This morning I woke up at 5:45. I had already been up once at 1:30. I was so tired but I could never go back to sleep. My mind was doing its spiraling dance, getting louder and louder despite my best efforts to quiet it. Breathing slowly in and out, praying, all the usual techniques. By 7:45 I still hadn’t been able to go back to sleep, anxiety was rising, sleep would not come, there was nothing for it but to get up.
I took the dogs out, got them their breakfast and morning meds and made coffee, and was here at my desk by a little after 8. I felt down, sad, kind of anxious and teary. I do pretty well most of the time these days but the hard days will come. I had to make some decisions about what to do. Managing depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues without medication, as I have been for over 8 months except for 10 days recently when I’d had a run of bad days and tried going back on medication with some adverse reactions and it was decided that it would be better, in fact okay for me to go back off medication, and it has been, does not mean that I will not have bad days. The issue is how to manage them when they come. If things got bad again, and were unmanageable, then medication could be an option, but I am not there.
There is only one way to stop anxiety from spiralling out of control which, at my current level, is doable. It takes effort, self-care, gentleness, and compassion for myself. I am approaching this difficult day from all of these angles.
First of all I sat down here with my coffee and before I took the first sip I was making a list in my notebook, getting everything down on paper that was overwhelming and frightening me. Written down in black and white it became, not a scary, amorphous blob of fear, but a list of things that had to be taken care of. Phone calls to make, one in particular not pleasant, some just business to take care of, one that made my stomach flip-flop, but still just a list of tasks that, once taken care of could be dealt with. I kept looking up at the note I keep stuck to the top of my computer, Marie Forleo’s wise counsel, “Everything is figureoutable.” And indeed it is. One by one I’ve been making phone calls and getting things done, crossing things off the list. It feels good.
Still I have a panicky feeling in my stomach. I threw half of my coffee out. I wrote to a friend who is waiting for me to send her something and told her I was having a hard day and may not be able to do it today. I got a package ready to be picked up by Fed-Ex and arranged a pick-up. I made other calls. I am doing this blog post.
The key to anxiety is to get hold of it, like taking a firm grip on the reins of a horse that is trying to run away with you. To do what you can in a concrete manner, tick those things off the list, as many as you can, and let go of everything that you possibly can. When I get this blog post up I am going to draw because that makes me happy. Sometime today I will do my yoga. Exercise is very hard for me when I am having a hard time but I feel better afterwards if I can manage it. I used to just not do it. Today I will make myself. One thing that is crucial, as a 64 year old woman who lives alone, is to take the best care of myself that I possibly can. Yes, I have a daughter I can call on if things get bad and she is very dear and a tremendous help to me but I do not and will not take advantage of that. She works full-time, long hours, she has a husband and son to be with and look after, and a very busy life. She always makes time for me and we are very close but it is important not to take advantage of others when you can take care of yourself. The older I get the more I might need help. I am not going to to ask for help when I can do things myself.
I have, historically, and due to extreme circumstances, serious mental health challenges, including agoraphobia, and being so sensitive to everything in my environment it was hard to get through a day, relied on others to help me with many things, basic life things. One thing that has changed for me in my road to wellness in the last year is the deep desire to do what I can for myself, first and foremost, before calling for help. I am afraid, but I do it, at least I try my best, and am usually successful. Then, when I do need to call on someone, we both know that I have done everything that I could before calling for help. I would want to do this in any case, I had already come to this, but something I heard a few days ago really made it hit home.
I was speaking with someone who has a family member who is about my age and who is not taking care of themself very well at all including engaging in some at risk behavior. What the person I was speaking to said, out of worry and frustration, was that this individual didn’t stop to think that his behavior and lack of taking care of himself didn’t just affect him but family members and others around him who would have to deal with what would happen if something happened to him. This was said by a sensitive, caring person who was worried, not some callous person who just didn’t want to help a family member, and it strengthened my resolve to continue to do everything I could to be responsible and take care of myself. I am fortunate to have family that loves me and will help me if I need help. I also love them enough not to want to be a burden, and to do what I can to be responsible for myself as long as I can. That includes things large and small. That includes taking care of my life in every possible way. That is maintaining a healthy diet, losing the weight I need to lose, exercising even when I don’t feel like it, being safe in every way that I can in my life, and taking care of practical matters in every way that I possibly can. Today that started with making myself get up when I was spiralling downward, starting my day, making the list, making calls, taking care of business.
