Tanner is gone a week now. I was teary this morning but I begin to feel that subtle shift. It is what happens in the first stages of acceptance. I will miss my little boy forever, part of me will never get over losing him, but in accepting that he is gone I begin to be able breathe a little easier, to come back to life myself. And this is necessary. I have two other babies here to take care of, to love, and my children and grandchildren who have worried about me during this devastating time. This morning I cut ranunculus and put them on Tanner’s grave. Soon I will be planting all manner of things there. Tanner loved to be outside and to make his final resting place a thing of beauty is the best tribute I can pay him. I am returning to the garden, I have begun.
And I have company as I plant. Delilah and Pugsley are right with me every time I step out the door. Their bright little spirits accompany me all around the garden, to Tanner’s grave, and back up on the deck. Each day I plant more bulbs, I placed the last seed order for the deck this afternoon, I am making plans…
And the pot garden on the deck is growing…
And every time I step out onto the deck I remember Tanner there with all of us on his last day on earth, on the deck, around the pots, and out into the yard he loved so well, the place he chose to die, where he is buried. Gardening is the best tribute I can pay my darling boy. He would love to have been out there with me, he is with me, there, still…
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
