“There are these parts of me but they just don’t fit together.”
(Note while drawing.)
First of all I want to tell you that I have joined Effy Wild’s Blogging Challenge for September 2017. (You can click on the link in the previous sentence to see more or the graphic link in the right column to read more on Effy’s blog.) I am very excited. This month marks the ten year anniversary of this blog, Maitri’s Heart, begun in 2007, and oh what a journey it’s been. Were the days I used to blog daily and now weeks go by. I want to get back into a regular blogging habit and this is the best way to do it. I adore Effy, and her work, and am delighted to take part in this challenge, and I really need it.
And as is no news to anyone, I suffer from mental illness. Long term child abuse started me into therapy at 18 when I was diagnosed with clinical depression. At 22 I was hospitalized for a month with a nervous breakdown after a suicide attempt. I would go on to be diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder, PTSD, and finally bipolar disorder. These are the things I carry in a basket with me through life. And in the last 6 months I have been doing very, very poorly. The Mobile Crisis Unit was called. Doctors were changed. Meds have been and are being changed ongoing as we try to find a balance that works. Getting through a single day is so terrifying I cling to every hour just hoping I can get through it. But BY GOD and the saints be praised I WILL get through, I will never stop trying. Currently this blogging challenge and an art therapy course I am taking are what I am using to try to make a difference. The above drawing was supposed to be a “Zentangle” but in zentangle it is simply supposed to be lines and doodles and no recognizable objects. Part way into it my bipolar brain just took over, as it will, and odd body parts showed up. As I was doodling about (I call them ZenDoodles, it’s the best I can do!) the phrase, “There are these parts of me but they just don’t fit together.” came up and I jotted that down. I think there is some cryptic message there, but I can’t figure it out. I’m not going to try. I am going to keep drawing and share them with you as I do.
Too I have been trying to find my way with my writing and struggling badly. I think it could be important for me to write about living with mental illness and surviving. Day by day, often hour by hour or minute by minute, holding on, continuing on, never giving up. So many countless people suffer from various forms of mental illness, we lose so many to suicide, people feel lost, and alone, and hopeless. I have and I do and I want others to feel that they are not alone. I think in these 30 days of blogging I will try to discover what my focus may be. If those of you who have followed me for some time have thoughts about what you would like me to write about, what might be most helpful, I would love for you to leave your thoughts in the comments. As I suffer through these hard days I want to find a way to manage for myself, and perhaps others.
This first entry is short, it’s just past 11 p.m. I had a day that got away from me and I don’t want to miss the first day of the challenge. I hope you will come along with me. There is much to say and share and do. I am coming through a long dark tunnel. Coming here and sitting with you for a moment helps me feel connected somehow. If you are feeling lost and alone come here and sit with me. We will move through these days together.
You are in my heart…
you have a piece of my heart Maitri …
Thank you so much Julia, and you have a piece of mine…
Maitri, you are truly one of the bravest people I know! The very fact that you share so much of itself and your journey, makes me feel less alone in my dark times! I truly love the way you express yourself in your writing, and look forward to the next month with you!
Thank you so much dear Susan. It is so good to know that you will be here with me, I cherish your friendship and hope all is well with you…
Your determination and faith are inspiring. And, I love your ZenDoodle! It feels very relatable to me.
I’m currently advocating in the mental health world for a loved one. I think people don’t realize how layered treatment is, and how many loopholes and quicksand pits are in the current system. I’m glad you are open to writing about your journey – so many people likely have been and will continue to be inspired and encouraged from what you share.
Happy 10th blogging anniversary – what a great milestone!
Thank you so much for your kind note dear Joy, it really meant a lot to me. And bless you for being an advocate for your dear one. You may never fully understand how much that means. My daughter Rachel who is a psychologist is an advocate for me, helped me find care when, after my house burned down in 2014 I lost so much including all of my financial security, had to quit the medical insurance, I have none now, couldn’t afford care. Rachel went with me to appointments, filled out paperwork for me, found governments systems that would get me some free care and a clinic with a sliding scale. She has continued to go with me to doctors appointments when needed and talk to my caregivers. She has been a godsend, I simply don’t know how I would survive without her. So what you are doing in advocating in this tangled world called mental health is just a godsend. Bless you honey. Thank you so much for leaving me this note, it really did mean a lot…
Dear Maitri, it is good to read your thoughts. It is good to write about your mental illness. Some of us seem to be in the same boat. It is good that you are writing, drawing and blogging again. Creativity can be the key to a dark keyhole… It can help, it can be the way out… Thanks Maitri.
You are so welcome my darling friend Claudine. I am with you always in spirit. We will get through this together. I am right beside you, holding your hand. I love you dearest…
I hadn’t seen you on Instagram and just today I was wondering if you were okay. You must have received the signal through the ethers… 😉
I haven’t been writing this last bit, as it’s a bit challenging to write while lying flat on my back. Yup, had another episode where my back muscles seized up, but my chiropractor has worked wonders. Now I plan to take advantage of feeling better, and being able to sit up again, to resume writing. Perhaps a bit of yoga too.
