First of all, so as not to frighten anyone I know that I will go on, but these are the days when I wonder how, these are the days when I am afraid to speak to anyone because I know I will start to cry. These are the days when I know why I had to answer the questions on the questionnaire.
Question 1. Describe everything you do from the time you get up in the morning until the time you go to bed.
Answer: Precious little.
I take care of the pugs and Miss Scarlet. I rescheduled a vet appointment because it was a well baby new patient appointment. If I had a sick pug or a pressing appointment I would have gone but my agoraphobia is waving its banners high and going out would be excruciating.
I want to write a gratitude list and a list of all of the joyful things in my life but I’m not able to. I’m not prone to headaches but I have had a terrible one all day. I am writing this blog post to try to stay tethered to the planet, I am nailing down one word at a time so that it stays on the page, I am writing this for others who suffer so that we can hold hands and stay here together knowing that another better day will come soon. And it will, and we will make it through once again, but at this very moment just to swallow makes me cry. I have tears running down my face as I write this.
I have very little money left until disability comes through and I pray God it does and I am so paralyzed with fear that I can’t do anything and the paperwork of must -dos is piling up on my desk and I am afraid to sit down in my desk chair and look at it.
I took a nap, exhausted from doing nothing at all, and yet could barely lay still. The 4 pugs literally laid all over me or up against me and kept me from floating up, hitting the ceiling, and crashing to the floor. Many nights their soft warm bodies and gentle snoring are the only things that help me go to sleep. Anyone who thinks I am a good person for adopting these babies doesn’t understand that they save my life or keep me going every single day.
I’m afraid to write this.
I’m afraid not to.
What if it helps one single person? Then it is worth it. This is the kind of post that makes me fear I will lose readers while at the same time knowing that the thing I should be thinking about is how it might save a life. For 7 years people have written to me and told me I helped them hang on, kept them from taking their own lives. This has shocked me time and again, every single time I heard it, but knowing that how can I not write this post.
We are going to make it dear ones. We may be paralyzed with fear, we may be weighted down as if by a semi in depression but the clouds will begin to lift. Sit next to me, let’s look for even a slim shimmer of sunlight, and then we know there will be more, and then we turn a corner and can make it to another day.
I am not there yet. I am crying again. I felt so sick I texted my daughter whom I adore, and whose weekly visits mean more to me than I dare say. I never want her to feel guilty if she can’t come. I want her to have her life not be worrying about me here like this. This is why I live alone. People don’t have to see me on these really bad days. I wrote to her and told her I didn’t know if I was up to a visit this week. That is an indication of just how bad it is. She asked me if I had taken all my meds and I had but I was so busy avoiding life I forgot to eat. I ate nothing until 3:00 this afternoon and the meds made my stomach sick. You need to take them with food. I’ll leave myself a post-it note for tomorrow.
I am so afraid. I am so afraid and shy and embarrassed to ask this but will you say a prayer for me? My shawl is wet from tears. I don’t want to wake up to another day like this.
If you are still here with me thank you so much. It helps not to be alone.
Yes, this is the day when I understand why I had to fill out that questionnaire. I hope never to have to do something like that again but one time I had to tell the painful truth. I am more than the answers to the questions, but I am this too.
You are never alone! ((hugs))
Hang on to my hand. I’ll do my best to help you.
Sending you oceans of love, dearest Maitri. You are a gift in my life. You are not alone.
I understand. Sending love and prayers. We all will get through this. One day at a time.
Yes, sweet Maitri — I will say many prayers for you my friend. Sending Love! xoxoxo
Maitri, sending you enveloping hugs and thankfulness that you’re here.
You ARE amazing, gifted, and talented. And I understand scared, down, and afraid, too. Thanks for this post. LW
“If i keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come.” chinese proverb
that is why i call my chapbook “label” Singing Bird Press.
i know you have a green bough in your heart, dear sister. i can feel it stirring, growing more leaves, inviting the birds to come and hang out there, to trust it will be a resting place for them. as you are a resting place for many, with your hard won and gentle truths.
thank you maitri. harvest time is near, will come, and you will reap the seeds of love you sow —
xo
ka
Sweet precious beloved Maitri, you are NEVER alone. Do you still have my phone number? Use it. If I could I’d be there to hold you and let you cry it out and cry with you. A phone call would be second best. Or send a private message with your phone number. I’ll call YOU. I am sending you a huge hug and all the light I can. Please don’t try to do this alone. You never have to. I pray for a restful sleep and a morning so beautifully sunny it can only bring joy as you and the puggies go out and enjoy your deck. Reach out before it reaches that place of total overwhelm next time. You are loved and not one of us would ever think less of you.
