What I want, of course, is for someone to tell me how to make this all easier. No one can.
What I want is to have someone tell me that at some point in time my mental health challenges will be challenges no more, that there will never be another hurricane, that I will not have to spend the rest of my life alone because someone will fall in love with me, warts and all, and we will be a blissful, happy couple holding hands through the rest of our lives and I will never have to be afraid again. What I want is for someone to tell me that despite it all what I write about does matter, does help people, that a publisher will approach me, based on the work I have done here going into 12 years and nearly 2 million visits to this blog and will realize that what I write about matters, that I do help people, and will want to publish not only a book coming out of this blog but a multiple book deal, will offer me a way to know that I will be okay financially and don’t have to be afraid about money every day of my life. What I want is for someone who has followed me for a long time and benefited by what I have shared here and who has huge financial resources to come forward and say, “You have helped me so much, now I will help you. I will pay to take all the trees down and repair all that needs to be repaired and you don’t have to be afraid.”
What I want is a fantasy. Wouldn’t that be nice, for all of us?
What I have is a life like everyone else has a life. I have just been through a devastating hurricane and in your life you have been through terribly hard things too. We are all afraid, at times, for a multitude of reasons. We all want magical forces to move in and make everything better but you know what, we are all going to have periods of suffering and struggling and being afraid and having hard times. I hate this part of it, but this is life.
But…
Last night my dear friend Noni was here. We had a splendid meal and our friendship held moments of unbounded grace, love, and delight. My daughter Rachel talked to me for quite awhile yesterday and was here to be with me for awhile today. My therapist Helene is standing ready to see me on Monday to help me, and a whole host of beautiful souls wrote to me after yesterday’s hard hard post to help me through this dark and difficult time. And I still feel badly about suggesting that people should pick something and stick with it and no excuses but if I did not show up here every single day (except for the time I had no power or internet because of the hurricane which was beyond my control) even when it is hard, even when my beloved Tanner pug died, even through days that were harder than any of you will ever imagine, I would not have all this help, all this love, all this grace now. That’s why I want you to put aside all your reasons for why you can’t do this and do it anyway, but it’s not my place to tell you you have to do that. I will, however, tell you, that for all of the reasons you think you can’t do it, and perhaps you can’t, what you are missing for not doing it are riches beyond compare. You all have saved me, this blog has saved me. I will keep on keeping on through the end of this 365 days and into the next 365 days and with the exception of natural disasters and power outages I will be here.
In the middle of writing this post my sweet son Aaron FaceTimed me with my darling 2 1/2 year old grandson Atlas. They made me smile and laugh and there was just so much love and joy in those moments I felt overcome with gratitude. This is life too. Life holds it all. That is what I have to remember. Life holds everything, the worst and the best. In the dark nights during and after the hurricane somewhere a baby was laughing. There is so much more to life than the scary, hard, dark moments.
Next weekend Aaron and baby Atlas and my darling daughter-in-law Stephanie will be here for a visit. They were supposed to be here a few days after the hurricane but of course couldn’t get here then. But next weekend we will all hug and love each other and eat meals together and celebrate the joys of family, and Aaron is going to bring his tools and see what he can do to help me here. Recovery will be long and hard but help comes in many ways and will continue to over time.
Today was a better day than yesterday. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but in this moment I am okay. I am grateful for that.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Bless you dear Maitri ❤️ Life sends constant reminders of circumstances we cannot change or episodes we have no control over. All we can do is handle each of them gracefully and say thank you for the lesson. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through, I’m so glad that you tiptoe through and let everything pass. My heart is with you always❤️
Thank you so much Ellie, you are very dear. I hope life is allowing you some gentle days now. May we each find these shining moments amidst the rubble. Surely they are there…
Dear Maitri, I am glad today is a better day for you. I love what you wrote about what you want. I wish you could get at least some of these wonderful fantasies, I truly do.
What I want is for all this horrible political stuff to end and for love to prevail. And for people to love each other and help rather than fight and bicker and tell lies.
I could go on and on but I won’t because this is your blog. Maybe I’ll blog about my wants too.
But again I am so glad for you that today is a better day and that you have so much support and love.
Much Love, Jean
Thank you so much dear Jean, and yes, I think all of our hearts are so full now. May there be healing and peace for us all, some day, some how, and yes, use your blog. Tremendous clarity and healing can happen there. This blog has brought so many miracles in my life, I wish everyone could find this in their own lives…
It’s always about acknowledging and recognizing the blessings, love, and support, isn’t it? – in spite of the hardships, bleak times, or paralyzing anxiety — we handle them with what grace we can muster, and sometimes it’s with more grace, sometimes less.
The hurricane and its aftermath are truly challenges on so many levels — but I’m sure that you’re right about continuing the writing of a blog post day after day has had reaped rewards through the difficulties that you hadn’t imagined, nor could I, but I love the discipline of mind and thought that it represents. Your voice and words (and this practice) certainly have inspired me over the years.
I’m so glad that you’ll have Aaron, Stephanie, and your grandson visiting soon!
Yes Lisa, there are always blessings, but it is only human not to be able to see them very well in the early, hard, dark days. It is a relief to be able to see some of them now.
And yes, the discipline of daily blogging has been life-saving for me. I have been blogging for a very long time, since 1998. 20 years now, before blogging was “a thing” and I have had many different blogs but this is my longest running blog, in it’s 12th year now, and though there were times when I did blog daily for the most part this last year is the first time I have maintained a daily practice in this way (I started a 365 day mindfulness journey in 2013 and maintained it for many months but it was interrupted by the fire in February 2014.) and it has been eye-opening. Continuing on is so important to me simply for the reason that it helps me maintain a balance in my life I haven’t had otherwise and through the worst of times it has been something to hold onto, something that gave me a sense of accomplishment when I could barely get through the day in other ways. It truly is one of my deepest blessings.
