Brave Days…

BraveDaysGardenWoman

It came to me very early in the morning, just as I was waking up, the words *Brave Days* kept running through my mind. I have had months of being anxious and afraid and I have been trying to have a more positive outlook, to look for the joy in life, to shore myself up to face what comes, and all of a sudden there it was, Brave Days, what I am searching for, and what my message should be. But the very reason that I need to embrace the notion of brave days, living with bipolar disorder, was my undoing. Rather than sit with it, mull it over, spend time holding it close and private by nightfall I had created a podcast called Brave Days and imagined a whole business to go along with it. Mentoring, an ecourse, even a book. I was in the middle of what I call Bipolar Spinning and by the time I put the podcast up in myriad places I was spinning so hard I was dizzy and panicking. In a heartbeat I deleted the podcast and took notices of it down wherever they had gone up. I grabbed on to the fleeting edge of my sanity and slumped down in my chair.

Grace comes in various packages and last night it was my dear friend Bekah who talked me off the ledge so to speak. She was gentle and kind and helped me realize that what I needed to do was allow time for this little seed of an idea to grow, if it was going to, as if pregnant, she said wisely. We had a good conversation and I credit her with saving me last night because I was in a sorry state. I am world’s better today. Today I am sitting outside of the experience shaking my head as I do after coming through a time like this, and I am looking at what it all means.

This post is not about what kind of business Brave Days might become, it is about my own brave days, each one where I face my demons and somehow manage to hold on. Every morning I get up not knowing what kind of day I will have, trembling a little, and I go once more into the breech, the hours ahead that fan out before me from morning until night, and I look for ways that I might tend the hours and be present to the moment at hand.

What are these brave days now? I am going through a process of investigation into a way that I might be able to stay in my home and to that end have taken the house off the market. These are uncertain days, but they are better than the limbo days when the house was on the market. I hope not to have to list it again. Now I am imagining a future for myself if I get to stay here. I see myself and my dogs living here quietly, a gentle life, tending a garden that I will have to rebuild because my garden was decimated and cleared out before the house went on the market. All of my garden art, my large garden in pots, everything now gone because I worried how I would get rid of it all quickly enough if the house sold and I had to be out by closing. Save a few things in the ground most of the garden was in pots and it is fairly barren here, and at 62 I don’t have the stamina to start over and build the kind of garden that I had here, but I can make a small pot garden on my deck and the dogs and I can enjoy the yard and the few things that grow there still.

Brave days will find me finding my way back to my painting put aside the end of last summer when I was immersed in starting my then new zine Pastiche. I am working on the last issue of Pastiche now, it will go out September 1, but I have missed my painting terribly and it’s time to start again. I feel afraid and shy because it has been a year since I was painting regularly and I wonder how I can begin again. I can face it as I will this life I must build and forge ahead with as much courage as I can muster. My own brave days will take me back to the canvas.

Brave days are learning to live a life with perhaps fewer resources than I have ever lived on but learning that the things that must go will be replaced by a richness of spirit and I intend to flesh out my income in any way that I can with small projects from home and in ways I have not yet imagined. Brave days are the days ahead that I cannot yet see but the days that will bring an abundance that I believe is there. There has been, since my house burned down in February 2014, a series of Phoenix times, the crashing and burning over and over again, literally with the house that terrible night, and in the aftermath in my life for the last couple of years. It is time for the Phoenix to rise and I feel her getting ready to spread her wings. She is here, she is strong, she is ready to take flight. Brave days indeed.

And so now I move slowly and quietly and take this little idea into my heart. What it may blossom into I’ve no idea, and perhaps it just came to me to show me the way into my own days with courage and fortitude, grace and no little amount of chutzpah. Brave days are ahead of me, I am walking toward them now.

MaitriSz4.4.16.09

Make this the year your resolutions come true!

Make this the year your resolutions come true!

Comments

  1. Blessings on Bekah for talking you down from the ledge of Too Much. Each of your days holds a measure of beauty – your house, your dogs, your yard, your own good self. And each day requires bravery of you. Whatever you produce in any one day, any one month, any one year will be Enough, whether it is a painting, contemplation of a flower, a pug snuggle or a tasty dish. Your writing inspires, whether it comes as a paragraph, a blog post or something yet to be born, and none of it requires over-committing. Your creative imagination will always provide fresh ideas. You’ve already produced more words and art than most people do in a lifetime. Time for some back patting and peace and permission to do Just Enough to feed your soul – and, of course, the pugs.

    • Cathryn honey, oh, thank you so much… Just Enough. Those words are golden. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts with me. They were truly a gift. Thank you so much love…

      A gentle hug to you,

      Maitri <3

  2. Brave days encourage
    a creative resilience
    go forth and prosper

    !!!

    xo
    ka

  3. I love Cathryn’s words here in the comments!! And, I love this post. It is so beautifully written. Such beauty in the whole way you talk about brave days and they help me because I too must continue to face each day bravely. Life is wonderful and it also requires courage. Embrace ALL of who you are dear Maitri , and know that even in bipolary moments, all your ideas have value. How they evolve will be part of the adventure! And we’ll all be here to support you as it unfolds. Hand in hand we walk, through these brave days. I only wish all we women could live in a community near one another !
    Love you.

    • Sweet Bekah,

      What a wonderful thing it would be if we all lived close to one another and could be a real community in the flesh. But you have enriched my life with such a beautiful friendship and such unbelievable support just from where you are and I cherish you. Thank you for this wonderful comment, it lifted me up just reading it, and thank you for talking me down a couple of nights ago on that hard night. You are simply the best and so dear to me. I love you…

      Maitri

  4. Olive Appleby says:

    Maitri…..again very thoughtful post that will resonate with many. We miss your paintings, I find great joy in painting when life is a challenge. You are still with us, you have overcome so much and should be so proud of what you have achieved especially since 2014. ? Challenges, I feel, are given to those who can overcome them and grow from the experience. You are one. Your smaller garden will bring you joy, easier to tend and you will be able to move the pots around, so you will be able to have different gardens too. Much love to you and the pugs. Olive. ???

    • Thank you so much dear Olive. Yes I miss my paintings and you know well what that means. And there have been challenges aplenty. I hope I can continue to meet each one and walk through the storms and uncertainty. Thank you for those words. And my garden, yes, it will be small but cherished, and all the more so for being carefully thought out and planned on a small scale.

      The pugs and I are sending love to you and your baby right back….

      Maitri

  5. Suzi W. says:

    Brave Days. I may make this my mantra as I go through my own changes. As a bipolar woman, I know the fears you speak of and the spinning. Thank you for sharing with us.

    • Dear Suzi,

      You are so welcome dearheart. I’m glad you stopped in, and it’s a good mantra, just two words, easy to remember and hold in our hearts. Brave days, brave days, brave days, may we each have them every day. Bless you on your journey…

      Maitri

  6. Dear Maitri, Sending you love and peace as you cultivate Brave Days. A garden can be any where you want it, and the beautiful flower photos you post show that. I hope you are exploring everything from refinancing your home to considering a reverse mortgage.
    I think being able to stay in the cottage with the pugs is the best option and wish you all the best in moving forward. Hugs, Lisa & Daisy

    • Dear Lisa,

      Thank you so much honey and yes we are investigating just that, the reverse mortgage. I hope it might be an answer to my prayers, I would surely love to stay here and not have to move. I hope you and Daisy are doing well in this heat. Lordy isn’t it something!

      Sending you a hug and lots of love,

      Maitri

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