Maitri, you are not alone. I am reaching out to you through time and space and hope that you can sense that my hand is seeking yours. Find your way through the dark and rest while you feel this way. I hope that you will feel better in the morning. Check back in with us and let us know. Thanks so much for this post.
XO..Karen
My dear Maîtri
you won’t lose friends with this. Sending you huge bear hugs my sweetheart. Relish in the thought that you are heard and understood. Hope the next day feels better…
Praying for you. Praying with you.
I’ve been rather emo myself in these waning days of Mercury Retrograde…
Message me if you want my cell number.
Blessed Be,
Victoria
Maitri as tough as this was for you to write, you did it. That’s a big positive step. You acknowledge your pain and see it as weakness. But it’s a strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable to the world. Everyone fears judgement. Remember courage isn’t the lack of fear, it’s feeling the fear and doing it anyway. When depression pulls you down, sleeping is a great thing to do. But do so without guilt. That is what we need sometimes. Most of all I want to thank you for sharing your ups and downs. Things will work out for you. I believe it. <3
thank you for your posts
It hurts less knowing
Im not the only one with soggy
Blankets
❤️
Sending you love and light…
xo
Maitri, i am in deepest sympathy. Hang in there; even if it is just by sleeping…this autumnal phase shall pass…Have you considered light therapy? A therapy lamp helps a lot of people at this time of the year. (I am one of them… having SAD is not easy.) You are in my prayers!
Sending you hugs from far away in Switzerland. You are in my prayers. May you be well soon Maitri.
You have helped me so much with your courage and vulnerability. I too have been dealing with anxiety and depression. I know it will get better…..but right now I am holding your hand through this and am so thankful for this community of women. Thank you for creating this space and for not being afraid to tell the truth. You are so dear to me….I will keep you close in my heart and prayers. This too shall pass and all will be well.
I did not see this until today, but I hope the pugs were able to give you comfort last night.
How about that quiche? Easy to make and there when you need to eat something.
Look at little Laverne; after all she has been through, she still wags here tail and gives pug kisses.
Walk out in your garden and try that gratitude list again. Sending you a hug of support.
Hang on sweet lady…know you are loved by many!!!
Hugs, Judith
Oh my dear beautiful friends I am overwhelmed by your love, kindness and support. It means more than I can possibly say. Thank you and I too am sending you warm gentle hugs and wishes for peaceful and happy days.
I am a bit better today I think but not completely on solid ground and teary. I have someone on the way to deliver post fire things and I dread it. The fire was Feb. 5 and it just goes on and on. I hope soon it will all be over.
Many blessings and much love than these words can convey…
Maitri <3
Maitri, You are pillar of strength and courage, you are like the sunlight that makes it’s way thru the thick clouds and brighten up everyone’s unfolding moments.
It is an honor and a privilege to be in your presence on this blogging platform.
May this universe smile upon you and everybody around you forever.
Maitri, you have my prayers and my deepest respect. I good friend of mine took her life a few years ago in one of those really bad moments, where the tunnel closed in and she just couldn’t see her way out. I wish she had been able to read something like this to remind her that she wasn’t alone, and help her hang on to see the sun rise on a new day. I hope your day is brighter every second.
Maitri, I just wanted to clarify the comment I just left by adding that I think that this post has the potential to do so much more than just “help” someone — it could be literally save lives. Thank you so much for sharing your soul.
Dear Maitri, Holding you in my heart and prayers. (((((HUGS)))))
Maitri know that you are not alone. I read your posts and my heart goes out to you.
Dear Maitri, How incredibly brave you are. You are the light in the darkness for people. Don’t ever doubt yourself about this. Deep breaths… hold it…. slowly exhale… repeat as often as necessary. Feel the calm, the light and the love surround you. Sending you so much love and light and praying for peace for you. Blessings dear one. You are loved.
Bless you all, bless you, bless you, bless you. And know that I am sending you so much love, and a warm gentle hug, and know that if you, too, are having a hard time, it will pass, we can hold on and go on, and you are always in my heart and prayers.
With deepest appreciation for all the kind and loving comments. Truly.
Maitri <3
I’ll be keeping you in my heart and mind today, Maitri!