“Learn to adjust yourself to the conditions you have to endure, but make a point of trying to alter or correct conditions so that they are most favorable to you.”
William Frederick Book
Yesterday I wrote about decisions I had to make to take care of myself. Living with mental illness is a journey of constant course correcting, about being vigilant about what works, what doesn’t, and not being afraid or ashamed to say, “This isn’t working, I’ve made a mistake.” and recalibrating the steps you must take to live your best life. This is not always easy to do but it is necessary, and further, it is a powerful act of courage, self-love, compassion, and kindness toward ourselves, and that is where all things must begin. I cannot do a kind and loving deed for another if I don’t do one for myself first.
This is a constant source of shame for people living with mental illness. To have the challenges of a brain that doesn’t work in “the normal way” to begin with puts us at a disadvantage because if I had been born physically disabled people could see my disability and show me compassion and understanding in a way that they don’t or won’t or can’t if it is our brain that is broken. And mine is pieced together, most of the time, in such a way that I am able to function well and do good work in the world, in my limited capacity. When people can see you functioning at a certain level they expect you to do so across the board and ongoing and can be perplexed, disgruntled, or even cruel if you don’t or can’t live up to their expectations. That, without question, has been the hardest thing to cope with in my life.
When I was young my mother constantly forced me into social situations that she wanted me to be a part of because that was who she was and what she wanted for me. She made me go to football games and dances until it got to the point where I would become hysterical or throw up or completely have a collapse of some sort. Then she didn’t make me go but I was punished, ostracized, criticized, and it was made known that I wasn’t “normal” or acceptable, and certainly not acceptable to her, in fact a downright disappointment. She never ceased telling me about all the girls in my class in school who dressed pretty, had pretty hair, went places and did things I could not. I was a deep disappointment and until the day she died I always knew that that was true.
I once wrote a story called “Legless With Too Many Pairs Of Shoes.” It was about a young woman who was in a wheel chair and had no legs but her mother kept bringing her pairs of shoes thinking that if she just brought the right pair the girl would get up and walk, unable to see that she simply had no legs. That was my life. Given that I kept striving to do or be something that was acceptable to her and to other people around me. I pushed so hard I made myself sick. I pushed harder until depression and anxiety became a way of life. I pushed myself until the pain was so great I left the world and created a world of my own making. I pushed until I just couldn’t (pardon me) fucking do it any more. And then I stopped, and here I am.
And still it is hard to live in the world in a way that makes you feel less than others around you. To not be able to hold down a job in the world that would support me so that I wouldn’t be a burden or a bother to anyone, ever, is such a shameful thing to me I don’t think I will ever get over it. And so I try very hard, I work very, very hard, and I begin to have success with something, and then I think, “This! This is it! I can do this, and create a business doing it, and I will make the money that I need to support myself, and I will not ever have to worry again, and I will be alright, and I won’t end up at the end of my life afraid and unable to take care of myself, and, and, and…” and then I push so hard because I want so much, more than anything, to believe that this is possible. I can actually do many things. To date I have not been able to do that. The world does not approve of someone who is not able to do that.
And so here I am, once again having started into something that I thought would be the answer, and become more and more anxious and less and less well until I hit the wall, the wall of knowing that I had come to a place that was unmanageable, even dangerous for me. And I had to say no, I’m sorry, no, I cannot do this. I can do this, and this, and this, but I can’t do those other things.
The big thing, however, for me, is that finally I didn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. And this might not seem like much to most people (Although one of the dear women who commented after yesterday’s post said, “You have done a great thing… some people would have dropped everything.”) but I am here to tell you that it is an enormous thing for me to, in the face of mounting pressure (internal) and increasing anxiety and depression not to have just stopped doing every single in my life that I was doing. That I could separate out what was working, what was not, and continue on doing what I could do, continue to blog and teach and make art and work on Anna’s book, but not a couple of other books I was working on and pushing to get eCourses up and other things that felt insupportable, well, I am continuing to do the work that I can do.
I realized two things last night. One is that Anna’s story is about a woman who does live with mental illness and limitations but has created a beautiful life for herself in spite of it all. I think that is what Anna’s story is about. And maybe other people, I am hoping, who don’t live with mental illness but do live with other kinds of limitations can relate too. Even as I write this I am thinking about one very dear friend who has suggested in the past that my writing would be more relatable if I didn’t write so much about mental illness, but, “sorry, not sorry,” as the saying goes, this is not only what I live with but what millions of other people live with too and there is so much shame about mental illness I think that those of us who do live with it have the responsibility, if we are using a public forum, via writing or art or anything else, to speak for our sisters and brothers who are also suffering and struggling. I will not apologize for that. Other people can do other kinds of work. This is mine.
