“And once I remember hearing Mother tell how the Quakers in church sat silently and waited for the ‘inner light.’ ”
Brenda Ueland
Me
I am sitting silently waiting for the inner light to reveal itself. In this moment I have no words, or too many words. I am feeling lost. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, I don’t want to babble on just so I can come up with a blog post. And 322 days in, not having missed a single day, I cannot not write one.
But sometimes filling the space for no other reason than to fill it is not very fulfilling work either. What, then, to do?
So I paged through some of the books piled high here on my desk. I am surrounded with piles of books just now that I have pulled from my bookshelves for the writing of my class material for the Sunday Night Writing Group. And I opened this book, worn and weathered with age, by Brenda Ueland whom I love (Her 1938 book on writing, If You Want To Write: A Book About Art, Independence and Spirit is one of my all-time favorite books on writing. Me is her autobiography.) and I came across the quote at the top of the page. And it made me think.
I am not a church goer. I was raised Catholic, spent most of my adult life as a Buddhist, and in 2009 was ordained an Interfaith Minister. I have spent my life searching and seeking but organized religion has never been able to hold me for long. What I have sought for decades now is what I call “Direct Communion.” I have written about this before. Oh, I believe in God, I talk to God all day long, I am, on some days, what feels like in a continual state of prayer, but I don’t want to sit in a building and have someone preach at me and tell me what I’m supposed to believe, and how I’m supposed to live, and do life in general. The quote that has best described my feeling about the whole matter comes from the Dalai Lama…
“This is my simple religion.
There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.
Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”
If you want to know what I believe that is it.
But, still, I think as we grow older we want to be part of something, we want to have a sense of community. At least I am finding that I do. A couple of years ago I went to Unity Church where I had attended when we lived in Virginia for several years. Lovely people, beautiful teachings, not my cup of tea. I wasn’t comfortable there. I didn’t fit. I left again with the resolve not to look for organized religion because it is just not a fit for me. But then I keep coming back to these simple Quaker teachings. Sitting in silence, in community, no one proselytizing, simply speaking, from the heart, if they are compelled to do so, by the inner light revealed. This is my very simple understanding of how it works and I’m sure it’s not completely accurate, or I don’t really understand it, but for the first time in a long time I am curious. I may just want to know more.
But for now, today, as I sit here waiting for something to be revealed, not something that I feel like I have to say to say something at all, but something that wells up from within that might fit what I have just read about their religion, “Most Friends (Quakers) believe in continuing revelation, which is the religious belief that truth is continuously revealed directly to individuals from God.” (This is exactly the “Direct Communion” I have been seeking for decades.) I am realizing that there is nothing for me to say today. There is the holiness of sitting in meditation and the knowledge that when something is meant to come it will come. In this moment nothing has come. I am satisfied and at peace with silence.
We live in a world where unless the airspace is filled with noise — words, machines, constant idle conversation, the humming of electronic devices, the painful droning on of social media — people become ill at ease. I have been trying to make my life more than it has been because I felt like I had to be a more social creature, as though that was the right way to be. But the thing is I have never been a social creature, not easily, not since I was an only child growing up in a frightening world, or through adulthood when though I loved my family, my children, more than life itself, I always craved solitude and silence in a painful way. I have done well living alone for nearly 20 years. It’s just been in these last years I have begun to get lonely but I have, interestingly, begun to question whether I am really lonely or simply trying to live in a way I feel that I should.
What I do know is this, whether or not I ever attend a Quaker meeting, I want to spend less time talking, unless I really have something to say. I want to wait for the inner light to be revealed. That made sense to me when I read it, it felt right, and it somehow eased my heart. I have never been able to bear social settings where people prattled on about surface matters and random conversation. I have been trying to be what I am not just to fit in with others. I am not going to do this any longer.
This is even reflected in the way that I teach. In the writing we go very deep. When we read we read only what we wrote. No more. I don’t allow conversation, or explanations, or critique. The writing stands alone. It is a container of profound depth and wisdom. We sit with what we wrote and let it teach us what it needs to teach us. It is not a social group, it is not a support group, it is a place where deep truths are uncovered, where what is holy and profound deep inside us is revealed. An inner alchemy happens when we sit in the silence with what we have written. Some people don’t like this and leave. They want to chatter on, they want the class to be a social gathering. It is not and it is never going to be. When we write the inner light is revealed. We sit and bask in its glow.
I never quite understood this in the way that I have today and I have been teaching these classes for 40 years. This Sunday Night Writing Group is a deeply spiritual process, writing as a spiritual practice, you are here to do the deep work or you may leave and if you do I bless you, release you, and pray that you find what is exactly the thing that you really need. I only want to work with people who will commit deeply, who want to change their lives. And this work will do that.
