At the end of yesterday’s blog post I wrote, “…if I can do this you can do something too. Pick one thing, do it, no excuses.” I wrote it yesterday morning and then made my lunch, scallops that I had purchased when I did my first food shopping after the hurricane. They were frozen scallops that I had thawed as per the directions in the refrigerator overnight, something I never buy because they are not really in my budget, a post hurricane treat as I did the big shopping to restock my refrigerator and freezer on Monday. They tasted pretty good when I ate them but within an hour I began getting sick. Very sick. I was terribly ill all day long. Seems that it was food poisoning. I was in tears I was so sick. Tomorrow I am returning all of the frozen fish and meat I bought. I don’t trust any of it. I was near despair. It was a hard night last night, I was up and down. Near 6, exhausted, I took a Xanax to try to relax to hopefully get some rest, and I did for a little while, but I woke up wrung out. When I looked at those words I’d written I shook my head. Who the hell am I to tell anybody “… do it, no excuses.” Well today I had lots of excuses why I wouldn’t show up here at all. I’m here, but I will never again tell anybody any damned thing they should or shouldn’t do and I am ashamed of myself for having done so.
One of the things I have suffered from coming out of long term childhood trauma is PTSD and I feel waves of PTSD sweeping through post hurricane. All of the hours here in the dark with the hurricane raging, hearing trees fall, one against the house, looking outside when it was all over and seeing trees down everywhere, through the fence, disasters in every direction. My precious little pugs suffered so terribly from the heat, panting so hard they could barely sleep at night and I was terrified I might lose my Pugsley who has a collapsed trachea. He does well on medication but not when it was nearly 90 degrees in here. We were all suffering but I wasn’t afraid for myself. I was terrified for the dogs. And the list goes on and on. Getting so sick yesterday completely undid me emotionally, I lost my moorings, nothing felt safe, even buying supposedly good food after the hurricane had given me food poisoning. Now I don’t know what to buy. I’m afraid, I am so afraid.
Thank God Rachel was here with me last night. Today dear Eleanor, a friend of Rachel’s who comes to help me a couple of times a month in the house is here today. She is helping get things cleaned up and I know that will feel good. I am doing more laundry. But I am afraid to go out, my agoraphobia is bad since the hurricane and now I have to go out again tomorrow to return all this food and buy what? I don’t know.
And I am in much better shape than many in this town. I have my home, I am not flooded out, I have damage, I don’t know where the money will come from to take down all the trees that need to come down but a number of people have sent donations that paid for getting the tree off the house, money to go toward food and some small repairs and that is a blessing. I know that one way or another I will make it through but right now, well, this blog is the one thing I will do each day and God knows I’m not sure how, but I will. But I’ll be damned if I am going to suggest to anyone else what they should do and I apologize for doing so yesterday.
Life is hard. We are all doing the best we can. We all survive any way we can figure out how to and I, like everyone else in this town, am going day by day just trying to figure it out. I hope you will forgive me for what I said yesterday. I meant well, I truly did, but it was, if you will pardon me for putting it so bluntly, a crock of shit. I can’t tell you what you can or should do, I will just encourage you to take care of yourself, do the best that you can in your own way and time to get through life feeling safe and okay. I am doing the same. And I am shaky, and I am teary, and I am just holding on. I will continue to hold on. More than that, more than one day, one moment at a time I cannot promise but I am here now.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
oh honey,once i ate some bad clams and was so sick i thought i would die, and i almost WANTED TO. i totally sympathize. something in the scallops definitely didn’t agree with you. maybe the rest was ok. the point is, you are STILL doing the best you can, still showing up here, you’ll be able to find food that won’t make you sick, and your dogs will adjust to the harnesses, and your friends and family will come through for you, and life goes on. WHEW
p.s. no apologies necessary. you said what you believed when you said it, no one is faulting you for it. you ARE a boddhisatva, and it’s ok to claim it. and also to claim that you are subject to bad things happening, like all of us, and that doesn’t take away from your wisdom!
love and hugs
your sister in suffering and in joy xo ka
Thank you Katya. I only once got this sick and we lived in Virginia then. I had eaten mussels at a restaurant and they tasted divine. We lived out in Callaway then in the mountains, a 45 minute drive home, I got sicker and sicker as I went and had to get out and throw up on the side of the road. It was YEARS before I could look at a mussel again! It is just dreadful, but I do feel better today. Thank you for your loving support. I truly am doing the best that I can and will continue to do so but whooeee, these are not easy days. I feel better this evening. Something about getting so physically ill on top of all of the emotional trauma around the hurricane and just everything that has to be dealt with and will have to be dealt with for some time kind of did me in but today is a new day. Onward I go, as do we all. I love you dear sister…
M. xoxox
So sorry Maitri that your suffering was amplified by the food poisoning experience. I do hope you were able to return the food and get something else that feels safe.
I actually didn’t even notice the ‘no excuses’ when I read the post yesterday, so it did not bother me in the slightest. However, I can appreciate your position on the matter today.
I have set up my blog page a few weeks ago but am waiting to start with you on Day 1 of your new one.
Sending love and hope your tummy has settled down.
Dear Joan, I will be returning the food tomorrow and rather than try to do one big stocking up — it’s so strange to see a refrigerator and freezer empty, one wants to stock up and feel somewhat “normal” again — I am going to buy things a little at a time until I feel that all of the stores are stocked with new food and not post-hurricane food. I may just have had a singular bad experience but it freaked me out!
