I don’t know how to do this anymore.
I don’t want to be here.
I am afraid.
Twelve days ago I wrote the 355th of 365 consecutive blog posts in my 365 day experiment. I was so proud not to have missed a day and I wouldn’t have, I would have finished the 365 days two days ago on Sunday but twelve hours after I put the last blog post up the hurricane came, the power went, and we have had two weeks of the worst kind of nightmare. There is so much devastation in this town it is hard to find words to describe it all. And the aftermath is a mess. Still flooding everywhere. We are at risk of losing water. It will be months, years, before this town recovers.
If you have followed the news you will know what went on here in Wilmington, North Carolina. If you haven’t you probably don’t know or care, but for those of us who live here and went through it we are forever changed.
I was without power for a week here, and got the internet back today two days short of 2 weeks after losing it. I wanted badly to get it back, I felt so cut off from the world I thought I was losing my mind but today when it came back I didn’t know what to do. I sat staring at the computer crying. I didn’t know how to come back, where to begin, what to say. I don’t want to be here and I don’t know where to go.
I could put up lots of pictures of all of the devastation here. I took over 130 pictures of my home and yard, all the trees down, the one on the house, the huge limbs hanging, the broken things, the gate hanging open. I have shared some online through Instagram on my phone when I could and may in the days ahead. The tree on the house, the trees down everywhere, the broken fence, so many broken things, a broken life, two confused little dogs who are used to having a back yard to run and play in, a yard that isn’t now accessible or safe. They don’t understand how to walk on leashes in harnesses and the harnesses we have aren’t very safe. I ordered new ones today.
The new 365 day blog journey that I was going to have started yesterday, A Year With Anna, drawing and painting and writing a story about my sweet, whimsical alter-ego has been cancelled. I just can’t do it now. There is nothing lighthearted and whimsical here now. It is a shattered, devastated world, there is too much loss, too much sadness, too much confusion. I think that I will be doing a 365 day journey here about surviving. Surviving natural disasters, mental illness, aging and more. There is so much to survive every single day.
For tonight I am back. I will keep going. I will finish this first 365 days. I am afraid and overwhelmed and I don’t know how I am going to do it but this is the way I am going to begin to rebuild my life online. My life in the real world here in the brokenness will take so long to heal and reorder and make right I can’t begin to see how it will all happen. It will happen one day, one moment, at a time.
I hope you will bear with me, I hope you will pray for me, and for those who have sent prayers, and love, and support, and donations I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is all so badly needed. Keep praying. Something in me broke through all of this. I don’t know how to find my way back. I will, as I have for the last year, just keep showing up here. It’s the only thing I know how to do.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Maitri I wish I had the right words that would give you comfort…
I personally understand the mourning that takes place over Mother Earth reaping havoc..
It takes time to recover and slowly the heart takes over and the helping hands reach out and a new outlook on life happens.. but it does take time…
one thing i did learn from the floods is you cant rebuild like it was .. you make it new … you take to people around you and find out how each person needs or wants to help..
people’s strengths come to the surface.
Maitri my love you will find your way, cause if anything your past has taught you girl you have always found a way through the dark times.
baby steps and keep moving forward and know we love you.
Thank you so much dear Julia. You are so kind and you are so right. I am about to go take a shower and get ready for bed. I can do no more today, and tomorrow is another day. I appreciate all you have said.
Love,
Maitri
Oh Maitri I’m so happy to hear from you tonight. I’ve missed you and prayed for you over the past two weeks. Thank God you are safe.
At the same time I’m so sorry to hear the sad weariness in your voice along with the devastation caused to your home and your town.
You’re not alone. People all around the world are sending you love and prayers. You’re fantastic for all you have been through and still you’re standing.
Sending you big hugs 💜
Thank you so much dear Moira, it has been so hard and will continue to be scary and hard for a long time to come. I appreciate everyone’s prayers so much, I believe they brought us through safely, and we need continued prayers as we work to recover through this so thank you so much.
And I appreciate the hugs, I need them now too, so much. Much love to you…
you made it thru. thru the floods and winds and broken trees and devastation, the ruined food, the hiding in hallways. you made it thru. it’s a miracle that you’re coming back to us, thru thick and thin, thru fear and fury and confusion, one blog at a time, one day at a time. so many of the world’s people are dislocated, homeless, scared, war-torn, drought-ridden, and as you come back, you have a deeper compassion than you may ever have experienced, for these lost peoples, the homeless and ones in exile. but you still have a home, a computer, a mind, a heart, and you reach out again, and we embrace you, we hold you as you slowly put the pieces together to renew your life.
xo
ka
Thank you so much dear Katya, to be surrounded by love, prayers and friendship is what has really helped see me through. I will never be able to thank you enough, all of you. Today is another day. As we do each day now we wake early to chain saws going taking down trees. Life is different here now. It’s hard to adjust, but on we go.
I love you honey…
M. xoxox
Dear Maitri, I, too, am so glad to see you back online and blogging again. Like others, I have missed you. You have been through a trauma. Be kind to yourself, breathe, take baby steps. You will find your way back! I know it. I feel it. Take your time as much as is needed. Of course I don’t need to tell you this. I just mean don’t push yourself. One step in front of the other. You are so surrounded by your angels (keeping you and your pugs safe) and you are surrounded by so many of us who love you and pray for you for whatever you need. Look what you accomplished this year of blogging! You were very down and depressed for awhile. You will rise again and I send you much love and continue visualizing all your wonderful angels around you. <3
Thank you so much dear Jean, knowing that you were praying for me and praying for my angels to be with me helped me so much, I just cannot tell you how much it meant. And please keep those prayers and angels coming. There is so much to do yet, I am afraid, but I am doing the best I can to get through each day. I can feel you all with me and it is keeping me going. Bless you honey, I am hugging you really big and holding on tight…
Welcome back.
I find when I am feeling overwhelmed by the world and my life, I can pick One Thing to focus on, One Thing to get done. If I get it done today, great! Tomorrow I can pick the next One Thing. If I don’t get it done today, no worries, I can finish it tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever.
There will be times when you have strung several One Things into a brilliant necklace of Progress, and times when One Thing occupies you for the better part of a week! It’s all good; no judgment, no criticism. Just One Thing, Just For Today.
Speaking with your therapist should help a lot. Much love to you, along with Serenity and Clarity. <3
Victoria honey you are so right and you echo the words of a dear man I have followed and loved since 2013, Michael Nobbs, whose “One Thing Today” podcast has seen me through a lot. He is an artist and writer who was diagnosed with ME/CFS almost 20 years ago and has extremely limited energy and periods of not being able to do hardly anything at all and he devised a system where if he could just do one thing for 20 minutes a day he could move the job forward. It is focused on creativity but can be applied to all of life. Here’s the link if you are interested. I adore Michael…
https://www.gogently.co/listen-to-a-podcast
I love you honey…
Dear Maitri, I am so happy to see this post. I have been sending prayers since the storm began. Thank you so much for posting and letting us know that you are still here. I will continue to send prayers and good vibes- and if you post I will read it, no matter the subject. You are stronger than you know, and will find your way through this rebirth of sorts. Again, thank you for taking the time (and energy) to post.
