Jenny, 6 year old Pierce, Andrew holding 3 year old Silas, and I
This is the hard part, when they have just left. They are at the airport now and will shortly board the plane to take them back to Chicago. Jenny is my eldest (I’m actually the only one who gets to call her Jenny which I have always called her. She is Jennifer or Jen to everyone else.) We haven’t seen them since Christmas and won’t see them again until this coming Christmas so these times are precious indeed. It is never enough time but we are so happy to have them here, we had a wonderful visit and many happy memories to take us forward. This is what I have been writing about in the last days, the difficulty in accepting that they are so far away and we get to see them so seldom. It is heartbreakingly difficult for me, I would give anything to have all of my children and their families here, and I struggle terribly with this. No matter what else I do in my life I am first and foremost a mother, and a grandmother. It’s what matters most to me in the world.
We went out to eat a few times, ate at Rachel’s house a couple of times, the kids all went to the beach a couple of different days and took the little ones out for some activities they enjoyed, and best of all for me was yesterday when Jenny and Rachel came here for a visit in the afternoon. Having my girls here together was just the best. We talked about so many things and it felt so special and lovely and sweet. How in the world did the years go so fast? Hold your babies close, they will be grown and off into their own lives before you know it!
Jenny, Rachel and I at Rachel’s house today before they left…
But it is always this time just after they leave when I feel like I can’t breathe. I cry. I feel heartbroken, and then the days pass and we settle in to what life is here for us and there for them. It is a mobile society now, people live all over everywhere. I thank God every day that Rachel lives here with her family. I literally don’t know what I would do without them. I talked to Rachel a little while ago. It’s hard and sad for her too, the sisters are really close, and Rachel adores her nephews, my little grandsons Pierce and Silas. Next month my son Aaron, my baby, will be here with his family and we are looking forward to that, and then we will all gather for the holidays. Until then I will figure out, once more, how to make that shift that is loving and mothering from afar my 2 children who live out of town and their families, and I will cherish every moment I get to spend with Rachel and her family. I recently got to take my 14 year old grandson Lucas, Rachel’s son, my eldest of 4 grandsons, out for the day, and we had a wonderful time. The lesson of course is to focus on what you do have, relish the time you can spend together, and love love love them all madly every way you possibly can.
One of the things the girls and I talked about yesterday is how to use the technology at our disposal to help facilitate as much closeness as we can across the miles. FaceTiming on the iPhones, and now that I have the video platform Zoom for my classes I can use it to create a special “room” for our whole family to get together from wherever we are once in awhile to all talk together. We are going to do everything we possibly can to be as close as possible, even though two of the families live so far away.
I would love to hear from those of you who have your children living away as to how you facilitate closeness across the miles. It is so important. For now I am going to gather all the loving memories of the last few days into my heart and hold them close. There is never enough time together, but I celebrate every single moment that we have had and am grateful for them all.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
I sit here crying for you , for me , for my grandson, for all mothers that have to let go of their children and see them only through the miracle of Facebook and the video chat.
My JennySue lives so far from me and for 18 long years I had not seen her. We talked on the phone several times a year. But facebook came and we chatted and well now we have video chat…
This last summer I met my son inlaw for the first time and my grandson. We had three glorious days together. but when it was time for them to go … I too could show how much it hurts.. I had to smile and hugs.. and kiss my sleeping grandson goodbye. Then it was saying goodbye to my JennySue .. we hugged and I told her how much these three days meant to me.. she had tears and I had tears and I waved as she drove away down the street.. and then I sobbed and Charlie held me… knowing my pain and happiness and rolled up in one…
Then when I couldn’t cry anymore I called my mom and told her I am so sorry for the pain I caused you over the years Mom .. I didn’t know until now just how deeply you love me .. cause I love Jenny that deep… and how saying goodbye goes to the root of that deepness.
Mom said yes it does Julia Nan and I wouldn’t change a thing would you? no Mom I wouldnt.
We are so lucky Maitri that we can love so deeply that it hurts…. hugs
Oh Julia I am so sorry for you honey, these things are just so hard, especially if you were from a generation like I was and perhaps you were where almost all of the family lived really close and there were constant gatherings that included aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, so many. I had one aunt who moved away and it broke everyone’s heart. They visited as did our family with them but it was always painful. And you put it so well, pain and happiness all rolled into one. And no, I wouldn’t change a thing either. And I love them with my whole heart bigger than the moon, I cherish and adore them. We just must do what we can to stay as close as possible. In my case not being able to travel for many reasons makes it especially hard because they would love for me to visit there but I just can’t. I did once after my 6 year old grandson was born and it was a glorious visit, but that was before the fire. Since the fire everything has changed for me, so now we rely on them coming here and technology.
I am sending you so much love dear Julia, and an easing of the heart, however it may come…
Hugs,
Maitri
Maitri, I am so familiar with this sadness. I, too, live away from my children and grandchildren. It makes it so hard, especially when they leave after having such a close visit. It never gets any easier.
We have formed some routines. My daughter calls me on her way to work after she drops her daughter at daycare. It is ‘our time’. We talk about our days and nights – just casual conversation as if we lived next door. My son and I do not talk as often, but when we do chat, once a week or so, our talks are longer and more in depth.
As far as the grandkids, we text mostly, however I have started sending little cards. They love getting mail and I have such fun finding cute cards to send. I just try to make them fun and uplifting. I find fun stickers and stamps and they just love it.
There is one lesson I learned a long time, in another iteration of my life. My ex’s mother made leaving so painful for everyone, it made everyone dread visiting. It was so hard to watch. I decided then and there I would not be that mother. I am not saying I do not cry – I do, but I try so hard to keep it together so the leaving doesn’t hurt so much. It is hard. They know how much I love them and seeing me so terribly sad makes it that much harder on them.
We all use technology: SnapChat, videos through messenger, Skype, Duo, Google Chat, or FaceTime. It all makes us feel closer. I just love your idea of using Zoom for family get togethers. What a great idea! 💕
Be easy on yourself today. Wrap your mind around the joy of the visit and the memories you made. Surrounding you with love and understanding. ❤️
Oh Maggie… sigh… so many of us know this heartache. How lovely that you talk to your daughter every day. I talk to Rachel and text with her pretty much daily or multiple times in a day and she is my sweetest blessing being so close to me. Jenny who just visited is so busy. We talked about this today. She gets up between 4 and 5 every day to have some time to herself before she has to get the little boys up and fed and dressed and lunches packed and on and on and now this year they will BOTH be going to the school she teaches at! Pierce the 6 year old has been at her school the last 2 years. None of them in her classes of course. Jenny has been a first grade teacher for years and will start teaching 2nd grade this year, but as she leaves school her little boys are with her and at home for the evening, feeding them, doing all of the things a working mother of 2 small boys must do. She said some nights she barely has energy to brush her teeth and she’s in bed not long after they are. She has very little time to talk on the phone but she tries now and again and we are going to try to FaceTime more. My son FaceTimes me with my 2 year old grandson every other week or so. He and his wife too are working parents of a toddler. Rachel works very hard long hours as a psychologist who works with children with autism, and is the mother of a 14 year old who just started highschool so she is also very busy but because she is here we are able to be close.
I swear it went through me like a knife when you wrote about your ex’s mother. I keep a good face on things as they are leaving, hug them, smile, and make sure we have a really good positive time when they are here but they know it is hard for me. When I get in the car alone to drive home I cry. I don’t want to be that kind of mother making them feel guilty but it’s hard not telling them how much you miss them. Oh it’s all so hard.
You had some very good suggestions here and I will take them to heart. Thank you so much honey. I appreciate them all…
Love,
Maitri
doesn’t jenny have a husband who can share time with the kids so she will have some me-time? there was no mention of him in any of this!
yes, i am very very lucky alana went to college and grad school only 2 hours away, and has lived back in Talla since graduating (going on six years now), and only two miles away. we get to see her fairly often, and text and send pics too. but she has her own life and i have mine (and i always have, despite being an immersion mother for the first two years, at least), and i don’t feel hurt when she’d rather be with her friends or just have some quiet time at home after so many hours working at her architectural firm.
we know we love each other and are there for each other.
i’m sure my mom wished i lived closer — i would see her and dad only two times a year after i left home at age 17, and once alana was born, they came more often to visit us, but they both had very full rich lives, and didn’t seem to mourn that me and my brother lived far away. i think it’s a temperament thing, too.
i’m sorry it is so painful when your kids leave, and you suddenly feel their absence.
it would be nice to have a girlfriend event planned soon after to help cheerlead you back into equanimity. well, maybe writing the blog helps, and the sunday night writing group too.
i send you hugs of devotion and tenderness!!!