And it will be lovely to have companions on the 365 day journey. Others are waiting to start with me too. Of course I couldn’t in good conscience start the new one until I had finished this one but I will start the new one immediately afterwards. It pained me to have to stop after 355 days!
Thank you so much for your love, reiki and support. It meant a lot to me.
Hugs,
Maitri
(((Big hugs!))) That sickness is the very last thing you need. Try to have plenty to drink after all that vomiting. I’m so very sorry you had that to cope with, especially when the scallops were supposed to be a special treat. I hope you have a much better night tonight, snuggled up with your pugs. Sending tons of love your way! xxx
Thank you Jenny and yes it was the last thing I needed! I adore scallops and never buy them because they are too expensive for me so it seemed rather unfair to have them be bad but nothing is “fair” here just now. We are all going through so much in so many ways. But it is past now, I’m feeling better, and so we carry on. No way out but through as they say, and we are all doing our best to do just that…
Blessings dearheart…
What a horrible experience. Something that was supposed to be a treat upset you so much. Yet here you are. I’m sorry you feel bad about something you wrote yesterday. I for one was not in any way offended. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing great.
Sending you big, big hugs xx
Thank you dear Moira honey. It was a blow, those scallops, but in the whole scheme of things people have lost homes and lives during this hurricane. I survived a very unpleasant experience with the scallops and will return the food tomorrow and carry on.
And thank you for your kind words but I was shocked at the tone of what I’d written, it seemed insensitive and I surely didn’t mean it so but it felt harsh to me today. It is an off-kilter time post hurricane and getting back here after nearly 2 weeks, it is as though I am finding my way again. I want to be gentle, always, and what I wrote didn’t, in retrospect, feel that way to me. But now I’ve said my peace and on I go. I am doing by best.
And a big hug to you too honey…
A big hug to you Maitri.
Sometimes it feels like life is all about getting knocked off the horse over and over again and getting the courage to try riding it again.
Thanks for blogging. I look forward to your posts.
…and another hug!
Thank you so much darling Suzanne, I wish I could hug you real big. It means a lot to me that you read my blog and that it means something to you. Blessings and love…
Oh, Maitri, so sorry that you had such a bad experience with food poisoning — it wouldn’t surprise me if there were issues with the freezers, but it could have been unrelated, too.
But, I’d take it all back, too!
Sending love and energy…
Thank you Lisa honey and yes it was nasty. I want to take it all back today but I have been having a really hard time with agoraphobia since the hurricane and I am getting teary just thinking about going out. They told me just to bring it back when I can and I will soon. And thank you for the love, it means a lot…
So sorry you were so sick dear Maitri. I hope you feel better and that delicious looking Portabella dish you posted on Facebook looks so yummy.
I understand your need to apologize about telling people what to do. It’s okay. No problem.
Yes of course you suffered PTSD with the hurricane!!!! It was a Trauma and you are still living it with seeing all the destruction. I hope things get easier for you. I do empathize dear. Try to be good to yourself like that wonderful meal you cooked for yourself tonight.
Much Love, Jean
Thank you Jean. You know the bipolary side of me can get swept up, “I can do this, Let’s ALL do this!!!” I mean well and I get excited and I know what it has done for me and I want everyone to benefit in the way that I have, but we are all different people and other people are doing wonderful things that I, being me, am not able to do. We must all do what we can in our own way and so yes I felt badly about it on reflection. As you can imagine the hurricane and it’s aftermath of no power for a week and all the destruction and everything that I and everyone else in this town will have to be dealing with for a long time to come has not done my mental health issues well. I don’t know how to get through this and I’m having a very hard time. One day at a time, one moment at a time, that’s the best I can do. And there are checks and balances along the way. Like writing from a full open heart one day, meaning well, but having to say, the next day, well, that wasn’t the best way to put that. I’m doing my best under the circumstances, and, as always, I appreciate your love and support. It means so much honey…
I really liked your post from yesterday, by the way — if you can commit to posting everyday, well, I’m doing that, now, too, and I’ll be getting back to art as well, after I recover from a weird laryngitis/bronchitis bout and the programs that I’m doing in the next couple of weeks.
I was going to do a drawing/watercolor today of some Rudbeckias in the front garden, but got sucked into the political craziness. At least I had a nice education committee meeting for a local land trust to pull me out of that for a couple of hours.
Thank you Lisa, I’m glad that you liked it. As I just wrote above to Jean I meant well, I really did, but I felt later it was too much for some people. It is going to take me awhile to get balanced and to regain my footing. This hurricane has torn much asunder in this town and for those of us with mental health challenges it has taken a toll. I’m sorry to have missed your return to The Sunday Night Writing Group but I’m just not ready to go back to it yet. It’s too much. What I put into writing that material and teaching the way that I do I just don’t have in me yet. I am in survival mode and may be for some time. I can make no promises yet but showing up here on the blog. This is what I can do for now. This morning it was storming again and when it started it struck terror in my heart. I am sitting here in tears now. This recovery is going to take a long time on so many levels.
I do want to say that I am so happy for you that you are getting back to your art as well. What a beautiful unfolding this is. You are doing so much and I am so happy for you honey. This is wonderful to hear…
Glad you are feeling better- food poisoning is so draining mentally as well as physically. Sending good vibes your way!
Thank you Lorraine and yes, it was pretty terrible. Ugh. But I felt better and made a nice meal last night which I will write about today. And I appreciate the good vibes. Keep them coming. I really need them right now…