These Precious Moments: Day 36 ~ Stitching Together The Pieces Of My Lost Heart With Needle And Thread…

I have not been able to find the way in, the way to that place where you know you can heal your heart if you just have the right tools. I have needed to get out of my head and into my hands, but I have been lost. Writing is one way for me to be in the world, but I learned a long time ago that when I got out of my head and into my hands something happened that words couldn’t touch. I used to always keep a fiber art project on my writing table and when I would get stuck in my writing or when my brain got screwed up too tight I turned away from writing and into my fiber art. Freeform knitting and crochet, weaving, handspinning art yarns, these were all my go-to fiber pursuits but before them there was something deeper and more sustaining.

After I left my marriage in 1999 I lived in a tiny place, the original Dragonfly Cottage. I started going to yardsales and buying fabric and sewing supplies, mind, I knew nothing about sewing, but I wanted to make something and somehow the fabric, needle, and thread called to me like a siren in the sea. I started making one of a kind handmade dolls. They were very simple, much like featureless Amish dolls but these dolls had one or two features and in the features they possessed there was a story that told who they were. I stuffed the dolls with bits and bobs, herbs from the garden, crystals, essential oils, they were magical, and everyone that I made one for — I wasn’t selling them, I was making them to heal a broken heart, I made them for people I loved, or people who needed a healing of their own — loved them.

As time went along I started buying fabric cheaply on eBay. It had begun to get harder and harder for me to leave the house and the material I wanted wasn’t easily found at yardsales. I wanted vintage fabrics, especially vintage velvet — the dolls were made of velvet — but also old silks and satins and brocades and all manner of vintage material. I also started collecting vintage buttons. It was my heaven. Everywhere I moved I carried my fabric and buttons and notions around with me. I have always wanted to get back to making handmade dolls, something I thought I could make and sell, but they were always so personal to me. And then came the fire in 2014. I lost all of my precious fabric. Some buttons survived, but the fabric I had collected for years and years is all gone. Tons of embroidery threads, all manner of things, all gone. It broke my heart.

I have tried, for some time, to knit or crochet or even to spin yarn, but I quickly fall away, my heart isn’t there. And I don’t have the money to replace all that I lost. It seemed far too daunting, no way to begin again. And since Delilah died I have been hurting so much, I have been so lost, I haven’t known what to do with myself. But this morning something happened that jolted me awake, a shock of recognition.

I was scrolling through Instagram when I came across something my friend Zann had posted. It is a simple stitching project she is working on for something called 13 Moons. Here is her piece. In that moment something in me came alive. I don’t need a closet full of gorgeous vintage fabrics, I just need a few sewing supplies and simple fabrics to start, I just need to be stitching, I need to be making something.

I spent the day online figuring out how I would start and I bought a few simple, inexpensive supplies for embroidery, a little cloth, just a handful of things. I am making no grand plans. I am simply going to sit here and begin. I am self taught in all that I do. I couldn’t use a sewing machine to save my life, I can’t do anything grand or complicated, and I don’t need to. I spent a good chunk of the day connecting to what my soul calls out for and one of the things that delighted me the most and which I am now following on Instagram is #slowstitching. There is magic in a piece of cloth, a needle, and thread. With these few simple things I will begin to stitch together the pieces of my lost heart. I will find my way.

I have tried to draw and paint but I have never been comfortable doing it. And my recent attempt to draw Anna was so filled with pictures of the little pug that was my Delilah (Pugsley was there too but before Anna there was Tallulah and Georgia clearly based on Delilah and I.) that my heart just won’t go there. I need to do something else, something slow, and simple. I need to let my hands find the way. I need to heal myself. I have, God willing, a lot of life left to live. I intend to do just that.

Slowly I am finding my way, one day, one moment at a time. And now I will stitch together the bits and parts and pieces of myself that have broken apart, and I will see who I am now, pieced back together, not quite the same, but all of a piece, eventually. I don’t know what I will find, but I need to find my way. I am ready to begin.

