Silence is a source of great strength.
Lao Tzu
I need the silence, the stillness, like the air I breathe.
The clock on the wall is ticking, one of the pugs is drinking water, I feel the air from the overhead vent meet my skin. All else is still and silent. I am in my element.
This is the deepest thing I know how to teach and the hardest thing for my students to grasp. After we write we read aloud. People want to make comments, they want to tell you why they wrote what they wrote, what it means to them, they want to tell you all the things they left out, they want to rush at you with words. I stop them, gently, I don’t allow it. We write, we read, I say thank you, allow for a moment of silent respect, we go on. When you talk too much the power of what you’ve written is lost. You must carry it inside you, you must allow it to work its magic, if you talk about it you “let the air out of the tires.” We must learn to sit with our own thoughts, we must be fully present to our own lives.
When people rush at me with words I put my hand up to silence them, metaphorically speaking. I hold back, I let the waters of the world rush around me. I am an island in the stream. I have always been so. An only child I learned to keep my own counsel. I had no other choice. As years went by I loved having friends, a husband, my children, but I needed, increasingly, more and more silence to balance it all. When I became agoraphobic nearly 20 years ago, a trip out anywhere was so jarring it took me hours to recover. A trip to get groceries meant sitting for hours in the silence upon my return to be okay. I live my days in silence. No radio, no music, no t.v. Sometimes in the evening, late, past 10 when I get off the computer, I will watch something on Netflix but mostly not. I no longer watch the news. I need to feel the air against my skin, need to hear the clock tick, the pug drink water. I need to hear the things you can only hear in a deeply silent world.
I talk to very few people on the phone. I am not a phone person. I like to talk to my children, and hear the sweet voices of my grandchildren. I talk once in awhile to less than a handful of very close friends. That is it. I don’t enjoy social gatherings, abhor loud parties, cannot bear endless chatter. Some people live to talk. I cannot easily abide those people. I cannot rest easily in the loud jangling noises of the world. This may make me seem distant or cold or unkind and I am none of those things. I love deeply, I care enormously, and I want encounters with other people, when I have them, to be deeply meaningful. I don’t have casual friends and I don’t make casual conversation.
I am thinking about this now because as I started teaching again I took a deep dive back into more silence than I have experienced in some time. I do not long to find things to “fill up the time.” There are never enough hours in the day to read, to study, to write. The sands of the hourglass are trickling away and I have work to do. I am doing it now.
I wrote yesterday about studying Pema Chödrön’s work. I signed up for 3 of her courses which I will do back to back and repeat ongoing as a spiritual practice. This is not something I want to discuss or share or have conversation about. I will share what comes up for me here in my blog posts. Like the kind of silence I tell my writing students they need to allow after the writing that they do so they can go very deep with their writing and let it teach them and inform their lives this is very deep for me. I give what I have to give here, in the blog posts, in my other writing, in my classes, and then I retreat to read and study and write. It is what I both desire and require now. Herein lies my peace, my strength, my work.
I do love to respond to people, the lovely people who comment here on the blog, and I especially love Facebook because it allows me to have a feeling of community, and I can answer people or share things in the time and space that I have to do that but then I turn off the computer and walk away. It is “controlled communion.” I view social media in the same way. I can engage when I am able and then turn it off. I am reclusive by nature, I let very few people into my world. I am elusive, I am a ghost.
I am writing about this because I need to understand it all for myself. A couple of things have occurred lately that have made me pull back and want to run and I need to look at that, understand it, be at peace with it. I am here with you now as I write this, I am looking deeply into your eyes, I am hoping you understand.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Yes! That. Exactly! So well said. That is what I feel, too. And I tend to apologize for being like that. But reading your post makes me question that. You too, not just weird me!
I guess I could be like I am, without apologizing. Accept my needs like I accept those of others. Thank you again, dear Maitri!
