Can’t sleep

Nights can be scary in the best of times. During the day you can call someone, you can, if you are of a mind, invite someone over, or go see them. I am not much of a goer and doer outside the home but it is a possibility. But as night draws nigh all of the doors to the outside world begin to close. Suddenly you are alone. The walls close in. It is you and your thoughts. And when sleep doesn’t come it is like walking the scary streets of your mind alone with no one and nothing in sight. That’s how I felt last night.

And then there is the issue of the “blue light” coming from computers and t.v. screens and how you are supposed to avoid it, but if you live alone, if you are afraid, if these electronic devices are your only connection to the outside world, what then?

Yesterday after I left therapy and went to Costco to shop I bought a bottle of Melatonin. Geoff, the P.A. who manages my meds, gave me the okay to try some but he didn’t know how much to tell me to take. He said some people do okay on very little and some need much more. At a recent keto gathering the nurse who worked with Dr. Atkins for decades recommended 5 mg. of melatonin to help regulate sleep. I got a bottle of 5 mg dissolvable tablets. I took one at 11:30, nothing. I took another one at 1, nothing. Finally I took one at 3 and had no results at all. I woke up every hour on the hour all night long. I was afraid to take more. Today I am wrung out. In the night, unable to sleep, I just want my Tanner back. Of course that’s not possible. And then I get terrified something will happen to my other babies. And then everything under the sun looms large and frightens me. By 8 I felt hopeless and exhausted. I finally rested a bit between 8 and 10 holding on to Pugsley and Delilah. Finally we got up. I have been moving through the hours as if being dragged from the back of a car. Everything hurts.

Finally I just don’t know what to say here. I’m sure you are all getting tired of hearing about me going through the grieving process, but what else am I supposed to do? This time last week Tanner was still here and they were joyful days because Aaron, Stephanie and the baby were here. I am, now, as if railing at life, bumping up against tables and walls and things like a ball cast onto a bumper pool table. I have plants and bulbs that came and need to be planted out of the box on the kitchen counter but I just can’t do it. It is all too much. There are too many feelings and too few words. I am writing what I can here as a record. I know, in the end, I will make it through this, I have been through it before. But while every loss is heartbreaking when it happens some losses are harder in the way that they happened. Tanner was the baby, he seemed to be in good health, and then, suddenly, and unexpectedly, he was gone.

It is only 3:30 in the afternoon and I am already dreading the night ahead. It almost seems easier to stay up all night than to try and not be able to sleep. I spent hours on amazon looking at all different forms of melatonin (There are too many different forms and dosages and I finally just gave up.) My dear daughter-in-law Stephanie wants me to try CBD oil but I am afraid of that, I don’t understand it, and it’s expensive, too expensive for me. Her mother used to take Ambien I think it was and now sleeps really well using a few drops of CBD oil at night. People rave about it. It is a whole new world but I am older now and these things are beyond my ken.

I wish I could say something of value, I wish I didn’t feel so useless and hopeless as each word goes down here but so I do. I am going to stop here, and you have my most sincere apologies. Grief takes time, it’s hard to even be here now, but I made a commitment over 200 days ago to do this and I won’t stop now. Forgive me for my feeble effort. It’s the best I can do right now.