There is no way any of this will be done quickly. We are all, in this town, with the stuffing kicked out of us by Hurricane Florence, picking up the pieces one tiny bit at a time.
There are hours upon hours waiting on hold on phones. There is getting on lists for assistance that may not come for weeks. There is constantly looking around at the damage and feeling as though you can’t breathe and may lose your mind and the only way to do any of this is in such tiny increments they seem invisible. Forward movement is so slow and so small there is almost nothing you can visibly track, but you have to know, you have to hold on in your heart, to the fact that you have done what you could do each day no matter how small.
I have spent the whole morning on hold. I got one tiny thing done. I am doing this blog post now because I have to leave in an hour to go to therapy, and then an errand, and then my sweet daughter Rachel will be here tonight and I will make us dinner and we are going to watch — much to our overwhelming delight — our favorite show in the whole wide world that came back on for the new season last night and which we watch together but because I don’t have cable t.v. any longer for the last year and a half we watch it the next night on Hulu. Tonight we watch the first episode of Season 3 of This Is Us and we will doubtless both cry during the show and then tell each other how madly we love it and talk about it on and on after the show is over. We are MAD about this show.
It’s these little things that save you at a time like this. With endless phone calls, more trees than you can count that need to come down for thousands of dollars you don’t have, a fence so broken you can’t use your back yard, your darling little elderly pugs confused having to walk on leashes in harnesses, and almost daily finding more things broken that need to be repaired, if you stop to add it up every day you will just simply lose your mind. One thing, one moment, one day at a time. Today it is this blog post, and therapy, and an errand, and my darling Rachel (Not to mention the 2 hours on the phone getting help this morning.). That will be my day today. My first day in perhaps a thousand to make my life right again, or as right as it will ever be here after all the devastation.
A dear friend wrote in last night after my first blog post back since the hurricane. She spoke of the fact that there is no going back, there is no making things how they once were, there is only recovering as best you can and building a new life. This is hard. We, as humans, want to slide back into familiar tracks. In the last 2 weeks those tracks were blown away, they disappeared. There is nothing familiar anymore. At 64 it is hard to wrap my mind around this. I can’t. There is no recreating what there once was. There is letting go of what you once knew, and making your way in this whole new world as bravely as you can. Bit by bit, inch by inch, piece by piece. That’s what I am doing, that’s what everyone in this town is doing.
And I am learning so much, so much more than I can say in one blog post, in fact I will be taking the whole next year to think about these things and share my thoughts. At the bottom what this is about is that no matter what you have gone through you are not the only people that are suffering. We must be very gentle with the people we call on for help. I am finding that the kindest people to me may be those people who, I am ashamed to admit, I have gotten upset in the past with having to deal with because they are obviously in call centers in a foreign country that we, in the United States, have to deal with for our pressing issues, and communication can be hard but they are doing their job as best they can. They have families to feed and maybe sick children and perhaps an elderly parent who has just died and they may be dealing with more than any of us can begin to imagine. It is coming to me each and every day that we are all suffering and struggling and afraid and doing our best. We are all moving forward one step, one moment, one day at a time. We have all had hurricanes in our lives, if not physical ones like Florence, life itself will knock us down, pick us up, toss us half way across town and stomp on us. Being unkind to someone because you don’t think they “know” what you are going through is the ultimate hubris. We are all doing our best. Please be kind to everyone.
I woke up this morning afraid. I woke up to the same thing I imagine I will be waking up to for some time. Early, very early in the mornings, we wake up to the sound of chain saws. There are thousands upon thousands of trees that must come down and be dealt with. It is too early to even have a semblance of whatever our “new normal” will be. We just do our best and keep on keeping on each and every day.
I am here. I am doing my best. I will finish this 365 day journey and start right into the next one. If you are suffering, if you are struggling, if you are afraid, I am telling you you need to pick one thing and see it through. That’s what I am doing here on my blog. I have invited others to join me with their own 365 day journey. It could change your life, it could save your life as it has mine, but in any case pick something, some one thing, and show up for it every day. You can do that, you can at least do that, if I can in the wake of this hurricane and after the whole last year when I was in such a terrible state with mental health issues the mobile crisis unit had to be called, if I can do this you can do something too. Pick one thing, do it, no excuses.
If not, why not? If not now, when? Isn’t it time?
Bless you my loves. Let’s carry on.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Dearest Maitri,
You have the strength of a superwoman. You move forward no matter how difficult. You inspire others. You think of everyone and what they need and are going through. You share your wisdom and your love with all that opt to take part. I admire you so.
Still sending prayers to my higher power. May G-d bless you and carry you through all that is to come.
Much love,
Lauren
Thank you dear Lauren, your kindness, love and support means the world to me. I don’t know how to thank you for what you have done for me. I wish I could give you a big hug. Please know that I am sending so much love and so many hugs your way. I hope you got the note I sent to you? I didn’t hear back from you after that and wanted to make sure you received it. Blessings and love dearheart…
Maitri
I am sorry, I did not get a note from you. Just knowing that I can help a little makes me happy. You are in my heart and prayers daily. Gentle hugs to you and your fur babies.
Oh Lauren I am completely horrified that you did not get my immediate thank you note. I forwarded the one I sent to you to your yahoo address. The address that was used was a different address when I received the notice, a very complicated looking address with lots of letters. I wanted you to see that I did send it! Thank you so much honey. I love you dearly. Please know that I contacted you right away!
Maitri you’re amazing, you achieve such a lot. Enjoy your special time with Rachel tonight, it’s good to have something to look forward to in the midst of everything you’re going through. Please hug your precious pugs for me! Sending hugs and much love, and continuing with prayers. xxx
Thank you so much dear Jenny, Rachel will be here soon and I am looking really forward to her coming. And the pugs and I appreciate your love, hugs and prayers so much… 🙂
i ditto what the others have written, about how strong and resilient you are, NO MATTER WHAT. you show up. you write your deepest thoughts, hopes, fears, and urge us to face our fears and take things one step at a time. you know, even in the midst of incredible turmoil, how to find your own balance, right now, in this moment.
you are a shining spirit, through it all. we are so glad you are back, talking with us.
Thank you so much darling Ka, your kind words mean so much to me. I am still easing my way in but it’s good to be here. I love you honey…
M. xoxox
Maitri, you’re always a beacon about showing up and being present.
I’m blogging daily on my new blog and have been reminded, again, by your post about trying to do art again more frequently. It’s always a process.
Congratulations on your new blogging journey Lisa, I’m so happy for you. Art is elusive for me, it seems that I dive in, get a good start, and am constantly swept back into more serious writing pursuits. Art for me is a joyful time of play and it is hard to find that place under the present circumstances. I hope, in the year ahead, to find some balance. Best of luck to you with your own art honey. I wish you well, and it is a process indeed…
Dearest Maitri… I sit here daily sending you good vibes… I anxiously await your daily blogs in my email everyday in hope that you are ok and am holding on to the strength that has seen you through many challenges over your life time.
Your are not being selfish for considering yourself in this trying time, but know that the people around you are there standing right beside you even if you can’t touch or feel them they are certainly there. We your writing group will be here upon your return, each of us capable in our own journeys path, but we started our walk with you and we will arm in arm cross the line to wherever of completion line takes us… we are your online community, each of separate entities but together as one we hold onto the day you are free to take back your mentoring role.
I see how anxious you are and know that you have many people writing notes and letters of support to you.. Dearest Maitri take each one of them notes and letters and letters and let give you the strength to carry you through your toughest days.
You are very much loved.. & you are certainly missed
Taje care of what in your here and now needs your attention, you will see on your return… that you will have your community’s awwing in your strength.
What Tanya said. 🙂 🙂 🙂
<3
Thank you so much dear Tanya you are very kind honey and I appreciate your love and support so much. It’s one day, one step at a time. This will not get fixed overnight. We must just keep on keeping on.
Blessings and love to you…
Maitri
I am sorry, I did not get a note from you. Glad to kniw it worked. A first for me. Just knowing that I can help a little makes me happy. You are in my heart and prayers daily. Gentle hugs to you and your fur babies.
Lauren honey as I said above I did write to you immediately. I forwarded that first note to you this morning at your yahoo address. Paypal had a different very complicated looking address, maybe I typed it wrong. So sorry you didn’t get it right away, I deeply appreciate it, more than I can say…