It is the dawning of a new day.
321 days ago I set out to find happiness, or to find out how I could find happiness, and it has taken me this long to realize what my biggest stumbling block to happiness is. It has been holding onto what no longer is and can never be again, and not simply accepting what is, as it is, and making the most of it. This sounds so simple but it’s not. We think we have long since let go of things that continue to haunt our dreams and cast shadows on our days… “If only I had… If only I hadn’t… If only they would… Please, please, please let it be different… What can I do to make him, her, them do ________________ so everything will be the way it used to be (or never was)? What if? Surely it must be possible to… How can I make it be so? I’ll do anything to make it be so!”
Well I did. Or didn’t. And they are doing what they must do for themselves in their own lives and that doesn’t mean they don’t love me. And I have spent so much time lamenting the passing of what was and can never be again that the present moment was ever and always slip-sliding away. And today, suddenly, for some reason that I cannot understand, the most miraculous thing happened. I saw what is, right now, in this moment. And I saw that the past is past, and that the future will be more gloriously happy if I show up, right now, in this moment, and make the most of it, celebrate it, feel all the love and the joy as it is right here, and right now, and accept it all.
Acceptance is the most powerful thing there is. How much of our lives do we spend/lose wishing some things hadn’t happened, afraid that some things will happen, and agonizing over the fact that we can’t make things be like we want them to be? Things will seldom be exactly what we want them to be when there are other people involved, but if we accept what is, and make the most of it, and find ways to give more of ourselves to the present moment, and love big and love more expansively exactly what is, well, I think that’s where miracles can occur.
I know that I am being very vague. What I am writing about is too personal and involves other people so I cannot be more specific, but suffice it to say that today I had a breakthrough, and it has been a long time coming. Today I saw what was instead of what I wanted/wished/hoped it would be, and in that moment I was set free, and in that freedom I was able to feel greater joy, more love, and more possibility for future happiness than I dreamed might be possible.
Things will not be what I wanted them to be. But things are lovely and beautiful right now, as they are. Today that is enough. Now perhaps I just might find happiness afterall, now maybe there is hope for me. I woke up to what is, and let go of what can never be. This is the only way to find peace. I think I have just begun to find my way.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
What a lovely blog, Maitre.
Thank you Marge honey…
with you all the way, dear sister. think of how far you’ve come, with just a few human relapses, and you pick yourself up (over and over) and move on, and find joy, peace, fullness, right where you are. damn, we keep having to learn that lesson over and over, but learn it we do, that fragile crystal ball that reflects back our authentic self, our beauty, determination, courage, and points us toward the bliss (and serenity) that are waiting, waiting for us to show up! and show up you do, have you noticed???
Yes dear sister, hand in hand we go…
And the thing about having a very dear friend of decades is that you know and see these things and tell me, I tend not to notice until later, in retrospect, and then I can be far harder on myself than might be warranted. It’s good to have you to point these things out to me. I appreciate it more than I can say. And I love you dearly. Keep holding the mirror up for me and reminding me…
M. xoxox
Yes, this is so true. I have to work on this a lot. Not only do others have to take care of themselves and do what they feel they need to do at the time but we do too. We could only do what we could do at the time. If we knew differently we would do differently. I keep telling myself this when things come up that I wish were different. It helps but it sure isn’t always easy. I wish for this to be easy for you.
Love, Jean
Thank you dear Jean and yes, yes, and yes, and despite everything that I have written here it is still hard and despite my best efforts and a resolve as firm as I can muster I still dissolve into tears and my heart breaks over some of it. I am just going to keep doing the best I can. We will do the best we can together. I think if we reach out to one another here it helps, it surely helps me, I appreciate you all so much.
I wish this were easier for all of us. We just have to hold on and keep trying.
I am sending you love and a gentle warm hug Jean. I wish I could do more…
Byron Katie helped me realize this years ago when I read Loving What Is. I still struggle sometimes, of course, but there truly is something beautiful in the present moment. I remember once when my heart seemed shattered beyond repair. I thought I would never be happy or experience love again. One day I realized the shattering of my heart allowed it to break free of its confines and grow bigger than ever before. Until that moment, I was closed to possibility. Love to you, Maitri! 💕
Ah Maggie, I have Byron Katie’s book, have had for ages, and have tried hard to get into her work but somehow I just have never been able to get through it. I have tried multiple times. But I admire her greatly and think what she did is so important. I have read so much, studied mindfulness, taught it even, did mindfulness mentoring, I believe in it with my whole heart. But then we are human, with tender, and sometimes fragile human hearts. We do the best that we can and we just keep on trying and never give up. And I never will give up. Some days its easier than others. Tonight my heart is feeling very tender. My family is here and it is so sweet and so wonderful but then makes my heart ache all the more because they will go back home. I don’t do well having 2 of my 3 children living out of town. It breaks my heart. But it is what it is. I just pray for the grace to handle it as well as possible. I want to do this well. The world is far too mobile for my tender heart. I long for the days when families always lived close. But I am practicing loving and letting go as best I can. God help me I hope I can find my way to living easier with this. It is the hardest thing in my life…
I also had a hard time with Byron Katie. I had to choose the part of her writing that spoke to me. ‘The Work’ was too obtuse for me. I loved her personal experiences most of all.
We lived with extended family when I was growing up, too – it was such a good experience. So I understand how bittersweet it is to have your loved ones far away. I go through the same thing. It is even harder when we spend a lot of time alone. Just know you can reach out to me anytime. You are not alone. 💕 You are in my prayers.
Thank you Maggie, you are very dear…
This post really spoke to me Maitri. I am just back from a week long vacation from internet so I am sorry I haven’t been around much. Life has been so crazy for me lately. I take it one day at a time. Your post today is making me think about how I need to stop beating myself up and give myself the same grace I give others. It seems like lately I analyze the things I have said, what I could have said differently, how I “should” think on things more and just keep my darn mouth shut before responding. If only, if only …blah blah. If only things were said differently and done differently, etc. But you know it is torture to keep doing this to ourselves. What is IS. If I stick to my belief that everything unfolds as it should and everything happens for a reason, or for my highest good, then I can be present and just relax in the fact that there are no accidents and it is all ok. I don’t know exactly what you are going through, but I do relate to what you write here. I will save this post for when I need a reminder to just let go and have acceptance of what actually IS. Right now. In this moment. Oh that is so hard to do lately. However , none of us knows what the future holds and I am sure it will all be grand! 🙂
Ah dear Bekah, the more we cling to the past and keep hashing it over — as I, as we all surely have done — the less time and energy there is to give to the present moment where our real life, our only life, truly is. Act on what you know to be true for you, and your inner guidance system is very strong and very clear, it won’t steer you wrong, and then sit firmly in that knowledge. Do NOT let others define what is right for you, or make you feel guilty about your choices. They can only make you feel guilty if you let them. Bless them and let them go. You don’t need those people in your life and if you DO keep those kind of people in your life, well, that is a choice too. And you will pay for making those choices. Actions have consequences, even those we make for ourselves. And we can’t possibly know what the future holds but we can know this for sure, today, well lived, will give us a better shot at the best future possible. Someone very wise told me that more than once, and finally I listened and was able to take it in. That, of course, was you. 🙂 I love you honey. Take care of you…