I had a completely different blog post planned. It was all set up here, graphics inserted, thoughts aligned, but as I kept trying to get it written the phone kept ringing. So many people called today. A lot of good news, tender news, poignant things, celebratory things, things that made me cry, things that made me think, things that made me wonder how to move forward. I’m still thinking, and the blog post I had started I put aside until another day.
I could say all kinds of things. But like today when I spoke to two different neighbors and we talked about this time we each kind of smiled and shook our heads and said, in essence, right now, here, in Wilmington (Post Hurricane Florence) we all have our stories. As I talked to one neighbor, looking back over my shoulder toward my house looking at a huge hardwood tree that overhangs the back of my house with gigantic dead branches dangling and so many other trees and branches that need to be taken down, and knowing that I won’t even be able to think about even those things for awhile now because one week ago my tiny Delilah ended up with an emergent situation that we are still dealing with and will be for some time, it struck me — that is life — at least that is my life right now, and will be for some time. I kept hoping and wanting and trying to make everything “normal” but the “normal” I knew is gone. Where do I go from here?
What I said, what we all said, in essence, was that “this is my story and we all have our stories, and we are all doing the best that we can.” And you know what? Even I, with this 2nd year of daily blogging, making it such a BIG DEAL to do this daily blogging, but struggling, in the face of lack of sleep and too many hard things piling up, wonder if this blogging is all so important after all? Well, obviously it is important to me, I’m still here, but I have been buffeted about by more than I could have ever dreamed and in this moment I just don’t know what to do with any of it.
I can tell you that I care, I care deeply. I can tell you that I have been doing work that matters to me, and I have, that is absolutely true, but I can also tell you that I have sometimes held fast and pushed myself to try to carry on in the face of well, let’s see how to put this, the Universe perhaps saying, “That was a good idea but I have other plans for you.” When so many things happen, when so much piles up, you wonder.
I will say this, I am not making any decisions about anything. And you have no idea how healthy that is for me to say that, because the bipolary part of me has historically wanted to leap into a decision just to HAVE a decision because uncertainty felt scary. But I have been dealt a brutal reality. What with a hurricane and a sick little dog and financial considerations and life changes around me that I have no control over, I have fought hard to try to hold on and keep on keeping on, but the harder I try to push forward, to try to maintain some kind of status quo to try to (and I am well aware that this may be in my own mind only) make other people happy the more it all seems to be unraveling. There is a lesson here. I can’t quite see clearly what it is, but it is like the thing I have so often talked to my students about over the last decades. It is a Magic 8 Ball kind of time.
You remember the Magic 8 Ball? Of course younger people know them too, they still make them, but not like the ones we had when I was young. I almost bought one, sometime in the last year, just to have one, from a sense of nostalgia, but was shocked to find out that while they looked the same they are very different. It is a simple black ball that has an “8” on it, the premise being that you ask it a question and turn it over for the answer. There is a little window on the bottom and when you turn it over an answer comes up from the murky depths. When I was young the answers were, ‘Yes, No, Maybe?” The ones I saw had a multitude of answers. It ruined everything. In life we don’t have lots of answers. Life is more ambiguous than that. Yes, No, or Maybe is sufficient. It doesn’t really answer anything, but it doesn’t need to, because there really are no answers, only living life, day by day, as best we can.
I have stopped frantically searching for answers. I don’t have any and no one can hand them to me. I can tell you this, it is an autumn night, I am tired, so tired, my little pugs are snoring beside me. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I have this night, and on this night I am wishing you well, and I am doing my best, and I am making no promises, nor will I live with any regrets. I will do what I can, I will let go of the rest, and I will accept, with gratitude, the gifts each day brings, and there are many.