Thank you dear Katya and goodness you make a very good point! Andrew is a fantastic husband and very engaged father. I was making the point, when I wrote to Maggie if that’s what you are referring to, how busy Jenny is because Maggie said she talks to her daughter each morning after her daughter drops her child off at daycare. Because Jenny gets her boys to school along with her, and when they were littler got them to daycare on the way to school to teach, she doesn’t have time for the phone calls. She and Andrew work beautifully together as a team with the boys. You can see him at the picture at the top of this post, I love him dearly.
And I’m sure it was hard for your parents to have you so far away but as you say it is very much a temperament thing, and then your parents had each other too. I am alone and my whole world, homebirths, long term breastfeeding (There was not one day in 12 years I was not breastfeeding a child. Rachel and Aaron tandem nursed! That long term breastfeeding for years I think really forges profound bonds.) Homeschooling all the way through high school so it wasn’t like they were off to school at 4, 5, or 6 and I didn’t see them all day. I was home with them all day every day through highschool. So my whole world was centered around my kids. I’m not saying it isn’t hard for other parents whose children live away, surely it is as Julia and Maggie wrote above, I can only talk about how it was for me, and for me we were so close as a family and always together. It is a shock, then, as the years go by, when this is no longer so. At least it has been for me.
And let me be clear I am NOT a clingy mother and I never was. Rachel and I are very close, you know she lives here, but she has a number of very close friends that she spends time with frequently and I am very happy for her to have them. She travels with friends sometimes. She does many things. And I am proud of all 3 of my kids. I would just like to be closer to spend more time together. For 2 of my children that will not be so and 2 or 3 times a year will have to suffice.
I am, however, looking very forward to the writing group tonight. I’m so sorry you can’t be with us….
M. xoxox
I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me but I have not met my Granddaughter’s husband or her two boys. They live in Florida and we moved to NC before she was married. The one good thing was I was close to her when she was young and she’d have sleepovers with us. But for various and sundry reasons we don’t travel anymore, so I haven’t met them. We do face time occasionally and I get to see pictures of them. I can’t look at them for too long or I will cry. Our son lives in Florida too and we talk almost every sunday on the phone and sometimes more. He and his wife come up every few years for about 4 days around Thanksgiving. It’s been a few years since he’s been up. I asked my Granddaughter recently if they were ever going to come up for a visit. She said if they had time. I’ve seen her post trips all over with the other Grandmother. Even as close as South Carolina. I will NOT try to guilt her into coming here when she can go other places. There is no point to that. I hope they are happy and it is what it is. I do have a good life and lots of facebook friends. I don’t sit and dwell on this, there is no point. I don’t want anyone visiting who only comes because they think they should. That would be awful.
You have a beautiful family Maitri and I am so glad you got to visit.
Love, Jean
Dear Jean, first of all thank you so much for your kind comment, it was a really lovely visit and I’m so happy that they were able to come.
And I’m so sorry about your granddaughter. Family is such a complicated thing, isn’t it? I’m so glad your son stays in touch and I hope he will get to visit this year for Thanksgiving. I hope the rest will get resolved in time as well.
I’m sending you love and a gentle warm hug…
Maitri
I have 2 daughters who live in Annapolis, MD; 1 who lives in IL; 1 who lives in FL; 1 who lives in MO; and one who lives in KS. The two in MD came down last week with most of their kids; the IL daughter was here for a few hours 2 weeks ago to pick up a pit bull puppy that one of our granddaughters and her family owned and needed to give to a good home. The one that lives in MO near here and I don’t get along well and I prefer to leave her to her own devises. The daughter in Kansas City, KS, and I chat on occasion. We used to be close. It was nice to see the grandkids from Maryland. They stayed at my husband’s ex-wife’s house in KCMO because she has a multistory house with extra bedrooms. I do miss all our girls and grandkids but I cannot do anything about that. Sometimes we go see them. It’s expensive to do so everytime even if they sometimes buy our tickets. We have to get a dog and cat sitter.
Ah Marge as I said to Jean above families are so complicated. I can’t begin to tell you and won’t go into it the nightmare that existed between my mother and I until she died in 2009. I am grateful, even though it is hard for me that 2 of my children live away, that we are all close emotionally. I did not have that with my parents and I worked hard to have it with my kids. Hearing and reading what others go through I am relieved that I am close to my children, at least in our hearts. I pray that you find a gentle peace with it all in your heart. I wish you well and am sending you a hug…