“She is finding her way”
She is finding her way, and I am finding mine.
This morning I decided it was time to start painting again. My soul has been calling me to for some time but I felt lost, I didn’t know where to begin. Awhile ago I put my “100 Ladies Project” to rest. I loved those Ladies, they had their day in the sun, they taught me a lot, but, after 5 years, they had run their course. I didn’t have another single Lady in me. And I knew I had something that wanted to be born but I didn’t know what. What I have decided to do is, without putting any pressure on myself or committing to a 100 day project or anything of that nature, I am simply drawing and painting to see what comes up, what or who is “in there” and wants to come out to play. And of course I drew and painted a version of me. I think the thing is I am charting my course, I am tracking my journey, I am trying to discover what comes next, in art and in life. This is where I begin.
And today I am taking stock. There are only 30 days left in my 365 day search for happiness. And I haven’t just written about happiness, I’ve written about hard times, the ketogenic diet, various things I have done or tried to do, going back on medication, but when I look over the last year I am amazed at the changes in my life. I have lost 50 pounds and am a lot healthier in a lot of ways that I was 11 months ago, I have written a lot and begun to teach again and teaching is the greatest gift, it is like coming home. I am writing a book coming out of my writing classes, I have begun doing yoga, and I am making art again. I am doing a number of other things as well which I have written about here on the blog. What I have been doing is shaping a life without realizing I was doing it. I now know what comes next. I have been deciding in increments along the way, and there’s something else, something huge.
Next month it will be 4 years since my return to this house after being gone for over 8 months while it was rebuilt after the fire. I felt so devastated, so lost, for so long, I could barely breathe, in a thousand different ways. But, as I’m sure is common for anyone who lives through a devastating fire, the thought as so much as a candle burning was abhorrent to me. I only this year got a candle. A candle. I used to have them everywhere. But the big thing is the fireplace. When I was looking for a house I told the realtor that I required 2 things — a fenced yard for my dogs and a real wood-burning fireplace. This house had both, and the fireplace was a great joy to me, until the fire. Now neither a candle nor the fireplace had anything to do with my fire, but still, I couldn’t bear so much as a tiny flickering candle flame let alone a big roaring fire in the fireplace. It has felt like a terrible loss and frankly I thought I would never have a fire in the fireplace again. Until now. Just this week I thought, it’s time, I will order a cord of wood this fall. I am ready to have a fire in the fireplace again. This is huge. I am healing. I wasn’t sure it was ever going to happen.
A glorious fire in the fireplace before the fire…
Yes, I am finding my way, and it’s time. I am still just at the beginning of many things, still going through many changes and challenges, as we all do in life, but I am becoming less afraid to take a chance, to try new things, to recover or reclaim old things. I am piecing my life together with pieces of the past, bits of the present, and building blocks for the future. It is actually a pretty wonderful time. And I am deeply grateful. I am here, I am moving forward, I am alive.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Amazing growth from the ashes, dear Maitri!
What strength and beauty you Are!
I appreciate you very much…
Thank you so much dear Celia, you are very kind, I appreciate your kindness and support so much.
And yes, my life has been a series of Phoenix Rising times but it has taught me that I am stronger than I ever realized. I just keep rising. And so may we all.
Blessings and Love,
Maitri
Wow! Nearly a year has gone by, and you have created so much magic during that time. Hooray and huge hugs, Maitri!
Dear Cathryn, yes! Can you believe it? I feel like I just started this journey yesterday and now I’m into the last month. And it has surely been a journey. I’m so happy that you have been able to be here with me for some of it.
I hope you are having a wonderful summer with your family. I know you must be very busy. Take care and I’m sending you a huge hug too!
Love,
Maitri
It fills my heart with such joy to here so much life in your words. Can’t believe the year is nearly up. Huge congratulations and big hugs to you, dear Maitri.
Thank you so much dear Moira, yes, this year has gone so fast.
And I am sending you a warm gentle hug as well….
I was thrilled when i saw yr painted potrait!!! Wahoo. She – and you – are glorious. You are resurrecting!! You have grown and healed and given us so much over this almost year… it reads like a novel!
Thank u for never giving up!!!
Thank you so much darling Ka. It was so good to be painting again, and yes, the Phoenix is rising once again. It is time. And no I won’t ever give up. Now let’s write some stories!!! 😀
M. xoxox
as I become the Phoenix rising from the ashes…. I too must rise… a baby phoenix and grow into a beautiful fired flame colored from glowing orange to red… and red to orange..
As I grow, I become stronger… and when one lesson is learned I go out in flames and start to grow yet again…
I am so happy you started drawing and painting again!
Dear Julia, yes, here’s to all of us growing and rising and rising and rising…
And thank you honey, it was wonderful to be painting once again…
I’m sure you know what to do regarding making cozy fires in the fp, etc., but I felt lead just now to remind you that the chimney should be swept.
Yes Marge well they cleaned the chimney when they rebuilt the house, had to put on a whole new roof and everything and I’ve never used the fireplace since I moved back in so I imagine it’s fine?
What an amazing year this has been for you dear Maitri! I am so glad I have been following you and watched you rise up above the ashes of your pain. I am influenced in a good way from reading your posts. You are an inspiration! Thank you. Thank you for being open to growing! Wow, I am so looking forward to reading what you do next and read about your happiness that is here too.
Much Love, Jean
Dear Jean, yes, it has been an amazing year indeed, and I am so grateful to you for being part of my journey this year, commenting and here with me in spirit. It has meant more to me than you could possibly know. You are such a kind, caring, loving person. I appreciate you so much. And what a gift to know that you will continue to be here on the journey with me. It means a lot to know that.
Tally Ho and Away We Go! 🙂
Love, Maitri