Rachel Awes

Today I put the above picture on Instagram. This is what I wrote…

“Amazing! After these little dahlias had finished blooming and died back in early summer I saved the tubers and then promptly forgot about them. I have done nothing to them but they are coming back up and blooming all on their own. A lesson is how we all want to, and can, bloom again, even against the odds and with little help. It is just IN US to bloom. I have decided I want to bloom again. It’s time.” #blooming #rebirth #renewal #beginningagain #miracles

Then I sat down here to read for a little bit a book I am madly in love with by the amazing Rachel Awes, therapist, author, speaker, and “art playgroundist.” The book is The Great Green Okayness: A Field Guide To Seeing Your Uncommon Magnificence. As I was reading I came across a chapter (They are all tiny chapters and with whimsical illustrations by the author coming out of her therapy practice.) in which she spoke about being where we want to be so I asked myself, “Are you where you want to be?” and I was mightily shocked to hear myself answer, “Yes.”

Now in the last days I have written about struggling so hard with depression and anxiety that I have had to go back on medication. I wrote, just yesterday, about serious neuropathy in my feet (“On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst, yours are an 8. You have ‘At risk feet,’ ” said the foot doctor on Wednesday, much to my dismay.). I have lost 50 pounds but still have more than 100 to lose. I am scared about money all the time. BUT I have a lovely home, I have children who love me and darling grandchildren, my darling pugs, my constant companions, are right here beside me, I don’t have much money and it is a struggle and a worry especially when it comes to things like vet bills, but despite it all here I am, and after nearly a year of doing this 365 day blog experiment I am doing the work of my heart. The Sunday Night Writing Group is nothing short of phenomenal. The women in this group are amazing, the work we are doing is mind-blowing, this morning I got a long amazing letter from one of my students about what my work means to her, and my own therapist said that she would like to take my class some time. I have found my way back to my true work. I am incredibly proud of it. And it is becoming a book.

How could I not be happy with where I am, right in this moment? I am indeed blooming again. It may not look like it to the outside world who sees a 64 year old, overweight, mostly agoraphobic woman who rarely leaves the house, but I am here to tell you I know that I am lucky, luckier than many, and today, right now, in this moment, I am celebrating it. Yes, I want to be thinner, I want to have more money so I am not afraid all the time and worrying about where I will end up one day, I want my children and grandchildren to be okay, I want my darling elderly pugs to live forever and know that they won’t, but oh my goodness gracious sakes alive I have so much, and I am grateful for it all. And here’s the secret to everything. When you are doing the work that matters most to you in the whole wide world, when you are helping people and making a difference in their lives, when you feel love from your family and friends, well, what else is there?

This does not mean that I don’t currently need medication, nor that I don’t sigh over the fact that in college I was a dance minor with 15 years ballet, tap, modern dance and more, and now I have to be very careful when I get up at night to go potty, I have to walk cautiously lest I fall since if I did fall and get hurt I am here alone and could have a hard time reaching help. I am human, I have faults and foibles, imperfections, and worries aplenty. But today, today, I am keenly aware that where I am is a glorious place to be. I am at a place where I can see things getting better and better. I am so deeply committed to the ketogenic diet I know that I will lose all of the weight I haven’t been able to lose for decades and despite my feet and iffy mental health issues I am healthier physically than I have been in a very long time. I know that this work I am doing is leading to something and I believe it will one day create the income that I need to live comfortably and unafraid. And, my deepest wish my whole adult life, doing work in the world that matters, being of service, well, I already am, and it’s going to get better and better all the time.

Are you where you want to be? And if you are not what can you do to change it? Knowing, of course, that no one has a perfect life and neither will you, knowing that every conceivable dream may not be realized, but knowing, also, that you can have more than you may have ever dreamed. Take a good look at your life. Where there are problems, change what you can. Where there are things you can’t change, learn to take care of them the best way you can. And Dream BIG, and never stop working toward your dreams. I started this 365 Day Experiment on the search for happiness almost 11 months ago. Today I realized that I had discovered what happiness is. It is the 3 things I have just mentioned.

I will continue to have every conceivable kind of day under the sun. I will have hard days and good days, sad days and moments where I feel triumphant. But I will continue on, as I do, doing my work, showing up here, and thanking God for all that I do have. I will deal with the rest as best I can, and I will share it all here with you. You are my people. You are my tribe. And I am here for you too. Write to me in the comments below. I will answer you. I care. It’s time for you to bloom too. If not, why not? If not now, when? It’s time for us all.