“For there is nothing quite so terror-inducing as the loss of sleep. It creates phantoms and doubts, causes one to question one’s own abilities and judgment, and, over time, dismantles, from within, the body.”
Charlie Huston
Sleepless
First of all many gracious thanks to those of you who took time to write to me after yesterday’s post. This is a huge issue for me right now, and I think for many others, so I appreciate you taking time. Next, I hadn’t intended to write another post today about sleep issues but I had a doozie of a night last night. Fortunately I had therapy today and my therapist helped me outline a sleep plan.
First of all I wanted to report about my night and how it went because though it was an extraordinarily hard night I did manage to move through it as I wrote in last night’s post that I had hoped to. Not panicking when sleep didn’t come easily, and meeting each hour as it came as best I could. Thank God I didn’t realize, at the outset, just how bad it would get.
My routine now, almost every night, is to start watching the news programs I like at 9 here at my desk on MSNBC. (Rachel Maddow is at 9.) I have to watch on my phone because I no longer have t.v. but this works out really well. I turn the phone sideways and prop it up and on my iPhone 7+ which has a big screen I get a nice sized image. I kind of half listen and work along here. Then the 10:00 program comes on (With Lawrence O’Donnell), I like it too though Rachel Maddow is my favorite! By about 20 to 11 I go brush my teeth and so on and then take the dogs out to the potty. By 11 p.m. I am in my chair with the pugs to watch the last program of the night, “The 11th Hour,” with Brian Williams. Once I’ve watched Rachel there really isn’t any new news on the other shows but it is the time of the night when I am tired, not quite ready for sleep, and need the company. By 11 I am too tired to read a book, I just need to kind of watch, or listen, and might doze a little. As I said last night I know we are supposed to shut off all technology earlier in the evening because it affects our sleep but, as I explained, while that is all well and good when you live alone and nights get hard and a little scary technology gets you through the night.
Now comes the edge of night, when I am going to try to turn off the news, turn out the light, and go to sleep. Oh, if only it were that simple. I can be falling asleep with that last news show, my head nodding, my eyes closing, but as soon as I turn it off, BING!, my eyes are open. What is that bridge between the end of the night and the beginning of sleep? Why is it so hard?
I did everything. For the next few hours, everything. I took the homeopathic remedy twice, hours apart. (You can take it every four hours. It was at least 4.) I rubbed magnesium oil on my legs and I had taken magnesium by mouth. I rubbed lavender oil all over my upper body after having heated up my neck and shoulder wrap 2 different times with lavender oil on it too. It felt good, it was soothing, but no sleep. The hours went on.
Now, if I’d had any idea the night would go on like this I would have taken the medication that helps me sleep at the outset but by 3 a.m. that window had closed. Taking it that late would have meant that if it got me to sleep, which would take awhile, it would be very hard to get up and moving at a reasonable hour and I had therapy today so didn’t want to risk it. Later I wished I had.
I listened to an audio book for an hour. Usually listening to an audio book will put me to sleep and any more I don’t like to risk it because if it’s a book I really want to hear I will miss a lot of it and have to start over when I am awake. After an hour, with sleep nowhere in sight, I got up, heated up my neck wrap again, used more lavender, and switched to the calming app on my phone that has ambient sounds. What I have put together is a simple soft melody with a waterfall sound. Very soothing. You can set a timer for any amount of time and it will turn the app off when the time runs out. I set it for an hour. Then I set it for another hour. 4 a.m., 5 a.m., 6 a.m., by now I would have done anything to be able to go to sleep. At around 7 a.m. I finally did but I slept fitfully, in 45 minute stretches or so having unsettling, fragmented dreams. At just past 10:30 I got up, wrung out. It was the worst night I ever remember having, at least in many years. Thank God I had therapy today.
We talked for a long time about the fact that now off all psych meds, and trying not to use the sleeping medication, I have had a terrible time and it has only gotten worse. We all need sleep, it is not good at all for us not to get good sleep, and last night was a virtual “nightmare.” But it is especially bad for someone who is bipolar not to get good sleep. And as I am no longer on medication, and needing to be vigilant about self care, getting a good night’s sleep is just about the most important thing for me to do. I cannot go through another night like last night again.
Helene (My therapist) helped me outline a bedtime routine and knowing that I hope not to have to use medication unless I need to said I could try the natural remedies for the first hour or so. Sometimes they do work. But if between 12:30 and 1:00 I have not gone to sleep I am to take the medication. It will help me sleep. I have no choice. She said it is far better for me to take the medication and sleep than not to take it simply because I want not to. I have been on this medication for so many years she said that likely my body isn’t used to being able to orient itself toward sleep. And perhaps with a couple of weeks or so of using it and getting good sleep in I can gradually cut the dose in half and then see if I can go off of it. That is the plan, and she will be working with me on this.
Last night was excruciating. I stayed calm, I did all the things, but nothing worked and I cannot go through that again. Tonight I will be taking the medication at the outset. I need to be able to go to sleep.
I would still like to hear from you all. Do you have sleep issues? What works for you? What helps you go to sleep, or get back to sleep if you wake up in the middle of the night? I do want to be able to try after I get things sorted out to go to sleep without medication. It is not possible for me now, but it is a goal. And as always I am not out here doing this on my own, I have close supervision. Helene told me to call her if I need to, and the P.A. who manages my meds is also only a phone call away.
In a few hours night will have fallen, and I will be approaching the sleeping hour again. I’m a little afraid, but tonight I have a plan. I hope to avoid the phantoms and the doubts. I don’t want to go there again…
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
one of the issues is anticipatory anxiety. once you start having sleep problems (once anybody does) we start to worry, oh no, it’s going to be another bad night. this anxiety really is stressful. i go thru cycles where i have a hard time falling asleep, whereas tom hits the pillow and wam, he’s gone. cycles where i turn this way and that, turn myself around to face the other direction, go into the other room and sleep on the couch, etc etc. then, this cycle seems to end, and i have no problems sleeping. i think there are psychic shifts in each of us, that interrupt our sleep patterns. luckily, in my case, they don’t last more than a week or so. but i totally get how frustrating and nervewracking it is not to be able to sleep. i often prefer sleeping on top of my bed with just a quilt over me, rather than getting under the sheets and blanket. i don’t know why that helps me. we each have to experiment, obviously. i also take afternoon naps after a hard night, and i find i have ZERO trouble napping. sometimes i tell myself when i’m going to sleep at night, katya, you’re just napping, no problem!!!
dear woman, i hope the sandman comes to you tonight with clouds of forgetfulness and bliss!!!
xo
ka
Ah Katya… one of the things I have suffered most greatly from in my life on several levels is anticipatory anxiety. Of course you are right. I hadn’t thought about it in these terms. I am more relaxed now as I approach this time because I know I am going to take the medication and I know it will help me sleep. I have so been fighting taking it and I suffered terribly last night when I could have slept. I think last night was a lesson for me. As I said my therapist said it’s wonderful that I am off all the psych meds but if I don’t take the medication to help me sleep and don’t sleep I am liable to get into trouble. It’s hard for anyone but when you have a mental illness you have suffered and struggled with for decades it can be debilitating if you don’t get enough sleep. It is not, I am learning, some badge of honor to “be off meds” though I surely hope never to go back on the psych meds. But I’ve got to sleep and I am on a very low, mild dose of this drug and have taken it for a long time with no side effects so why not if it helps?
And isn’t it strange about naps? I have no trouble napping either. I wonder why it’s so much easier than sleeping at night.
Thank you dearheart, forgetfulness and bliss sounds divine!
Love you honey…
M. xoxox
P.S. I have been listening to an audio recording — 11 hours worth — of the collected talks/programs of Wayne Dyer, so wonderful, and he mentions an OLD movie that he absolutely loved called “The Barretts of Wimpole Street.” It was made in 1934 and is the love story of Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Robert Browning. He says it is absolutely wonderful. I don’t don’t know if you have Amazon Prime and can see their videos, I just put it in my queue there, you can probably rent it elsewhere. Here’s a place you can read about it. I think I could use something like this right now… http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0024865/
Good about taking your medication! I sure would. I will if I need it and yes I needed to cut back too of the xanix. I had terrible anticipatory anxiety too. It sucks so bad. But now that you can give yourself permission hopefully you can relax and sleep deeply.
I don’t know where to look for that app you were talking about that helps you. When you have the time would you either post it here or PM me with it? I would so appreciate finding new ways to go back to sleep.
Nighty night sweet lady <3
Hi Jean honey, yes, medication can be a godsend and if you can’t sleep the lack of sleep can do damage. I’m glad to have it.
The app is on my iPhone. I don’t know if you have an iPhone, if not I know there are similar apps for Android but I wouldn’t know what those might be. This one, which I got through the Apple App store is called “Relax Melodies.” It is a free app. You can buy a Pro version but you wouldn’t need to because you get a TON of ambient sounds you can combine any way you want to for free. I used to have a Samsung tablet after the fire and I used an ambient sounds app to help me go to sleep. I don’t know what I would have done without it.
BTW in therapy today my therapist recommended that I try using the Binaural Beats for sleep. I have used them for anxiety before, you can find tons of them on YouTube. Some I did not like at all but some are really helpful. Most people recommend listening to them with headphones on but Helene said I didn’t need to. It works with your brain waves. You can read about them online.
Good luck honey. I hope you sleep well tonight…
Thank you so much Maitri, I have an ipad so I am sure I can get the app. I have used Binaural Beats before and like you, some are good others I don’t like. Nice to know they work even if not listening on a headset.
I fell asleep in my chair for an hour, then went to bed and slept almost 5 hours!!! I don’t know why but goodness what a miracle. I hope you slept better too.
Love, Jean
Good morning sweet Jean…
I’m so glad to hear that you slept well, I did too! Of course there is the other side, that I feel kind of groggy and not as awake and clear as I’d like to in the morning which is why I don’t like to have the medication but after the awful night before it was a blessed relief.
And the binaural beats are interesting. Some feel kind of soothing and others, to me, felt downright disturbing. But there are JILLIONS of them out there and it make take a bit of research but you can usually find one that works. Helene specializes in brain work and knows a lot about brain related things and really highly recommends them. Nice to at least have another tool in the tool basket!
I’m going to sit here and sip my coffee and try to feel human! But it sure was good being able to sleep last night…
I will sing for you…….and I have to tell you I share your burden of non-Sleep here it is 12:26 A.M and I am still awake. Usually I take my Apple Cider Vinegar, honey and lemon Juice and it helps me so much with leg cramps. So tonight I have no leg cramps or as we call it restless leg syndrome…….Not fun but this works miracles for me for leg cramps……but sleep well it’s one of those nights for me. I do hope Maitri, you are fast asleep and I am going to go back and listen to Relax Melodies again….
Lullaby and good night
Now the daytime is over
Time to slip up to your dreamland
I will keep you safe and warm
Lullaby and good night
There is nothing to fear
Lullaby and good night
When you wake I’ll be near
Lullaby and good night
There is nothing to fear
Lullaby and good night
When you wake I’ll be near
Hugs from your California Friend……..
Oh Jim, how sweet, thank you for the lovely song. I hope you were able to get to sleep and sleep well.
And yes, I don’t do honey since I don’t do sugar anymore but I do put ACV/Lemon juice and a few drops of stevia. I usually take it twice a day but for some reason have fallen off the last few days. And I usually have it when I get up and before dinner. I try not to drink too much later in the evening because I have to get up in the night and go potty but if it helps you with the restless legs I’ll give it a try.
It’s so good to see you here honey, I hope you have a lovely day… 🙂
I can’t give you any advice about medication, I don’t take any. Helene’s plan for you sounds very good. Here’s what I do if I can’t sleep… If there’s something troubling me and keeping me awake, I get up and write it down to get it out of my mind. That can often help. This is going to sound weird but I find that if I lie on my left side, thoughts can keep whizzing round in my head and sometimes keep me awake. But if I lie on my right side, I tend to drift away into a calm space, no whizzing thoughts, I go to sleep much more easily. Have you thought about saying the rosary or chanting a mantra (quietly to yourself, or silently inside your head). Whatever suits you best, Deva Premal and Miten have some beautiful mantras. If I do that when I can’t sleep, I feel at least I’m sending some love and peace into the world. Or maybe you could try a zen approach and simply observe your wakefulness without getting too caught up in it. Or follow your breath, watch your breathing calm and slow down as you become drowsy and fall asleep. I hope your sleep problems ease soon dear Maitri. Remember this may just be a phase you’re going through, it won’t necessarily last forever. Everything changes… Sending you sweet dreams and so much love! xxx
Good morning dear Jenny,
Thank you so much for your suggestions, and yes, I think having a notebook or journal and pen nearby can help, and all of your other suggestions are good too. My mother, a very devout Catholic, led the congregation in the rosary for years before she died, and said many rosaries throughout the day. The rosary is a lovely thing. I have both a rosary and malas here so that is an excellent suggestion. I think the peace and beauty of the practice + diverting a restless mind could be very soothing.
I do think that while sleep problems will wax and wane as we grow older that this is part of this phase, as you say, that I am going through since going off meds, and too, Helene made a good point when she said that I have taken the Trazadone for so many years that my body’s natural way of going to sleep has been diverted because of the reliance on medication. It will be a process to find my way off medication, but nice to know that I can take it if I need to and it helps so much. Last night I slept well, a blessed relief after being awake until 7 a.m. the night before. Yet another part of the journey. This, too, shall pass…
Have a beautiful day honey…