Loss — Page 2

I am in shock. I am heartbroken. I am inconsolable. I just don’t know what to do. Tanner was my “Baby Man,” 9 years old and the youngest of my 3 pugs. He had his checkup a month ago and the vet thought he looked fine. But last night he passed away, suddenly, unexpectedly, after seeming fine all day long. I am so lost I can barely breathe.

The family all went out to dinner last night. I fed the dogs before I left, he ate all his dinner and acted fine. When I got home all three dogs were jumping about excited that mama was home. We were all here together in my studio and somewhere around 10 he went out through the doggie door into the fenced yard. He loved to be outside and sometimes liked to just go out on the deck and lay there. By 10:20 I decided to get ready for bed so got up to get the dogs out, I hadn’t somehow realized that Tanner hadn’t come back in. I searched everywhere, he wasn’t in the house. I went out on the deck and called him and called him but he didn’t come. I knew something was wrong.

I went in and grabbed a flashlight and went out into the yard calling him but I didn’t have to go far. There he was lying there as peacefully as if he had just laid down to take a nap. He did not look distressed in any way, but he was gone. I was in deep shock, I wailed and broke down completely. And it was 10:30 at night and I didn’t know what to do.

Aaron and his family were staying with Rachel and I called him there and Rachel got on the phone and they both said they were on the way. Everyone was in shock. While Aaron dug his little grave I went in for a blanket and Rachel wrapped him in it. We held each other and cried. Everyone loved Tanner. He was the sweetest little pug you would ever want to know. Finally he was buried. We put big stones on the grave to mark it. He is buried next to the first pug I ever adopted, little black Babs. All the rest have been cremated. They are buried in the little pink gated garden just across from the deck. I will plant something pretty for them there this year.

Aaron and Rachel came in and stayed with me until after midnight. Rachel poured me a small glass of wine and had one herself. Aaron was driving and didn’t want to drink but we all talked and cried. Rachel has always called Tanner the “George Clooney pug” because he was just such a beautiful boy, a fashion model pug.

Tanner came to me in May 2011. He was an “Emergency Adoption.” I have almost always adopted seniors or those with disabilities because they are less adoptable and I love them all the more because they are who they are. In one terrible year I lost my sweet Coco on the operating table in January 2011, in April my beloved Moses, a lab doby mix who had been our family pet, Aaron’s dog, who had lived with me for several years, had to be put to sleep at 18 1/2 because his battle with cancer had just become too much and he was suffering, and 3 weeks to the day later my little Harvey had a stroke. He was suffering and had to be put to sleep in my arms. That left Sampson who was my heart pug, so special, everyone adored little Sam. But all of these losses so close to each other had nearly done him in. He was clearly deeply depressed, and did not want to eat. I had to leave in 2 weeks to go to Atlanta for Aaron and Stephanie’s wedding and I was in a panic. I talked to Mid-Atlantic Pug Rescue where all 11 of my pugs have come from. They are just wonderful. They had a little 2 year old pug named Tanner who needed a home. Tanner was brought to me and it was like a miracle. He instantly brought Sampson back to life. They played, they bonded, they slept together and they were friends until the end when Sampson had a stroke and had to be put to sleep a few months after the fire in 2014 at 16 1/2. But Tanner had saved him.

Tanner and Sampson Christmas Morning 2013

I am absolutely lost. I am in shock. I don’t know what to do with myself.

Little Delilah and Pugsley slept all curled up with me last night. We are up now and have started our day. I am sitting here with my coffee but I can’t seem to figure out how to do life without Tanner. He gave so much, he loved so much, he was my joy boy and this morning all the color has gone out of the world.

I have no more to say. I need to just sit here with my two other babies. We have to try to figure out how to go on.