It has taken me all day to process this. It is hard to know how to talk about it. I will do my best.
Last night I woke out of a terrifying dream at 2:30 a.m. It was frightening both because of the dark nature of the dream, and that it had its roots in my childhood where bad things happened, and that the reason that it upset me so badly was because I was stuck in a memory of something that I had done, not a good thing, which was a reaction to bad things that were being done to me. My acting out in the way that I did is something that, from time to time, haunts me. And in the dark of night it grew larger and larger until I was nearly swallowed whole with terror, shame, guilt, and remorse. I imagined that I would never have another peaceful moment in my life. And my life, coming out of childhood abuse, both sexual and emotional, neglect, and periods of abandonment led me, even as an adult when mental illness flared, to do things I would later regret. As a child when we are acted upon in dark and damaging ways the coping mechanisms that we develop are often not healthy or wise, we are in survival mode, these things leave a mark, we act and react from unseen forces that are beyond our comprehension. This was as true as a child as it was as a woman in my 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond. In a kind of terror filled place of grasping we can sometimes make choices that we will later regret. And then there they are, we have done or said the thing, and it cannot be taken back. These are the things that can make me weep.
The memory that I had in the middle of the night happened when I was about 14. I was caught up in a tornado of emotions so dark and terrifying — things happening to me, my reaction to them, the resulting behaviors as I tried to cope, shame, regret, sorrow, deep sadness, a sense of being so lost I could never again be found — were like swirling round and round a drain about to go down for the last time and be lost forever. Finally, I took the Xanax. I was wide-eyed and terrified. I wondered if there would ever be a time I would feel safe again. The recent hurricane in some ways blew the lid off of things, off any degree of safety I have felt in the world, leaving me with little ability to take a deep breath and simply relax. The ghosts of a terrifying life past, bad choices, regretful decisions, a lost sense of security, it was all circling around me until I felt physically ill and in tears. Finally the Xanax kicked in and I went back to sleep.
Today I have spent most of the day watching videos of Pema Chödrön teaching her course “This Sacred Journey.” Purposeful living, fearless dying. It is about compassion in the deepest sense. She talked about for years waking up at 4 a.m. with panic attacks and how she worked with them, and in that moment I knew that the only way for me to move through this dark morass of fear and anxiety was to find compassion for myself. I was a young girl, the things that I did at the time were the result of the things that were happening to me. I was lost, afraid, marked by these experiences. Suddenly I could see the young girl that I was with such a sense of deep compassion I wish that I could take her in my arms and just hold her. I wept for the young girl that I was, and consequently I wept for the young woman, and then older woman that I would become who also, through fear, and struggling, and being constantly challenged by mental instability would make decisions that were not in her best interest. I felt a deep compassion for the shame, the guilt, decisions made during dark times of confusion and fear that I now, at 64, cannot take back, and in some ways am still and always will pay a price for, in some ways a steep price.
In these moments the only things I can see are the things that caused pain or suffering for myself or others. It is, at these times, impossible for me to see that in my life I have also been a deeply sensitive, loving, caring woman who has done much good in the world, things I am proud of. It is time for me to put down my burdens, to release my regrets, to remove the albatross around my neck and let it go. What was, was. What is, is. The woman I am today is a deeply loving, caring, kind and compassionate woman, and in many ways, those ways that we will never be able to comprehend, I am a kinder, more empathetic, more caring person today because of everything that I have gone through in my life, every single hard, dark, scary thing has brought me here. How to make the most of the best of what I know and who I am today? How to move forward? By loving myself, by forgiving myself, by finding compassion for myself, and then letting go, and by allowing all that is today, in this moment, to be the ground from which I move forward. There is no past anymore. If I allow the hard things in the past to exist in my present I will never make the best of the life that is left to me no matter how long that is.
I am starting to breathe a little easier. I am beginning to feel both sadness but also tenderness for that young frightened girl. I am beginning to look at what is, now, today, in this moment, and clutch it to my heart, to see the value in it, to see that I have worth, that I am okay, that I am safe, that everything will be okay. That is harder to believe, that last bit, but I am working on it. I said in my post yesterday that I am on a mission to heal my broken heart. In so doing I am creating fertile ground for a whole new life to grow. I believe this is possible, and that I can finally believe this is huge. With this belief I will move forward a little bit more today, if only a tiny step forward, it is still a step. I am not where I was, in this moment, in the middle of the night. I hope not to be again. I am still afraid, but I will move on from here.
