds me of how our dear Fidget left us – so abruptly, without warning. He was about Tanner’s age, maybe a few months older. One night he was racing around with one of the others cats, having the time of his life when, suddenly, he laid down and was gone.
I know that you know Tanner is now your Angel Tanner, and that he will never leave you. My heart grieves with yours. Trece
Dear Trece thank you so much and I’m so sorry for the loss of your Fidget, these sudden losses are brutal. But they are our angels now and we were blessed to have them, that is for sure.
I have just answered you after the other post first. Thank you so much for your caring concern and kindness. It is a new day, a new week, and I’m trying my best to move forward. It will take time to process Tanner’s loss, but my other 2 babies need me and they are here with me now, little ones sleeping and snoring beside me, so full of life and love. We will love each other through this. On we go…
Well, pugs have a very special friend in you! These pets, they move into our hearts and I know when I lost my Jethro, I could not breathe without telling myself to, for days! My heart is broken for you! My boy was almost 4. I kept going around a corner and looking to see if he was following. Bless you in your messy tragic middle!
Thank you so much dear Suzy and I am so so sorry for the loss of your Jethro. I have adopted 11 pugs in 11 years, most of them have been seniors and most of them had good long lives, 14-16 years. Tanner would only have been 9 next month, the youngest of my 3, and checked out healthy last month. We just never know. And yes, if you follow the blog posts after this one you can see what I write about grief. It is so perplexing. One minute I am wailing uncontrollably in endless tears and then the next moment I am very quiet, feeling confused and like I don’t understand, it can’t be real, surely he is here somewhere? But of course he’s not and then I cry again. These are still early days. It will take time. Thank you for your kind note…