There is still the matter of that one scary call. I have tried twice, left one message, and the second time just hung up when no one answered. I will try again later. Until I make that connection the anxiety will not abate, not completely. But I have gotten a number of things done, I will keep moving forward, I will get through this day, I will make it the best day that I can. It’s all that I can do, and I’m doing it. And I’m not ashamed to ask you all for prayers, they would help, and if you can send a few up for me I thank you. It’s also wise to ask for the help that we need when we need it. And so I have.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Maitri, you are always in my prayers. I wrote a blog today (thanks to your inspiration) and I talked about having more ‘breathable moments’ in my life. Today I wish for you more of the same. The deep breaths that make us thankful to be in these moments – yes, even the difficult ones. Breathing through them carries a great power.
You are an inspiration. And you are deeply loved. ❤️
🙏🏼
Dear, Dear Maggie, thank you so very much…
I thank you, first and foremost, for the prayers, which I surely need in this moment (and always of course). And then I want to tell you that it is so wonderful that you are writing, it is such a powerful thing and I am so glad that you are using these tools and having more “breathable moments” in your life. May it continue to be so.
And thank you so much for your kind words, they mean more than you could possibly know, especially today. I am sending you a warm gentle hug and so much love.
Blessings,
Maitri
Dearest Maitri
This morning your blog post (or as much as I was able to read) comes to me as a lifeline and a bit like a primer (on life, on anxiety, on being older and alone) and I thank you. This morning I am off to see my doctor and am asking her to put me on meds for anxiety and depression. This is a lifelong thing that has never been addressed. I want to feel better. The fact that you are able to talk about all of this so openly is a blessing to me and I am grateful beyond words. I am not alone. We are all in this together. I look forward to seeing Anna later.
Sue
Oh Dear Sue… I am so sorry that you are suffering and struggling. I know this place so well. And I am glad that you are seeing your doctor and getting some medication, it will help. I am not currently on medication but it helped me for a very long time and I would surely be back on it if I needed to. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. You deserve to feel better, we all do. And I am so glad that my blog post helped you. It is not always easy for me to be so open but I do so in the hopes that it might help someone else who is struggling. If I have been able to help you in some small way it is a blessing in my life and I thank you for telling me.
I will hold you in my heart and prayers dear one, let me know how you are doing, I care, I really do. And I hope that Anna will come today. In this moment I am having a very hard time and not sure I can do it today, but perhaps that simply shows how very much I need to. I will try to summon her. I think she could help me.
Blessings and Love,
Maitri
We’re starting me on a low dose of welbutrin. The really hard part, of asking for help, is over now, thank gawd. I hope that the rest of your day is going well. Thank you for your loving heart.
Big hugs,
Sue
Oh Sue I am so happy that you have gotten this help, it will make such a huge difference for you honey. And just making the decision to do something is so huge just doing that will have seen you a long way. Now it will take a bit for the meds to kick in, usually 2-4 weeks, but after a week or so you will start to feel a difference and there’s something about just knowing that you are doing something that helps lifts the spirits. I will hold you very close in my heart and prayers. I see you starting to feel better very soon.
Big hugs to you too honey…
Maitri
Dearest Maitri…
Food for thought in your words today. I suppose we all have a duty of care for ourselves so that we don’t burden others unless it’s very necessary. Anxiety is my issue at present due to outside circumstance. No doubt all will be resolved, I’m not good at waiting and patience is something I don’t have😅Being 65 and unsure were myself and OH will be in a few months is daunting. Have to have faith I suppose and trust in the Universe. As always yours words help and inspire. We just have to pull up our big girl pants, breathe and do the best we can.
Much love and hugs
Olive😍😍💖💋
Dear Olive,
I’m so sorry you are dealing with anxiety, it is such a heavy cross to bear. I hope that your situation resolves itself soon and the anxiety lifts. It can be a constant struggle and I will hold you in my heart and prayers. I believe that prayers help.
I’m so glad that the post helped you, letting me know that is a blessing to me, I appreciate it and I thank you. You are very kind.
Take care dearheart…
Maitri
Maitri,
I hope all your calls get completed as needed and for your benefit. You are in my prayers as well as the 88 year old best friend of my mothers. Her daughter and I keep in contact. Our mothers went through middle school and high school together. They lived in the same retirement community until my mother’s passing.
It is always good to send out a request for prayers. Where two or more gather……
Jewish Prayer of Healing: May the one who blessed our ancestors, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah, bless and heal those who are ill or need healing. May the Blessed Holy One be filled with compassion for their health to be restored and their strength to be revived. May G-d swiftly send them a complete renewal of body and spirit, and let us say, Amen.
I hope your day improves by the minute as well as your spirits.