The days ahead will hold much, there are only 2 months left in the year. I have no expectations, I just want to live each day as best I can. That, in and of itself, is an amazing gift. I will make no promises, I will allow all of life to flow in, I will do the best that I can. There can be nothing more than this. It is enough.
yes it is enough. to be who you are,doing what you do, what you have to do, what you love to do, what you are called to do, that is life, that is the magic and the heartbreak, the consolation and the victory. you are living it, dear maitri. and as long as you can share it with us, we will be grateful. and when and if the day comes when you choose not to, because you are doing something else, you will know it then, and we will accept it then.just as we accept sometime the sun shines, sometime it rains, sometime a hurricane blows things down, sometimes magic happens.
i so appreciate your line “I don’t have answers, and no one can hand them to me.”
no, but we can all be a comfort to each other as the questions come, and we do our best to find the path forward.
sending hugs
Thank you darling Ka, I am so tired, I was up and down with Delilah all night, gave her meds and walked her at 6:30 and we went back to sleep for awhile. Today Noni is coming to stay with them so I can go to therapy, vote, and go pick up more pain medication for Delilah. And tonight is Halloween and I have looked so forward to it but now I am worried what I will do when trick or treaters come to the door if I am having to walk or care for the dogs. I will do the best I can do. I have pumpkins and cute little lights on the porch and candy to give out and even a big pumpkin necklace that lights up for fun that I got before Delilah got hurt and I was so excited but now I’m just tired. Today is literally a one moment at a time kind of day and I have to get a blog post up here shortly or there won’t be time today at all. No, I don’t have any answers, but I’m sure that continuing to blog will be an important thing for me to do. As with all the hard things last year blogging gave me something to hold onto. It is now. And so on I go.
I love you so much and I miss you. Pray that we see some ease here soon. I am so tired…
M. xoxox
You are a wonderful example Maitri. I get your message loud and clear. Sometimes we just put too much on ourselves, take on too much, or try to do it in a non-helpful way. I know now that I put myself under so much stess over my costume job and while it turned out well i paid a big price. I was so exhausted I made myself sick. I need to learn your lesson: you have to take care of yourself. I have to take care of myself. Rest and recover and do what you have to do. You will not be loved any less if you take time out to take care of yourself and your “kids”
Thank you dear Paula and I’m so sorry that you have been so stressed. It’s wonderful to be able to do something that we love and care so much about, like my Sunday Night Writing Group for me. I love teaching, and I absolutely adore these women in the class, but it takes a lot of time and energy through the week to write the material and prepare and right now I am on round the clock duty with Delilah, not just meds and care all day but I was up with her all through the night last night, giving meds at 6:30 a.m. and taking her out, it keeps going and she is my priority, there simply is no time to think about writing an outline right now, at least not today, when Noni will be coming to stay with the babies so I can go to therapy, vote, get more pain meds for Delilah and tonight is Halloween and trick or treaters who will be so sweet but I even dread having to answer the door if I am in the middle of having to care for Delilah. I have looked so forward to this day. I hope it works out so I can enjoy it. And I can’t believe tomorrow will be November. Lordy, time is rocketing by. I want it all to slow down. The only way to do that is go moment by moment, not look ahead or behind. That’s what I need to try to do. You should too. Get some rest and take care honey. And much love and a gentle warm hug to you…
Even when you’re bone-weary you always write so beautifully. Autumn is a natural time for reflection, for looking back over the past year, and what a year you’ve had! “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”… You’re right not to make any big decisions while you’re feeling so tired. When the time comes, you’ll know what feels best for you. Happy Halloween, dear Maitri! Much love to you and Delilah and Pugsley. xxx
Thank you so much sweet Jenny, it has been a year indeed, and mostly a good year and very many things that I am deeply grateful for but since the hurricane I just seem not to have been able to get my bearings, and there is still so much damage here to deal with, and it is overwhelming, and then this thing happened with Delilah and I’m just plain flat out. Thank you for the gentle love and support, it means so much, more than you could possibly know.
And Happy Halloween honey, I hope I will be able to enjoy it tonight, I’ve been so excited to see the little ones. I pray that all goes well and that Delilah has a peaceful evening…