So many losses, too many losses, and now I have lost my soulmate. I have shorn my hair in grief…

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I feel, in light of recent tragic circumstances, the need to say, first of all, that I am not suicidal. That is not an option, though my grief and despair cut so deep now my life is unalterably changed. I know it will ease with time, but I also know that what I say is true.

On February 5 my beloved Dragonfly Cottage burned down. I stood across the street having to be held back by the policeman as I wailed in grief, and screamed hysterically begging them to save my 4 sweet parrots that I had hand-raised and had for 20 years but they died in the fire that night. I have recently found out that while the insurance company will do a good job of rebuilding my house I am getting very little money to rebuild my life inside that house, and I am so afraid about money right now I have barely been able to breathe or sleep. But the worst blow came yesterday. My beloved heart-pug, Sampson, the one out of the 10 pugs that I have adopted that was truly my soul mate, crossed over in my arms yesterday at the vet as I sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow to him, kissing him and kissing him long after he had passed, clutching him to my heart like a human baby, and so devastated after it was all over it was as though the last bit of fight that I had in me left my body. I was his and he was mine. He was my Velveteen Rabbit and I was his. And now he is gone. And so is the last vestige of me that might ever have had a life in the outside world.

I left the world more than a decade ago to live a life of silence and solitude. An anchorite. That is who I am in my deepest heart. I have had small forays out into the world but I no longer have any desire to go there except the very rare occurrence when my animals or I need medical care. When I return to Dragonfly Cottage in 5 weeks I will close the doors behind me. My animals, my garden, and my work helping others from my place of solitude and silence will be my world. Right now every breath hurts.

I have had animal companions my whole life long and been involved in all manner of animal rescue since very young. I have adopted more dogs than I can count and for many years I ran a non-profit shelter for disabled and unwanted parrots that I started. I still had 5 of them with me until the night of February 5 when 4 of them died in the fire. But none, no animal that has ever come into my life, though I have loved, and do love, them dearly, have become the powerful soul connection that Sampson was.

I got a call one day from the pug rescue that I have been involved with with for a number of years now, Mid-Atlantic Pug Rescue. There was a pitiful little boy that had come into the rescue out of terribly heartbreaking neglect and abuse. They had gotten him in good enough shape to be adopted but though he was adopted they quickly returned him saying that he was too needy. The then head of the rescue called me and asked me if I would consider taking him. I had adopted from them before and had long experience with animal rescue. I took one look at this wee boy and fell in love with his sad little picture and said Yes, bring him to me. His name was Sampson. It was September 2007 and he would be the 2nd of 10 pugs I would adopt. Here is what he looked like when he came to me…

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He was thin and sad and frightened but when he walked in the door it was as if a choir of angels was singing. It was love at first sight for both of us, and we were never separated. We fell deeply in love with one another, he was my velcro pug, and wherever I was there was Sam, and the reverse. He soon fattened up, filled out, became secure and we healed each other. ¬†And every day he grew ever more precious to me…

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I could put hundreds of pictures of him here, but the last one is most precious to me now and is on the desktop of my computer here. So sweet there simply are no words.

I want to say something profound to honor him, but right now I am simply too bereft to even think. Everything is on hold now until I can get through the next few weeks of working with the insurance company to get back into Dragonfly Cottage and I am so afraid to go back tears are flooding down my cheeks. I will walk into that house without my parrots, most of all I will walk into that house without my beloved Sam. The morning of February 5th I woke up with 5 parrots singing and talking and kissing me and filling the house with such joy, and my 4 beloved pugs romping through the house and in the garden with me. I return with one parrot and 3 pugs whom I adore, I love them with all my heart, but it will not be the same, it will never be the same again. Part of me doesn’t know how I will go on but I know I must. And with no inner peace, no feeling of any kind of security in the world I feel like an empty shell barely holding on.

I will pray for strength and I know that God will be with me, I know that my angels are around me, they saved me the night of the fire. But right now I feel dead inside, and everything hurts and I feel so sick and so heartbroken I don’t know what to do. I know that I will find a way but right now I cannot see it. I ask you to pray for me and hold my other little ones in your prayers as well. Right now I need a miracle. I cannot see through the darkness just now, I cannot see even a flicker of light, but I have to believe that it is there.

