You are in a desert, all alone. That place in your heart that is arid, wind blowing through, rattling your rib cage, taking your breath, you are an empty shell.
Grief sweeps through in such a sharp, ravaging way, and not just because of the lost little one but all of the losses, the loneliness, the unbearable, aching, human, existential angst, the terror of being alive and what it all means and there is no way to get through this kind of day, it simply is not possible.
And then tears, and you can feel your heart shattering into a million pieces and feel the sharp edges of the pieces cutting like broken glass and you don’t know how to survive.
But you do, somehow you do, you always do.
But in these moments you are gripped by such unbearable sadness, the loss of people in your life who drew near and for a time gave you hope and then disappeared, the children who have grown and moved away, the friends who are lost through death or the disappearance in time as years go by, scattered to the winds, pieces of past lives.
And you never knew you would end up alone and you don’t know how to do this and you don’t think you can manage it and when will your heart ever stop aching?
And it makes it hard to trust people, even the lovely ones who have been kind, because people you have loved have left and it has made you afraid to try again.
This has been my day today. I don’t know how to do this right now. I’m just so sad.
Excuse me please. I had to come and write a blog post, I have committed to being here to do this, but today I’d rather not have because this is how I’m feeling, this is all I had to say.
I’m sorry. These are not “Precious Moments.” These hurt.
Maitri,
Sending hugs, love, and energy.
There is so much sadness and angst periodically for so many of us that feel the weight of circumstance, anxiety, and depression, no matter how opportune we are in the world.
But better times do come as do fresh thoughts. Thank you for your honest posts.
Thank you so much Lisa, I am struggling, really, this is a bad one. But your kindness, taking time to be here, and commenting, mean more than you could possibly know. I am so behind on commenting on yours and other’s blogs and I’m so sorry. Just surviving since the hurricane has been nearly impossible, and then Delilah, and somehow it snowballs and just takes me down. Your kindness here has meant so much…
Oh, goodness, do NOT worry about following or commenting on my or other’s posts! We write posts because we want to (at least I do), not to get comments. More hugs….
Thank you Lisa honey, for everything…
Maitri,
I am ao sorry you have had such a difficult day. I understand how sometimes it seems we cannot move forward. I have been there.
I hope tomorrow is a better day with more joy and less pain.
Gentle hugs,
Lauren
Thank you Lauren honey, you are so dear, bless you angel. I am hugging you close. Please hold a good thought for me…
Hello, my dear friend,
That lost feeling visits all of us from time to time and it can be unsettling. But this I know, you have a world of people who care deeply for you. Just try to hang onto that thought through those dark days.
I slept most of the day today and just managed to get my blog up. Travel is not a joy either, but I so appreciated the time with family so I understand how you are feeling.
I send you love tonight, on a night when you are feeling lost and alone. And I will say a special prayer for you that tonight will be restful and tomorrow a brighter day.
Thank you Maggie honey, you have been a very good friend to me and I appreciate your kind and gentle words. I know that this will pass but when you are in the valley it is hard to see beyond the pain. I appreciate the prayers. And I’m glad you had such a lovely time with your family. I will never get used to 2 of my children and their families living far away, I just can’t hardly bear it. Everything just feels so hard now. I am praying for an easier day tomorrow…
I am so sorry you have had such a bad day. I know how hard that can be. Are you home tomorrow? If so, let’s find a good time to chat.
Maggie I am home but I have one workman here from 9 or so on for several hours, a tree man coming at 10 to give me an estimate, I have to contact the doctor about an issue I’m having and Rachel is coming by about 3:15 on her way out of town for about an hour so it’s a busy day but tomorrow evening would be good if you have any time then. Thank you honey….
Sending you a huge hug awash in tears for your brave heart as you valiantly go forth daily despite your pain. You are living proof that oysters give us pearls by transforming trouble into beauty. Blessings dearest Maitri; may your tomorrow be blessed with the light and love your words here so selflessly give to others. Trish <3
Oh sweet Trish thank you so much for your kind words, they mean so much to me, and I will hold the oyster image in my heart, it is something I have written about in the past and it always brings me comfort. I am so glad to be reminded. Bless you honey, thank you so much…
Maitri, I posted this comment for you on Facebook, but it seems more at home here in your Sacred Space. My heart feels for you.
“Each word…so perfectly placed, each feeling, so deeply interlaced, swims through grief and pain on tears, like rain, and floods this broken vessel.”
Your words inspire my words, Maitri. I am honored to hear You.
Dear Robin,
I answered you on FB where you posted then, and again I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your gentle words, they are truly a healing balm for me this morning. Bless you honey for your kindness and for taking time to respond to me. It is hard for people to respond to this kind of raw pain and those of you who have have provided a healing balm for me today. Bless you honey, thank you so much…
Maitri
oh my dear, through my sniffling stuffed up nose, and coughing, i bear witness to this day of yours. the existential angst, the piercing loneliness. oh my dear, if only picking up a needle and stitching a rainbow would help. maybe tomorrow it will. maybe tomorrow will offer a ray of light, a little miracle. we know that the bad times shift, the good times return, the bad times return, the good times return… such a long saga of pain and sweetness. i love you dear maitri. through sniffles and all, i wrap you in a soft cloud of peace xo ka
Oh Katya honey I am so sorry that you are so sick. I hope you feel better very soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer me here when you are feeling so bad yourself. What you’ve written means so much to me, and my few sewing things that I ordered should be here by tomorrow, I hope that will help, I think it will. I’m having to go to the doctor myself this morning for an issue that I’m a little afraid about so that adds into the mix. This has been such a hard time. I love you dearheart. Feel better soon…
M. xoxox
Sending hugs and much love. xxx
Thank you dear Jenny, I appreciate that so much. Much love to you too honey…