I am getting a firm grip on myself and pulling myself right here, to the present moment. It is so hard. My mind all of a sudden started doing this thing this morning, “Exactly two weeks ago today the kids were here helping me in the garden and Tanner was here with us and we were all so happy, he was still here, but two weeks ago tonight he died…” I will be so glad when I get past the ability to easily count the amount of time, “x number of weeks ago he was still here.” Two weeks isn’t very long, his presence is still very much felt here and his absence, as we move through our routines, when we curl up to go to sleep at night and he is not here in his spot, is deeply felt. But it is getting a little easier each day, and I am finding my way, a little bit at a time. I am healing, and I am learning what life without Tanner is.
And it’s all of the other things I have written about in recent days. The feeling that if I don’t have meaningful work to do in the world my life will not have meaning, but if I do any kind of work and make much money at all I could lose the benefits that I do have and I would have a very hard time getting by. I would have to make what would amount to a substantial amount of money to be able to afford to lose my benefits and pay for everything out of pocket. As I wrote about earlier in the week this has me so frozen it leaves me feeling hopeless about how and why to go on in the years ahead. Of course it would help me so much if I could do some work to make much needed extra income (the benefits issue aside) but it is that feeling that a life without doing meaningful work isn’t really much of a life at all. What is the answer? I haven’t a clue.
And then I get hold of myself and say, “Okay, I am in this moment now, Tanner is gone and it’s heartbreaking but he is laid to rest and at peace, the rest of us are doing okay, and, what do I really want? My therapist is going to work with me on the issues around income, benefits, and whatnot, but as she said to me on Wednesday, it is simply not acceptable to give up on your dreams. I don’t know how all of the practical aspects shake out but what I am really looking at, or trying to figure out now, is what it is that lights me up? What are my gifts and talents and how might I use them in a way that makes me feel good about myself? I do not want to turn 64 a week from Monday and feel like my life is over, that if I can’t do something that makes me feel as if my life has meaning I simply don’t have it in me to go on for another who knows how long?
The thing is I am here, now, I am alive, and there have got to be answers. I would really love to hear from any of you who are in this situation. Sadly there are a lot of people out there who are in this situation, people who have so much to give but can’t risk giving it without losing the little bit of help they get to survive in the world. How do we navigate these waters? How can we come to a place of feeling excited about our lives and the possibilities that may be before us? How do we do this?
I am here, this is now, and I am going to find the answers. I am okay, in this moment. For today, for right now, that has to be enough. How might I relax and find a way to live through the days with a greater sense of peace and ease? I don’t have the answer to that right now but it is the answer that I am seeking. I would love to hear from you all about this. Maybe we can find our way together.
It is a beautiful day. My dahlias are planted, and the garden is watered. I have some little bulbs to plant and some seeds. I will spend the next few days doing that. Another weekend is here. I get a little afraid and lost on the weekends but I will make it through. I will just keep showing up. I am here, afterall. For 211 days I have been here. I am proud of this. I will continue on. It is something.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
R ealizing the gift
I nherent in life
G ive yourself a
H eart to heart
T alk
H eaven is here on
E arth
R ealize happiness is ready for you
E very moment
yep, i’m going crazy with acrostics!! but channeling the truth thru them is
sweet
carry on dear, tho the universe gives you riddles. be a zen master and unravel
the koan — one day at a time!
xo
ka
Darling Ka, I am late getting here to answer. I was talking to my dear friend Bekah last night until close to 11 and today Maurice came as I got my coffee made. He is working outside now.
I love your acrostics and I know you are having fun with them, but what really got through to me was that last line… “tho the universe gives you riddles, be a zen master and unravel the koan…” Yes, koan indeed. That gives me a new way to look at things. Thank you for the fresh perspective.
I love you honey, I’m sending you a warm gentle hug. Enjoy your garden and thank you again for contributing to mine…
M. xoxox
This is a juicy topic that I resonate with quite a bit!