I hate to keep asking for help but please pray with me that help comes. I can’t seem to find my way anymore…

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If you enjoy this blog a donation would be deeply appreciated to help me continue to bring “Maitri’s Heart” to you. Thank you, and many deep blessings to one and all…

Comments

  1. Oh Maitri, you have been on my mind all day and I was just going to Facebook you when this popped into my feed. I KNEW something was going on with you but I didn’t see THIS coming! SO sorry for your loss! I used to cry just thinking about losing one of my dogs or my cat. Listen, there’s not much I can say to comfort you but I believe Sam is in the Heaven World playing with his heavenly family. AND please hear me, these next few days are a very sacred time for you, a time when you CAN actually feel the peace and joy of the heaven world as you stay quiet and calm. You are “sitting shiva” such a precious and holy time. Savor the moments if you can.
    I will keep you in my prayers and send you blessings and peace.
    Loving you from here,
    Denise

  2. Oh my love… I have no words for all the loss, all the grief, all the *everything* you’ve been through. I am sitting here, now, asking The Divine Mother to take you into her arms and surround you with all the comfort and strength and peace your soul needs. I love you and I pray you find your way back to your own Luminous Depth with grace and ease… <3

  3. my dearest maitri — my heart goes out to you. let the tears fall, and fall, and fall.
    i know sam will always be with you, just close your eyes and sense his sweet presence.
    he would want you to smile again, to smile and plant your flowers, restore your garden, love your other pugs, write your words of wisdom…. and tend to the flock that needs you, out here, in the wide world.

    xoxox
    ka

  4. My dearest Mairti, I’m sending you buckets of love and hugs this evening… I’m in tears with you as I read about Samson’s departure. We can’t experience each other’s grief, but the loss of my beloved Alessandro is still an open wound, and I share feelings of loss and pain with you. May your retreat into yourself and your new life bring you comfort and peace. I’ve gone there recently, and have wrapped myself in a cocoon of my art and Gregorian Chant, and am finding the strength and courage I so desperately need. In the meantime, I will sit shiva with you for Sampson. May he be for a blessing to you always.

  5. Oh Maitri I cried when I read this. Having lost my soul mate Duffy, my precious spaniel 2 years ago, I can still feel the wound. What does one say at a time like this? To feel so very lucky that you and Sammy found each other and to treasure those memories. I will pray for you now that Sam has crossed over and know that in time, things will slowly get better. Hug all the little puggles and Miss Scarlet for me, and let them try to help you mend. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers…

  6. In case you don’t remember, Maitri, I have been channeling messages from Arch Angels, Masters and other Higher Beings of Light since August 2013. When I read your blog I asked IF anyone had a message for you…it is RARE for them to send messages specifically to people through me because they really want everyone to connect with them directly.
    But that being said, this is what came through for you…

    “Dearest Child of Light, it is I Chamuel, I am the angel of forgiveness and soothing of grief. In this your time of needing comfort I am here, as I am always here to love and guide you in the darkest of hours. Never doubt that yours is a mission of import and while you may not feel you have the strength at this moment in yourself, know that you have access to all the strength and support you need from heaven. Call upon us, upon me at any hour of the day and night and we will lift you up and fill you will all the love and protection that you are willing to receive. You have been closed off for two long, Dearest One, it will soon be time to break open and break out…regaining wings long forgotten. For now, Dear Child, know that you are loved and embraced by the denizens of heaven and that all is well. There is no loss in truth, all that seems lost is ever with you in spirit…open your awareness and you will know this for yourself. Blessed Be. “

  7. Thank you all so much. Your kindness in the face of the piercing pain I am feeling will never be forgotten. I am taking it all deeply into my heart this terrible night. God bless you all, and thank you so much for the beautiful angelic message Michelle.

    Love,

    Maitri

  8. I’m claiming a miracle for you Maitri a healing miracle an abundant miracle a miracle of peace and strength. I am sending light. You need time. You need quiet. You need to take good care of yourself and your other babies. They will be your strength and you will be theirs. I know right now no words can offer comfort. Just know that you are wrapped in our love. You may want to talk to your doctor and see if an adjustment of meds would help you through this most difficult time. If i could I’d hop on a plane and just come and hold you and rock you and try to comfort you. In spirit that is exactly what I am doing. Hold on. You can and you will get through this. yes, it will get better. We are here. Call if you need or want to talk.

  9. Maitri I am so sorry and sad for you. So many blows and this one heart-rending beyond measure. I do know how you feel: I lost Firefly Cottage –forever; no rebuilding and no home for two years–and then, my Siamese cat, Minkey, who was to me what Sam was to you. In between there was loss after loss, and I thought the world would never be safe again. I only mention this to tell you I understand the depth of your sorrow and what it feels like to be broken.

    Life isn’t safe. The only thing that is safe is love. Oh, it won’t stop pain–especially the pain of earthly loss–but it transcends everything in the end. Think of it, Maitri: You put yourself at great risk to bring love and a home to a poor little boy who had known only pain and fear. If that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is. Mourn as long as you need to. Sampson was unbelievably special, these are your feelings and you need to fully process your grief. No one else can tell you what to do or how long that should be.

    But you have so much love in you, I don’t think you can possibly stay broken, although it feels like it right now.

    I wish I could make hugs tangible. I don’t think I will ever be able to listen to “Somewhere over the rainbow” again without instantly thinking of Sam and of you. I am glad for his sake you were with him and holding him–but that must have been unbearably hard to do.

    I won’t say any more. I am afraid I’ve said too much. But just know that you are loved and we are here because of you–and for you.

