The world seems very large and separate and apart from my little world here and I am having trouble connecting with it. Am I really as alone as I feel? Will I ever feel the warmth of human touch, of one close to me, do I even want that? I thought not, but the older I get the more the idea of a tender companion appeals to me.
Where am I this night and why, with the snoring of the pugs all around me, that sweet sound that I love so well, does my heart ache?
I have been watching the same documentary over and over, mesmerized by it. It is about the life of writer Anne Perry and it is called Interiors. She is about 70 as it is filmed, just a few years ago. She is a best selling author with a dark past. As a girl of 15 she and her friend murdered her friend’s mother. She spent time in prison and came out a young woman, changed her name, moved to another continent, and her past was not revealed until the last decade or so after she had published some 50 or more books.
It is a mesmerizing story of a woman who has spent her life alone, haunted by her past, trying to make up for it, but unable to have a relationship because of the weight of what happened so early and those close to her talk about how lonely she is and it makes me teary, it is heartbreaking.
We are lonely for so many reasons, but whatever the cause it cuts deep. I once wrote in a book, “Loneliness eats so many holes in me I feel like a piece of swiss cheese.” And yet I felt breathtakingly lonely living with other people. Have I grown enough to make way for another?
I have craved solitude, longed for it, built a life around it, and I have learned much from it. May Sarton famously wrote, “Loneliness is the poverty of the self; solitude is the richness of the self.” But is it not possible to balance relationship and solitude? Is it possible to have both? This may be the thing that I long to learn, to know, in my later years.
I am sitting here struggling with such deep feeling, my eyes are so tired they are drifting out of focus, bile rises up in my throat and I am holding my breath, fighting back tears. Is it too late to invite love in? Could I bear it’s presence? It would have to be someone who would love me and let me love them in my imperfect way. Could someone accept this odd and strange person that I am? Sarton also wrote, “And now we who are writing women and strange monsters still search our hearts to find the difficult answers.” Must we, if we are to reach the deep well within, live alone and bear the weight of silence? Do writing women who are bipolar and struggle just to manage the days have the right to wish for love too? I think what I am coming to as I go deep in therapy again is that it is possible and it is even possible for me. The very thought makes me shiver. I don’t know enough about balance to chance it. Do I? I think in the years ahead I may find out.
For now the dogs are stirring. I need to walk with them outside, take a shower, and settle into our big recliner to watch the t.v. show that I like on Thursday night. I will carry all of these thoughts with me tucked in under my breast, hidden and secret where these things lie silently in the darkness. On this dark night I will manage as I always do, and the loneliness subsides, and I go on.
Loneliness is such a strange thing that one can even be lonely in a crowd of people. It is a different kind of loneliness when you are in your house a lot by yourself. I get what you mean about feeling almost as if you could be really alone while the world outside is doing its own thing. I can think of times in my younger years when I was in crowds of people (college for one) and felt the most alone I’ve ever felt. Probably even more alone than I felt being stuck in the house alone. The reason was that I was not surrounded by my tribe. One can even feel alone at a family party if you are feeling misunderstood. All it takes is to find that one person that gets you that you “get” and you no longer feel alone. Years later I learned to be my own best friend, and since then I find I don’t get as easily lonely. And yet…we humans are not meant to be physically alone. We are meant to have some type of interaction with another. That is why the loneliness creeps in. It is a longing in our soul that we all have. This wanting to be connected to someone other than ourselves. This wanting someone to share life experience’s with and make sense of it all.
It is important to have soulmates. These can come in the form of friends and are not restricted to lovers only. Even though I am married and don’t live alone, there are times late at night when Matt is sleeping that my soul does long for a human connection. Someone to chat about life with and just share in this human experience. A girlfriend to laugh with! Of course you can chat with me anytime I am available. It isn’t the same as in person I know. That has been my longing…to have more friendship dates in person.
As far as can someone love you and your oddities. Pardon me, but Hell yes! There is a lid for every pot so to speak. There are people who are worse off than us that have partners. It is a matter of not focusing on what we perceive as “hard things to live with” but focusing on the awesomeness that is us. Everyone has hard things to live with. My husband may not have mental health challenges for example, but there are things about him that have had challenges with too. That is because we are all messed up in our own way. Anyone would be lucky to have you, don’t think otherwise ;). All relationships are are a couple of imperfect people trying to imperfectly navigate life together. Even the people that seem to have it all together. Finding an amazing person is another story. Where to find one for you? Online perhaps ?
And you can still have solitude AND the relationship. I have a need for both. I can get my solitude to do things I enjoy while he is at work or asleep. You will find a way to navigate that if you find the right person. Well this response is a blog post in itself. I guess I had a lot to say on the matter hehe. Sending you love and hugs. You are never alone, but I do understand how it can feel that way at times. <3
Darling Bekah,
What a long thoughtful comment, thank you so much. This is such a conundrum, the loneliness issue. There are many things I really like about living alone and some that are painfully hard. Perhaps some day I will find my special someone. And I appreciate your friendship more than you could possibly know, love talking to you on the phone, it is a gift indeed.
I love you and send you a warm gentle hug this quiet Monday morning…
Maitri