It has taken me all day to process this. It is hard to know how to talk about it. I will do my best.
Last night I woke out of a terrifying dream at 2:30 a.m. It was frightening both because of the dark nature of the dream, and that it had its roots in my childhood where bad things happened, and that the reason that it upset me so badly was because I was stuck in a memory of something that I had done, not a good thing, which was a reaction to bad things that were being done to me. My acting out in the way that I did is something that, from time to time, haunts me. And in the dark of night it grew larger and larger until I was nearly swallowed whole with terror, shame, guilt, and remorse. I imagined that I would never have another peaceful moment in my life. And my life, coming out of childhood abuse, both sexual and emotional, neglect, and periods of abandonment led me, even as an adult when mental illness flared, to do things I would later regret. As a child when we are acted upon in dark and damaging ways the coping mechanisms that we develop are often not healthy or wise, we are in survival mode, these things leave a mark, we act and react from unseen forces that are beyond our comprehension. This was as true as a child as it was as a woman in my 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond. In a kind of terror filled place of grasping we can sometimes make choices that we will later regret. And then there they are, we have done or said the thing, and it cannot be taken back. These are the things that can make me weep.
The memory that I had in the middle of the night happened when I was about 14. I was caught up in a tornado of emotions so dark and terrifying — things happening to me, my reaction to them, the resulting behaviors as I tried to cope, shame, regret, sorrow, deep sadness, a sense of being so lost I could never again be found — were like swirling round and round a drain about to go down for the last time and be lost forever. Finally, I took the Xanax. I was wide-eyed and terrified. I wondered if there would ever be a time I would feel safe again. The recent hurricane in some ways blew the lid off of things, off any degree of safety I have felt in the world, leaving me with little ability to take a deep breath and simply relax. The ghosts of a terrifying life past, bad choices, regretful decisions, a lost sense of security, it was all circling around me until I felt physically ill and in tears. Finally the Xanax kicked in and I went back to sleep.
Today I have spent most of the day watching videos of Pema Chödrön teaching her course “This Sacred Journey.” Purposeful living, fearless dying. It is about compassion in the deepest sense. She talked about for years waking up at 4 a.m. with panic attacks and how she worked with them, and in that moment I knew that the only way for me to move through this dark morass of fear and anxiety was to find compassion for myself. I was a young girl, the things that I did at the time were the result of the things that were happening to me. I was lost, afraid, marked by these experiences. Suddenly I could see the young girl that I was with such a sense of deep compassion I wish that I could take her in my arms and just hold her. I wept for the young girl that I was, and consequently I wept for the young woman, and then older woman that I would become who also, through fear, and struggling, and being constantly challenged by mental instability would make decisions that were not in her best interest. I felt a deep compassion for the shame, the guilt, decisions made during dark times of confusion and fear that I now, at 64, cannot take back, and in some ways am still and always will pay a price for, in some ways a steep price.
In these moments the only things I can see are the things that caused pain or suffering for myself or others. It is, at these times, impossible for me to see that in my life I have also been a deeply sensitive, loving, caring woman who has done much good in the world, things I am proud of. It is time for me to put down my burdens, to release my regrets, to remove the albatross around my neck and let it go. What was, was. What is, is. The woman I am today is a deeply loving, caring, kind and compassionate woman, and in many ways, those ways that we will never be able to comprehend, I am a kinder, more empathetic, more caring person today because of everything that I have gone through in my life, every single hard, dark, scary thing has brought me here. How to make the most of the best of what I know and who I am today? How to move forward? By loving myself, by forgiving myself, by finding compassion for myself, and then letting go, and by allowing all that is today, in this moment, to be the ground from which I move forward. There is no past anymore. If I allow the hard things in the past to exist in my present I will never make the best of the life that is left to me no matter how long that is.
I am starting to breathe a little easier. I am beginning to feel both sadness but also tenderness for that young frightened girl. I am beginning to look at what is, now, today, in this moment, and clutch it to my heart, to see the value in it, to see that I have worth, that I am okay, that I am safe, that everything will be okay. That is harder to believe, that last bit, but I am working on it. I said in my post yesterday that I am on a mission to heal my broken heart. In so doing I am creating fertile ground for a whole new life to grow. I believe this is possible, and that I can finally believe this is huge. With this belief I will move forward a little bit more today, if only a tiny step forward, it is still a step. I am not where I was, in this moment, in the middle of the night. I hope not to be again. I am still afraid, but I will move on from here.
Infinite Compassion: A 365 Day Journey~
Day 1 – Peeling The Layers Of The Heart…
“We must continue to open in the face of tremendous opposition.
No one is encouraging us to open and still we must
peel away the layers of the heart.”
Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche
