The Experiment: Day 169 ~ Start From Where You’re Standing…

“Four years ago, it looked like we would have to leave this place we love so much. We were broke. My last book hadn’t sold. The galleries weren’t interested in Nancy’s paintings. It’s hard to find work in this territory. What to do? We were standing in the arroyo — a dry wash that briefly turns into a river after the rains — wondering how we could possibly come up with the money to survive here. Then we remembered a neighbor couple telling us that they’d been in the same predicament seven years before — broke, longing to stay in our village. They remembered what a wise woman had told them: If you don’t know how to make a living, pay closer attention to where you are right now. Then start from where you’re standing.”

Pierre Delattre
EPISODES:
Allen Ginsberg, Charles De Gaulle,
Richard Brautigan, And The Dalai Lama
Meet In The Pages Of This Wild And Magical
Zen Distillation Of Bohemian Life.

First of all, before I begin, I want to share that my new YouTube video is up today. This one addresses life after going off psych meds, what it means, what I’m doing, and hopefully will allay the fears of those who have been watching me here having hard days and who have perhaps worried about me. And please share this video with anyone you think might be interested and helped by it, and as always if you “Like” the video, and subscribe to my wee fledgling channel, it will help me enormously to help others which is what I want so much to do.

To today’s topic and the quote above… I have been carrying this quote around in my heart and head for days now after having perused my book shelves to find books that I have long loved and read to see what wisdom they have for me now. I was delighted to find Delattre’s book because I really loved it years ago when I read it and haven’t been able to find it in some time. I lost so many books in the fire I figured it was just gone. Upon finding it I sat for 2 or 3 hours reading through it, especially all of the passages I had marked before. It’s always an interesting thing to me to see what we may have underlined on previous readings. There are books that I have read several times and I always put a date in the front cover when I read a book again, and as I read it anew I am always surprised and filled with wonder, “Why did I underline that?” (Because it seems to have no relevance now.) Or “Why didn’t I underline that?” (Because it now seems hugely important.) We can tell a lot about who we were and where we are by rereading a book and seeing what once mattered so much to us.

In paging through Delattre’s book there were so many quotes I loved that I might have shared that I had a hard time choosing but the quote above that I did share is so relevant for me now I had to go with it. You have all been watching me struggle with what to do with my work. Patreon? A Women’s Community? Mentoring? They all felt like possibilities but in the end weren’t right for me now. The only one that I think will be is Patreon but I have to very carefully figure out how to do it in a way that is meaningful for my work now and hopefully will be something of value to others. And that is all so vague. I actually wrote a whole blog post about it Wednesday morning before therapy and then sat and looked at it thinking, “Oh Lord, not that again.” I’m quite sure everyone is tired of hearing about it and I am tired of talking about it, projecting what it is that I might do. One day I will just be doing it. It will be together and up and then I will announce it. Until then it is boring, like beating a dead horse, and I haven’t yet gotten to the meat of the matter, and that brings me exactly to the quote above.

The problem is that I have been projecting outward, forward, beyond where I am in this moment. The wise woman says, “If you don’t know how to make a living, pay closer attention to where you are right now. Then start from where you’re standing.” I have been trying to start from a mile down the road. I’m not there yet! Where am I? This is the question now, and I’m not even going to go into it here because it is something that feels very private right now. To talk about it here now seems to be leaving the door open for scrutiny and other’s opinions. I cannot form this work I am doing because others think I should (or shouldn’t). It must be so close to the bone so as to be a part of who I am in this moment. Then it will be alive, it will have vitality, it will be relevant. I’m not there yet.

Without making any plans or suggesting what it is that I might do I am simply going to make a list of things that are right here, right now, where I’m standing. It doesn’t matter how small or irrelevant they might seem because really, in the end, nothing is irrelevant, everything, every little thing, has a place and meaning in our lives, and while these things may or may not have anything to do with what we end up doing, they may be part of what helps get us there. In doing this I invite you to do this same exercise in your life. What is there, where you are standing, right now?

* Notebook and pen

* This morning’s coffee cup with almost half the cup left because I seem not to be able to consume as much caffeine any more now that my diet has gotten so clean.

* My keto lunch, keto coleslaw topped with bean sprouts and some of last night’s pork. I ate a little and was full.

* Piles of books all around me. Delattre’s Episodes; several of May Sarton’s books; Colette’s last book, The Blue Lantern; 2 books edited by Sandra Haldeman Martz, When I’m An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple and If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Pick More Daisies; SARK’s Prosperity Pie; On Women Turning 60 by Cathleen Rountree; and many more, too numerous to list. I scoured my bookshelves and came back to my work table twice with armfuls of books. These are treasures. There is so much wisdom here.

* Of course sleeping around me are my 3 darling pugs, my dear loves, my mainstays, without which nothing would get done or matter. I smile while I am writing this because their soft little snores delight me so.

* My new tripod that will go up to 50″ and will hold my iPhone to do videos with and it’s tiny hand-held device to start and stop recording via BlueTooth, a marvel to me. I got this tripod setup for $15 and it has made doing videos, which I believe will be a central part of the work to come, world’s easier.

* So many jars of pens, markers, colored and regular pencils, and paint brushes, too many to count. One whole area of my work table is covered with mugs full of all of these writing and mark making tools.

* My many bottles of vitamins and essential oils now replacing the bottles of meds I once took daily

* My purple Passion Planner which I am learning to use to create a new life, and my Moleskine weekly journal in which I record my weight daily and make little notes about my keto journey.

* A copy of my vision board which is also the background on my desktop computer which is here in front of me and where most of my life takes place.

* My stuffy Lolly that Noni gave me last week and a couple of candles which I am just now beginning to be able to burn again. I couldn’t bear so much as a single candle’s flame after the fire.

* The wild birds and squirrels at the feeders, the view out my many studio windows to my woods, 2 rolling carts filled with painting supplies that I have barely touched in 2 years and feel afraid of but long to use again, maybe, someday.

And so much more…

What will rise up out of all of these things that are here, where I stand, today? Where will they lead me? What ideas might they spark? And what might the seeds be here, in all of this, to plant the garden I will one day grow, and what kind of garden will it be? I’ve no idea how soon the answer will come, for now I will continue on with my daily blog posts, my weekly videos, and taking care of my health, physical and mental, and I will be open to amazement and delight as it all unfolds.

Where are you standing dear one? What is on your list? If you’d like to share with me in the comments I’d love to hear. Not to make any judgments or suggestions, just to picture you in your world, which is parallel to mine. We are all in this together.

As I stop here there are scores of wild birds at the feeders — they seem to come in multitudes at the end of the day — and the darling downy woodpecker is eating greedily at the long, tall feeder. The air is red with too many cardinals to count. There are so many wonders in each day here where I stand. I am on the verge of something and I am in no hurry, now, for it to happen. I am simply going to sit here and watch it all unfold…

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda