The Experiment: Day 339 ~ On Going Off Meds Again…

Yesterday I had my appointment with the P.A. who manages my meds. It was a revelation and a relief. I am now off meds again, and this is definitely the right thing for me.

A week and a half ago, after a few weeks of having a hard time, in fact one of my closest friends said she had seen changes in me for some time that were worrisome, I went back on medication after 8 months off of meds. I went back on medication on August 16, Prozac for depression and Buspirone for anxiety. Yesterday, August 27, under the guidance of the man who manages this for me, I went off of both. We jointly decided it was best for me to take a very occasional xanax than to be on ongoing meds every day. This is what I felt was right going into the appointment with my list of reasons why I had thought I needed to be on meds mid-August and reasons why I had come to believe it was not the right decision. I decided I would present these things to Geoff and let him guide me. He is very wise and has been working with psychiatric medications for 30 years.

I had been doing well off medication for several months when my sweet pug Tanner died suddenly and unexpectedly in April. It seemed as though I just couldn’t get past this heartbreaking loss, and in the aftermath of his dying I started to develop a nervous habit of biting the inside of my lip which I seemed unable to stop. I started getting more and more anxious and down. Since the end of December when I was finally off meds I had only taken xanax a handful of times, I went for months not taking any at all. When I took it 3x in one week I called Geoff and said something is wrong. I think I need to go back on meds. As I was to see him in a week and a half anyway, and had the filled prescriptions here in my drawer because I had them filled in January but had never used them, I went back on them as Geoff directed. For a day or two I was relieved, I was “doing something.” But I quickly began to feel I had made a mistake. I committed to staying with the medication until I saw Geoff and I did.

I sat in Geoff’s office yesterday with my list and we went over each point carefully. One of the central reasons I did not want to stay on medication is that I have gained 4 pounds in 10 days, this after working very hard to lose 50 pounds over the last 10 1/2 months with over 100 pounds still to lose. I have stayed very strict with my diet, nothing has changed there, but Prozac can cause weight gain in 25% of people taking it and Buspirone has a much higher weight gain rate. This was simply not going to do. I told Geoff that if he really wanted to see me depressed it would be if I started gaining weight again and couldn’t keep losing toward my goal. He agreed that this would not be a good thing. We talked through the other reasons and one thing he said really touched me in regards to grieving the loss of my beloved Tanner. He say “Medication cannot cure a broken heart.” Yes it can numb you to some extent but that’s not the same thing as healing your heart.

And then, just after going back on medication, something enormous changed and opened up incredible possibilities in my life. I have just written about this in the last days. The realization that within 6 months, when I get medicare, I will lose the services I’ve been relying on and afraid to lose. What that means is that I will be able to do the work in the world that I was born to do. It was as if the doors to my heart swung wide open and sunlight started streaming in the dark, closed chambers of my heart. This has been weighing so heavily on me for so long, to feel that at 64 I would no longer be able to do the work that has mattered to me for decades meant that I would stay in this hell of having very little income and not being able to risk making anything for fear of losing the services I rely on because I would not be able to make enough money to make up for losing the services and then pay for everything out of pocket. It was a Catch-22 situation and as Geoff said yesterday a very unfair, cruel rabbit hole that people in serious need, people who are low income and struggling and afraid fall into and have a very hard time getting out of. Realizing I would lose the services anyway but would have medicare gave me new hope. And it changed everything for me.

When I went back on medication it was in a place of deep fear. Just about 15 months ago I was in such dire shape that my daughter had to call the Mobile Crisis Unit. It was a dark and scary time. I never want to go back there again and I won’t. Geoff is a phone call away and I am going back to see him in 4 weeks to re-evaluate where I am and how I’m doing. This was not a casual or quick decision because I just wanted not to take medication. This was a decision made based on a number of factors, pros and cons, that we went over very carefully. I am being carefully monitored. I am taking very good care of myself. And I am daily charting the status of my brain/emotional state and any signs of anxiety or depression. I have self-care practices in place and they help enormously — diet, yoga, meditation, writing practice, loving family and friends, more. I left his office feeling freed and knowing I had made the right decision. As I was leaving he gave me a big hug. We both felt that it was the right decision.

Medication can be a very good thing. Someone very close to me went on medication for the first time a few weeks ago and it is helping her a lot. If I were in dire straits and medication was called for I would be back on it, I would have stayed on it, but that’s just not where I am. Somehow or another, based on several factors, there has been a huge shift in the last 10 days, far sooner than the medication would have time to affect anything. I am functioning well, I am getting a lot of work done, I am happy, I am making plans for the future, and I am being supervised through this process.

This is a decision that must be very carefully made, for anyone. I don’t just see Geoff for medication supervision I am in weekly therapy. Also one of my daughters is a psychologist. I am being closely watched. My well-being is being monitored from several different angles. I am okay.

So the journey continues on. I am relieved and grateful to be off medication again. We’ll see where I am in 4 weeks time.

The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda