The Sanctuary Within You…

Can you begin to feel it?

When this whole matter of sheltering in place began — other than all of the matters of health and the worldwide impact of course — I thought my life, God-willing I stayed healthy, was not going to change much. As an agoraphobic woman who rarely ever leaves the house I live in a world of solitude and silence. I am here with my animals, writing and painting, working in the garden, cooking, doing the rounds of household chores. Having to stay at home in the sense of not leaving the house was normal life for me. I did not see much changing. But then I began to feel it, hear it, sense it…

In Siddhartha, Herman Hesse wrote…

“Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.”

Again, this feels familiar to me, but something else, something deeper is happening. The whole world, those of us who are staying at home, are getting quieter, or so it seems to me. I feel a stillness inside that is much different than what I usually feel. I am a very quiet woman by nature, I can sit, and close my eyes, and breathe in and out, feel my body relax, perhaps holding a special stone in my palm, and I am in a place of peace and tranquility, but now, well, it is as though I have gone fathoms deeper.

Today it is in the low 60’s, it is sunny and there is a gentle breeze. I opened the windows to the lovely fresh air and sat quietly, just listening. I hear the breeze rustling the leaves of the trees, my many windchimes, on the front porch and deck just outside my studio windows, tinkling and chiming from light as air to deep, resonant tones. Bird wings flutter at the 5 feeders just outside the windows here. The plants look greener. The whole world feels as though it has come to a gentle pause, I feel people around the world breathing with me, praying with me, as we all pray for our brothers and sisters around the world, the old and the young and everyone in between. My whole body relaxes so deeply it is as though I am melting into my chair and I can no longer feel my body. I feel only my spirit, the essence of who I am, a breath, a sigh, I sense that oneness that sages and teachers have talked about through the ages, we are all connected, we are all one. May my peace be yours, may we hold each other in our hearts, may we send and receive love and healing and kindness to all around the world, people of every color, creed, wherever they are in the world, let us pray for them, and may our hearts open and pour out that which is a healing balm. That love is what we need most of all right now.

A bird is singing a beautiful, sweet song. A plane goes overhead and I wonder who, in these times, is flying anywhere? My own parakeets cheep and twitter and talk and sing in their own way, and Molly breathes softly sleeping beside me. My little gentlemen, the betta fish on either side of my computer, swim slowly around their tanks. I put my finger to the glass and Oliver swims to me. We pause. We feel each other.

This global crisis looms large in all of our lives and yet the only way to survive it is to slow down, become quiet, watch our breath, and feel connection with the tiniest creatures. Molly and I go outside and I pick little wildflowers, and watch ants going in and out of their anthills, and see a feral cat perched on the fence, and the long heavy windchimes that sound like temple bells make me stop for a moment and just listen. Listen and feel and breathe. Another bird, another song, a squirrel climbing slowly down the camellia bush just outside my window. The ground is littered with red camellias turning brown. Soon they will be gone and flowers will be blooming everywhere around the cottage. Today I finished pruning all of the old roses I planted 10 years ago. I cut them back hard, they had become sadly overgrown and all but stopped blooming. A good pruning, and feeding regularly will get them blooming again. I plant seeds by the thousands in an attempt to create a pollinator garden to take care of the birds and bees and insects of all types. And making beauty is an act of love. May we give back to Mother Earth whom we have all too sadly neglected. May we return to the garden, and read books, and breathe in the silence, feel the earth pulsing beneath us, breathe and pray with those who are taking their last breath, and the new ones being born, and all who are suffering and afraid, feeling alone. We are not alone. Let us gather in our hearts, let us hold everyone in the world as close as we can inside of us even while we cannot see them face to face.

I return to the practice of Tonglen, the Buddhist meditation practice about “sending and receiving,” breathing in the pain and suffering of the world and breathing out, sending out, healing, love, and kindness to all. It is a deeply transformative practice. Breathing in the suffering of others we cannot get lost in our own worries and fears, breathing out love and healing we ourselves are healed.

I am sending each and every one of you so much love, from my inner sanctuary to yours, the place we can meet in our hearts and minds, the place we can always “retreat to be ourselves.”

May we all do the work of sending and receiving now, let us heal and be healed, let us love and be loved. Let us be quiet. Let us pray.