Comments

  1. Maitri, I am so happy that you have found this as a way back to the healing power of textile arts. Simple, slow, full of ease…it’s a balm to work with thread and a bit of cloth. Small is beautiful! <3

    • Thank you so much dear Zann, you are such an inspiration to me. I have long followed you and loved to see what you were doing, your whole life is an inspiration to me, but today you made my heart soar, I feel you have saved me, I don’t know how to thank you. I love you dear Zann. Many many blessings, much love, and a gentle warm hug… <3

  2. katya taylor says

    i am thrilled that you have found the portal to engage your senses, your artfulness. this is magic, maitri. and you awakened right into it. i’m excited to see your work. i have from college days fooled around with embroidery, it is so contenting to just pull the needle and watch the floss become a line, a circle, a cross-stitch. you make me want to embroider a pillowcase, JUST for the joy of it.

    xoxo
    ka

    • Oh Katya, how wonderful! Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could stitch together? I would love that. And that picture you put up on Facebook today was amazing. Young Ka is Alana’s double! I love you honey, I’m sending you a big hug…

      M. xoxox

      • katya taylor says

        i was looking all over for a piece of embroidery i made on a pillow case during finals week in college (you know how long ago THAT was), it’s a sun sinking into the sea and gorgeous waves and colors… i have it SOMEWHERE. i was going to photograph it and send, but can’t right now put my hands on it, darn. i used to embroider chains of flowers around my t-shirt necks too. and the bibs on my denim overalls! wow, do those memories take me back. thank you.

        • Ah my darling Ka you need to embroider again! It’s never too late to embroider chains of flowers all over everything! And the whole Slow Stitching movement is lovely and meditative. I hope you’ll join me in pursuits of the needle and thread as well as the pen. What stories could come of that!

          Love you honey…

          M. xoxox

  3. I am so happy that you found something to occupy your hands, that’s exactly what I did when my I was really struggling….I made someone I cared for dearly a doll and that someone was you….that’s why I sent her, it helped me too.❤️❤️❤️❤️

    • Oh dear Ellie, you’ve no idea how much I treasure the doll you sent me, she is pure magic. I was just looking at her again this morning. She is in my front room and a focal point for the whole room. I treasure her. Thank you so much, and yes, something about stitching gently and slowly is so heart-healing. Are you still sewing and making dolls? You are so gifted.

      Much love and a gentle warm hug to you Ellie… <3

      • I have only made 3 of those dolls, one for you, one for another friend and one for myself….I have recently started making rejected dolls, very small odd dolls that fit into the palm of your hand, all hand stitched. If you are familiar with any of the “Gritty Jane” dolls…they will be looking similar to that. I love the “Gritty Jane” characters.

        ❤️❤️❤️Ellie

        • Oh Ellie I love tiny handstitched dolls. I have made them and want to again. And I don’t know Gritty Jane but I will look her up right now!

          Hugs to you sweet one…

          Maitri

  4. What a wonderful discovery for you, Maitri.

  5. Maitri, I thought I left a post earlier, but don’t see it. Anyway, I have a lot I mean a LOT of fabric, unfortunately none vintage but if any would be helpful for you I can send you a lot. Email me your address and let me know what in particular you are interested in. I have quite a bit of satin and knit from the Snow White project and lots of small pieces I have saved fro doll clothes but could never sew it all up. I have embroidery thread I will probably never use and ribbon. If this is a repeat, I’m sorry, but I didn’t want you to miss out on free fabric if you want it.

    • Oh dear Paula what a tremendous gift it would be, any fabric suitable for embroidery or making small handstitched dolls, soft little rag doll sort of dolls, I would just appreciate anything you don’t need, it would be such a blessing in my life. I will send you my address in Messenger.

      Much love to you angel…

      Maitri

      • Actually your physical address would probably be better as it is likely a large box and UPS would work better for you. No need to lug it to the car to the house, etc. It is my pleasure. I wish I was close enough to bring you a sewing machine and give you lessons but well, that can’t be. As soon as the ferrets are in bed after playtime I will get to work. I am fostering 2 youngsters along with my old man. The boy is on steroids and has been a long time so we are hoping to ween him off so he and his sister can be adopted. Little sis is a bit of a biter so I am hoping to rehabilitate her. She understands “no” and backs off. I handle her a lot in the hope she will get out of the nipping habit. Poppin, my old fella, is so happy to have company. this is good for him too.

        • Hey honey I did send you my physical address via Messenger at FB. I’m glad Poppin is still doing so well. I hope everything works out with the 2 new little ones. I love you sweet pea, and I appreciate the things you are sending so much… <3

  6. This is beautiful! May you find solace, peace, and pure enjoyment in your stitching. xxx

  7. Sue O'Kieffe says

    My first medium was embroidery, ever since high school at least, so I know the joy of thread on cloth too. I know the healing power of doll making and the meditative quality of yarn in hand. I am glad you have found your way back to all of this through stitchery. May you find peace, calm and joy.

    • Thank you dear Sue, I am longing to begin, I think it will be very healing for me.

      I hope you are well honey, I think of you often… <3

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