“Every Morning Anna Feeds Ignatius B. Fish First Thing…”
I woke up early again this morning. The dogs and I were up and going before 8. I was okay when I got up, and as I sat here with my coffee I seemed to be fine but something was creeping in, like starting out on a beautiful clear day and then fog starts blanketing the land and you have to inch along because you can’t see further than a foot ahead of you in any direction. I didn’t know what to do. I got out my sketchbook and started to draw.
It’s been a very slow process, moving through the hours. I drew, I painted, I did the detailing with my black pen, and by the time I was done I felt better but very tired. At 3 I took a nap with the pugs. As I was easing into a wakeful state I came to a few realizations. I have been getting a little bipolary. I have been trying to do too much. I needed to be very still and very quiet and sort things out. What am I doing, I wondered, that is okay to continue on with and what have I been trying to do that is causing increasing anxiety? It became clear pretty quickly.
Daily blogging and moving ahead into the next 365 day project are okay. I’ve done this for almost a year now and what I have found is that it steadies me. Where one might look upon a 365 day commitment as a chore, something many people are afraid to take on, for me it provides a backbone for my day, something that keeps me moving forward, and something which, when I have completed my daily task, makes me feel so much better about myself that it has, as I have now written many times, had innumerable positive outcomes. I am grateful to have found this daily practice and I will continue on.
The next thing, asking people to join me with their own 365 day project. That is fine too because it does not require me to do anything but provide the space meaning that I have encouraged people to do this because it has been so beneficial to me, I will toss out a few, only a few, pointers to help people begin or thoughts about what it has meant for people to do this but truly, other than encourage people to do it because it can transform lives, people really must find their own way as I did. I have said that people can leave links here in the comments to their own 365 day project when they comment on my posts and this is perfect and provides a kind of accountability. Beyond that I am not offering anything else. One day this may be a paid course that I will offer in much more detail. I am not doing that now.
And The Sunday Night Writing Group has proven to be a very good thing, something that I have come to dearly love, and something I will definitely continue, but here’s where things started getting glitchy. Not the Sunday night classes themselves, no, I love them them, but they are a tremendous lot of work, and then, in the excitement of doing it, and it feeling so good to teach again, many other related projects came to mind and that’s where I started getting into trouble. I have, in the past, feared making money that would put the services I need to survive at risk because it wouldn’t take much if I created ongoing income for me to lose the services, and then I have said that when I get medicare I will lose most of the services anyway so I could afford to make money. Well, that is true, technically, but the thing is there’s a reason I have these services. I have them because I am a person that lives with mental illness. The things I struggle with are well managed and I am vigilant about doing all the things I need to do to take care of myself but the pressure I have put on myself to ALL OF A SUDDEN WRITE BOOKS AND CREATE ECOURSES AND MAKE INCOME SO I AM NOT TERRIFIED ALL THE TIME ABOUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME ONE DAY has all of a sudden made me feel so afraid and pressured waves of anxiety are coming in increasingly and this has to stop.
I hope that I can produce good work that will help me make an income one day but currently just writing the material for these Sunday night classes is all I am able to do in addition to blogging and working on Anna’s book. Anna’s book is the most joy-producing thing that I do. I look so forward to going on a journey with her over the next 365 day project I just cannot tell you. And I am absolutely not going to put any pressure on myself as I do it. I will make art, I will see what Anna wants to say in terms of text that might go with it to make a little book, and the blogging journey around it is mainly going to be what it is like for me to do the work at all. The joyful things, the hard days, the doubts that creep in, discovering who I am as an artist and illustrator writing this kind of book, it will be a journey that I will be recording, that is all.
What will happen as a result of teaching my Sunday night group and writing the material for it is something that I cannot yet see and won’t be able to for awhile. I love these women, I love this process, I love teaching but I am finding that I need to be very gentle with myself and not try to push beyond what I can comfortably do. Book projects and ecourses have been tabled for now. I write a tremendous amount of material for each class and one day I will look at what I have done and see what it might be. Further than that I need to stop pushing. I have been pushing myself a lot harder than I realized and my bipolary bits and parts have started to flare up. It is taking a toll, and I can’t let it. I will blog, I will make art, I will teach, gently, and with tremendous compassion for myself along the way.
I am also coming up against something very hard. I am an intelligent, creative woman, I have gifts and talents as we all do and I am using them to the best of my abilities, but I have not been able to hold down a job outside of my home in my adult life. I have tried and maintained, at the longest a job for as much as 3 months. During those times I went into the bathroom and threw up and cried throughout the day. I just can’t manage it. What will happen to me if I can’t create an ongoing business to make an income? I don’t know. And it makes me cry to think about it. When people see that you are capable of producing good work they think that surely, then, you can do more, you can make it a full-time, ongoing concern. Historically I have tried many times, many things, in many ways, and always come back to the same thing, I simply cannot sustain the pressure of ongoing work either inside or outside the home. What I am doing now with the blog and my classes is simply remarkable given my circumstances. For now I will leave it at that.
I cannot predict what might happen in the future. I have gotten so much healthier over the last year that I may find, a year from now, that I am able to do more than I could possibly have imagined, but I don’t know that, and I can’t know that yet. And this makes me afraid, and it makes me sad, and it is what it is.
Today I made art. I am writing this blog post. I have made it through the day. I got a load of laundry going, I am taking care of myself and the pugs, that is what I can do today. I am doing my best. It’s all I can do. It has to be enough. 
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Maitri,
I cannot begin to understand all that you have gone through and still go through. Know you are heard and loved and encouraged to spread your wings slowly and deliberately at whatever pace makes sense for you. I think it’s okay to have dreams and ‘what ifs’ without turning them into goals that become bigger than life. You have been such an inspiration to me and I know that the energy will come together at the right time and in the right way to carry you where your heart leads you.
Remember to find some of those breathable moments – they can be a lifesaver! Sending you warmth and love while holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so much dear Maggie, I am struggling tonight. I appreciate you so much honey. I am just going to be very gentle with myself tonight. This, too, will pass.
Much love to you honey, and I especially appreciate the prayers…
a very important blog post. you are ALWAYS doing enough. even if you nap on the recliner for four hours. you are giving your talents to the world just the way you are supposed to. you are ON THE RIGHT TRACK. try not to fear the future. you have talent, gumption, spiritual inner strength. you are enough. you will triumph over your dark worries. write on, paint on, love your doggies, do your blog, teach your sunday night class, water your morningglories. YAY YOU!
Thank you so much sweet Katya, your words are a balm for my soul. I just finished writing my outline for class Sunday night. I had written a completely different one, chucked it, and wrote a new one, straight from the heart of where I am. I hope it will touch others as I think it might. We are all on this journey of life together. I want to reach out to other women from the depths of my struggles and let them know that they are not alone. I wish I could hug you real big right now but know that I am in my heart. I love you sister…
M. xoxox
Maitri dear, I know that anxiety feeling so well. Not the bi polar one but plain ole anxiety. Also not being able to work. I couldn’t either. I am only telling you this to let you know how much I understand these feelings. You are doing so well dear. Look what you have accomplished! Yes as Katya says YAY YOU!
I hope that you can give yourself a hug and tell yourself that you are enough, that you have accomplished so much already. Try to talk to yourself like you would to your friend, or to any of us who have been down or scared. You do this for others, now when these feelings come up try to love yourself through them. You encourage everyone else, especially when they write about their problems or their feelings. Now remind yourself how you are loved by all of us. I visualize your loving angels and guides surrounding you with not only love but a big basket or whatever you want them to be holding. They invite you to put these scared feelings and anxieties into the bag. They will hold it for you or, if you ask them, they will take the feelings up into the heavens and have them turned into loving, self confident feelings and bring these back to you. They are there for you, they love you so much and they are so willing and ready to help.
Much Love, Jean (and yes I give my fears and anxieties to them and they DO help.
Thank you so much dear sweet Jean, your kind words meant so much to me tonight. And it is a perfect solution to give it over to my angels, and I shall, but will you help me and ask them for me too? There is strength in numbers and I believe in the power of prayer. They have brought me through more times than I can count.
I am sending you blessings, warm hugs, and so much love…
Maitri
I’m with the ladies who posted above- Maggie, Katya, and Jean. YAY YOU! Right now, you are enough. You would tell each of us the same. (I do agree it’s harder to think that about yourself than it is to be able to see it in others). In encouraging each other I feel we encourage ourselves. I so understand the spiraling ideas, and the accompanying anxiety. You have done a great thing in this post in separating out the things that bring you joy and can continue and what gives anxiety and therefore can wait. Some people would have dropped everything! Enjoy what you can do today. And now I take my own advice- I’m happy that I cleaned a little, made dinner, walked the dog, and checked in with my daughter.
Regarding your worry about medicare etc- if I may be so bold: I am on medicare. I have found the people at medicare are very helpful in making sure I get what I need. The people from whom you get the services you use now should be able to help you understand and coordinate benefits for the future. Your therapist (I have one of those, too) should be able to put you in touch with someone who can answer your questions. Good vibes coming your way, Maitri!!!
Thank you so much dear Lorraine, it has been a struggle. I am holding on and doing what I can every single day. In life that’s all any of us can do and I’m happy to see that you are doing it for yourself too. And yes I have been given some resources to check into, one especially helpful sounding called SHIIP (Senior Health Insurance Information Program). They actually come to your house and sit down with you and go over everything so you know what to do and when to do it and so on. I’ll be calling them. But I won’t be 65 until April 30. They said you can get medicare 3 months before you turn 65 so this fall I will call them to come out and go over things with me.
Currently I’m trying to pray away a hurricane! We’ve got one headed our way!
Sending prayers that you are out of the hurricane’s path!
Loving, kind, gifted, Maitri, thank you for writing so truthfully and open hearted.
What an inspiration you are!
Living with bipolar illness is a gift and a burden. Two of my beloved sisters live with this, and I am a compassionate witness in their lives. As a person with many bipolar family members, I see the gifts, and receive the gifts, too. You are remarkable in your ability to write every day, create Art, lift others in such a meaningful way, plus take care of yourself and your dear Pugs. May you be blessed with phenomenal abundance, Maitri!
Thank you dear Celia, you are so kind, and it is a challenge indeed. I am just working really hard at self care, I have a wonderful therapist and loving family and friends and I am deeply grateful for all including you and your kind note here. Many blessings to you too dearheart…
Dear Maitri,
Kinda going along with how you said you had all these plans, I had planned to do a 365-day blog. I’ve decided not to. I’m going to take my time and focus on our Sunday night group and on learning to paint. I will do a blog but not yet.
Whatever is good for you and your well-being, Maitri. is fine with me. Lots of love and prayers sent your way from me to you. Memarge
Thank you so much dear Marge and yes honey do exactly what works for you. For some people blogging for 365 days is more challenging and if it doesn’t feel right no one should push themselves to do it. There’s no right or wrong, simply what is right or wrong for us as individuals. For me it gives me a sense of purpose and a kind of accountability to myself and my work and what I can do in life. It steadies me. It has helped me so much. But it is a very individual thing. And good for you for painting too! Good luck! And love to you dear Marge, I wish you all the best with all things…
You’ve been such a blessing to me, Maitri. The ladies I’ve met through the blog and SNWG are becoming friends. See you tomorrow!
Thank you dear Marge you are so kind and you are a blessing to me too. And yes the women here and in our group are so lovely and special. You are all blessings to me in my life and I’m so grateful for you.