And so I went back on medication today for the depression and anxiety that were getting worse by the day. I am doing this with an incredible lot of support as well as the concern of one friend who is extremely anti-medication. His fears weigh heavy on my heart and are hard to take, but I must find my way to health and wholeness in the way that feels best and right to me. This is it. But there is more that I am dealing with.
Yesterday I wrote about the fact that I was committed to the ketogenic diet even though it wasn’t able to keep me off medication, that it has helped me in so many ways. And indeed it has, in fact one of the hugest benefits of keto has been that it reversed the prediabetic state I had been in for at least 3 years. This is a very good thing and my blood sugars have been normal since the beginning of the year and will stay so as long as I stay keto which I am. The problem is that before I started keto, in those prediabetic years, I developed significant neuropathy in my feet. They are not painful, but there is a lot of numbness. This is scary. You have to be really careful. The diet will help keep them from getting worse but the damage is already done, nerve damage is not reversible, and it is extensive in my case. My foot doctor said to me yesterday, “If I were to give you a number, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst, your feet are at an 8. Your feet are considered at risk.” I knew I had neuropathy, I never realized it was that bad.
I cannot walk for exercise because I can stumble and fall. I cannot get down on the floor to do yoga, say, because I cannot get back up on my feet, they don’t hurt but they feel odd. It makes me afraid. And there is nothing I can do about it but be strict with diet so my blood sugars stay normal. If I did not take care of myself I could be one of those people who one day lost her feet. As it is I have to be extremely careful when cutting my toenails, say, because I could cut myself and not feel it. My feet are at risk. That is not something that, at 64, I wanted to hear. Today I left a message at the clinic. I want to get the paperwork to get a Handicapped placard for my car. I wouldn’t always use it. I don’t need it, say, to go to the grocery store or places where I can park and walk a short distance into where I’m going. But in this town there are places where parking is so bad that without being able to park in a handicapped spot I would have to park blocks away and walk. I cannot do that. I will never be able to do that again.
In my life my feet have been a challenge. In the 90’s I had a tumor growing in the bottom of my foot and had to have surgery. As it was healing I fell and broke the same foot. It was a year before I could walk again and I never quite walked right after that. In 2004 I fell down a flight of stairs and broke both feet, badly. In the emergency room the doctor said to me, looking at my x-rays, “You didn’t break your feet, you shattered them.” It was again a year before I could walk unaided by a walker, and then a cane, but my feet were so damaged from that fall, my big toe on my left foot healed very badly, that I have never been able to do foot related things with ease since. Now in these last years came the neuropathy. I will stay on the ketogenic diet, I will get healthier than I’ve been in years, I will lose all the weight I need to lose even if it takes me 3 years to do it, but I can’t change what has happened to my feet.
Today I sat here looking at my life and thinking, “Okay, so I’m back on meds to help ease the pain of my troubled mind, I am on the diet that will heal my body in many ways, I am going to study and learn everything I possibly can to take care of my feet. What else is there to do? I am on a journey to wellness, to feel as good as I possibly can on every level. I have limitations, I always will. It feels daunting. I feel afraid. But I can either sit in fear or do the best I can with what I’ve got. I once took a course I am going to pull out and redo. It is called Ass-Kicking With Limitations by the amazing Esmé Weijun Wang. She has lived for years with chronic illness and yet has created amazing work in the world, working within her limitations. I am going to learn how to create a life within the confines of the limitations that I have as well, physical, mental, and emotional. It is possible. I believe that. I know that.
And so today, in an attempt to find a way to live my life with an easy heart, I am making a list of what I can and cannot do and I am going to expand on all the cans and let go of what cannot be. There is so much more that I can do than that I can’t. I am going to start kicking ass with the limitations that I have. I am going to do this thing. You can too.
I would love for you to write in the comments below and tell me how you are going to kick ass with any real or perceived limitations that you have. You can do this. Let’s do this together.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Sounds like a great plan! I tried chair yoga for old folks when I was incapacitated…helps keep the joints limber. Those Aisian Qigong, Bai Bi Yun Dong, Tai Chi or something similar really helps balance, I used to just do a couple, now I just make up excuses. Lol Many blessings to you on your journey, I hope everything works out for you! Much love to you dear Maitri ❤️
Thank you so much dear Ellie. I just rode my bicycle. I got a recumbent bicycle about a year and a half ago, never much used it, or started and quickly fell off, but now I am using it. I go well for a few days and then fall off but keep working at it. I am far too sedentary and I still have so much weight to lose that it’s hard to do much exercise but I can go 10 minutes now and that’s a triumph! I am working up to 15 minutes and eventually, in time, 30 minutes is the goal. But I need to do something like stretching or moving my body in other ways and I have thought about just some of the things you mentioned. A woman I follow whose podcasts I listen to 5 mornings a week regularly does Qigong and loves it and raves about how good it makes her feel. I will try to find a youtube video I can do it with. I’ve heard from a lot of people who lost a lot of weight and didn’t exercise much at first because it was just too hard but the more weight they lost the more they could do, and so I’m trying. And getting the circulation going in my legs and feet on the bike is good for my feet. So on I go, doing my best.
It’s so good to hear from you honey, I hope all is going well for you too…
Hugs,
Maitri
Hi Maitri, so pleased you had the wisdom to hop back on your meds. Please look into the medical medium, Anthony William and go to his soundcloud account – there is a post on bipolar and how you can heal your mind with chelation, wild blueberries and low protein diet. Heavy metals are in fact the reasons why people have bipolar – this is not known in the psychiatric profession. The chelation removes the heavy metals like mercury which attach to lesions in the brain while the wild blueberry heals the brain of the lesions.
