“We must continue to open in the face of tremendous opposition.
No one is encouraging us to open and still we must
peel away the layers of the heart.”
Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche
And so I pick up the thread from yesterday’s post and begin here. No one is encouraging us to open and still we must peel away the layers of the heart. In the next 365 days I am going to do just that, each and every day, in whatever form that takes.
As I begin I am feeling everything — afraid, unsure, determined, so full I don’t know where to begin and so empty I don’t feel like I have anything to say. I will start here…
This morning I woke up about 5 a.m. and I was uneasy. Uneasy and then anxious, anxious and then afraid, and it grew and grew. After 9 months on no medication for the most part except a very occasional Xanax, and having gone back on antidepressant and anxiety medication for 10 days and then off again a little over a month ago, I have been able to maintain pretty well with no medication. This is good. Long term use of Xanax — and I was on daily and usually multiple doses of Xanax for 20 or so years, they are finding can lead to dementia, Alzheimers, and more. I have very good reasons for having gone off this medication and I don’t want to be on it. A very occasional instance, like the night my pug Tanner died in April, is one thing, but then 3 weeks ago the hurricane hit and my whole world was turned upside down. I was advised to take Xanax as needed even if that was daily and it mostly was but I have cut back toward weaning myself away from it except on the occasional as needed basis. I have never abused medication and I won’t now so I am trying not to take it. But I have mornings like this one where I become so filled with terror I am almost coming out of my skin. Finally, a little after 6:30, I took the Xanax and was finally able to go back to sleep. I slept until 9:30 when the phone woke me up.
I have been filled with remorse for having taken it but at 6:30 this morning I was in such a state I needed help. In that moment I experienced a kind of acceptance and opening of my heart as if I was embracing my frightened self and, with tears running down my cheeks, I took the medication. It will be alright, I told myself. You will get past this.
Every day is a struggle for me. There are good days, beautiful times, so many things I am grateful for, but at the bottom of it all is a woman for whom suffering and struggling has been the familiar state, something always to be faced and dealt with, and yet in the middle of it all I do carry on. I have spent so many years feeling so badly about myself it is time that the tides turn. I am embracing myself, I am cradling the hurt frightened woman in my arms, I am loving her, I am showing her the kind compassion she never got as a child, sexually and emotionally abused for many years, fragile as an adult woman, suffering from serious clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD, and Bipolar disorder, more in therapy than out, on a lot of medication for a long time, alone and frightened after the end of a 31 year marriage, making mistakes as the Bipolar disorder flared, living through a devastating fire, losing all financial security, not knowing how I would survive, and facing every single day so afraid I wasn’t sure how I could go on. And then one terrible, terrifying night the Mobile Crisis Unit had to be called.
It was a critical point and fortunately I turned a corner. New doctors, new medication, a diet that so changed my life I was able to go off medication but still needing constant vigilance, and now facing aging and an uncertain future I have become afraid again, but I have made a choice. I cannot allow my sense of urgency about doing what I need to do to survive financially to push me into doing things that will put me over the edge emotionally. I have to slow down, so slow that I can see the smallest things that it is easy to rush past, and I must accept myself where I am with kind compassion, while gently, ever so gently, encouraging myself to see what might be possible, peeling back one layer at a time, as I am ready, to see what is there. I have been afraid to look. There has been so much there that was dark and scary. I have only begun to appreciate, in these last months, that there is much there that is beautiful too, that I do have much to offer, and to that end, in these next 365 days, I will uncover that which might be possible in my life.
Just after the hurricane hit, exactly 3 weeks ago, I was given a tremendous gift. I was given a course that I badly wanted to take but it was expensive and I didn’t have the money. I knew this course could benefit me in my own life personally, and also with my work, with my teaching and writing, but there was no way I could afford it, and then just days after the hurricane, sitting in a dark house with no power, afraid, and shaky, having only my phone with limited battery to communicate with the outside world, the word came, I had been given the course. It is Pema Chödrön’s “This Sacred Journey,” an interactive online retreat on “Living Purposefully and Dying Fearlessly.” It is a powerful course that acknowledges that in facing the knowledge that we will one day die we live more fully in the present moment. It is very deep material. And there are all manner of little births and deaths in our lives, and the only way to live fully is to face them all. There will be two live meetings with Pema herself, a community, and practice material. In this year of living with infinite compassion toward myself, and others, and all of life, I will be training for the future and the work that will come. The recent hurricane was filled with deaths of many types, and out of the ashes of these deaths, large and small, a new life is emerging. I will be exploring all of this over the next 365 days.
So this is how I am beginning, with the knowledge of my own fragility, with the knowledge that I will one day die, and with the determination to live as fully and with as much compassion and loving-kindness as I can for all of the days of the life that I do have. “Infinite Compassion” is the way of the Bodhisattva, a path I have followed for decades. I am in my deepest heart a teacher. I long to be of service in the world, but it must begin with me. In the next year I will daily work toward healing my broken heart, and in so doing it is my wish, through my writings here, to reach out to others with love and compassion. We are not alone. Come here, talk to me, comment on my posts, ask me questions, I will answer you, I will do my best.
And if you have joined me with your own 365 day journey when you leave a comment after my posts you can leave a link to your own blog journey, and along the way you can share with us how the act of showing up for your own life each and every day is helping you to heal, to move forward, to find new ways into your own journey of compassion and kindness for yourself and the world around you. This is important work and I am honored to have you as companions on the journey. It is finally time. We begin now. May you be blessed each and every day, may you know love in your heart for yourself and others, may you find peace and rest in this moment. Our journey has begun…
Maitri,
I am so proud of this journey you have taken and so privileged to be part of the next 365 days by blogging alongside you. ( https://FromCaveWalls.Wordpress.com ).
Even though. I know about the challenges you have faced, I still feel my chest tighten as I read your words. I say a prayer and wonder if you realize how brave and strong you have been. 💕 I know you see all you have accomplished and our writing group is one I am so fortunate to be a part of.
So today we begin. My mantra, for whatever lies ahead is simply to ‘Find Joy in the Journey’.
Thank you so much dear Maggie, I appreciate your kind comments so much and I love your “Find Joy In The Journey.” I also read your blog post when I was out doing errands but waited to comment until I could do it here on the computer but I love it and wish you the best on your year’s journey. Away we go! I’m so glad we’re both doing it.
Love you honey…
Maitri
Dearest Maitri,
What Maggie said. 🙂
Thank you darling Lauren. 🙂 Did you start your blogging today honey? I know you might have made yours private but I wanted to wish you well. Big love to you…
Maitri
I started yesterday. It is not private I don’t think. Tanya did all the work and set me up.
Lauren, I saw, in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, you sent me a link in Messenger. I was too out of it to try to respond on my phone but it looks beautiful honey. You’re off to a great start! Congratulations! I loved reading it and will leave a comment today. And bless Tanya for helping you, it looks beautiful!
“May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you,
and the pure light within you, guide your way home.”
I learned this chant/song way way back in the early 70’s, and now and again it surfaces. It’s a gift to feel that pure light, guiding us home…. ah.
As i type, a squirrel is running helter skelter up the magnolia tree to the very top. what a hurry he’s in. Maybe he thinks fall is coming. I wish it were true!
So looking forward to reading your blog day by day, as you unfold the beautiful petals of your heart, maitri.
Thank you so much sweet Ka, I love that chant/song, it’s really beautiful and a nice celebratory song for this new journey. And I love squirrels, there are many here. I worried so about the birds and the squirrels during the hurricane and even a couple of feral cats. Where do they go? But here they are, mischievous and busy as ever! And I love knowing that you will be here as part of my journey on the blog. It means so much to me to have you here. Big hugs and lots of love honey…
M. xoxox
So we begin. Thank you, Maitri, for the encouragement and inspiration. I feel like I’ll be re-knitting the solid threads in my life into something new. Not sure what that will be, but the journey, but the journey is always interesting, whether comfortable or not.
https://placesofthespirit.blogspot.com/2018/10/a-365-day-journey.html
Dear Lisa it is so much fun to be doing this together, those of us that are. Your blog looks wonderful, I love your art, as I just said on your blog I’d love to see a book by you some day illustrated with your watercolors. How perfect they are with your nature themes. Onward and upward and away we go!
What a joy it is to follow you for yet another year of your beautiful daily blog. Bless you, in all ways and for all days.
Thank you so much dear Moira, I have loved having you here and will look so forward to seeing you here during this new year’s project. I hope all is well with you. I’m sending you love and a gentle, warm hug…
Today my emotions are kinda all over the place… but I did retake my spelling test and I passed with an 87% not bad for the worst speller in the world and tomorrow more tests.
I did get my blog up today :
https://juliaferry365.blogspot.com/2018/10/day-1-of-my-365-day-challenge-for-next.html
so ya I let a petal fall today got my plane booked to go see Mom in florida … have to learn how to use a cell phone and my tablet with wifi .. all this scares me cause it is out of my comfort zone … flying alone .. landing .. getting a uber to take me to moms. is my patch work purse that is hippie style gonna be okay .. my head could explode with all the regs and what about all my meds … see questions and I have to find all the answers and make sure my overhead bag will fit. now what clothes should I wear? florida I think i will be sweating a lot! lol mainly Mom and I will be staying home .. watch our favorite movies crying at the endings … singing the songs in the musicals lol and we shall have a nice glass of wine and cheese at 4pm everyday 🙂
I know I should just slow down and focus.. I say my Montra over and over there better for now lol
Oh darling Julia, how brave and amazing you are. I just left you a note on your blog! And I think it is just awesome that you are going to visit your mom. 2 of my children live out of town and I am afraid to travel now. I think you are brave and wonderful and amazing. Have a wonderful time. As I said on your blog don’t worry about spelling, punctuation and grammar, all of that can be dealt with once you tell your stories. You have amazing stories to tell. Tell your stories. Begin there. The world is your oyster. And have a piece of cheese and a glass of wine for me. 🙂
Oh, how I wish I had time to do this. Perhaps when I retire in a couple of years. (I have so many plans for retirement. I’ll end up even busier!)
That would be lovely Janie! It is really a very special thing to do, life-changing, it has meant so much to me this past year and I am excited to be setting out on a new journey with others who are also doing their own. And I tell you some of the retired people out there are indeed the busiest people I know! 🙂
A day late but I have begun!
https://odysseyofacaregiver.blogspot.com
Instead of trying (again) to revive my old blog, I chose to start fresh. The name came from a hashtag I created on Twitter.
Oh, Maitri, love and hugs to you and the pugs! I have been toying with a blog for a couple of years now. I even have the name Dancing in Moonlight. Maybe this year….
Thanks for all your inspiring work.
Thank you so much dear Michele, I appreciate the love and hugs! And good luck to you with your blog. It’s a lovely name. And regular blogging can be a life-changing thing. I wish you well on your journey…