Give me some time this weekend to dive in, and I’ll send you an email with my thoughts and experiences. I don’t want to hijack this thread!
Hey Victoria, you never answered the last long e-mail I sent you in response to an email you sent me! I’m afraid to answer again and be lost! I’d love to hear what you have to say and feel free to answer here because it might help someone else. Email is fine too but I don’t want to answer if you won’t get it! 🙂
Yes it is a juicy one for me too. I think it is so unfair that people can be penalized for trying to be better and take away their support. I hope your therapist can help you with this.
You are very close to your birthday too as am I. Do you ever notice that you get into some funky moods/feelings during this time? I think it’s because we are at the end of a cycle and haven’t started on our new one yet. What do you think?
I would love to hear other’s experiences and thoughts too.
Love to you Maitri and your courage and bravery. Maybe this is all we are to do – be real, share, grow your plants, be your sweet self and maybe help a few people here and there. Does it have to be big? I don’t know either. xxoo
Ah Jean, so much to ponder in your kind comment…
As to birthdays… you know I have never dreaded birthdays as some people do regarding getting older, but what I am finding now — and your perspective is very interesting, I will be thinking about that now — is that it is getting another year older without having things in place that I thought I would by now, productive work in the world, perhaps even someone to love, is very hard. Many’s the day (or night) I feel very sad to be so alone, as I’ve said I’d love to have a hand to hold, but at the same time, honestly, I find myself thinking “What in the world would I DO with someone in my life?” The routines that I have in place help me get through the days, my life with my dogs is crucial to my well-being, they sleep with me, are always at my side. How to fit another person in? I think the older we get, the more set in our ways that we are, the harder it is to incorporate another person into our lives. Especially if we have been alone for a long time. I have been living alone almost 20 years now.
And the whole business of being penalized and losing the few benefits that I have — not a lot compared to what some people get but very much needed and appreciated — is so scary I just don’t know what to do. Must we do something big? No, I wouldn’t even be able to, but it wouldn’t take a lot to be too much in this situation. I’m not sure what the numbers are, I need to find out but I’m afraid to even ask. I don’t want to bring myself unwanted attention and come under scrutiny and risk losing something I badly need. It makes me afraid to make a move.
I will continue to do this blog, and yes, I will work in my garden, love my sweet babies, and go day to day trying to figure out the larger issues. Some days it feels insurmountable. If what I write here helps someone I am deeply blessed. Perhaps, for now, that will have to be enough…
I wish I could give you the answers, I don’t have them either. People have spent lifetimes trying to unravel the meaning of life, books have been written about it, I’m thinking of Viktor Frankl’s great work, “Man’s Search For Meaning”. Ultimately the meaning of life isn’t connected to making money, so maybe it would help to completely separate those two things in your mind. Your life as it is right now with your family and your pugs and wild birds, your writing and your gardening has enormous meaning, it’s just that you feel there must be something more so you’re not at peace. 211 blog posts is huge! What an achievement! Hugs and love. xxx
Thank you so much dear Jenny, yes, it is complicated and deep. The existential questions that so many poets and philosophers have pondered through time. One wants to have a life of purpose and meaning, but also there is the desire to have a more secure financial future which gets scarier as the years go along, and when these two things are at odds one feels at a loss. I don’t know what the answer is.
Of course as you say there is much in my life that is deeply meaningful, that brings me joy. My precious children and grandchildren, my sweet pugs, the garden, my writing here, I don’t for one moment discount any of those things, but I have spent my whole adult life writing and planning books and now that I am ready to write and publish them I can’t for fear of losing my benefits and it saddens me, freezes me up. It’s how I planned to spend the later years of my life and without the ability to do that I feel lost.
But yes, 211 posts (on a blog that is 10 1/2 years old, there is so much here on this blog in the archives) is something to be proud of, and I am. For now I will keep on writing here. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe an answer will come that I can’t yet see. That is what I am praying for.
Thank you for being here with me on this journey Jenny. Hugs and love to you too…