Infinite Compassion: A 365 Day Journey~
Day 1 – Peeling The Layers Of The Heart…
“We must continue to open in the face of tremendous opposition.
No one is encouraging us to open and still we must
peel away the layers of the heart.”
Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche
So recognizable Maitri! The things we have done in the past (or said) that were caused by the things that happened to us. And feeling ashamed of it. Oh boy… A whole can of worms.
Thank you for sharing!
Mieke
Thank you for your comment Mieke. I almost pulled this post down 3x because it scared me so much to put it out there but as I wrote to people in my newsletter and on FB if it could help one person it would be worthwhile putting out there. My job, as a writer, is not to write the easy things but to tell the truth. Writing is a vehicle for healing, transformation, and reaching out to others who are suffering and struggling to let them know they are not alone. Your comment here saved me so I’m not so scared. Thank you so much…
Hugs and Love,
Maitri
Maitri, I have been going out doing all kinds of nature meditations of late. I started with moon gazing, bird watching, sunrise/sunset basking, star gazing and now hugging trees. I learned these meditations off a medical medium called Anthony William. He has a free
soundcloud audio on these nature meditations. The moon gazing uproots all the weeds in your soul and allows the heart to heal. The moon is an incredible transmitter of energy and can release all the negativity, it uproots everything that has taken hold in your consciousness. The birdwatching enables you to self identify as being free as a bird if you feel cloistered and delimited by factors in your life, sunrise/sunset watching re-instills trust if it has been broken – the sun will always rise and set just like an old friend who is always there for you, star gazing has enabled me to take back the fragmented parts of my soul and to be strong in the face of the ups and downs of life so I am no longer weary -its a form of soul rejuvenation as our untouched soul resides in the stars by maintaining connection with the stars we heal a weary soul. My latest hobby is hugging and meditating with trees and it just makes me feel so incredibly grounded and the Medical Medium says fear can totally leave your body permanently to face life with a resolute steadfastness you have never known. I feel like I have no fear and and have a solidifying fortification to my whole sense of being. These are incredible meditations that pull out all the toxic emotions which stand in the way of your body beginning to heal via a compromised immune system saddled with negative emotional states. I have done all kinds of meditation – TM, pyramid, primordial, shaktipat and mindfulness but spirit has told him nature meditations are not man-made and offer up the best of freeing and liberating you from the negative states you can possess. I am learning to work with rocks and stones from nature to absorb the qualities in myself I don’t like. I am going on a nature walk soon to select three stone which I will attach qualities to such as anger, guilt and fear and then pour these emotions into them and focus on having a friendship with them as they rest by my bedside. When the time naturally comes I will release all these stones into nature in a stream or river so the venom is washed away leaving me purified. I have heard this used as a practice in indigenous cultures. I’m so glad we have these simple and free things that enable the soul to heal 🙂
Thank you honey these are all beautiful ideas. I used to spend a lot of time in nature, I used to spend a lot of time in the garden and hugging trees. Just now I am so traumatized outside because of the recent hurricane that hit here, all the trees down, a tree fell against my house, trees fell into and broke the fence that fenced my back yard so there is no fenced yard for my dogs. The whole front of my property is taller than me with downed trees and giant limbs. It is a harrowing time here. One day I will feel safe in nature again. Not now…
Yes I know love, it must be very hard trying to integrate such a traumatising incident. I can’t begin to imagine how you would get on top of such a nightmare. I know its all around you – the trees and you want it fixed but you are doing your best, better than most people given your situation. But even looking up at the stars and moon has healing effects. I started moon gazing a year ago and its lifted a lot of the emotional stuff for me, truly. Today I selected a piece of fluorite to work with – it instills peace in chaotic situations. I wish I had some rainbow fluorite – its so beautiful to look at. The new moon coming up will be a challenge from an astrology perspective but working with fluorite will enable me to make solid decisions, communicate better and have common ground with people
My Dear Sweet Friend,
My heart breaks for the little girl that was and is you. She deserved better and while I know you realize that, it does not make it any easier.
Dreams can be so unnerving, so powerful and sometimes the terrible ones are so hard to shake.
Remember this. We are not our mistakes or our problems or our past. We all have them and some, like you, suffered greatly at the hands of someone you should have been able to trust. Recoil from that is part of the natural survival instinct.
I am so glad you spent the day caring for your needs. Perhaps the feelings of tenderness for this frightened little girl will allow her to walk free now, knowing she counted and knowing she is loved.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much my dear darling Maggie. Your kind words mean so much to me. And what woke me up this morning was the ding of a text coming through, my son telling us they would not be able to come because they are so sick with the flu. Of course I understand but it broke my heart. It was the 2nd visit they had scheduled, the first when they were supposed to come was just days after the hurricane, but now having to cancel again through no fault of their own they won’t be able to come home until Christmas. And it would not have just been a wonderful family visit but they were going to help us. Aaron was going to bring tools and work on fixing things like my fence. So now I have no help either. I am so sad. But my dear friend Noni is coming this evening to have dinner, watch a movie, and spend the night. She will be here for coffee in the morning before she has to go to work. That means so much. What would I do without my dear women friends like you and Noni and all the others? You are helping both me, and the little girl that was me and is suffering and so afraid just now, so much.
I wish I could just write about all jolly happy things but I am given this life to write about and my hope is that I can help others by doing so. But it makes it so much easier to know that I can hold your hand along the way. I love you Maggie…
Sending love, light and healing for the frightened young girl in you. Much love and hugs, dear Maitri. xxx
Thank you dear Jenny, I appreciate that so much…
Me and my Little Girl are giving you and your Little Girl the biggest hugs right now!
We do what we can with the resources (or lack thereof) we have…and our Deep Shadows are often the origins of our Brilliant Brightness. May you continue to deepen in your compassion for ALL of your aspects, and may that extend to all of us as well.
Thank you dear Victoria, I appreciate the hugs and am sending them right back to you. And gracious shadow work is hard work and requires tremendous love and compassion. May we all be well, may we all find our way. I am trying so hard, and post hurricane when there is so much physical recovery all around it makes everything else much harder. These are such hard days and times. I am just trying to breathe my way through…
Much love to you honey…
Sending hugs, Maitri — the scared and traumatized little girt deserves comfort and compassion, regardless of what might have happened as a result.
Compassion for our mistakes, faults, bad choices, and transgressions, whatever — well, turning the focus to all the good that you do — that’s where we find the ability to move forward.
Yes Lisa, you are so right. As I just wrote to Victoria above right now it is the fact that this is difficult emotional work to do at any time but post hurricane with so much devastation all around here, and such a mess everywhere, the physical world is not a safe place either and that makes everything else harder. One day, one moment, at a time. That’s all I can do. And I am losing Maurice who has helped me since spring and having to find someone else and that is jarring too. In this moment it all feels like too much but I know one moment at a time I’ll find my way through. Please hold a good thought for me…
Pema Chodron is amazing .. I am so happy you led me to her also. She has some you tube up and I think I have listen to all of them..
I love starting my day after my cuppas with the breathing.. usually i do the filling myself with pain and all the pain of the peoples I can reach out to.. and then breathing it out and then breathing in all the love I can fill myself with and then send that love out to the people around me with pain..
Always makes me more centered.
I couldnt do it yet today .. woke up to the old nasty vertigo…
I am sorry you had a nightmare Maitri .. O how I wish I could help you .. but as you know it is a lonely path and fears on this path are your s to face.. but know I can stand beside you we all can.. even if you cant see ys. cant feel us, we are there.
and just to let ya know day 2 blog: https://juliaferry365.blogspot.com/2018/10/day-2-of-my-365-challenge-has-started.html
Dear Julia I’m glad that you have found Pema and her work, she is truly amazing. And I so appreciate your kind words and loving support. What is hard work emotionally at any time has been made so much worse by this hurricane and the aftermath. Right now I am just trying to find my way through. Good luck with your blog honey, it will be an enriching journey for you…
Blessings…