Today is a much better day and I want to thank those of you who sent love, support, and prayers both here and on Facebook, and in emails. It meant more to me than I can say. I finally did get that hard phone call and it got dealt with well but not until the very end of the day. By then I was weary, and very tired, but with that sense of relief that comes with making it out to the other side after a storm, when the light starts to come back in a very dark time. And for me there was so much more to be considered.
Most of you who have followed me for a long time have seen my journey with depression, anxiety, and more, and the journey of being on medication for decades, off for the last 8 months, back on for 10 days in August, and back off again, all carefully considered and monitored, supervised by a wonderful P.A., and tracked by my therapist as well. It is something that requires constant vigilance and a sensitivity toward what is happening in my life. When you have had very serious mental health challenges in your life since you were young it can be very hard, at 64, not to panic on a bad day and think “Oh no, here it comes, it’s all going to go bad again…” This adds to the intensity of a bad day, the anxiety gets worse, the downward spiral through the hours can be frightening. What does one do?
Well first of all you do what I talked about in yesterday’s post. You get up and going and do whatever you can to curb the anxiety to stop the downward spiral. I also have Xanax to take on an as needed basis which will be infrequent, I take it so seldom that a prescription I had filled in January is still mostly full, but I did take it yesterday. When needed, and taken sparingly, it is a lifesaver. But most of all I think there is the necessity of reminding oneself — I have little post-it notes in bright colors all along the top and down the sides of my desktop computer with helpful quotes and reminders of things to do when the bad days come — that this is probably an anomaly, a bad day in the midst of mostly good ones, and that this too shall pass as it did for me with the love, support, and prayers from friends and the just plain getting through it as best I could. But how to know if and when I might really need to go back on medication?
I have finally figured out that I don’t need to jump back on medication if I have a bad day, or run of days, or even maybe 2 or 3 weeks as I did in August. Since coming off medication I have felt good for the most part. The thing to watch for is when it isn’t just a handful of bad days over 2 or 3 weeks as I had experienced but a downward spiral that cannot be broken, when every day is a bad day, and getting worse, and it keeps going on. Then intervention is necessary. In my life I have had nervous breakdowns, I have been suicidal (though not for years now), and a little over a year ago I had been so profoundly depressed and anxious for so long I could barely function and one terrible night the Mobile Crisis Unit had to be called. I will never let that happen again. Medical intervention would be necessary and utilized before it ever got to that point again. I am not an anti-medication person but I function better physically off medication.
I went up over 5 pounds in 10 days when I went briefly back on medication. My feet and ankles started swelling when they hadn’t in over a year, and there were other physical symptoms. The medication is very hard on your liver which has to process it and I was on it for so long I really don’t want my liver to have to cope with it anymore if it’s possible to stay off of it. There were a number of very serious considerations when I went back on medication and then felt I needed to come off. Within 3 days of being off medication my feet and ankles returned to normal and have not swollen since. The medication does more than affect your brain, it affects your whole body. If you need it you need it. It can save lives, it surely saved mine on more than one occasion, but if I can be off of it I will be healthier overall.
Staying well in the face of a lifetime of mental health challenges is my full-time job. It comes first before anything else because if I don’t take care of me no one else can. I have a number of things in place, a team if you will, of health care providers, a therapist I see weekly, and family members and friends who help me at these times, who keep an eye on me, but it is, as I said yesterday, my responsibility to keep my hand on the rudder, to steer my own ship.
In this nearly year of being on a “search for happiness,” which was not just a lighthearted, fun journey to find the happy little moments in life but an experiment to see if one such as I, with several mental health diagnoses that I have lived with and dealt with my whole life, could find a way to truly be happy in a sustained way, and what would that mean, and what would that look like? For me what I have realized is that “happiness” is not the point. We all have happy moments and sad ones, days that are hard and days that are easier, we all experience everything under the sun ongoing, but what is more important to me is living in a state, inasmuch as I am able, of peace, and contentment, to have a greater sense of ease in life, to face a day without being anxious and afraid, to love and be loved, to do good work. These are not those giddy, over-the-moon moments of what one thinks of as “happiness,” but they are the things that make for the best possible life one can have as far as I can see. And this year of searching for happiness has brought me what I was seeking, the answer to the riddle. Yes, I can be “happy” in a sustained way, I can be healthy and whole and have a good life, it is possible, but I have to look to the things I mentioned above, the hallmarks of a good life, peace, contentment and ease, as the signs that I am okay. I have found what I was seeking. It has been a successful experiment.
As I am in these last 2 1/2 weeks of this 365 day journey I now know that bad days will come but in the balance of things they will, for the most part, simply be bad days, not a bad life, and in that light they are manageable, they are survivable, they are sustainable. That’s what I wondered and now I know. I put a note on my computer today …
… and I will remember it, or rather I will forget but the note will remind me on those days like yesterday. It’s just a bad day, it will pass. And so it did. Now I carry on…
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Good days and bad days
merge into one existence
honor the rhythms
Even good days have niggling little interruptions, and even the bad days have moments of uplift. it’s so yin/yang, this human condition.
We are glad things are looking up – and peaceful — and that contentment is possible. ah!!!
Yes darling Ka, honoring the natural rhythms…
It is a matter of learning to trust for those of us for whom the “natural rhythms” have been skewed or distorted by mental health challenges. It is like having to learn to walk again after an accident, it does not come naturally and requires vigilance and a lot of work. What this 365 day experiment has taught me is to trust that it can just be a bad day, and it can pass, and being all blissy happy, while lovely when it happens, isn’t even the goal or the point. Peace, contentment, and ease are everything…
Love you honey,
M. xoxox
Goodness, that’s the spirit for sure. All good things and good energy to you. I’m worrying about your hard call, though — is that now OK?
Thank you sweet Lisa and yes the call finally came through at 5 pm yesterday and got sorted out, a tremendous relief. By the time it came I was weary from worry but all’s well that ends well, right? And so it did.
Some days are hard, but then life goes on. It’s been a good day today, and I’m thankful, and I’m thankful for you sweet friend…. 🙂
I know for me if I have a BAD day usually I can wait it out. Just acknowledge it is one of those days and tomorrow I will feel better mentally and physically. Usually this works. It’s funny because 2 days ago I had a really nice day. Nothing hurt, nothing worried me. I got to take pictures by a river and some mountains. We went for a little ride and got subs for dinner. But the next day it felt like everything was too heavy and we sorta growled at each other. I wondered what was going on with the planets and sort of laughed and said “ok tomorrow will be better” and it has been mostly.
I, too, have my bottle of xanax to be taken “when needed”. For me that is for going to the dentist or when I am really afraid.
Yes, peace, contentment and ease are everything!!!
I am so in awe of you Maitri having almost completed 325 days of blogging. This is so awesome and I hope you are very proud of your accomplishment!!!
Love, Jean
Dear Jean,
I’m sorry you had a bad day honey but glad things are better now, at least mostly. And isn’t “mostly” the norm rather than the exception? And I tell you, I didn’t want to use Xanax at all, there are so many studies showing that it can lead to dementia and alzheimers and all kinds of scary things, and I had been on it daily for 20 years and it scared me to death. I went months without taking it at all so when I needed to take 3 in a relatively short period of time that’s when I went back on medication but that wasn’t the answer either. My P.A. who has worked with psych meds for 30 years and whom I love and trust implicitly told me that you are not at risk just using them occasionally on an as needed basis, it is habitual use that causes the problems. So I am glad to have it for when I need it which won’t be often but when you need it it’s a godsend isn’t it? And yes, peace, contentment, and ease are everything.
And you know what? Yes, I am very proud of myself. I didn’t really know if I could stay with it when I started, I really wanted to and I was determined to try but historically it had not been something that I could do. Now with just over 2 weeks left and getting ready to start another year long project I am amazed and pleased and proud of myself. This has been life affirming and life changing for me. So here I am and on I go. Thank you, again and again, for being with me on this journey. It has been a marvelous thing and I’m glad you’ve been with me.
Love to you too honey,
Maitri
You are a work in progress, as are we all. You’ve always had it within you, my dear. But you had to find it yourself. And you did. I knew you could find your true heart and balance. I believe in you. I love you. Always. N
Thank you so much darling Noni, my dear, dear friend…
You have helped me so much and I love you dearly. I appreciate your belief in me. It means more than you could possibly know. And together we will KETO ON!!! 😀
Love you sister,
Maitri
Maitri,
What a wonderful outcome. You survived, you accomplished what your mind and spirit needed, and you feel better for it. So many days are not great but OK. I will accept OK in my life, as that is more the norm. I aspire to good or great, but I am acutely aware that for where I am right now those are merely lofty goals.
We all move on, move forward, and get through life the best as we can.
I admire your chutzpah. You go girl.
Gentle Hugs,
Lauren
Thank you so much sweet Lauren…
I did survive, and today I had therapy, and then went to the bank, got my hair cut, got gas, did my grocery shopping and got home exhausted but with that happy feeling I have when I have made it out and “done all the things.” Tonight I have my weekly video chat with my darling friend and I can just relax. Yesterday was hard but today was better and I got a lot done.
We DO move forward and get through life as best we can. What other choice is there? I choose life! And I am sending you a sweet warm hug too. We are not alone dear friend, we can do this together. I’m so glad to be sharing this journey with you…
Maitri
I see so much Strength and Resilience in you, dearest Maitri. You are a beautiful soul, indeed! We who struggle with a lifetime of anxiety and depression, are quite brave, I say.
Lots of love and admiration for you, precious one. (I’m back on the meds for now)
Thank you so much dear Celia, and I’m so sorry that you also suffer and struggle. I hope the meds help you, they surely have helped me in the past and can be a godsend.
Blessings and love to you dearheart…
Maitri