And yes to see Aaron and Steph and the baby next weekend will be a tremendous joy. I can’t wait…
Maitri,
So glad today is better, even a little hope is a good thing. I love your list of dreams. I hope you get some or all of them . Couldn’t hurt to ask, ask again, and again as SARK says. It seems to me that you are living the serenity prayer. You move forward in grace for all you have endured. Glad you are having a visit soon from your son. We are all holding you in prayers and good karma.
Gentle hugs,
Lauren
Thank you sweet Lauren. It is an amazing time. The dogs and I were up and out a little after 7 and here came some giant trucks down the street, FEMA. They cut down several big hanging pine branches in my front yard near the street that were hanging dangerously and were very scary. I was amazed. I thought I would have to pay to have those down. There are still a lot that I am going to have to have taken down, they only take the ones that could fall in the street but they did back in and take a giant one down that everyone was afraid of and they really weren’t supposed to come onto the property to do it. Another step forward. The journey of a thousand miles begins with these single steps. I am so grateful for every little thing…
Keep those prayers coming. They are surely helping…
Love,
Maitri
i am happy because the rain is falling beautifully, as i begged for it to, and i don’t have to go out in the heat and water everything. i am happy because my gardener’s helper came and washed ALL the outside windows, and the next day, ALL the inside windows, and “I can see clearly now.” My house has walls and walls of windows, so it makes a huge difference. and my plants are joyous. and i am joyous too.
i LOVED your fantasy, Maitri! your opening paragraph. Someone to pay for all the trees to be cleared away, someone to love you “warts and all,” a book publisher to beg you on bended knee to be allowed to be the one to produce your wisdom books! I think it’s called treasure mapping, so don’t stop!
and keep wearing that bracelet: All will be well, All will be well. (On earth as it is in heaven.) Moment by moment, rain drop by rain drop, sun ray by sun ray, friend by friend, meal by meal, all the blessings of life… through hard times and good times…
YOU ARE LOVED!!!
Thank you darling Ka, treasure mapping, vision boarding, and just plain heartfelt cries to the universe. And today, as you will see in my post to Lauren above, some big strapping FEMA guys took down some hanging branches in my front yard! Little by little, and it will take a long while, there is a lot that needs to come down here, things are being taken care of.
And I love you too angel…
Hugs,
M. xoxox
maitri darlin .. once again I hear my Mom’s voice tellin me, “sis life isn’t supposed to be easy.. if it was how could you love all the good times .. how would you know how far you have grown in life, and how would you look back and see when you was a horses ass…” yup thats my mom bless her 82 years of knowledge and usually at the end she says, “Sis if that takes time to register then slowly slip a good glass of wine!”
During my alone times and my fears I do hear your voice Maitri.
This last week charlie was manic.. I was so scared of losing him… 3 am in the morning no one to talk too I was crying and I was mad at the universe .. I was going back to that last time I lost him and had to call 911…
4 am the tears stopped.
then I went into my police mode.. counting his pills, making sure he wasn’t in a crazy people chat room … checked my wine bottle and my amaretto to make sure he wasn’t in that.. I was scared beyond scare which charlie would I meet when I went in his man cave to ask him to come out …
I took a deep breath and came out sat in my chair he came out.. and ya it was loud but I got through to him.
What we both came away with he had been taking his meds cause I counted them.. his outbursts could be two things his meds arent working or his sleep… so I said I will be keeping a journal on me and on you from our meds to our sleep and what we eat.. he agreed ..
Turns out after taking all his pills and he felt he should take a sleeping pill .. we are now two days of almost normal ..
Ya know what maitri I never could have faced him without your energy filling me .. you honest truths, your gentle loves have helped me to grow and grow fast and face the fears so I could get my loving husband back.
Your love will walk into your life .. believe that cause like my Daddy said to me Sis there is someone out there for everyone and it may not be who ya thought and times will be good and bad but that is what a relationship is getting through the good and bad times.
So like the song that is playing my head right now lean on me lala we lean on each other … come girl sing it …lol love you.!
Oh dear Julia I love to hear the wise council that your mom and daddy gave you, and I love how they call you Sis. 🙂 And I’m sorry that you had another rough patch with your dear Charlie. These mental health struggles one way or another are “the gift that keeps on giving.” Just when you think you are out of the woods something will happen to knock you off your feet. I’m glad things are getting better.
I hope gentler days are ahead for you both. I’m sending you love and a gentle warm hug…
Maitri
Maitri, I can’t possibly say I’ve ever experienced something as scarey as you just have. I couldn’t say how i would have reacted. Ido believe that I have learned something by hearing your acts of heroism and hope and recovery even if in baby steps. You are such an inspiration. You are a light in the dark, a rainbow after the storm. Your friendship is a treasure. You are blessed with many people who love and support you in your struggles. You are so LOVED. I am so grateful that you are beginning to heal in baby steps. I continue to include you and your neighbors and loved ones in thought and prayers. I only regret that I am so far away. Nothing would make me happier than to share a cup of tea with you and give you a giant hug. I know I have told you that you are an inspiration and have encouraged me to grow. I remain your distant admirer. and friend
Oh Darling Beautiful Paula wouldn’t that be lovely? A cup of tea and a giant hug. Please know that I am sending you so much love and so many hugs in spirit and I appreciate your prayers, love and support so much, more than I can say. Today is another day, and it began with some help from FEMA, unexpected and so appreciated. Each day we inch forward. In the midst of calamity and chaos there are little miracles and kindnesses everywhere. Amazing days are these…
Blessings and love dearheart…
Maitri