Gentle Hugs,
Lauren
Oh Lauren, thank you so much. That is truly one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. I’m going to save it in a little book by my computer that holds things that help me cope, things that help me get through a hard day, things that make me believe that life is possible even for one such as I with so many flaws, and mental health struggles, and countless imperfections. These things remind me that life is indeed possible, that in the face of everything, all the mistakes I have made, God loves me and I can live in love and be love and carry on no matter what.
You have given me such a gift. I thank you with all my heart…
Love,
Maitri
Dear Maitri, I hope you know that you are always in my prayers and I visualize your angels surrounding you for everything you need to do plus having more fun. I hope you are able to complete that phone call soon and hopefully it will be easier than you expected. You are very brave even if you don’t feel it! Also look what you have accomplished this year! WOW!!!!
It is interesting because I was telling my husband that we need to think about making plans in case we are not able to take care of ourselves. At 82 who knows what will happen. I don’t want to be a burden on my son or anyone else for that matter. I wonder what choices there are.
Much Love, Jean
Dear Sweet Jean,
Thank you so much for the prayers and for sending my angels to me. They have helped me today. The phone call finally got through and the deed is done. It is being handled right now and I think my sigh of relief might have been heard around the world! It did take all day until nearly 5 to get it sorted and it wore me down but my heart is so much easier right now and I am deeply grateful. I knew if I asked for prayers my dear ones would come through for me and the prayers would see me through this and they have. It means so much to me.
And yes, this end of life stuff, even if we have a good bit of time left, has to be dealt with before the time comes because otherwise the burden of what to do falls to those we are leaving behind if we have no plans in place. I now have a will, well I had one but I have a revised one, all of my end of life preferences set in order like having a Living Will, my dogs are provided for legally in the will, my son is going to take whatever dogs I may have at the end of my life, I want to be cremated and so on. And there’s more. I hope I have a good bit of time left but past a certain point one never knows and I wanted my kids to know that everything was in place and taken care of. It is such a difficult time for our loved ones at the end of our time and these things are one way to relieve the burden.
As far as the end of life times before we die, and I don’t know about all of this yet, I’m still learning, but doesn’t medicare pay for a nursing home if needed? I may be wrong about that but I thought it was so. So much to learn, but when it is all sorted I believe it will give everyone involved a greater peace of mind.
Much love to you dear one…
Maitri
Maitri, I have learned so much since being a follower. Much of that is due to your honesty and transparency. Those are the reasons I am still here. I have so much still to learn. God bless you, my dear friend.
My husband and I have a will. Having it eased my anxiety about what to do when the time comes. He didn’t think that was such a big deal.
Thank you so much dear Marge, I’m so glad that you are here, I appreciate you so much. And yes, a will is really important. There are so many decisions to be made about our endtimes and it is only responsible to take care of them. Scary, but important, so good for you!
Looking forward to seeing you Sunday night…
Hugs,
Maitri
Hello my dear friend. Thank you for reading my blog post and inspiring me to write more again. This is a wonderful post! I think you are doing very well indeed and I am proud of you. I am sorry you have had some troubles with sleep and anxiety this week. I know how that goes. Especially the sleep. I love that quote from Marie that you mentioned here too. It makes one sigh a sign of relief , doesn’t it? Maybe also, there is sometimes no need t figure everything out.
Hello sweet Bekah,
I really loved your blog post, it was so good and so important, as I said you will help many with that post. I’m so glad to see you writing again.
And yes it was a very hard day but today is much better. It’s the tricky thing for someone like me especially around the medication issue. If I had sustained anxiety and depression that I could not pull myself out of over time I would probably have to go back on medication, and it’s easy, when you have a long history of serious anxiety, depression and more to kind of panic when you have a really hard day because you fear it will not just be a bad day but one of those terrible downward spirals. But I felt in my heart it was a bad day and I would come through it and that’s why I asked for prayers because I know that they help and they surely did.
Today is a better day, and on I go. I hope it’s a good one for you too honey. You are always in my heart and I’m always here for you as you know…
Your post – as I read it I thought ” this is written by a woman who is getting strong and taking charge, even on the hard days. Yay for Maitri!” Some days ARE hard, but we can only just keep getting up and doing the little things….one at a time. When you said you threw out half your coffee I knew the anxiety must be bad- you (and I) love the morning cup. Yes, we must take care of ourselves- us women who routinely put others first find this hard to do. I am sending good vibes your way…..every day.
Thank you so much dear Lorraine, and yes, I AM getting strong, and it feels good, and I’m proud of that, and it comes out of very hard work, being vigilant, doing the next right thing even when I don’t feel like it, and yes, to throw out half a cup of coffee, well that’s not something I would often do! It was a really bad anxiety day.
I am sending you good vibes too honey, and a gentle warm hug. Thank you for being here with me, I am here with you too… 🙂