Bipolar Nights…

It is past 11:00 at night. I am in my studio and the pugs are anxious to go to bed. I have been dragging myself through the day, unable to write this post until now, but I signed up for the September Blogging Challenge With Effy  and I am determined to meet this challenge and post every day this month because I want to keep myself writing, and blogging. I believe that I can make it if I just keep writing.

But right now I am nearly wild-eyed because I started writing this post an hour ago, already very late, and after writing fast and furious and becoming more and more afraid because the words were pure drivel and the time was passing, I thought, “I cannot do this, I cannot get this done, I have nothing to say and my bipolar brain is spinning. Help me God, please help me…” And I deleted everything that I had written.

I just wrote and deleted three more paragraphs. My mind will not let me rest.

It is quarter to twelve, just minutes before my deadline today, and I think that if I push myself much harder right now I will crack. Effy said that we needn’t write a long blog post, some days just a few words, or a picture. For tonight all I have to offer are these few words…

Be kind to yourself, don’t push too hard, be gentle with yourself, all of you, always, but especially if you suffer from some form of mental illness. In this last hour I have been pushing too hard, I have been at war with myself, I am near tears, and I want to curl up with my pugs and go to sleep and that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m sorry I have so little to offer you tonight. I am hurting and afraid and numb and I am going to post this now so I can see some words on the screen that let me know I made it today, that I exist, that I am here. Tonight that will have to be enough. I hope you understand.

But know this, you are in my heart, always, and I will be here again tomorrow, tomorrow is another day…

 

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Comments

  1. You offered so much more than you know. These are the wisest words we can all give ourselves. “Be kind to yourself, don’t push too hard, be gentle with yourself, all of you, always, but especially if you suffer from some form of mental illness. In this last hour I have been pushing too hard, I have been at war with myself, I am near tears, and I want to curl up with my pugs and go to sleep and that’s what I’m going to do.”
    <3

    • Thank you so much dear Judith, if, in the middle of such struggling and a muddled brain, I was able to offer something that meant something to you I am deeply blessed. Thank you so much for writing and letting me know. Many blessings and much love to you…

  2. Susan Phelps says:

    Oh, sweet friend, you didn’t fail us with too little to write! What you have us was something very precious…The reminder to take care of ourselves! We often push ourselves too hard to give what we think others need or expect of us, and for those of us with bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc., our racing, humbling and often uncontrollable thoughts feed this. Your simple reminder really spoke clearly to me today, after having spent this weekend with my elderly parents. I love them and value the time I have with them, but I find myself not doing things right when there are subtle compare made to my much younger sister. And so, as I have held onto these feelings of not doing it being quite good enough, your words remind me to let go of my perceptions and treat myself gently and kindly! Thank you, dear friend, for the wisdom of your words, that you do freely share! Please know that your words each day, whether many of few, so reach out to many hearts and make a difference!

    • Thank you so much Susan, you are very dear, and if what I was able to write last night meant something to you then it just means more than I can possibly say. And do be gentle with yourself honey. You are so dear to look in on your parents and to help others but you can’t get water from an empty well. You must allow the water table to rise. Let your own well fill up so you have something to give others after first taking care of you. Blessings and love dearheart…

  3. Rebekah Stephenson says:

    There is nothing to be sorry about dear friend! This is just beautiful and it is enough. It is honest. I think we often put pressure on ourselves to have something grand to say in a blog post. I know sometimes I feel like I have to write professional , magazine worthy type articles. I find myself drawn to just writing whatever is on my mind. Kind of like a diary. I always said I never wanted to blog like I was writing in a diary, but ironically sometimes now I am drawn to that style. It takes the pressure off of having to say just the write thing (pun on the spelling intended : ) ) . Writing just a little counts! You did great. Bravo! Lots of love and a big hug. I am sorry your night ended on a stressful note. <3

    • Thank you so much darling Bekah, your kind words mean so much to me. And I love your blog, you do such an amazing job and inspire me, always. I am so glad that we are friends. I cherish you honey. And write what your heart calls you to write and you will never go wrong. I love you honey… <3

  4. Teresa Myszka says:

    Dear friend Maitri, thank you for being so brave. Life presents many different obstacles to us all, different, but our emotions lead us down similar paths. I’ve been struggling at a cross roads the last several weeks. Your brAve words have helped that struggle. You are a salve to my to me. Get some sleep, know to are loved. You are not alone. Thankyou for being you.

    • Oh dear Teresa, thank you so much for your kind words honey, they mean so much to me, and I hope that whatever your dilemma is at the crossroads you find a way toward peace and ease, I hope the days are gentle with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers and heart. I am sending you so much love…

  5. You don’t need to apologise. We understand. You are amongst friendly souls here. (((((hugs)))))

    • Thank you so much sweet Zoe, how very dear you are. I appreciate your gentle kindness so much and am sending you love and a gentle, warm hug. Bless you honey…

  6. A few words ARE enough. Be gentle with yourself, rest, hug your pugs.

    • Thank you so much sweet Sue, I must needs be very gentle with myself now, and the love and kindness shown here by you and so many have lifted me up this morning. I take one hour at a time, and your kind words will help float me through the day. Bless you honey…

  7. Diva Odete Kreszl says:

    Whatever you you choose to write or share is enough. I suspect this exercise is meant to encourage not judge, to allow free expression not censorship, to share not filter and withhold. You are deserving of peace and love, give yourself the gift of patience and kindness.

    • Thank you so much dear Diva, your words mean so much to me. I will struggle to get posts up many a day, I know this, but doing this challenge gives me a purpose, something to strive for, and the next morning to come here to such lovely responses to my writing and be able to write back to all of you is a deep blessing. You have lifted me up this morning, you have given me hope. Bless you honey…

      • Diva Odete Kreszl says:

        I was so happy to read your new post today and that the comments of your readers were uplifting to you. I know each day brings it’s own new struggle but keep your chin up and keep fighting!

  8. maitri dearest, you will never ever run out of words. your blood contains ink. your brain is teeming with creativity. you must and you will write. just like my sermon about the making of my book Prison Wisdom, “Writing Toward Freedom,” sometimes writing is the only way we can get there. For others it’s dancing or gardening or painting or knitting – and maybe that’s you too, maitri. so talented, so FULL of life, no matter your fears that try to say NO, you will to on saying YES. I know it.

    xo
    ka

    oo
    ka

    • Oh my darling Ka, I want to just hug you and hug you and hug you. Your notes both here and in email mean so much to me, I just cannot tell you. They make me feel loved and cared for, they remind me that I have written, that I can write, they give me the impetus to keep on keeping on. And yes, YES, I will continue writing my truth in the hopes that in cobbling my words together I might help another who is suffering or struggling or just needs to feel less alone. This is my purpose now. Thank you so much sweet one, you are in my heart, always…

  9. What you offered me in this post was a reminder that I don’t have to push myself. You also offered me an opportunity to reach out in empathy, to take you in my virtual arms, to hug you tight and remind you that you are lovely, worthy, and loved. So thank you for that. <3

    • Thank you so much my darling Effy, and thank you again and again and again for this challenge, or blog along as you call it. It has given me purpose during a time when I have been “lost at sea” for months, struggling, barely able to read, unable to keep writing. This challenge is a gift for me in so many ways I just cannot tell you. And if in the midst of my muddled writing last night I was able to offer you something that helped you I am deeply blessed. Thank God for you, beautiful one. You are the beam of the lighthouse that has kept me, more often than you could know, from crashing on the rocks. I admire you so much. I follow you in awe of all you are, and all you do. Blessings honey… <3

  10. Maitri, YOU are enough! I hope you have a better day today…sending love and strength to you dear xoxo

    • Thank you so much dear Deana, you are so kind, and your gentle words mean so much to me. I send you love in return and a gentle, warm hug…

  11. Maitre, keep going, keep writing, keep doing what you are doing to keep going, You are doing enough, sending love and strength and I hope tomorrow is better for you xxxx

    • Thank you so much dear Diane, your kind words mean so much to me and the loving support are a soothing balm to my soul. Thank you, again, so much, I hope you have a day full of peace and ease…

  12. Sometimes it is just way too much to even contemplate what needs done, what, has been done, and what you are able to do right now. I think you are doing just fine, I write, rethink, erase and then think it to death some more. Take care of your self and snuggle with the pugs…best thing ever.

    • Thank you so much dear Vickie, your kind words mean so much to me. I will continue on, even on the hard days, to do the best that I can, even if I’m not able to say much, to reach out to touch others, to offer what I have, that’s the way I not only have to view this blogging challenge but how I must live every day. And comments like yours mean so much. Thank you honey…

  13. Hi Maitri, thank you for sharing – it’s really inspiring to read your words. My mum has bipolar and so does my best friend, so I understand to some extent, although only from the eyes of a loved one. Your blog post is more than enough, just like you are <3 hope your pugs got some great cuddles 🙂

    • Thank you so much dear Emily, you do understand if you have a mother and your best friend who are bipolar, you understand as much as you can, and being there for them is such a beautiful, much needed thing. I appreciate your kind words so much, they mean more than you will ever know. Bless you Emily honey…

  14. Be gentle with yourself – yes. <3 And what you offered in this post (and I believe the length doesn't matter, whatever you, or I, or anyone, can write, is enough at that time)… what you offered is a gentle and loving reminder that it is okay not to push so hard, that it is okay to do what we can do even if we might sometimes feel or want to do more. But being gentle with ourselves is so important. Thank you for this reminder, and your words. Sending so many good thoughts your way. <3

    • Thank you so much Gin, your kind words mean so much. And I’m so grateful that there was something in my humble offering that touched you. When our work is offered through gentleness and love I think we are able to be of service to at least some even though our hearts may be pounding and we may be trembling. Kind posts like yours help me go on. Bless you for this…

  15. You shared good words, important words. Thank you.

  16. Lynn Heritage says:

    Maitri….every word you write is a gift and I really want you to know in your deepest heart that your words make us all feel less alone in our own inner battles. I wish we all had a magic wand to sweep away your vicious illness, but just know that we all love you and are sending peace, love and light your way. Thank you for sharing your beautiful self.

    • Thank you so much Lynn, your kind words mean more than I can possibly say. Wouldn’t a magic wand be nice? 🙂 Until then I just have to keep on keeping on as best as I can and your taking time to comment on my blog means so much to me, it really helps me keep going. Thank you so much honey. I love you dearly…

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