And finally, in the middle of the night, after suffering so terribly I absolutely didn’t know how I would make it and was filled with such high anxiety and absolute terror over Pugsley, and what to do about a thousand different things now that he is an only dog, something came over me. I can only describe it as a kind of peace, a gentle calm. Delilah is gone, she was suffering terribly and now she is at peace. There was no other choice. And — and this is huge — I absolutely feel her here with us.
One of the most terrible things in the world is when you are holding your baby in your arms one day and the next morning they call to tell you her ashes are there. It just isn’t possible. When the physical body is gone so, it would seem, are they. But as I listened to a 2 hour interview with an animal communicator this morning talking about the afterlife of pets I knew that I agreed with what she was saying. Everyone has their own beliefs but I know in my heart that this is true. Delilah’s little spirit is with us, will always be with us. And I think there is a chorus of angels all around me here, the other 10 pugs I have adopted, my big dog Moe, and all the others. Pugsley may now be an “only dog” but we are not alone.
And then, at almost the very end of the interview, the woman said something that I was coming to myself and it was good to have it affirmed. She talked about how people want to hurry up and adopt another dog so that when the one dog left passes they, the human, will not be alone, but that truly, the little senior, the one left, would not prefer that this be the case. Pugsley and I have traveled a long road together. And he has a collapsed trachea we have been treating for a year and a half. Bringing the wrong dog in could be detrimental to him, even shorten his life. I won’t do that to him. I have never, ever, in my whole life, been completely alone without an animal companion, or multiple animal companions. Never. But the day is going to come, and I hope no time soon, when Pugsley’s time comes and I will indeed be alone, hopefully not for long. But adopting another dog “for Pugsley” wouldn’t do him any good. Even when Delilah was here, as both Noni and Rachel saw when they stayed with them, Pugsley would get anxious. It is the boy that he is.
Next is the issue about what I will do now when I have to leave him. Yesterday he went on a supplement that is supposed to be very beneficial for anxiety. Our vet highly recommended it and I picked it up and got him started on it right away. But more when I went to get the supplement and pick up Delilah’s ashes I took him with me because I was afraid to leave him alone. He was so terribly anxious the crate (and it is huge, it takes up the whole back seat of my Honda Element and on several occasions held 4 pugs at once) was nearly rocking off the seat. On Sunday I left him for 20 minutes just to run over to the little grocery store that’s about 2 minutes from me. He was fine when I got back, very excited to see me, anxious perhaps, but not in a life-threatening way. In the middle of the night I knew with certainty that I would not take him with me to therapy tomorrow as my dear therapist offered. I will be gone for an hour and a half tops, and at home, in his familiar surroundings with his bed and blanket and toys and familiar smells and all the rest I believe he will be more at peace than if I take him out again, in the crate, to my therapist’s office, a strange place. No, Pugsley will stay at home.
There is a lot to figure out and I am just figuring it out one day at a time. I know that with him being an only boy now my life will change. I will be able to go out to do what I need to do — I leave rarely anyway — but I will not do a 5 hours out stint when I try to get all of my conceivable errands done in one day so I don’t have to go out again soon. That’s what I have done on Wednesdays. Go to therapy, grocery shop at Costco and the grocery store, pick up meds, etc. I will break up the errands and spread them out so when I do go it will be for shorter stints. I believe that he will be okay.
And another thing, and the biggest thing of all, is that when I am all upset and anxious and falling to pieces he is more anxious. Once, by some miracle, by the grace of God, I came to these decisions in the middle of the night, he calmed down. He is incredibly calm and peaceful today. We both are.
And I know this, this day is a gift. Grief is a process and there will be days I will just break down again over losing Delilah. There is no easy way to do this. But my girl is gone, no one, no other dog, could replace her, ever, and getting another dog wouldn’t help Pugsley. My vet thought so, and so do I. The decision has been made. There will be no other dog in my life now as long as I have Pugsley which I hope will be a good long time. He is my angel, my sweet boy, and it’s all about what’s best for him now. And Delilah is with us, she is a felt presence here, and somehow, having truly recognized this, I have taken a breath and begun to relax. A little.
Please keep Pugsley and I in your prayers. We are both at the beginning of a long road. But somehow in the middle of the night something shifted. This will not be easy but we will be okay, we are okay. Marie Forleo said, “Everything is figureoutable,” and it truly is. We will figure things out one day at a time. We have begun.
what a beautiful relief. i’m so glad you and pugsley are finding peace in your lives, little by little.
xo
ka
Thank you sweet Katya, and little by little it is. It is a process and one that can’t be rushed. After I put this blog post up I had to go over to the clinic where Delilah was being treated the last week and a half of her life. I spent a lot of money there and, 2 days before she died, was given several refills of medications. 4 of them were unopened and they said I could return them and get my money back. It was a drop in the bucket, about $90 of over $1000 spent there, but it was something, every little bit helps. But there, in that clinic, where I went back and forth with her several times I started crying, I couldn’t stop. And then, the most incredible thing happened. A tiny adorable little white dog ran across the room to me, so incredibly sweet. She knew. Her owner was so kind, I was crying and said I had just lost my dog, and she said that she, her little dog, knew. Animals are amazing, and it was such a comfort. I made it back out to my car after the meds were returned positively sobbing. And then I sat for a little bit, and then I drove home. Pugsley was very happy to see me but okay having been left. I wasn’t gone but about 40 minutes. Another step forward for Pugsley and I.