I had no idea I was going to write about my writing classes here. I just realized the connection as I started to write. Perhaps that was the inner light revealed that I needed to see today. We are 4 weeks into these classes tomorrow night. I get clearer each week about what this is and I am deeply moved as I see it unfold, and as an incredible number of women show up each week to do the work. Maybe I don’t have to sit in a Quaker meeting. Maybe I just need to be here. Hmm, that is something I will think about. But today I need nothing more than this. Kindness, silence, and the inner light revealed. No more, no less. This is what I want. I think I am getting clearer on my life and what I want it to be. This is a greater revelation than I imagined I would come to today when I started writing this, but I know something else. I have been in a lot of pain, I have really been suffering, because I was trying to live a way I thought I was supposed to. I was trying to live a way I thought others wanted me to. But I simply want silence, peace, and to do my work. I want Direct Communion with God. And I will have it. I need nothing more, not now. I just heaved a sigh of relief. I have been trying so hard to be something I am not. That stops today.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
i have attended the quaker fellowship here in tally for many years, intermittently, as we also go to the unitarian church. it is very restful and soothing to sit with others, and then to have someone stand and speak their truth, what they have been urged by the inner light to share. then, silence again. no back and forth responses. it is easier to go deep when others are meditating near by. there is to use maitri’s word an “alchemy” that happens in the shared space. sitting quietly for an hour with only the occasional words offered, is definitely a challenge and an opportunity. when my mind insists on being busy, at least i write PEACE acrostics in my head as my eyes are closed and i look SO SO peaceful ha ha
so maitri, if there is a quaker fellowship near you, you might consider….
as you – we – noticed, as you write your blog, things come up, get explored, and then resolved. it is the special magic of writing that allows and encourages this. thank you for sharing your insights with us…
xo
ka
Thank you for reminding me that you attended the Quaker meetings sometimes Ka. I had known that but forgotten and I really appreciated your insights. You know my problem is that I have a very hard time leaving the deep peace that I have here to go elsewhere. But I am curious and I will bear it in mind. I’m pretty sure there is a Quaker fellowship in town somewhere but I don’t know where or anything about it.
And yes, the magic of writing will take you where you want to go, every time. Did it not I would never have made it through this project without missing a day. As you know I was at a loss as to what I would write here today, but then I found the quote, and on I went. It never fails. I might not trust a lot of other things in life but I trust writing completely.
I will really miss you in class tomorrow night and the in the weeks to come while you are on vacation. I hope you can join us again soon…
M. xoxox
Your blog posts of the last three days have really resonated with me. 🙂
I have also been super challenged to find my way into Acceptance with my life as it is today; somehow, being a caregiver of two(ish, as Jonathan doesn’t take up as much bandwidth as mom does), while shuffling along under a decent foothill of debt, wasn’t what I had envisioned for myself in my mid-forties. The only thing that comes close to matching is the presence of the cats, who have saved my sanity more times than I care to admit.
It came to me recently: for someone who prides herself on keeping her own counsel about living her life, I find that I have placed an awful lot of value upon other’s opinions on how I “should” be, which is why the Comparison Monster has such a painful bite. When I find this happening, I do my best to root it out and toss out the invalid measuring stick.
Interesting you should mention silence: I crave it, as it allows me to recenter properly. My husband avoids it, as the stinking thinking in his head becomes too loud. My bestie is a convert: where she needed white noise once (for the same reason as hubs), the noise became more insane outside of her head, and now Silence is her balm. I keep hoping that if we get out into Nature for an extended period of time, hubs will also convert – but I’m not holding my breath.
I would be happy to sit in Silence with you anytime. 🙂
Sweet Victoria… ah… acceptance. I have been having a hellacious battle with it over the last 24 hours. Coming through into a clearing, feeling better, and then plummeting into the darkness again. But now I feel better again. Each time I am able to come back up into the light I am able to hold on a little longer. I am feeling very much at peace right now.
I could not cope without copious amounts of silence and solitude. I know that I have written lately about being lonely, and surely I am not closed to having a loving relationship in my life, but honestly it would be both very hard for me to find as I rarely go out into the world to meet people at all, and then it would, I think, be very hard for me to sustain a relationship because I do need an inordinate amount of time alone to be okay. So now I am finding my way to embrace this solitude, and trying to find gentler ways to cope when the loneliness cuts deep as it surely will from time to time. I know it is near impossible for you with your mother and husband but I worked hard to find time for solitude when I was married and raising and homeschooling 3 young children. I would get up at 5 a.m. to have time alone before the rest of the household awoke. Some years I worked through the night and the peace of those hours when everyone was asleep saved me. There is a way to find a way. Not easy, but possible.
Let me know how this goes for you. I can feel how much you need it and I am hoping you find your way with this. Love you honey…
I utterly see the wisdom of the Silence until the Holy Spirit ( to me, as a born again Christian) prompts me to say something or reveal a Truth. In the past, I’ve been quick to cover silence because it has been uncomfortable. I am in a great Learning chamber with the SNWG. Thank you for the clarification and the opportunity, Maitri.
You are so welcome dear Marge and I am so glad that you can join us. And the longer you sit with your writing and maintain silence around it the more you will see what a powerful process this is. Looking forward to seeing you in class tomorrow night…
❤️
And to you too dear Maggie…
It is so interesting to read this, at this moment. We returned from Quebec just about a week ago, then had my sister and her husband visit for three days (Tues-Thursday), which we were glad about, as they seldom travel now. Then I had two days (today and yesterday) at a gardening symposium here that’s great — excellent speakers, catching up with a lot of friends and acquaintances who were also there, and chatting with new people.
But…this is more interaction with folks in that time frame than I normally have, and especially after being in a largely French-speaking place for over two months!
I’m tired. And ready for a bit of silence and reflection, too. Thank goodness it was a gardening symposium and the venue had a wonderful courtyard garden for lunchtime— I always appreciate our own garden with a special sense of knowing that we’ve created (another) space that we love. “Home Outside” was the title of one talk today. Perfect.
Lisa, you have been very busy indeed! I can certainly see why you need silence and reflection. I’m glad you had a place at your gardening symposium for some quiet time. I’m looking forward to seeing you in class tomorrow night. I hope you have some peaceful, restful time when you go to Germany…