The Experiment: Day 65 ~ Today I Am Lost, And I Am Searching…

I haven’t had one of these days in awhile. I feel lost, a little bit frightened, I’m not sure what to do now, or next, or how to move from day to day. It’s as though my North Star has vanished from the sky. I am going to have to take the advice I’ve been giving to my dear one who is lost right now in a sea of pain and uncertainty, I am going to have to do the next right thing. But what is that, for me?

In the past on the days when I was very very lost the next right thing might just be to get up out of this chair and take the dogs out. A huge next right thing and something I have had trouble making myself do is to take a shower. Well, I just got the dogs out and gave them a treat. And awhile ago I took a shower. That is something, that is something big for me.

And this blog post, I am getting it done, I wasn’t sure if or how I could but I’m here, I’m doing it, that’s another thing.

These are the kinds of days — and I haven’t had one in a long time — that I feel as though I am losing my footing, losing my grip, and I feel like I will tumble backwards to 6 months ago when things were so bad the mobile crisis unit had to be called. Those were very dark days, this is not like that, but to have a day as hard as this one feels frightens me because I don’t want to go back, ever, I don’t want to wake up and find out it’s all been a dream, these last two months of feeling so good. I don’t think that is the case at all but it’s all so new to me that I feel like a baby horse just up on his wobbly legs and finally gaining confidence and trotting all around the field with pride, so that to all of a sudden fall again is unnerving. In this moment I am filled with fear. I absolutely do not want to believe, or even think for a moment, that these last two months have been a rare occurrence and living with anxiety, depression, and fear all the time is the norm.

I can’t let myself go there. I won’t.

If you are a person who has had hard times in your life and then made lots of changes and were able to come to a place where the good days lasted, can you tell me about that? It would help me so much.

I am truly sorry to not be celebrating happiness and joy and the holidays and all the good things that I know are there. I will probably wake up tomorrow and feel much better. I am lost today, and I am searching. I hope, very soon, to find my way again…

 


The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: 
Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda

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Comments

  1. One thing I am wondering Maitri is whether some of what you are feeling is actually your suffering loved one’s feelings. Over the years I have gone through very difficult times when each of my boys was suffering from anxiety and depression. If I allowed myself to be swallowed into the vortex of their feelings it was very difficult to extract myself. Learning to ask myself whether what I was feeling was mine or theirs helped me to make the distinction. Then I could support myself and them using tools like Reiki in addition to talking support or just being with them as well as the day to day practical things. I guess I’m talking about energetic boundaries here, and hope this makes some sense to you. <3

    • Thank you Joan, I’m sure you’re right, someone said to me — and I don’t know if I already said this to you or not so pardon me if I’m repeating myself — that we’re only as happy as our most unhappy child, referring to how we are always mothers, no matter how old we are or they are, and seeing them suffer is hard, and this is a really bad thing and there’s no quick fix, and it’s so much worse that it’s all happening over the holidays. We are all, right now, taking things one day at a time, that’s all we can do, and being there for her each day is what I am doing and will do. I am feeling a little better this evening, she spent the evening with me and we watched a cute movie. We may go to a movie out tomorrow, something I rarely ever do, but I will be with her wherever and however she needs me. I’m glad I have therapy every week because that helps a lot too. Thank you so much for being there. Your words mean a lot to me…

  2. Dear Maitri, you are not alone in ups and downs. After changing meds I was surprised that I was sad- the meds must not be working! My therapist reminded me there is no magic pill. The object was/is to keep me relatively level and not spiraling. Sometimes there are things to be sad about- memories or present things. It is normal to feel sad at times- but I’m not going down the rabbit hole, so to speak. Dog walking and shower are HUGE!! Joan in her comment may have a good point- sometimes we do pick up the emotions of others. I don’t know if this was helpful- I’m sending positive energy your way!