I have only had one depressive episode this year which is totally out of the ordinary. I credit it to the medical mediums advice. He has healed and cured all kinds of people. As for changes I’m just going to take small steps to rectify things I don’t like – I may look into getting a small dog as a pet companion. I will have to find out if the local vet is willing to give an animal another chance that people want euthanased. Or go to Peninsula Animal Aid to rescue a small dog. I have tried so hard to lose weight but it must come off somehow.
Glad you’re doing so well Leeanne and found something that works for you that you are happy with. We must each find our way. And I hope you do get a little companion. I couldn’t get by without my babies, dogs are the most loving beings in the world. Good for you…
Yes that is true, sorry if I imposed upon you Maitri. Each of us must be guided according to what is right for us. If it does not feel right then its obviously not for you so I don’t normally push agendas or give advice so don’t worry or feel inconvenienced. I have been to Peninsula Animal Aid online and checked out their adoption pages…no suitable doggie. Will keep looking! I am going to follow your lead and lose weight, part of it means cutting down my zyprexa. But its so hard losing weight on this medication. I am so overweight and just need to shed the pounds. Now after treating my brain with the medical medium protocol I feel its safe enough to drop the dosage. I have not had an episode since the flu vaxx which was in April. I attribute it to the high levels of mercury in the vaxx and did heavy metal chelation intensive soon after and had no recurring episodes this year. Last year had 7 episodes Maitri. So now no episode. But weight loss is the next stage of my journey
Yes Leeanne we each must find our own way and I am doing the things that feel right for me but I so appreciate you being concerned and sharing what was in your heart to share. And I’m sorry you haven’t found the right dog yet but I trust that you will and know that he or she will bring much happiness to your life.
And good luck with the weight loss journey. At 64, and after a lifetime of every kind of diet imaginable, and at one point being almost 400 pounds, I finally found what works for me not just for weight loss but in so many ways and that is the ketogenic diet. Again we each must find what works for us but it is an answer to 1000 prayers for me. I wish you the best of luck on your weight loss journey. It is truly life changing.
I am doing things little by little. I have some neuropathy in my feet. The medication to help keep my blood sugar down that I was on for years negatively affected my kidneys. So I’m drinking lots of water so I don’t need to go on dialysis. My mom’s dad’s family has a policystic kidney disease gene and my grandfather and 3 of his brothers died from it. Two of my mom’s sisters and most of their kids have it. Thank God my mom or my sisters and I did not have it. We got type 2 diabetes. I am not on insulin.
I go to the gym three or four times a week. I do little exercises throughout the day…while I stand doing dishes, quick stretches on the three steps down to the garage when I have fed the cat or on the bathtub. I can’t jump rope in the house without bringing the ceiling down on top of me. I used to do Tai Chi but I don’t remember all the moves. Anyway, I do what I can!
Marge I am so sorry to hear that you also have neuropathy and that you had an adverse reaction to the medication. And thank goodness you don’t have the kidney disease.
It sounds like you are doing a lot to keep active. Good for you honey. This is the biggest challenge for me because I’ve led such a sedentary life for so long being so overweight but now that I am down 50 pounds it’s getting easier to move. I still have a long way to go but I am well on my way. Yes! We do what we can, we are both doing that! Good luck to you honey with all that you are doing…
Being active in some sort of way is key! Even if you can’t really feel your feet, using a support of some sort may be helpful. But I love the recumbent bike, too!
Yes Lisa, being active, which hasn’t been comfortable for me in so many years because of gaining so much weight, is not easy, but baby steps can take you all the way up a mountain, one step at a time! And, on my bicycle, 10 minutes FEELS like climbing a mountain, but I do it. I listen to an audiobook while I do it and that helps.
I’m so sorry that you have the neuropathy complications, but I’m glad the recumbent bike is a good thing, Maitri!
When I was in graduate school, and quite overweight, I could barely exercise for 5 minutes at a time to start. But when I gradually lost the extra weight and totally changed my diet to a healthy one — well, that’s been good since then, although I’ve struggled with it, quite a bit, at times.
I have an arthritic big toe (from a broken toe as a undergraduate student), so I can understand a very little bit how limiting the neuropathy is —I’m trying to get back to lifting weights at the Y (ugh) as my upper body strength is nil — bicycling wipes me out, because of the arm strength and leg strength required, so I’m trying to build up again.
So as you write, we keep going on, and going on our way!
Oh my Lisa how we have suffered and struggled in our lives, most of us, one way or another. I used to love to ride my bike, I mean a real bike, out in the world. When my children were young taking off on my bike around the neighborhood was time alone and I just loved it. Now I wouldn’t feel safe or comfortable doing that but the recumbent bike is a huge help and it’s right here in my studio.
I love hearing how you and others are making your way with all of this, it helps me keep on with my journey. And yes we shall keep on keeping on! We can all do this together! 🙂
Yeah, ass-kicking. Well, I am back in the hospital for my legs, looking into psych meds for my black dog depression, and just bottoming out. Love to you, Braveheart.
Oh dear Trece I am so sorry to hear that you are in the hospital and that the black dog has got you. I know this pain so well. I will be holding you very close in my heart and prayers that your legs get better and you get the help you need for depression. I’ve been on meds and off and back on again. I was glad to be able to be off but I am equally grateful to have the meds here to help me during these hard times. I know they will help you.
Bless you honey, stay in touch and keep me posted as to how you are doing…