The second thing is that I have struggled with writing the material for tomorrow night’s Sunday Night Writing Group all week. This is usually fairly effortless for me, I have done it for decades and I love doing it, but this week I was having such a hard time I didn’t know how I could manage it at all, and then I did, twice, and finally last night I chucked both of my first efforts and completely wrote from the heart an outline that was deeply personal and very different from the kind of thing I usually offer. But the others, while actually good material and exercises I think might have been helpful and well received and which I might use at a later date, felt wooden and not right to me, and, given my current state of mind felt inauthentic in a way. I am, first and foremost, as authentic as I can be in my efforts. As honest as I can be, as transparent, in an effort to help others who are fighting the good fight too, in whatever form that takes. And in chucking the first two outlines and writing the third something opened up in my heart again, like a flower blooming I was finding my way home. I had course corrected, I had recalibrated, I had once again taken the road less traveled by, and it indeed made all the difference.
What I want to say to you, in closing, if you are reading this, if you are suffering and struggling too, is that if you are pressing on doing things in your life that are hurting you, please stop. Please don’t push yourself to live up to other’s expectations, find a way to peace and ease in your life, take a look at everything in your life that is working, that makes you happy, that brings you joy, or that you can do without harm to yourself, and then let go of everything else. Let go, let go, let go. You are not helping anyone by forcing yourself to do the things you cannot do and you may be doing great harm to yourself. It’s time to let go. I have, and I am better for it today.
And I am sending you all so much love, and tenderness, I am holding you close and whispering in your ear, “You are alright, despite it all, you will be alright and so will I. Now let’s do this thing. Let’s carry on…” And I leave you with these words which I hold dear to my heart. They have long been a touchstone for me, my North Star, the light in the sky that gives me hope. They are lighting my path today…
“…I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
Robert Frost
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Maitri,
So many people live with such struggles. Society has taught us to hide our ‘ugly’ parts, but they are not ugly. They are honest and beautiful parts of us. Our work is learning to love all the bits and pieces of ourselves and boldly show the world how beautiful we really are. This you do wonderfully, authentically and unapologetically every day. You inspire us. Those who would suggest otherwise may very well be living behind a curtain of their own.
I read a young woman’s blog last night who found out she was adopted late in life. She talked about how her mother had hurt her so much by telling her she was not ‘a real daughter’. Her words were full of pain but so beautifully expressed. They were loud and bold and have allowed her to break free of the emotional prison she had been in for so many years. Her mother was not so fortunate. Owning our truth sets us free.
Please. Never stop being who you are. You are true and honest and beautiful. I love the all of you.
Thank you so much dear Maggie, your kind words mean so much to me. I am trying, for myself and all others who are suffering and struggling. We must each do what we can in the world, in whatever way that might be possible, to be candles in the darkness so that others may find whatever light they can in this dark, dark world. And yet, though it is dark, there is much beauty here. We lean into the light and hold onto any beauty we can find. It is what sees us through.
And your sharing about the young woman who was adopted really hit me, because I too was adopted, and I always felt that I, being the disappointment that I was, that I knew I was, made me a failure as a daughter, and my mother frequently showed favoritism to my cousins who were “blood” relatives and in fact when she died left things to them and not to me. There are beautiful adoption stories. Some of us don’t have those. It is a cross we bear and carry in our hearts. I’m glad this young woman is able to write about it. It will serve her well.
And I love you dear Maggie, and I truly appreciate you so much. I will see you in class tomorrow night and on our blog journey ahead. On we go. We shall carry on…
I love what Maggie wrote, Maitri. What you write is true and brave, and so many of us who struggle with varying degrees of “mental illness” challenges in the world, although I choose not to label myself that way — (I’m GAO and sometimes depressed, hmmm) are grateful for your honesty, grace, and willingness to go on, everyday, with hope.
Thanks!
Thank you dear Lisa, I appreciate all of what you had to say including your own personal choices. We all must do what we feel it is best in our heart to do and what best serves our lives. We are both doing just that. It means a lot to me that my work means something to you. I try my best to carry on in the face of whatever comes and hope that I will be able to continue to do so. I am trying my best.
And you’re welcome. 🙂
Dear Maitri,
Tears are running down my cheeks reading about the girl and the shoes. I am a retired art teacher. My classroom was a haven, I know, where my students could come and be themselves. I was always surprised when I heard problems other teachers had with these same students- until I understood the “mold” those teachers were trying to make these creatives fit in. I believe you have created such a haven here, with your blog. I feel comfortable saying things here that I would not dare admit in other places. I agree with Maggie (I am agreeing with Maggie a lot!) and I thank you for being who you are.