  10. Thank you so much Paula, you are so dear. I have left a very long message for my doctor and will definitely be dealing with this right away. <3

  11. Oh Marya honey thank you so so much. And I DO know that you know, and it is heartbreaking to me the terrible losses you have endured, and you have brought so much love and light into my life, all of you here with me in prayer and spirit and love and light, each of you who have answered me here and so many more, you are the light in my dark tunnel, you are the reason, and my children, and my other precious animals, I do know in this time of bleak despair that I will make it through but oh right now I am blinded by the pain. I can barely breathe and I can’t stop crying but my Sammy is with me.

    You know, with each baby that I lost, well, the ones I was able that didn’t die on the operating table, this is what I do, I hold them in my arms, very close, and sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow even while I am shaking with tears, to help them cross the Rainbow Bridge. Yesterday the nurse came back in after they’d left me alone with him after he passed for awhile and she was crying, she said they all were crying, because they’d never heard anyone do that, but I have loved them in life and I will help them as they die. And I will love them forever after. It was especially hard with my beloved Sammy but I did it while I held him for hours through the night before I finally carried him into bed with the other babies and I and snuggled all up to him because I really thought he would pass that night. It didn’t happen that way and I had to take him in but I rocked him and kissed him and talked to him and loved him and loved him until it was time for the procedure to begin and then I sang him over. It just came to me in my heart one evening as I was sitting on the floor holding my beloved 18 1/2 year old lab doby mix while our dear vet at the time came to the house to help him go, I sang to Moses and kissed him and kissed him. I wanted him to know that I was there with him, I looked deeply into his eyes, as I did with Sam, as I will with others in their time, because I want them to feel pure love as they cross. They have all given me more than I could ever possibly give them. And so I sing as I hold them close and look into their eyes until they see no more and I am blinded by my own tears but we are together through it all, to the end and beyond. To me, that is love, and I will give them everything I have in me to give.

    Thank you precious Marya, thank you…

  12. Sue Malone says:

    So many comforting words here for you, Maitri, I am so grateful that you have this community of souls around you. I have no words, no way to express how sad I am for you. Just know I am thinking of you. Of all the comments written here for you, the first hit me hard. I felt it last year when I lost Bel. It is a sacred time when you are extremely close to Spirit. As the pain lessens, so also does that open window into spirit that gets a bit cloudy with all the difficulties of everyday life needing attention.

  13. Dearest Maitri, may your angels surround you for support and comfort during this time. I don’t know what else to say. I can only imagine the things you’re going through, and words fail me.

  14. Maitri, I am so, so sorry! It doesn’t matter how long we have them, it’s never long enough. My boy is aging now and I’m so afraid to even think of losing him. I had my Maggie girl 16 yrs and I didn’t think I’d make it after losing her. I held her, kissed her and talked to her during the procedure and they allowed me all the time I needed. I was so grateful for that!

    You’ve had such great losses this year and my heart goes out to you. My brother had a heart attack early June, 2013, and it was touch & go but he survived. I was in the process of packing to move….had horrendous neighbors upstairs and every nerve was on edge. Then on 6/21/13, my precious almost 16 yr old granddaughter was fatally injured in a freak auto accident. Other family issues have resulted…so very sad. I don’t want to ramble about me…just want you to know that these huge losses are almost paralyzing and I understand. I have no memory of the last 6 months of last year and very little of early this year. Grief is a process that is different for each person. Please allow the tears…they are cleansing and healing.

    I will continue to pray for you and send healing energy your way. Remember that angels surround you all the time and will help you to eventually feel peace. Speak with your Dr, try to sleep and just rest.

    You are loved by so many!
    Pat

  15. Dear Maitri, So much love pouring your way. Your little angel knew that too and lives between the spaces of the words and thoughts coming your way.
    You have shown us a lighted way in which to navigate love, loss and grief. Your courage to reach out and tell us what is in your heart and soul is a powerful act of honor, respect, connection self care and love. Thank you.
    As I write, I feel each one of us step into a circle that surrounds you with love and tenderness. Your little angel is with you and us and we stand together in love and all that has heart and meaning.
    With love and respect xoxo Jil

  16. Dear Maitri, I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. I lost my soul mate furbaby in June and still cry because she is not there in my bed. I feel for you and wish that I could physically be there to hug you. I cry for you and send you lots of love, hugs and caring. I wish you all the beautiful things you could possibly see and feel.

    Love, Carole

  17. Thank you for sharing your grief with us.
    We can see how very, very important Sampson was to you, and how these losses are shaking your entire world.
    It is a reminder that we will all walk through similar soul-wrenching experiences in our lives.
    And when I do, I will remember you and the courageous sharing of your shredded heart.
    May it heal without endless scarring, and may the spirits of your little loved ones continue to touch you and make their presence known.

  18. I don’t know how to thank you all enough, each and every one of you are so very dear, and thoughtful, and truly, the comments you all have left here for me have meant more than I can possibly tell you. I am sending each of you a warm gentle hug and a heart full of gratitude. You have blessed me with your kindness, and my sweet little Sammy too. I will never forget this…

    Love,

    Maitri

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