Okay loves, when you are doing a 30 day blog challenge you have to come up with something to say every single day. I have the wonderful Effy Wild to thank for this and her September Blogging Challenge With Effy, truly, is one of the best things I’ve done for a long time. And as the days go along things just will come out, silly things, sad things, hard things, and things that are just really random. I’m thinking this post is the latter, let me explain.
In an effort not to do another blog post that sounds exactly like yesterday’s (Zendoodle + Jenny Lawson) I am putting the Zendoodle at the bottom of this post and leaving Jenny Lawson out entirely mostly. Mostly because I just need to say that while striving to get through the day with my usual difficulties I did resort to having Jenny Lawson videos on again while I Zendoodled, but the subject matter in the Zendoodle was a little embarrassing. As you will see when you get to the bottom of this post there is both a bottle of xanax and two wineglasses and a bottle of wine in the Zendoodle. I felt this was entirely too revealing but it’s not as bad as it sounds (and both glasses of wine were not for me, the other one is there for you if you’d like a glass…), I neither abuse prescription drugs or alcohol. I have xanax (which I’m actually weaning off of) in the morning, and a glass (or two, but most nights only one) of wine in the evening. This helps me relax and keeps me from cowering in my chair (When I refer to the chair it’s a huge, oversized recliner called, seriously, The Beast, which I got after the fire, note the largest one in the picture!). I nap in it, I sleep in it at night, and I hide in it with my soft blanket and my pugs as often as I need to when I am having a very hard time. This chair with my super soft blanket covered with 3 pugs is, many a day, the only way I feel safe in the world.
Today was not one of the really bad days with depression, anxiety, and the rollercoaster of bipolar disorder, but I have a serious toothache which, as I am typing this, is killing me. I called the clinic today and they have not called me back yet. When you have no medical insurance and rely on the clinic it seems you don’t get right in like you once did with your private dentist and I am really hurting. It’s better in the morning and worse at night but the thing is it’s not just a tooth, it’s the whole right side of my bottom jaw and hurts on my face from just under my lower lip all the around my jaw to my ear. I have pains in my ear. Oh God it is aching. Tonight I had a glass of wine and just held wine in that side of my mouth to try to numb it because I have no clove oil or numbing products to help. (Agoraphobia won out over tooth pain today, as bad as it was, but I have therapy tomorrow so I will get something then.) I also am intermittently keeping a little ice pack on which seems to help. And the thing is I just went to the dentist last Tuesday, exactly one week ago, and they did a full set of x-rays + panoramic x-rays and I was checked by both the hygienist and the dentist and they all said I was in great shape and just made my next cleaning appointment. My tooth started bothering me a little over 24 hours later and by the time I was in increasing pain, really uncomfortable, it was the weekend and they were closed. And yesterday was a holiday, and I called and left a message today and they didn’t call me back. And I’m just not in very good shape at all. I will call ten times tomorrow if that’s what it takes but in the meantime if you have any good remedies for toothache please leave them in the comments below. I’d appreciate them more than I can say.
By midmorning I was in pain and worried and didn’t know what to do with myself. I put Jenny Lawson on for company because she writes humorous books and a blog about mental illness and in her youtube videos she is darling but seems definitely nervous and anxious and says things like “Pardon me my pills haven’t kicked in yet.” which I totally relate to. She feels like something familiar and I know I’m not the only one who understands this. And I got out my markers, that big black bag of markers at the top of the page, and my pad of paper, and I start to draw. Now I have to say something about these markers because they just came a week ago and I’m thrilled to death with them and I want you to know how I got them cheaply!
I bought these markers through the app called “Wish” a place that has a whole lot of junk but amazing art supplies CHEAP. And if you’re going to shop at Wish first get online and get a coupon. You get 50% off your first order. These markers are $40 on amazon, I’ve seen them up to $80, but I paid $16 and it was a splurge and a treat for me but I had just signed up for art therapy and that’s why I got them. I love them. And I like to share amazing sales info like this because most of us can’t pay $40 or $80 for markers (There are 80 in the set and they come in amazing colors!) and I didn’t mind for this month taking it out of my grocery money for my art therapy class. These Zendoodles sprang out of my art therapy although they were really supposed to be regular Zentangles and as I’ve said I kind of got about half way into it then flipped over into doodling which really doesn’t come until the 2nd part of the art therapy course. I am not especially good at following directions, but it is very therapeutic nonetheless and really helping me a lot, even with the toothache. Jenny Lawson (Oh I’m so sorry, I said her name AGAIN!) and my fabulous new markers (The brand is TouchFive, they are alcohol markers and have a broad chisel tip on one side and a fine point on the other. You can find them on amazon just for the information if you’re interested.) and Zendoodling got me through the day.
