I have written a lot about the fact that after having been on the ketogenic diet for a couple of months I was able, under careful supervision, to go off all of my psych meds. They were titrated down carefully and the last time I had the meds refilled was January 8. I have not even opened the bottles of the Buspirone or Prozac since I had them filled and have only taken the Xanax a handful of times. The trouble is I’ve taken Xanax 3 times in the last week. I am unravelling, things have become very hard for me, this is not good.
I have always been very open about being on medication and have never felt shame about being on it but the truth is that medication, in the past, was over-prescribed for me at doses that were too high and it was a very bad thing. I was also on Xanax for 20 years something that should not be done. It is not only highly addictive but now research shows that it may contribute to dementia and Alzheimers and more. I do not want to be on Xanax. I was put on Buspirone a year ago, a non-addictive drug not in the Benzodiazapine category as Xanax, Valium and others are. Buspirone does not work like Xanax, you don’t take one once in awhile when you are having a bad time, it has to be in your system for a few weeks before it will even work well. I was put on Buspirone to help me get off of Xanax and it helped me do just that. The Xanax then was to be used on an as needed basis and for 3-4 months I didn’t take Xanax at all.
The thing is, now, that I have written so much about being able to go off my meds that I kind of cringed as I knew I had, in full disclosure, to write about going back on some medication. The ketogenic diet is amazing and has been very helpful with mental health issues, surely it has helped me, but I have had a lifelong struggle with mental illness, and the science shows that what I suffer from can be a relapsing and reoccurring condition. I know that the ketogenic diet helps, but it is not the be all and end all that I had hoped it would be for my mental health issues. I am surely still completely ketogenic and will remain so and my hope is that I will not have to be on medication long to get things turned around. But a little over a year ago I was in such a bad state the Mobile Crisis Unit had to be called, I could barely function, I dreaded every day and could barely get through them, I could not stop crying and was crippled by horrific anxiety. That, after having been without Xanax for the most part for nearly 8 months, I have had to take it 3 times in the last week, after not having had it for many weeks before that, is not a good sign at all.
I am waiting for a call right now to see how to proceed. The medication is sitting right here because I had it refilled in January and never took it. I will soon know what my P.A. wants me to do. He is absolutely fabulous, he has been doing this for over 30 years and his understanding of medications and the individual is sensitive and profound. He cheered me on as I went on the ketogenic diet and started getting so much better. He adjusted my meds every 4 weeks until I was off of them completely and then, finally, I only had to see him every 3 months to check in. I think I will now be back to every 4 weeks and on medication. It breaks my heart, I had hoped never to be back here again, but I won’t rely on Xanax and I have to get this under control.
The stigma around mental illness and medication is absolutely brutal. And because some people have been prescribed too much medication with bad results, or become addicted to the Benzodiazapines, people are understandably afraid of the medications and warn you against them. But unless and until you have suffered for months and maybe years on end with crippling depression and anxiety and for me bipolar disorder, which seems not to be a problem for me right now, you cannot know how deep and terrible the suffering is, how miraculous the medication can be, and the knowledge, once on medication for which you are properly diagnosed and dosed, that you can actually have a life, that you can function, that you can get up in the morning without being so crippled by anxiety before you even get up that you are afraid to get up at all, well, that is a miracle. I said when I was finally off all medication that I was so happy to be off medication, but that if I ever had to go on it again I would. I hoped not to have to. I hope that maybe I will only have to go on medication again for a few months. But my brain chemistry will determine that and as I write this I don’t know if I will be going back on the Prozac again or not.
I have been fighting this for awhile now. I have been feeling so ashamed at the thought that having written so much about being able to go off medication I would end up back on it but I am unravelling, this is not good, and I will not feel shame for doing what I need to do to feel well again and better able to manage my life. I don’t yet know what this is going to look like in terms of which meds and how much but I will be writing about it here. I will keep you posted.
I am asking you, please, to hold me in your thoughts and prayers. I am having a really hard time. I am crying as I write this. But I have always been transparent and honest about my struggles in the hopes that I could help someone else who was suffering. I will continue to do so, and if you are suffering I will hold you in my heart and prayers. Please take care of yourself, get the help you need, do not be ashamed to take medication if you need it, and please get a good therapist. Mine saves me ongoing. Do not go without the help you need.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
So proud of you for acknowledging what you need and working with your care providers to get back on track. I am honored to be in your circle. I carry you in my prayers each and every day. No one should ever be shamed or feel shame for addressing mental health issues. I need you in my world, so thank you for loving yourself enough to take care of yourself. ❤️
Thank you so much dear Maggie, your kindness means the world to me and your prayers mean so much. And I am so glad that we are part of one another’s lives. It means the world to me. I am sending you so much love and a gentle, warm hug…
Maitri
Medication is so complicated, and varies even within one person. It’s good that you have an excellent support system. Those us us in a more distant circle hold you with love and in our prayers.
Thank you so much dear Kathleen,
And yes, it is complicated, and sometimes heartbreaking, and for some of us, life saving. I would appreciate it, so much, if you would hold me in your prayers. In the end they help most of all…
Love,
Maitri
Dear Maitri, well done for taking good care of yourself. I’m glad you have a good doctor, I’m sure he’ll be able to help you feel better. Hugs and much love to you and the pugs. xxx
Thank you dear Jenny, I appreciate your love and support so much…
Sending thoughts and energy to you, Maitri. You do so much good by sharing the complete range of your experiences, post by post. I’m beginning to think the term mental illness isn’t a very useful label, when there’s such a spectrum of conditions that can vary according to situation and other circumstances, and the term has such a negative tone in normal use, unlike other many other conditions .
Yes dear Lisa, the words “mental illness” sadly have very negative connotations but I use it purposefully because my struggles are indeed mental illness. The thing is if you have a broken leg it’s just a broken leg, if you have diabetes it is diabetes, but “mental illness” covers so many things, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and on and on. If your brain is “broken” that may manifest in many ways, needing different treatments or medications, but they are all illnesses of the brain and all fall under “mental illness.” It’s a shame that there isn’t any easier way to define it but in saying I struggle with mental illness (Serious depressive disorder, a very serious anxiety disorder, PTSD, Bipolar disorder coming out of both biochemical, hereditary origins as well as having been seriously sexually abused from 4-18 and who knows what kind of mess that all created!) I stand with all the men and women who also suffer from illnesses of the brain. We suffer, we struggle, some of us don’t make it and I believe, with my whole heart, that those of us who do, no matter how hard we struggle, have a responsibility to help others who suffer and struggle in any way that we can. This blog, and perhaps a book, is my attempt to do so. We all do what we can…
A wise doctor once said that medications are but one set of tools in a vast toolbox we have to get through Life. Using these tools, whether temporarily or permanently, is nothing to be ashamed of, especially when Life is forcing us to use ALL the tools in the Toolbox these days!
Anyone who judges you can be blocked and removed from your life. Do what you need to do to keep you safe and serene.
Sending a little extra Serenity your way… <3
Thank you so much my darling, dear Victoria…
And you know honey, medication is a tool, most definitely, but it is more serious than that.
I can’t tell you the number of people knowing not only that I am a writer but that I am a teacher of a very healing writing class (Many therapists, counselors, and ministers have referred people to me for decades because my classes are such a powerful addendum to the work that they do with their patients, clients, etc.) that I should just “write my way through it.” Would that it could be so. For some of us medication is not just a “tool” nor is it something we can write our way out of it is something we can use to save our lives and without which we might die. And many of our brothers and sisters have died.
No, it is not just a tool. It is so much more than that. And so hard to explain to people who cannot or will not understand. But as in so many ways in life it is a mystery. I stand in the mystery. I am grateful to be off medication when I can be and grateful for it when I need it. Beyond that I don’t know what else to say.
But I thank you for that extra dose of serenity, and for the love you always give me, and I love you so dearly, today, and always…
Maitri
Dear Maitri,
I am so sorry you are feeling ashamed. I don’t think any less of you for having to take medication. In fact I honor you for being so open and vulnerable writing about it. I am sorry it is affecting you this way but knowing you, you will work through it beautifully in the special way you have.
I am visualizing you surrounded by loving angels who understand and will help you with all you need whether you notice them or not. They are there and they LOVE you!
Take care of yourself dear friend as you are doing. I hold space for you with much Love.
Jean
Thank you sweet Jean, I appreciate your love and kindness so much. I am about to jump in the shower and head out to a 5:00 doctor’s appointment at the clinic. We keep on keeping on as best we can. As my dear friend Jeffrey says, “What else is there?” Nothing. We keep on keeping on. And that is what I am doing.
Onward and upward and away I go…
Bless you, Maitri. Your transparency and honesty leave me in admiration. Whatever it takes to heal you, do it. Hugs, Marge
Thank you dear Marge, you are very kind…
May you feel all the love that is flowing toward you, may you feel no shame as you make wise decisions for your own well-being. Big, big hug!
Thank you so much darling Zann, I appreciate that so much. I appreciate the hug and I am so happy you are in our Sunday Night Writing Group. You are such a lovely member and it makes me so happy to have you there.
Blessings and love and a big hug to you…
Maitri
Maitri you are very much in my thoughts and prayers. Please do what you need to do to be well. Thank you for trusting us enough to share your truth with us all. Sending you love and big hugs.
Thank you sweet Moira, I appreciate your kind thoughts and appreciate the prayers most of all. I am doing what I need to do to take care of myself. And deepest love and blessings to you too honey…
I HEAR you.
I SEE you.
I GET it.
I am in the hospital again, and had a psych consult. The dr wants to put me on medication for my depression, but it will need to wait till I am off the antibiotics I am on. It makes me sad, too, to have to go back on something. Praying for you, Braveheart. xoxo
Darling Trece, thank you so much…
And again I am sorry you are back in the hospital. I hope the antibiotics work their magic very soon and you can get on the psych meds that will pull you up and out of the black pool of depression. And I know, I am not happy to have to go back on medication, but at the same time I am grateful that the meds are there. We do what we have to do to get well. It is about quality of life and we all deserve the best we can get, by whatever means.
I am holding you in my thoughts and heart and prayers. May you find peace soon…
Love,
Maitri