Work in process
I got stuck, really stuck. And then I got scared. Maybe I can’t do this. And then I realized I waited too long. I need to at least sketch a small pencil sketch in my journal every day to keep things moving. They don’t have to be great drawings but I have to do it, to keep the wheels greased, so as not to lose confidence. I lost confidence. I kept putting it off. Finally you just have to start. Anywhere.
I finished the painting of the little girl on skates and it had taken me days and I needed a break. I took too long a break. I kind of did this and that, did some sewing, and then got side-tracked with technical issues on the blog which drove me crazy for days but finally got worked out yesterday with a new update for the theme plug-in which seemed to correct the problem that the last update caused a week and a half ago. I was so relieved it was fixed. Now I don’t need a new theme.
Last night I didn’t sleep well, and then we had to be up at 7 because today was Molly’s “spa day” at the vet and we had to be there by 7:30. I got her there, came home, made coffee, and then sat down here as if I were in a trance. I was just so tired. I made all kind of notes about things to draw, stories I wanted to tell through the pictures, but I just couldn’t get drawing.
After I picked Molly up from the vet I brought her home, walked her, brought her in and gave her her treats, and then moved all my things in by our big chair. Laptop, big board for my drawing pad, pencils, eraser, I got everything so I could just sit there and draw. Instead I watched the last half of the documentary I’d been watching last night but fell asleep through the last half of it. I thought about drawing, I picked up my pencil, put it down, turned off the light, put my black silk sleep mask on and went to sleep snuggled up with Molly. I was tired, my whole system switched off, and I did not wake up until almost 6 p.m. These days happen but I was feeling so resistent, so scared. “It’s been fun but I don’t think I can do it anymore.” Then I remembered the necklace.
I have the cutest necklace I bought from an etsy seller years ago. It is a little painting with a sassy looking woman on it. The caption reads, “She didn’t know what she could do until she got off her ass and did it.” There it was. I just needed to get off my ass and do it!
After I got Molly and I our dinner we came back into the studio. I knew what I wanted to draw, it had been humming around in my head for days. I pulled a sheet of watercolor paper off the pad and sat here with my pencil in my hand. I didn’t know how to start, I was afraid to start, but finally, after a few minutes, I just started. I got the above done this evening and will do the background tomorrow. But it’s a start. I am so relieved I can’t begin to tell you. And it’s just what I wanted to draw, it was there all along, I just had to begin.
What I want to say to you tonight is Don’t Give Up, Ever! You will lose your confidence, you will get afraid, you will think that the fact that you ever did anything at all (writing, drawing, etc.) was simply a fluke and you will never be able to do it again. That’s just fear trying to steal your joy, that’s just laziness. Like the lady said, just get off your ass and do it. And I did.
Back to the drawing board…
Maitri, I’ve been doing a daily post on one of my blog sites since summer, thanks to your inspiraton. This evening wa a streach- I felt like I had notthing interesting to write sbout, but rhoughts came. So, a post went up!
Lisa good for you! And your posts are always so lovely. You have so much to say and share. I’m cheering for you, keep up the good work! 🙂
Oh, I just love this, Maitri! I’ve been silent lately because I’m spending time with a friend in end-stage MS and going through testing to become a kidney donor. Lots more happening, all complicated, but I’m sending you big hugs. You are so incredibly talented and beautiful!
Thank you so much my darling Cathryn, and oh gracious I am so terribly sorry for your friend and bless you for helping her. And goodness! A kidney donor. You DO have a lot on your plate. Please know that you and your friend are in my heart and prayers. God bless you on this journey. Take care and let me know how you are doing…
i think every artist/writer goes thru the feeling “sure, i did some good things, but those days are over. I’m dried up. The Muse has deserted me,” etc. Some writers (Anne Sexton, Virginia Woolf who knows how many more) committed suicide because of it. Maybe it’s inherent in the creative brain to occasionally detour. Maybe it’s an important pause, not just procrastination, laziness, or fear. Maybe the unconscious mysterious part of our being needs to dwell in inactivity for a while, to build the momentum again. All i know is that this new drawing is delicious, sassy (as most of Maisie’s pretty much are), with her flowery garments hung, her hair crazy as always, and Daisy jumping in joy pretending she can hang clothes too.
Doubt is OK, it’s human. But once your pencil and brushes get moving, you are a natural born (and educated) Creative (using that as a noun). You will never be stopped, Maitri, because you have a potent urge to express: words, images, fabric, graphics, all the amazing things that come out of you.
All of your readers applaud when you leap from fear to positivity. And we support you in those times when you honestly need to rest up. From the many trials put before you…
love and hugs
xo
ka
Thank you so much sweet Ka, and yes, I completely understand and agree with all you said but I do think, I really do, that sometimes we just have to “get off our ass and do it.” It takes all of it, it is all part of the process.
One thing I don’t know if people will notice is that the pinafore and dress on the line are the exact ones Maisie wore in another picture. (You can by the way see all of the pictures easily if you go to my Instagram feed without scrolling back through all the posts. It’s at https://www.instagram.com/maitrilibellule/). I am loving this little picture and yes Daisy has a clothespin in her little mouth, trying to “help.” 😀
Onward and upward! How is your poetry book coming?
Big love, always…
M. xoxox
Dear Maitri,
I am so glad for this post. You are an inspiration and yes, those doubts can stop us. It did me when I was writing and got a lot of rejections and didn’t know why. I stopped and lost interest. No I don’t want to go back there, it was 40 years ago. But I have asked myself “what if”. I’m glad you continued.
Thank you dear Jean. In the end when the work gets done it is more joyful for knowing that we did it in spite of fear, loss of confidence, etc. We just DO it. It is a journey…
Oh, Maitri, reading you is always as refreshing to me as drinking a glass of cold water would be to a thirsty person. Thank you for your honest words. Hugs, Memarge
Thank you so much Marge honey, you are very kind. I am deeply touched that it meant something to you, that really lifts my spirits. Bless you honey…