    • Dear Lorraine, thank you so much honey, and aiyiyi med changes. I went through months of med changes and I got in a really bad way. I started seeing someone else, got on a medication that works for me and the dose was increased each month until we found a good level and then finally — wonder of wonders! — the meds are working and I am SO much better. This was a hard day coming after 2 weeks of a really hard family crisis, and not being able to have Thanksgiving because of it, and there are more holidays ahead. So hard to be going through such a hard time when the holidays come and things can’t be as they were and no one quite knows what to do. One day at a time, that’s all we can do, one day at a time. And so on we go, and tomorrow will be a better day, it has to, I have to be here for my loved one, and I will. Thank you for being here with me. It means so much…

  3. I don’t remember if I told you or not but I have been going to a gym 3times a week since May. As the nights have gotten dark earlier, I have skipped a time or two but now it is getting chillier and colder and I have skipped almost two weeks. In the meantime I have gained a couple of pounds and I am not happy about it. 🙁
    Hoever, I plan to renew my adventure in good health and go 4 times a week to the gym for as long as I can. If it snows or ices over, I am staying home but if it’s only cold, I will force myself to go. Gladly, I will go

  4. Holidays or no holidays, sometimes life is just hard. This too shall pass, breathe!
    You got up. You took care of the pugs. You even had a shower. And you wrote a blog post for us! That’s much! Now rest.
    Sending hugs over the ocean.
    Take good care of yourself!
    Yours Silke

    • Thank you so much Silke, you are so dear…

      Yes, hard days can come at anytime and yesterday was a hard one, but today is a little better and I will just take it easy. I hope you are having a beautiful day there. Do you have snow this time of year? I think you do. I really miss snow.

      And you take good care of yourself too honey. Blessings to you and yours…

      Maitri

  5. Hi Maitri,
    The first thing I want to say is what an amazing woman you are. Your willingness to admit your fear and keep pressing on is awesome. I sure know how scary it can be when we have been at a horrible, low where we can’t even function. Once there, the thought of returning is a nightmare. But you must live just today, right now. Don’t look back, don’t look ahead and project your fears into tomorrow.
    I have followed you for a long time. I have felt your highs and lows along with you. I celebrated Noni and your beautiful friendship. I have identified with the pain related to empathy with the struggles of a child.
    Through it all you keep on moving forward. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for being.
    I hope you can feel my support and love and know you do not struggle alone. You can have a bad day and let it be just that, one bad day. I have learned what I cannot control I must let go and trust the universe to handle. It’s really tough to see your loved ones hurt. But we are not responsible for fixing everything. Let go and believe things will work out for the best. You might as well because you can’t control other people and their choices. For now, look at your successes. Focus on positive, okay, I’ll stop now. Lol…sometimes I do that. I mean well.😙

    • Oh sweet Kate, how kind you are, and this note from you meant so much to me, and to know that there are people out there reading these posts and that they have some meaning for them is just wonderful, and to feel you here with me fills me with a quiet joy because I know I’m not alone.

      And yes I will keep moving forward, always. As my dear friend Jeff always says, “What else is there?” We struggle, we make it through the day, and the next day is so often better. And yes having your loved ones hurting is so hard, but I am here supporting and loving her everyday. We do what we can do, and that’s all we can do.

      You really lifted me up here today. Thank you so much. I am sending you a warm hug and lots of love…

      Maitri

  6. Dear Maitri, I have bad days too and don’t know why. I do believe we all do. It is being human. I so honor you for your vulnerability. I am sure you help others who say to themselves, “it is good to know I am not alone.” You might never hear from them but they are out there.
    Yes I have been in a very dark place and it would scare me to think of going back there. I believe as we grow we have bad days and good ones with eventually the good ones outweighing the bad ones. You are brave and yes, stronger than you realize. You did what you had to today where you could have stayed in bed all day but you didn’t. Give yourself. a hug and accept one from me too with ❤️❤️

    • Thank you so much dear Jean and yes, we all surely have bad days and hard times, but we keep on keeping on and get through it, one day at a time. I hope you are being very gentle with yourself through the holidays, they can be hard, but you will make it through. I’m sending you a big hug and lots of love Jean. All we have to do is “the next right thing” and we will be fine… 🙂

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