Good to see your check in! 🙂
Oh thank you so much for writing sweet Victoria, I’m so sorry to hear that you have been poorly again. I hope you are up and about and feeling really well soon. It’s good to get back to writing isn’t it? I know it helps me feel better. I am sending you love and a gentle warm hug. I hope your husband and the Queen Mum are doing well too! 🙂
You did it! Yay!
Love that zen doodle, and your thoughts about writing and mental illness. I think you’re right about how important it is. I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself. <3
Thank you so much darling Effy, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment, and I especially appreciate your doing this challenge, I think it is going to make a world of difference in my life. I can’t wait to read your new blog post today. Blessings and love to you dearheart… <3
hi dearest sister/writer
so good to see that you are back, painting, writing, drawing all the pieces together with gentle stitches, pens and brushes. may you feel my loving hugs, comfort, support,
encouragement, creative zest, a foaming latte, a vase of flowers, soft music, a breeze coming in the window, all the elements to raise you up into your essential self: beautiful, talented, unique, and of service to others
xo
ka
Thank you so much dear Ka,
I am struggling to find my way out of a long dark tunnel but I will never stop trying and writing and art are sure the most potent healers for me. It is so good to have you along with me for the journey, I love you so dearly. Thank you for the many lovely gifts you sent me in this note, images to help carry me through the days as they surely will. I love you honey…
M.
Happy to meet you and witness your journey with ‘Mental Difference’. Let’s dance together through the darkness and the light in the creative journey of madness. Sister, you are not alone.x
Thank you so much Roberta, it is so nice to meet you and I love your blog too! And no dearest, we are not alone. I am here with you too… <3
I wish all the pieces come together for you. I am in awe of your bravery!
Thank you so much Rachel, you are very dear and I appreciate your kind words so much. Blessings to you on your journey… <3
10 years of having a blog is awesome and you challenged yourself to do a post and did it! I am looking forward to seeing more.
Thank you so much Mary, it has been quite a journey. I look forward to this September challenge and will look forward to ready your blog. Blessings!
Hi Maitri, nice to meet you! I love the title of your blog. Thank you for sharing so authentically. I’m glad you are writing. It feels very important. For you. For others. You are amazing!
Thank you so much Ginette, you are very dear, your kind words mean so much to me. I have just put up the post for the second day. I hope it helps others, it was a very hard one to write. Bless you honey… <3
I appreciate your bravery. I’ve directly dealt with mental illness, yet I am still oblivious and frozen in place with what to do with it. I’ve got so much to learn at how to understand it and articulate it. I mention emotional trauma in my blog today, and mental illness is definitely one of the emotional traumas I have not yet dealt with.
Thank you for sharing yourself. ❤️
Thank you so much dear Shannon for sharing yourself here with me. These are hard things to get through but you will make it. I will hold you in my heart and prayers as you find your way through. Do get the help that you need honey, it really makes all the difference. Take care… <3
Sending hugs and love, Maitri. You have so much to give, even as you struggle to make sense of your day to day challenges. Thank you for sharing your thoughts — it helps all of us.
Thank you so much Lisa, you are so dear and your friendship means so much. I’m so glad that what I share through my writings can be of help, that is my deepest wish. I am sending you so much love and hope that your days to come are filled with ease and peace. Bless you honey… <3
Beautifully written, Maitri. One day you will hear a small voice grow into a roar, telling you everything you need for a book you have already written. The rest is icing on a cake that’s savoury rather than sweet.
Thank you so much dearest Cathryn, and yes, perhaps the sweet cakes are for the young and the savory for those of us who have lived long enough to know the full range of what life can offer and be and sit with the wisdom of the years and the colors of autumn at our backs. May we both move forward into days where we can find peace. I send you love, I wish you well… <3
God is the Light at the end of that tunnel. He will see you through. Hugs, Marge
Thank you Marge, your kind words mean so much to me, you are very dear. Have a peaceful night honey….
Can’t wait to read all of your posts for this. Love your work and love you.
Thank you so much sweet Sheila, you are so dear. I so appreciate your leaving me this kind note. It is wonderful to know that you will be part of this journey. I will be doing the 4th post today! 🙂
Great post. So brave to be sharing where you are now. I hope being in the challenge – and the art therapy – works for you. As I’m blogging along as well, I will be back. I love the art you shared. It was what pulled me in in the first place. Keep sharing!
Thank you so much Corinne, I so appreciate your visiting my blog and leaving a comment. It means the world to me. And good luck to you as you blog along. I think this will be very important for all of us. Blessings and Love to you dearheart…