Touching Base ~ Resting, and Concentrating on Patreon ~ On The Eve Of My 69th Birthday…

“What is it like to be seventy? If someone else had lived so long and could remember things sixty years ago with great clarity, she would seem very old to me. But I do not feel old at all, not as much as a survivor as a person still on her way. I suppose real old age begins when one looks backward rather than forward, but I look forward with joy to the years ahead and the surprises that any day may bring.”
May Sarton, At Seventy: A Journal

It has truly been two months since I have written a blog post or been on social media. This isn’t because blogging no longer mattered, and I have truly missed many friends that I had on social media, but after a 3 year shocking downward spiral that seemed to come out of nowhere, becoming more disabled, faster and faster, so that I can no longer garden, carry my new grandbaby around, no longer drive (I sold my car before the holidays), and have great difficulty getting around my own home (I have 2 rollator walkers because there are 3 steps from the main part of the house back down here to my studio where I mostly live and as simple as that would be for most people it is something I can no longer do) and coming to the point, when planning ahead or looking to the future fell away as well, because I went downhill so quickly, in so much pain I could barely get out of a chair or walk with my rollator walker, never knowing what a day might bring and having to take each day as it came and do the best I could with whatever presented itself that day, I was near collapse.

I have talked before, as have many, about The Spoon Theory, where those of us who are ill or disabled have so little energy the energy we have is represented by the number of “spoons” we have on any given day. Mine changes by the day. I now call them my teaspoons because the are so limited and go so fast. By the time I get up in the morning, take care of my animals and my morning routines, make my coffee and make it here to my work table, it is not unusual for me to go to sleep for another 2 or 3 hours by lunchtime. I am extremely limited in what I am able to do.

It was a very hard decision for me to pull back from social media but you can get lost scrolling through the feeds and that takes spoons I just don’t have to spare. And Patreon, these last almost 3 years, has literally saved me. I live only on social security, have been having In-Home Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, A Home Health Aid who came for some time to bath me sitting on the toilet seat once a week until my whole house and bathroom were reconfigured. The room next to my studio, “The Cozy Room,” that I have slept in in my huge oversized recliner (I cannot sleep in a bed) with my wee dog Molly had to be moved back to the Master Bedroom that I never used because it was so near to the bathroom. In October I took bad falls 3 times in less than 2 weeks causing me to have to use my “Fall Button” that I’ve worn for 3 1/2 years and can never take off causing the EMT’s to come and worse (meaning more humiliating) while they’d come before and the 2 of them could get me up with ease the way I fell they were afraid they would hurt me getting me up so they called in extra help from the fire department and 3 times in 2 weeks they all came. I said to my daughter it’s unnerving to be on a first name basis with the dear EMT’s who are wonderful, and the fire department who are so kind (I never knew they did this sort of thing) and even more, the last time they came they said, “Don’t worry honey, we got you, OH! Hi Molly!” (They are even on a first name basis with my dog!) After that is when all the in-home care started and though they helped me a lot I have had to come to accept that most of my life will be spent in a chair (I cannot stand for long and never in my kitchen where I have to sit in my rollator to make coffee, get food for Molly and I, and do what I can toward washing a few dishes.). I now have extra care with a woman who comes from social services one day a week to do light housekeeping. It’s a miracle and it’s free. (One of my goals, which I am writing about in my book supported by my Patrons, is about all of the help that is available that most people don’t even know about. I write EVERYTHING to my Patrons, they know it ALL!) I need a lot of sleep, I hurt constantly, and I still cannot get over that all of this started happening when I was only 65. I am a lifelong gardener, garden designer and garden writer, and I have a huge beautiful garden all the way around my house and now I cannot even go out into it. Not to cut a single rose.

And so finally I had to start making very hard choices. And while one hates to be blunt, everything I’ve done for 17 years on this blog, and all of the great many people who have told me how much I helped them but rarely ever left even a small tip in the Paypal tip jar, became harder to bear as I spiralled downward and had less and less money. I am working with a social worker now, am getting “Meals on Wheels,” 7 days a week, (This became essential when, trying to cook at the stove sitting in my rollator walker, I had an accident with a pan of hot oil and burned both of my arms badly, 2nd degree burns, and am badly scarred) and while I have Medicare, my only insurance, she told me she thinks I now qualify for full Medicaid and I am looking into that. I am on a great many medications both for physical health issues, disabilities, and 3 mental health meds, and Medicaid would pay for my meds. I can’t afford extra Medicare parts that cover such and other things.

