A week or so ago I wrote that I wanted to start doing some embroidery, and for me any kind of fiber or textile art, being self-taught, is most comfortably done in a freeform manner. I ordered a handful of inexpensive supplies after finding just the resource I needed to help inspire me and give me confidence, a book for my Kindle called Joyful Stitching: Transform Fabric with Improvisational Embroidery by Laura Wasilowski. I previewed it on Amazon and felt like I had come home. The supplies came this week just after I came home from the hospital and today I got up the courage to give it a go. Beginning today was like coming home to myself.
I only read through the first few pages of the book because I was so eager to start. I knew what I wanted to do. I drew around my hand, drew a heart in the center of the hand, and began. I have spent the afternoon stitching slowly and as I have done so I know I have found the method for stitching myself back together. All of the bits and parts and pieces that have come apart in the last months of loss, tragedies, heartbreak, and the current health challenge have left me not knowing what to do or how to move forward. I have felt lost, frightened, scattered, and unable to move. And there is nothing that can be done quickly. The hurricane cleanup and repair work will be a months long process, this blood clot in my leg will take months to resolve, there is nothing for it but to take a deep breath and slow down.
When I heard the words “slow stitching” it was as though a temple bell had rung in my heart, and there was a quickening inside, an awakening, I knew this was what I was meant to do now, if for no other reason than to give me something to focus on as I heal and move through all that needs to be done here now. I was delighted to hear about the “Slow Stitching Movement” and have just found a website for it, there’s even a “Slow Stitching Podcast” that I can’t wait to listen to, and lots of inspiration on Instagram and other places dedicated to slow stitching.
I spent the afternoon moving slowly around the edges of the hand with needle and thread while listening to Anne Lamott’s book “Plan B: Further Thoughts On Faith,” and when fear rose, as it has over and over again in the last days, I just focused on my stitching. There is something incredibly calming and soothing about this process, it is a meditation, it is a form of self-care, it is giving me something to hold onto.
This is a very hard time for me. This week when I was at the hospital and was told that I had a blood clot from my groin to my ankle and was then told that had I waited another two weeks I “could have been in serious trouble,” something shot through me like a knife, a kind of fear I had not yet faced. Oh yes, we all may be afraid of aging and dying but not until you are really faced with something that may hold or touch on something that awakens you to your own mortality do you know a kind of fear that you feel “on the pulse” in a very real way. Last night, when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, something struck me. I always have my cell phone in my pocket for safety in case I were to fall, around the house, outside walking the dog, in the car when I have to go some place, but I don’t usually take it with me just to go to the bathroom which is the other side of the house from where I sleep. It hit me in the middle of the night that even then I should have my phone. I live alone. If I fell I could be in serious trouble. It made me very afraid. This morning I called my daughter Rachel and asked her if she kept her phone on her nightstand, if she would hear it if I had an emergency and needed to call her in the middle of the night. She said she didn’t usually, it was usually downstairs on the charger but when she realized how afraid I was she said she would keep it next to her bed at night. All of a sudden I begin to think about these things.
Fear rises and it can be so overwhelming it is hard to cope, to move through the hours without being paralyzed by all the frightening scenarios that run through your mind but I am finding that I must actively work to transform the acute nature of fear into something manageable. Some of what fear does is alert us to possible danger and this is not a bad thing. Realizing it would be good to have my phone with me when I get up in the middle of the night, checking in with Rachel to make sure she would hear the phone if I had to call for help, these are concrete actions that are sensible and prudent. Identify the fears, that which are rational, and take steps to do what you can to plan for ways to be safe, to have help if needed, have a plan, and then take a deep breath.
Fear will rise, the thing is not to get stuck there. I am afraid often, it is something I work on in therapy, I don’t feel safe in the world. I haven’t since I was a little girl being abused, it left me with a low level, and sometimes not so low level, of anxiety that can be crippling, but when there really are things that happen that give you cause to be anxious and afraid, losing my beloved pugs, the hurricane, the bloodclot, it makes it hard to feel safe at all, and you simply cannot live afraid all the time. I am taking concrete steps to address my fears and have a plan of action in case one is needed, and I am putting in place things that will help me move through each day. Transforming fear from something crippling to something manageable is one of my most important jobs now. Self-care on many levels, and now slow stitching projects, will be a very important part of this.
I have now started stitching the outline of the heart inside the hand, I am just at the very beginning of this project and it is very exciting. While the stitching itself calms my nerves the excitement about having something to do that is creative and inspiring is feeding my soul. I want the whole piece to be full of color and texture and surprises and delightful elements. My wheels are spinning.
I will share this process as I work on it, as well as sharing what I believe I am meant to share through my work, thoughts on aging, coping, and thriving in spite of it all. We can make it through dear ones, we really can, we are not alone, that is what I have to say and share with the world. This is what my work is to be about, something about all of this. These blog posts will be a way to work it all out in my mind. Thank you for allowing me to share it all with you, thank you for being here with me, for reading and commenting. I appreciate it more than I can say. You help me feel less alone in the world. I cannot thank you enough.
A wise post, Maitri. I totally appreciate many of the positive things that the digital age has brought to our lives, so if we have the ability, I think, why not use it? I now have my hubbie’s location when he’s out on a long bike ride “tracked” on my phone, if I need to find where he might be. That’s a good thing.
And it’s scary to have these health challenges. I had two wake-up calls in my late 20’s and early 30’s, when I could have died from ruptured blood vessels that were bleeding. In both cases, it turned out OK, after emergency surgery for one, and a cauterization for another, but I never took living a long life for granted again after that!
And now, as I get get closer to the age my mother died (64), I’m always aware of that, too.
It is so about transforming fear to something more positive, whether big or small. And about making it through. Thanks for an inspiring post.
Thank you so much dear Lisa, and yes, the technology today opens up whole new worlds for us. I am deeply grateful. We hear so much now about overuse of technology, the downsides, the perils of the internet, but for me, living alone and older, it is a godsend in so many ways. The ability to be in touch with family and friends, to have dear friends and a sense of community is not diminished because it is in the virtual world and not in real life. I could bemoan the fact that it is so but I won’t because I am so deeply grateful. And the tools for health and wholeness, help and inspiration for keto, help with this new stitching I’m doing, for so many things, it makes my life rich and meaningful.
And yes, transforming fear is possible. It is hard, it is hard work, but it is absolutely necessary. So onward I go. And I’m so glad to have you here with me, always, on this journey. I love you dear one. Bless you, always…
i love your pink hand. it is so flowing and even and lovely to trace with my eye. i can’t wait to see the heart in it, and then who knows what else? flowers and tendrils? suns and moons? the sky’s the limit, whatever you and your needle can imagine!
thank you for sharing your life with me/and us. it is such a gift.
xo
ka
Thank you so much darling Ka, I am having so much fun doing this. Last night I watched a movie and stitched until 10:30 in perfect peace, usually a time I get very lonely and even afraid. Conquering fear and making the most of whatever life we have instead of getting stuck in what we have not is ongoing hard work and absolutely essential, it is a saving grace. We must find what works and continually work toward whatever peace we can find in the world. Thank you for being here with me honey, it means so much…
M. xoxox
Maitri, PTSD is a complex fear-based response which therapists can’t adequately grapple with. They simply don’t know how to treat it. There is an internationally acclaimed Edgar Cayce-style medical medium who gets accolades across the planet because his therapies work!!! He cured me of incurable mystery illnesses which the medical establishment has no cure for. I was told I would never recover and get worse but not so. I have defied the doctors. This is the medical medium’s response to PTSD. Please have a leisurely listen. There is a cure and you CAN get on with living and kick your trauma to the curb for good. I want to see you healed. Medical Medium has seen people cured with the protocol for PTSD, there is testimony out there and people ARE recovering from lifelong fear based trauma https://soundcloud.com/medicalmedium/overcoming-ptsd
Thank you Leeanne I will check it out…
Maitri,
As we age many of us have similar fears, especially after facing something like you had to face. You are wise to think ahead. So many people do not. I have a ‘do not disturb’ feature on my phone that I turn on while sleeping. But all my close family rings through in case of an emergency. I always keep my phone by my bed.
I love the sense of peace I get when I read about your stitching endeavors. I do not have that level of patience, but I certainly appreciate those who do. I cannot wait until you reveal where the needle and thread take you.
Much love!
Maggie honey, you know, we all find what works for us. I have tried and tried and tried since I was in my 20’s to establish a daily meditation practice, I have done it for periods, but always fallen away, taken classes, read books, studied with great teachers, nothing could keep me going. This slow stitching is truly meditation for me, it’s a practice for me, not just an art. It is truly amazing. As I said to Katya above last night I watched a movie and stitched until 10:30 in perfect peace, at a time of night I am often feeling lonely and maybe afraid. This stitching is a tool for inner peace, it is self care. I think it will become an essential part of my life. What may ever come of it I can’t imagine and am not trying to imagine, I am doing this for me, one stitch at a time, that is all.
And much love to you too dearheart, I love you dearly…
Dear Maitri, There is this wonderful Tarot card from a deck I love, the Voyager Tarot by James Wanless. It is a hand, a glowing hand and every time I see it or pull it, I think of healing and love. I will send you a picture of it. Maybe as you embroider your lovely hand you can think about this card and imagine healing going into your body through your lovely hand. And when you can, remember those wonderful angels that are around you whether you feel them or not. They ARE there. And so are we, supporting and loving you.
Much Love, Jean
Dear Jean,
I saw the picture of the tarot card that you posted on FB on my phone when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I have not been on FB yet to comment but it is a truly beautiful card, thank you for sharing. And yes, my angels, I know that they are there, I have had evidence of the presence of angels in my life as you know, I believe you have seen the pictures here on this blog before the fire of the pink orbs everywhere. Thank you for continuing to remind me. Some things we know but we forget when we are afraid. You are an angel in my life yourself dear one. I love you and appreciate you being there.
I hope you and your husband have a lovely Thanksgiving. Many blessings and much love to you…
Hugs,
Maitri
I, too, look forward to reading your daily blog because it’s always enlightening and interesting.
Thank you dear Marge, that means a lot to me…