Oh Silke, you are not weird, and I hope you will indeed accept your needs like you accept others. We cannot give from an empty well. We give what we can, in the way that we can, and it is important for us not to have to spend time apologizing for who we are. You are fine, and so am I. Find your peace and hold onto it. Just be you…
I totally understand where you are coming from… I can’t stand noisy restaurants, Noisey parties, chit chat. I love quiet time on interrupted where I can garden, read, write, or even nap. I do enjoy intimate communion with treasured friends, email communication, and texting with a few close companions and my family that my husband is much more extroverted and can go all day long from one thing to another… We have learned to harmonize our differences after 31 years!
Yes dear Ka, I know these things about you and I think that is why you are one of my closest and dearest friends. You understand, and I love texting with you and writing with you, and emailing. These things are precious and deep delights to me. And how lovely that you and Tom have found a balance that works for you. And I love knowing that you are having a wonderful time in Maine just now. Enjoy the rest of your trip. I love you honey…
M. xoxox
Maitri,
Isn’t it wonderful that everyone is different. I don’t like big gatherings, movie theatres, noisy restaurants, etc. I do like small gatherings with special people. But I need noise. Almost all the time. The TV softly in the background, music playing, or a pod cast going on while I do my work. In fact usually I have background noise while I read or write. I find it soothing. The best thing is knowing what you need and giving it to yourself in blissful acceptance.
Gentle Hugs,
Lauren
I like a white noise in the background. But certain sounds set my teeth on edge–lawn mowers, industrial and domestic ones; backfiring cars; bursting balloons; gunfire; and firecrackers. Ugh!
Yes dear Lauren, this is exactly so, and you put it so well —
“The best thing is knowing what you need and giving it to yourself in blissful acceptance.”
This is so important. May we each find our way to peace and rest in the knowledge that when we follow our natural rhythms and our soul’s deepest knowing about what we need, what is best for us, we will be living our best possible life.
And I am sending you a warm gentle hug, I hope you are resting well tonight…
Maitri
Oh how I understand! From the time I was a child I sought out places to just be. I never needed or liked parties, or social gatherings. I still don’t. There is so much noise in our modern world, I seek the quiet. I do love nature’s sounds, but electronic noises and lights and humming and whirring makes me crazy. Monday I had my first reiki session. I found there was one note – one frequency – in the soft subtle background music that sent a shock through my system. I am interested to find out why. I cannot sleep with fans, or tv, or music in the background. I love the quiet so much. I am so glad to hear you say your three classes are for you, sacred and protected with no need or desire to share it all. You are so deserving of that sacred space. I do understand.
Ah Maggie, I do so understand all that you’ve written. I am a Reiki Master though I am not practicing but it is something very dear to my heart. It is a lovely healing modality. It will be interesting to find out what that note was that you responded to so strongly. Now I myself can’t sleep without a ceiling fan, I have one in every room in my house, and they are silent, they don’t make any noise, but I need the air. I can’t sleep comfortably without the air, but I wouldn’t like one that was noisy.
You too deserve that sacred space. We all do. I wish more women would take it for themselves. It is vital for our well-being. I hope you are having a peaceful, restful evening. I look forward to seeing you Sunday night…
One of the things I would love to do in this life is go on a silent retreat. It feels like it would be very beneficial for my spirit.
I relate to everyone’s need for downtime away from the world. It seems like the more interconnected we become, the more we need to unplug and decompress periodically! One wonders if we will ever find a balance point.
I also relate to wanting to keep certain things private in the face of “let’s share everything online!” There’s a reason we all have a Shadow side, because not all of our aspects are comfortable in the harsh light of Awareness. We gestated in darkness; we best rest in darkness. We need the dark quiet places to rejuvenate.
I’m definitely looking forward to some quiet time tonight, for sure. I will meet you in the Silence, as we dream…
Ah Victoria, the silent retreats are so healing and restful. I hope you can do one some day. And yes, I’m so glad that you understand. I share a lot of myself here, on the blog, and in my classes, which I love, but some things need to just be for me, worked on in the silence here, and carried in my heart. I do not want, need, or desire all of my parts and private places to be known or seen. I am very open on this blog but there is a lot people don’t and will never see or know. That’s for me. And shall remain so.
I so loved what you wrote about the shadow side, gestating and resting in darkness. Yes, yes, yes. I hope you have found that peaceful silent place tonight, and that your dreams are soothing, healing and restorative…