And so came the hard choices. Social media is a time (spoon) suck for someone with so many issues and so little energy, and because it didn’t bring in income I had no choice but to stop. I started my Patreon account almost 3 years ago and while I have a small group and you can join for only $5 a month (I’ve made a sliding scale so many people pledge different amounts) it has been an absolute Godsend and lifesaver to me. They have helped me through hard times both financially but also with so much love and support and kindness they have made the hardest days of my life bearable, or manageable. So besides taking care of my self and what little I can do around my home, ALL of my energy, work-wise, will only be available, except a blog post, like this, and touching base on social media, once a month. At least I’m going to try to do this so I don’t completely lose touch with you all.

I have 2 books in process (one will take a few years but I am doing a shorter illustrated book as well that will hopefully be out much sooner) and I am creating artwork that I hope to be able to begin to sell in the next year or two. My Patrons are supporting me to do all of this and in exchange and thanks they get at least one downloadable piece of art to use in any way they wish for their own personal use only every month, nearly daily blog posts, I am always looking for new things to offer them, I answer everyone that writes to me, and nearly 2 months ago I started a weekly “podcast” about 45 minutes long (Every Friday, I just sent out the 7th one). We have a special tier for a once a month Zoom gathering but mostly I just get up every single day and try to produces whatever and as much as I can for my dear Patrons. I send all kinds of things. Videos from YouTube that help me, inspire me, soothe me, and so much more. Patreon is my full time work, as much as I am able, and without their help I don’t know what I’d do.

I wanted you to know that I didn’t go away. I didn’t close any of my social media accounts, I just don’t have the time or energy or spoons to go there everyday. And while I have always loved Instagram I have to scroll and scroll and scroll forever just to see a few of the people I really want to see. All kinds of people are there and I have no clue they are, and really, the thing that finally made me cut off social media is signing into IG TWO days in a row and the very first picture I saw was 2 naked women doing things I will not mention. I reported them to IG, blocked them, and left Social Media that day.

It has been harder for me than you can imagine because since I am not able to leave my house (the last time I left at all was early fall, and I will go to the doctor next month using transportation through the senior center. And all you seniors out there, check if you have a senior center in your town. It is utterly amazing all the services they offer.) the internet is my connection to the outside world, so having to pull back from social media made me feel very sad. I miss seeing family and friends, and the artists and other creatives who’ve work I have loved and followed for years, but I have a different life now and it is not an easy one.

I am not complaining, and finally, as my birthday comes tomorrow, I thought it would be the perfect time to read my dear friend May Sarton’s At Seventy because I am finally coming to a place where rather than living in a perpetual pity party because of all the pain, the losses, and the increasing disabilities, I have made the choice to face each day as it comes, feel grateful for all the many blessings I still do have in my life and there are many, sit here at my work table and write and draw and work on my book and my paintings and communicate with my dear Patrons at Patreon who have literally been my saviours, and I love doing the work that I do. I think the work that I do is important and there is so much to say and show which I do at Patreon.

It has always made me cringe mentioning Patreon because I have never wanted to ask for help, but I give as much as I possibly can in return and in nearly 70 years of doing work to help other people I now graciously and humbly accept the support they are giving me. I love them all dearly. They are my family.

If you could or would like to support me at Patreon in any amount that is comfortable and easy for you I would be more grateful than I can possibly say, and if you can’t, no worries. These are hard times for many, but as an old friend used to say, her father always told her if you don’t ask the answer is always no, so I’m asking.

I hope if we can grow our numbers we will be able to open the community platform where we can share our work and our lives and so much more with one another. But I am a patient person and I believe that everything comes in the right and proper time and so it shall.

Now I am very tired and Molly and I need to head back to bed. If you would like to check out Patreon you can go here, and there is also information about Patreon in the top of the righthand column of this website.

I love you all so much and I have truly missed you. See you again in a month…