A week or so ago I wrote that I wanted to start doing some embroidery, and for me any kind of fiber or textile art, being self-taught, is most comfortably done in a freeform manner. I ordered a handful of inexpensive supplies after finding just the resource I needed to help inspire me and give me confidence, a book for my Kindle called Joyful Stitching: Transform Fabric with Improvisational Embroidery by Laura Wasilowski. I previewed it on Amazon and felt like I had come home. The supplies came this week just after I came home from the hospital and today I got up the courage to give it a go. Beginning today was like coming home to myself.

I only read through the first few pages of the book because I was so eager to start. I knew what I wanted to do. I drew around my hand, drew a heart in the center of the hand, and began. I have spent the afternoon stitching slowly and as I have done so I know I have found the method for stitching myself back together. All of the bits and parts and pieces that have come apart in the last months of loss, tragedies, heartbreak, and the current health challenge have left me not knowing what to do or how to move forward. I have felt lost, frightened, scattered, and unable to move. And there is nothing that can be done quickly. The hurricane cleanup and repair work will be a months long process, this blood clot in my leg will take months to resolve, there is nothing for it but to take a deep breath and slow down.

When I heard the words “slow stitching” it was as though a temple bell had rung in my heart, and there was a quickening inside, an awakening, I knew this was what I was meant to do now, if for no other reason than to give me something to focus on as I heal and move through all that needs to be done here now. I was delighted to hear about the “Slow Stitching Movement” and have just found a website for it, there’s even a “Slow Stitching Podcast” that I can’t wait to listen to, and lots of inspiration on Instagram and other places dedicated to slow stitching.

I spent the afternoon moving slowly around the edges of the hand with needle and thread while listening to Anne Lamott’s book “Plan B: Further Thoughts On Faith,” and when fear rose, as it has over and over again in the last days, I just focused on my stitching. There is something incredibly calming and soothing about this process, it is a meditation, it is a form of self-care, it is giving me something to hold onto.

This is a very hard time for me. This week when I was at the hospital and was told that I had a blood clot from my groin to my ankle and was then told that had I waited another two weeks I “could have been in serious trouble,” something shot through me like a knife, a kind of fear I had not yet faced. Oh yes, we all may be afraid of aging and dying but not until you are really faced with something that may hold or touch on something that awakens you to your own mortality do you know a kind of fear that you feel “on the pulse” in a very real way. Last night, when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, something struck me. I always have my cell phone in my pocket for safety in case I were to fall, around the house, outside walking the dog, in the car when I have to go some place, but I don’t usually take it with me just to go to the bathroom which is the other side of the house from where I sleep. It hit me in the middle of the night that even then I should have my phone. I live alone. If I fell I could be in serious trouble. It made me very afraid. This morning I called my daughter Rachel and asked her if she kept her phone on her nightstand, if she would hear it if I had an emergency and needed to call her in the middle of the night. She said she didn’t usually, it was usually downstairs on the charger but when she realized how afraid I was she said she would keep it next to her bed at night. All of a sudden I begin to think about these things.

Fear rises and it can be so overwhelming it is hard to cope, to move through the hours without being paralyzed by all the frightening scenarios that run through your mind but I am finding that I must actively work to transform the acute nature of fear into something manageable. Some of what fear does is alert us to possible danger and this is not a bad thing. Realizing it would be good to have my phone with me when I get up in the middle of the night, checking in with Rachel to make sure she would hear the phone if I had to call for help, these are concrete actions that are sensible and prudent. Identify the fears, that which are rational, and take steps to do what you can to plan for ways to be safe, to have help if needed, have a plan, and then take a deep breath.

Fear will rise, the thing is not to get stuck there. I am afraid often, it is something I work on in therapy, I don’t feel safe in the world. I haven’t since I was a little girl being abused, it left me with a low level, and sometimes not so low level, of anxiety that can be crippling, but when there really are things that happen that give you cause to be anxious and afraid, losing my beloved pugs, the hurricane, the bloodclot, it makes it hard to feel safe at all, and you simply cannot live afraid all the time. I am taking concrete steps to address my fears and have a plan of action in case one is needed, and I am putting in place things that will help me move through each day. Transforming fear from something crippling to something manageable is one of my most important jobs now. Self-care on many levels, and now slow stitching projects, will be a very important part of this.

I have now started stitching the outline of the heart inside the hand, I am just at the very beginning of this project and it is very exciting. While the stitching itself calms my nerves the excitement about having something to do that is creative and inspiring is feeding my soul. I want the whole piece to be full of color and texture and surprises and delightful elements. My wheels are spinning.

I will share this process as I work on it, as well as sharing what I believe I am meant to share through my work, thoughts on aging, coping, and thriving in spite of it all. We can make it through dear ones, we really can, we are not alone, that is what I have to say and share with the world. This is what my work is to be about, something about all of this. These blog posts will be a way to work it all out in my mind. Thank you for allowing me to share it all with you, thank you for being here with me, for reading and commenting. I appreciate it more than I can say. You help me feel less alone in the world. I cannot thank you enough.