Thank you so much dear Lorraine, everyone’s prayers helped so much, I appreciate them more than I will ever be able to say, and I hope you will all keep them coming because now we are at the beginning of a long road toward recovery. It is so overwhelming. All we can do is get up each day and do what we can do. I am trying my best. Continued prayers will help see me through. God bless you honey…
Maitri!!!! Hurray! I’m so happy to read you today. All you’ve written today about fear, etc., is understandable. You are being surrounded by the love of God, He won’t let go. All we need to do is trust Him. I know how hard it is to trust, but I’ve ended up trusting you and the chix (lol) from SNWG. Remember, we all love you and the pugs, and are here for you in a special way. Hugs, Memarge:)
Thank you so much darling Marge, you are so kind and I appreciate your love, prayers and support so much, they are surely what I held onto during the hurricane, I prayed without ceasing for hours and hours as we were battered by the terrible storm and I knew you were all praying for us. It’s what helped me hold on. I love you all so much. Thank you honey…
Dear Maitri, it’s so good to hear from you! I’ve kept up with the online news from Wilmington, thought of you and prayed for you every day. We all love you and we’re so glad you and the pugs are safe. For now, rest as much as you can. (((Big hugs)))
Thank you so much sweet Jenny, it’s good to hear from you and thank you so much for your prayers. They are what have mattered most of all. And please keep them coming. It is a very long road to recovery and it is scary and overwhelming but I know prayers will help more than anything. God bless you honey, God bless all of you…
Maitri,
I came to the MMB after reading SARK’s Succulent Wild Women. As I think about you and the challenges you are facing, I am reminded of a quote from SWW:
“The circles of women around us weave invisible nets of love that carry us when we’re weak, and sing with us when we are strong.”
We send our prayers and we carry you when you feel you cannot go on.
I know this about you – you are a fighter. You are such an example of strength in the face of adversity for so many of us – even when you may not feel it, we do. One single step starts every journey, and right now one step may be all you can do. And that is ok. You will not fall, my friend, we are holding you up. 💕
Oh my darling friend Maggie thank you for this note. I loved that book and I love that quote and I believe that it is true. It is at the heart of why I started The Sunday Night Writing Group and I feel everyone’s love and support here, it does indeed help hold me up, help me keep going.
In the middle of the night I picked my phone up and typed a little note, “One Foot In Front Of The Other.” It’s the title of today’s blog post. So yes, a single step, one step at a time, it’s all any of us can do and we are all faced with challenges every day. Thank you for being here honey. I am holding onto you right now, and as I hold onto you I am holding you up too. You can lean into me, we can all lean into each other. We will all make it through the storms of life, together.
Bless you honey, I love you dearly…
Sweet Maitri it is oh so good to see you here. I know you still have much work and healing to do but you will overcome. You and the pugs are safe. You remain in my prayers and thoughts. Angels remain with you comforting and soothing. You did it. You prepared and survived. Be patient with yourself. Life will get better. Perhaps it won’t be quite the same but it will work out. You have a right to mourn what is lost. I pray it passes soon.
Oh Darling Sweet Paula, thank you so much for your continued kindness, love and prayers. We are making it, one day at a time, often only one moment at a time, but even that moves us forward. We have a very long way to go and if you look at the big picture it is so overwhelming it is hard to see how any of us will make it through but we will, one way or the other.
I love you dearheart, know that, always..
I love the way you share your despair as well as your joys and triumphs.
Your account of the devastation there reminds me that my own fears and disappointments right now are small in comparison, and I must count my blessings. Thank you for that.
Things can always be worse than they are.
Glad you are safe.
-Kate
Thank you for your kind words dear Kate but you know when we are going through hard times for whatever reason our hard times are hard for us for whatever the reason. I hope yours passes soon.
Blessings and a hug to you honey…
Maitri
I have never posted a comment here before but I have been a regular reader. I was so relieved to see today’s post. We are about the same age and I am looking forward to your posts on aging and survival.
It’s lovely to meet you Kathleen. Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope things are well for you in your world and yes it will be quite a journey to explore that in the next year’s 365 day journey which will be starting soon…
Maitri, I am so glad you are allright. I have been thinking of you in the lead-up to this hurricane and just waiting, waiting, waiting to hear something after Florence hit. I’m so pleased you are safe and doing ok. Have been holding you in my prayers. You are one brave lady thats for sure. I keep seeing things on facebook about people in the Carolinas who have abandoned their animals – they look shellshocked, disoriented and frightened – its a travesty. I hope you find daily strength to face this tragedy and in the days to come find some way of restoring your life to what it once was. Its hard to find the right words but have been holding you in my heart. It comes a relief to me to know all is well with you