Thank you so much dear, sweet Lorraine…
I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have you here, and of course dear Maggie too, and all of my other regular commenters. When people take time to both read and comment it means more to me than I know how to say. It keeps me going.
And oh dearheart what a blessing you were to your students. It hurts my heart, actually devastates me, to hear of art programs being cut in the schools. Seriously, cut MATH first (There are calculators, computers, etc, but art heals the soul, art saves lives!). May you always know how important what you did was to the children you taught. They may not be able to tell you, directly, in words, but know that in addition to doing something wonderful for all of them you may well have saved lives. I am on a crusade with Anna to bring art to all people whether you are 20 or 80 or 100! Anna is saving me.
And I am deeply honored, and grateful, that you feel safe here. I believe creating safe space is one of my deepest, most important gifts. I know that I do this for my students on Sunday nights, they have told me so over and over again. But my blog, well, this has been my heart work for 20 years. I want to gather you all close, I want to hug you and hold you, I want you to know how much I care, how much I love you, how much you matter to me. You are safe here Lorraine, and I am right here beside you, holding your hand. We walk on, forward, together. You are holding me up with your kind words. I hope I might be able to do the same for you.
Blessings and love dearheart. Let us walk hand in hand. We will soldier on…
Maitri, I guess what I wrote in reply to Maggie’s comment is about what I have to say. But, thanks for being you, and sharing your gifts.
We make so much more difference than we give ourselves “credit” for, I think. It’s something I grapple with now, post-work, where I did make a difference, I knew, everyday.
So, what do I do now that’s meaningful?
Dear Lisa, what do you do now, you ask? I think, my dear, you are doing it.
The traveling you are doing, and maintaining two homes, and all that you are doing on both of your blogs, I think these are all things you are meant to be doing and I think you cannot yet begin to see where it will lead. I am in the same position in my life with my own set of circumstances. I think first of all we show up to our lives and the work we are doing in the world and we do the best we can with our whole hearts. And then we must learn to have patience, and to trust, that all is unfolding in the right and proper time and in time all will be revealed. Of course this last bit is a challenge for most of us but we must each try, I am doing my best, and we continue on each day. I think in the fullness of time there will be revelations aplenty, for now we just show up, as we both are doing.
Carry on my dear, as I am too. Onward we go!
you have an inner rudder that knows which way the wind blows, and how you can survive and thrive in a world that in general does not support creativity, kindness, softness, ease — it’s all about push push push. you are teaching yourself and everyone you reach how to listen to their authentic self, and embrace its unique beauty, its PURPOSE, its gifts. for we all have gifts, we all have a purpose, our soul knows what is needed for our growth and sustainment.
your blog has matured and blossomed in the almost 365 days you have been writing, dear maitri. the wisdom is finely honed, generous, and humble.
xo
ka
Oh my dear friend, Katya, thank you so much for your kind and generous words. I have been blogging for 20 years this year, before blogging was “a thing,” I have had a number of different blogs and this blog is 11 years old this month, but I think you are right that this last year of blogging daily has created a leap, an expansion, a deepening, as we can only do by doing a daily practice and penetrating the heart of our own lives. I think it is one of the most important things that I have ever done and even though I will be undertaking another 365 project really it is simply a continuation of what I am doing now, what I have been doing. This has become a deeply spiritual practice for me and I don’t want to stop it because it has been life changing, soul enriching, and transformative in so many ways. I can’t imagine what the gifts of the next year’s journey will be, and I believe there will be many as there have been this year, but the most important thing will be not the topics I am writing about but that I continued to show up doing this every day. I think it is the most profound thing I have ever done. I appreciate you seeing that, and telling me, and being here with me on the journey. It means more to me than I could ever possibly say. And I love you, always and always, forever…
M. xoxox
I so agree with katya taylor! Beautiful affirmations for you, and for All!
I love you dear Maitri!
How I wish your mother had been loving kind supportive of you.
You. Maitri, are such a Gift, a Blessing, a tender hearted beautiful soul.
Perhaps it is because of the pain we have endured, that we are the kind sensitive souls that we are. Much Love Always! CeeCee
Thank you so much dear beautiful Celia…
You know life is such funny business. I would not wish on anyone the hard things in my life, but nor would I trade the life I have today for any other. How could I? That would mean I didn’t have my children and grandchildren and friends and sweet little pugs and all the rest. And if I have anything to give to others through my work it will have come from living through it all, the pain, the joys, and the sometimes excruciating transformations that have taken place through it all, inotherwords, as is true for all of us, Life! There is no way to separate any of it out is there?
So there we’ve been and on we go. Most of all I am grateful for having so many dear friends on the journey with me and you of course are one. I am sending you love and a gentle warm hug this night honey. May you find sweet peace in the hours and days ahead…
Hugs,
Maitri
such sweet timing, Maitri. I receive your blessing with gratitude. Struggling with anxiety, while on my healing journey. Knowing you know these struggles, and carry on with your brilliant writing, loving words, shines a light on a part of my heart and soul that needs a boost at this very time. Hugs to you, and many many thanks, Maitri.
Oh Celia honey I promise, all will be well. We may not be able to see how, and we may only get through it knowing that we are not alone, but I promise you, you are not alone, I am right here holding your hand. We can walk each other through these long, dark, hard passages.
This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes in the whole wide world. It was Ram Dass who said it. He said, “We are all just walking each other home.” And he was so right. I’m right here Celia. Take my hand…
Oh my goodness Maitri, I am so so tired of struggle of any kind! I have been learning to trust my inner feelings, my YESSES and NO”S. I am not always successful because sometimes fear gets in the way or “what does he want?” To promise to blog for 365 days would be a huge struggle for me so I didn’t join in. You have done amazing with following through. Good for you to realize that you don’t want to struggle anymore!!!! Life will be so much easier this way as long as we don’t worry about it or give in because of some guilt put on us by either other people or our own thinking.
I feel safe here. You mentioned in your comment to me yesterday if I would please help you ask your angels for help. Yes, of course I will. We are all in this together. If anyone else here wants me to help them by asking just let me know.
Much love, Jean
Dear Jean,
One of the things you wrote was spot on. Of course it’s important that we do what is best for us, not what we think we are supposed to do based on what others are doing, and certainly not because of any guilt anyone tries to lay on us, but the biggest challenge can be, and usually is, the pressure we put on ourselves. We can be our own worst critics and very unkind to ourselves. Accepting ourselves and loving ourselves as we are, celebrating our uniqueness and honoring it by safeguarding it is the most important thing we can do, and this is not selfish as some people think or try to tell us. We cannot give from an empty well. If we are ever to have it in us to give to others we must take care of ourselves first.
And thank you so much, dearheart, for helping guide my angels to me. It means the world to me. You are very kind to do so. May we always be in the presence of angels and may they guide us on our way. It gives me great comfort to believe this might be so.
I am sending you a warm gentle hug, and love. I hope you have a gentle night ahead. Take care…
Maitri
Trying to figure out what to hold onto and what to let go of in my caregiving journey has been a struggle, as well as a real eye opener about what tapes have been playing in the back of my head: how much my self-worth has been tied to money, how other’s opinions have shaped my own, and so forth.
Some days I see caregiving as a huge black hole; other days, it’s a detour into a side adventure. Now and again I can ponder whether this is the first leg of a brand new path that will yet lead me to my destination. Still working on accepting this last concept!
My new task is to hunt for what serves me best Now, what works for me Now. Figuring that out will serve me well, no matter what everyone else chooses to do. Bowing to you as we both walk alternate paths through the woods.
Dear Sweet Victoria…
Your arms and your heart and your life are so full now with the caretaking responsibilities that you have but through it all you’ve have the presence of mind, the strength and the wisdom to know that you must also tend your own life and safeguard your own journey. I see you doing it with grace and I bow to your efforts. I wish you well on your journey and I blow you a kiss as we both set out on our paths into the deep woods. May we both find our way, may the journey, as it unfolds before us, be filled with blessings, and may we find peace in our hearts as we journey on. I’m with you in spirit dear sister. Onward we go…
Robert Frost my favorite of favorites..
Sending you Love ❤️ And an Angel to sit on your shoulder…
Oh Sweet Jim, it’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you. I haven’t heard from you in awhile. I hope all is well honey.
And yes, Robert Frost… and angels. I hope your angels are very near this night.
I am sending you love Jim, and a gentle warm hug…
Maitri. I love everything you’ve written today, especially “don’t push yourself to live up to other’s expectations, find a way to peace and ease in your life….” How I wish I’d seen these words when I was in my 20s, but then how would my babies have been taken care of? I spent so much of my young life living up to others expectations and now I sing the same song to my 30-year-old granddaughter who has 3 kids under 6. She actually has 5 children but that’s another story. I need to let her know I don’t expect her to be like ME at her age although I had a steady job and had just moved to KC from DC with my two girls.
Thank you dear Marge, I’m so glad that what I wrote had meaning for you. Oh what lives we’ve all lead, living as best we could, raising our children, still trying to do our best today. I send you love and wish you well from where I am to where you are. We will both make it and we now know to take tender care of ourselves, and to make finding peace and ease a priority. It’s time, isn’t it Marge? I think it surely is…