I just ate my lunch, leftovers from last night, and shared bits of chicken with my little boy. He has gone to sleep beside me. We are making it through another day, bit by bit. It is heartbreaking, but we will make it….
M. xoxox
What a beautiful blog post, you’ve brought tears to my eyes. I truly believe you’ve made the right decision. As you begin to relax, little Pugsley will start to relax too. I’m sure Delilah is still with you in spirit, with all your other angel pets. I always feel that with my own pets after they’ve passed, their spirit is still here in all their favourite places. It’s as if they’re still with me, just out of sight. I’m sending you so much love dear Maitri, and keeping you and Pugsley in my prayers. You’re very brave. xxx
Thank you dear Jenny, you are very kind. I appreciate the love and prayers and gentle kindness, it truly means more than I can say. Please keep the prayers coming, we really need them now…
Such a relief to see that you are embracing your loss in your heart along with Pugsley. I too believe your precious darlings spiritual presence never leaves you, they just dispose of the painful body as we all do. It’s unbearablely painful and that is all part of the love you had for her adorable physical presence. You have a connection that goes beyond the physical that you can never lose. I am so grateful to hear of people like you who treat their pets as equals and see their beautiful soul and not cast them off as “just an animal” as so many do now a days. I’m glad you’re embracing your grief. Much love to you dear heart. ❤️🙏🏻❤️
Thank you dear Ellie, and oh no! “Just an animal?” I don’t even like the word “pets” because I think it diminishes the relationship which is huge, deep, and profound. I call my beloveds my animal companions, and since I was a little girl, abused from 4-18, it has always been these dear animals that have saved me, mainly dogs. Many a night I went to sleep clutching my little one, crying into his or her fur. My whole life above and beyond everything else it has been my animal companions that have saved me. And yes, my small girl’s gentle spirit is here with us now, I know she is here, and that brings me peace…
I’m so delighted this peace has come to you dear Maitri. A new day is dawning for you and Pugsley <3
Yes dear Moira, peace is coming in but it waxes and wanes. I wrote to Katya above about breaking down at the clinic just after posting this when returning unopened medications they had given me 2 days before Delilah died. It is a process, but it has begun, and the moments of peace are a relief and a blessing. God willing there will be more. We will heal, Pugsley and I, and we will go on…
Ginger crossed in 2013 and we are just now giving serious thought to finding another baby. It took John’s cancer diagnosis, surgery, and recovery to bring us to this place. Grief takes its own time and you just cannot fight it. Have you considered a stroller for Pugsley? Ginger used one as her walking became less stable. We put one of her favorite blankets in it (one of Liz’s baby blankets) and she could be zippered in safe from other animals and little fingers. If you would like, I can look into our storage units and find it for you…we could surely find a way to get it to you from NJ. I think about you every day and pray that you can have your boy with you as you both navigate the grieving process…
Thank you dear Karrie. I do remember when you lost Ginger, what a terrible loss. I am glad that you are opening your heart to another baby. I will some day too but not while I am blessed with my little boy still here. And I appreciate the offer of the stroller but we don’t need it now, or yet, and honestly I have so little free space I wouldn’t know where to put it. If the offer is still open and we one day need it I will let you know. Bless you for thinking of us. I hold you and John and your family in my heart and prayers. Much love and many blessings to you all…
Dear Maitri, I am so so glad that you finally felt your angels around you and your dear pugs too. You also received wonderful guidance from them. I have been visualizing your angels around you all this difficult time too. It is really hard to hear guidance or feel them when we are so upset. Of course we need to feel what we need to feel in times of fear, anxiety and grief. Yes you will go through some bad days too but maybe on one of those days you can remember the peace you felt today and build on it even if it is only a little.
Much Love, Jean
Thank you dear Jean, the angels were surely with me in the middle of the night and as we started our day, but I guess you didn’t read what I wrote in answer to Katya above. Just after putting this post up I had to go to the clinic where Delilah was being treated by the specialist several times over the last 10 days of her life to return meds they had given me that hadn’t even been opened, and while there I just broke down. So many other people with their dogs and my little girl gone. But then a truly angelic being, a tiny white dog, ran across the room to me as if to comfort me. I swear to you she was an angel for sure. She was a shih tzu/maltese mix and just precious and so sweet and she kept coming to me. I was crying and her owner, a dear woman, came to me and I told her Delilah had died and she said her little dog knew that, animals know these things, they are so sensitive. All day I have thought that after my Pugsley passes, which I hope will not be for some time, that might be a wonderful little kind of dog to have. My heart has been broken too many times losing beloved pugs. But this tiny white girl came rocketing over to me on 3 legs, one foot was bandaged up, but she came right to me a few times and was obviously trying to comfort me. Angels come in so many guises. Such a blessings….
You are such a gifted writer, Maitri. I can see a healing process has begun and I am glad for you. Love to you and Pugsley.
Thank you so much dear Marge, healing has begun. Still, it’s been a rocky day with tears, but good moments too, times, like when I wrote this post, when I can see a little light coming in. It is a beginning. Healing has begun, it just takes time. Thank you for being here dearheart…
I am so glad that you are transitioning into a more peaceful place even if ever so gradually. I have no doubt Delilah is with you and helping you find your footing in a world where she cannot be present with you. Bless you and dear little Pugsley. I hope every day brings you a little more peace.
Thank you dear Maggie, it feels like slow progress. Last night I was very afraid, so much that needs to be done looms so large I don’t know how to cope or what to do. I’m so glad you’re there and I’m going to miss your presence this week when you’re gone so much. I love you honey…