I really really wish I had something more profound to say. I had less to say a couple of nights ago when my bipolar bits and parts had me weighted down like there were cement blocks around my ankles all the while my brain was spinning, but that might have been better than tonight when I’m just sort of rambling. But I’m here, I showed up. Blog Challenge, Day 5. I DID it! I wasn’t sure how I’d get anything written at all because of my tooth/jaw ache and the fact that Hurricane Irma is headed toward us, unless she veers course, which I am praying she does, but living in Wilmington, NC where hurricanes are nearly a yearly thing always makes us nervous here and it does my bipolary bits and parts absolutely no good at all.
So here’s the Zendoodle for today, made with my fabulous markers, when I had Jenny Lawson, xanax and wine on the brain, and if I had any serious filters I’d probably have more sense than to put this up because it really isn’t very good, and, well, wine and xanax and all. Just remember I do not abuse either, they both just tend to be leitmotifs in my life. Especially when I’ve had weeks worth of really bad days and I have a tooth/jaw ache and I’m really not sure what’s going to happen to me for the whole rest of my life and I’m scared most of the time. But here it is, it’s all I’ve got…
So there you have it. That’s today. I’m praying I have something more meaningful to write tomorrow.
But I do send you love and I do wish you well and I hope if you’re reading this tomorrow is a good day. It’s nearly 11 p.m. here. I better get this sent!
There is no shame in needing medication. And women around the world have a glass or two of wine every night.
Your doodle is fabulous, and so are you. Ramble on, dear! It’s a good look on you.
Thank you so much Kim, your kind words helped a lot and made me smile. This was one of those posts where you do your best, hit *publish*, and then think, “Oh God, what did I do?” As I get off the computer for the night I will know that everything’s gonna be alright. Thanks so much… 🙂
Medication has made a huge difference for me, as well. When I stopped my antidepressant, after I felt better & much less stressed, I started to have panic attacks. One of my nieces is a therapist & she told me that depression & anxiety are like brother & sister. Well, I never knew that! So, I talked to my doctor & got back on my meds. They’ve made me be able to manage my anxiety! And now, as I look back over my 60 years, I see that the signs have always been there, though I didn’t recognize them. Like my 83 year old mother, who is now on an antidepressant herself & benefiting from it, I just thought that’s how life is. I’m so glad that we can talk about mental health more openly. Finding you’re not alone or weird or crazy, means so much.
Oh dear Susan, you are so right. I have been on medication, and off, and back on, and for me ON is definitely better, but it can be and is such a struggle to get the right ones and get them balanced. It’s an ongoing struggle, but worth it. And I’m glad your mother is being helped too. There’s a lot of depression in the elderly and many have been helped by medication. And no you’re not alone. I hope you keep coming back here to feel supported, loved and understood for surely you are. Take care honey, many blessings to you…
I like all the stuff you write about. Your works are very interesting and I enjoy them so much. Hugs, Marge
Thank you so much dear Marge, your kind words mean so much to me and I’m glad you enjoy my writing, that gives me encouragement to keep on with it. I want so much to know that I can reach out and touch other people. Bless you honey, and thanks again…
It gives me comfort just in knowing you show up each day and I so enjoy you sharing your thoughts and feelings.
I pray for you and that peace and comfort come your way after all you have had to endure these past years with loss. But it is wonderful how you write and what you say with such depth and meaning.
Thank you so much dear Jim, your kind words mean more than you will ever know, they help me feel that I am on the right track and should keep on keeping on. It’s good to know that you are here with me in spirit. Thank you again, so much…
I love reading anything you write! So sorry about your toothache. This is going to sound crazy but I also have a toothache on the right side bottom…our similarities are getting spooky…haha! You might be grinding your teeth or maybe you just had your right side clamped down while you slept. Hope you can get it looked at soon. A big hug to ya!
Thank you so much Sheila, I’m sorry you have a toothache too, it’s terrible, the whole side of my mouth hurts back into my jaw and ear. It’s just awful. Thankfully the dentist called back this morning and can see me tomorrow at 4. I’m really hurting now but I’d feel pretty hopeless if they hadn’t called and gotten me in. I hope you feel better soon honey…
I forgot to mention that I watched one of Jenny Lawson’s videos last night. I used to read her blog all the time and then for some reason forgot about it. Glad you brought her up so I can start reading her work again. I am going to get her first book soon. She is wonderful.
Oh Sheila so glad you found Jenny Lawson again, she has helped me so much. I hope her books give you the lift that they’ve given me. Enjoy honey!
owwwww, toothache sucks, hope you get some relief today.
Thank you Zoe, I am hurting pretty badly right now but the dentist called this morning and they are getting me in tomorrow at 4, thank God. I can hold on knowing that help is on the way!
Great post. Good for you for just telling it the way it is. I can learn something from you. And the zendoodle is awesome. It brought a smile to my face, you have humor, dear girl. xoxo
Thank you so much Corinne honey, it tickles me so much to know that you liked my little ZenDoodle. They are so much fun and really help me. Mine are kind of crazy but they are fun to do and I have been amazed how each one seems to tell a little story. I hadn’t expected that. This art therapy course is helping me so much! 🙂
I am a recovering agoraphobic. I also have a prescription for Xanax to take when needed. I can relate too with your toothache. I hope you feel better and get some help. This is the first time I have read your blog but I want to read more. Thank you for your bravery for writing so vulnerably.
Thank you so much for taking time to read my blog and leave a comment, it means so much to me Jean. And yes, agoraphobia, xanax and toothaches, oh my! I am getting in to see the dentist tomorrow thank goodness. And I’m so glad you will be coming back, I’ll look forward to seeing you here again. Bless you honey…
I do hope the dentist calls you back and you feel better soon. Many hugs and much love.
Thank you so much sweet Valerie, the dentist called this morning and they are getting me in tomorrow at 4. I am really hurting right now but I can hold on knowing that help is on the way. Hugs to you too honey, and so much love, always…
You are so open and honest about your struggles. I know it helps others because another who is also struggling will see the post that day and breath a sigh of relief that they are not alone. Feeling alone and different can be one of the worst combinations. Hoping today is a better day and that you get the dental help you need. Hugs, Kate
Thank you so much Kate, I appreciate all you had to say so much and yes the dentist called this morning and they are seeing me tomorrow at 4. And yes, feeling alone is so terrible. I hope, so much, through my blog and other writings to reach out and help others. We are not alone, we must reach out to one another. And you have reached out to me here and it means more than I can say. Bless you honey…
I hope you get that tooth looked at very soon. <3 I love your doodle, honey!
Thank you so much Effy honey. I got a call from the dentist this morning and they are seeing me tomorrow at 4. I am in terrible pain right now but I have to go out to therapy today so I will get some things to help with the pain then. And thanks about my funky little doodle. I’ve had a terrible time trying to get myself to draw or make art and this is a non-threatening way to kind of doodle around and feel like I’m doing something! Bless you honey, and thank you so much for visiting each day. It means so much to me… <3
I hope your tooth feels a bit better today – or a lot more hopefully. I love your post and thank you for sharing your struggles and your day. Your chair with a blanket sounds just like mine. What a great place it is 🙂
Thank you so much Sal. I am in some pretty terrible pain right now but the dentist is getting me in tomorrow at 4 so just knowing that help is on the way helps a lot. And it is so nice to meet you here, your kind words mean so much. And isn’t it a wonderful thing to have a cozy chair to tuck up in? I don’t know what I’d do without mine. Bless you honey, I hope you’ll come again… 🙂
Love your post Maitri. Isn’t it the best to curl up in your favorite spot? I have a certain place on our couch. I walk in the room and the dog and/or cat moves! How about that? Hope you are feeling better soon.
So good to see your Zendoodle, which totally delights me. On the other hand, pain is anything but delightful. Storms are even less delightful. Dealing with mental and emotional challenges aren’t anywhere near the delight chart. You, on the other hand, are way up there on the chart, writing with such amazing clarity and openness I sit here amazed.