“O snail
Climb Mount Fuji
But slowly, slowly!”
Kobayashi Issa
It is human nature to want things to return back to normal as quickly as possible after a major upheaval but the truth is after something as huge as a major hurricane blowing through that left incredible destruction in every direction in its wake “returning to normal” is not something that will happen quickly, and, more realistically, many things will never be the same again. The whole landscape of the town has changed. There is no finding our way back to something, there is only finding our way forward to what our new normal will be, and that takes time.
And then, while you may have been involved in things that were beautiful and meaningful to you before the hurricane passed through, now, because of what one might be dealing with, and will be dealing with for some time, it is not possible to continue on in the same way as you did in the pre-hurricane days. This is what I am grappling with, and it has shaken me to my core, and I have shed many tears. I don’t know what to do. I am trying to find my way.
Now, you see, for me, as a person who struggles with bipolar disorder, I do not deal well with uncertainty which makes me feel frightened and insecure. I want things settled, and now! And in the past I have leapt into decisions that were not good ones simply to have a decision made and some certainty. This has not served me well and nothing is certain now, and I am having to learn to climb Mount Fuji, slowly, slowly. Tonight I will make a baby step in that direction, a teeny, tiny baby step. And it won’t get me as far as I want to go, it won’t answer all the questions, and create the definite, secure outcome I would like to have, but it will be something, it will create forward movement in a new direction.
Today has been a hard day in anticipation of what I have to do. I cried hard and long. Two dear friends helped me get through the day via emails and phone calls and video chats. Bless them, I wouldn’t have made it through without them. Finally, I have to face what lies ahead, know that I can’t make everybody happy, and do the best that I can do, and I will. I am, slowly, ever so slowly, making my peace with that.
There are pumpkin days amidst uncertain times. I am grateful for the pumpkins. Every day cannot be a pumpkin day, but that’s okay. I will get through this, and life goes on.
Big hugs, Maitri. Do whatever feels best for you, in this moment. You’ve been through such a lot. I shall always remember those pumpkins on your porch, and your trip to fetch them, so beautiful… Sending much love. xxx
Thank you Jenny honey, that lovely pumpkin night, going to the pumpkin patch and bringing home my pumpkins, was an amazing thing. It’s the kind of thing, these lovely times, that keep us going when the time all around those times is so hard. May we all have “pumpkin days” to keep us going as we move through life.
Blessings and love to you dearheart…
lovely blog. you managed to rise to the occasion, and i’m not at all surprised!
the pumpkin days do keep us going, so vibrant, round, fecund, fruit that brings light and smiles to people’s faces. is pumpkin a fruit or vegetable? somewhere inbetween i guess.
carry on, dear maitri, you talented, wise, kind-hearted, HUMAN!
xo
ka
Thank you sweet Katya, I appreciate your kind words so much. And yes, I adore pumpkins, they speak of harvest and autumn and all things that I love this time of year. This just plain make me happy. And yes so I did the blog post and I taught tonight. Each day we do what we can, and on we go. Tonight I am very tired, as you know I lost one of my best friends and am reeling from the shock. I suppose I have reached the time my mother used to talk about as being so difficult, when you get old enough that your friends start dying around you. This is hard to bear. Tonight I am so sad…
Big Love to you as you grieve!
I can relate: Himself’s dad passed three weeks ago, then my uncle passed two weeks ago. Both of us are still processing, and will be for a while…
Oh dear Victoria again I am so sorry for your losses. Lordy these things are just shockingly hard. Love and peace to you darling V. Please take gentle care of yourself…