UPDATE: While all the below will hold true for a date soon Jeff called me and had to leave the restaurant to go to another work emergency and won’t be there at all so we are rescheduling. I’ll still be going, and soon, just not tonight…
A couple of months ago my friends had me as their guest at their new restaurant. I used to go to their first restaurant and always had a good time but it had been quite awhile. I had gotten out of the habit of going anywhere. I was afraid to go out. But I screwed up my courage, got dressed up, and went. I had a lovely dinner and a couple of glasses of wine spread out over 3 1/2 hours. I was not the least bit tipsy but pulling out of the parking lot I misjudged where some bumps were in the road and went over them, I mean I was barely out of the parking lot! But I was pulled over by the police. I wrote all about it. The police officer was very nice, said he knew I was fine but had to do his tests, which of course proved I was just fine and he let me go, but it shook me up so badly I have not gone out since. It scared the bejesus out of me!
But here’s the thing, not leaving your house except for the requisite doctor’s appointments and groceries, never going anywhere for fun or to do anything, and being so alone in the world, well, it wears thin. More than thin. Jeff said today that I should come to the restaurant for dinner tonight. I teetered on the brink of saying no and then what went through my head was, “If I don’t get out of this house I am going to lose my friggin’ mind.” I am going. I am still scared, but I’m going.
How does one re-enter the world after so long? At 64 with no partner to share the experience with. And like last time the restaurant will be incredibly busy but I know going into tonight that I will be sitting alone. Jeff will pop over when he can to say hello but for the most part I will be alone. It’s okay this time because I know that going in. Last time he said he’d spend the evening with me and then didn’t, couldn’t, was needed in the kitchen a lot of the time and then had to leave to go to his other business and unfortunately couldn’t come back (and hadn’t let me know because he didn’t think it was going to be an issue.). The whole evening kind of went awry and then there was the thing with the police. It was enough to make my blood run cold and indeed it did. But today is a new day. I feel like if I don’t do this now I never will, and then what will happen to me?
So I’m going. I’m scared but I’m going. I grew up on horses. I rode English saddle, spent years at horse shows jumping high jumps. There were accidents of course. You get thrown, you go hurtling through the air and more than once I was carted off to the hospital in an ambulance. But you had to get back on the horse. You always had to get back on. Until the stakes got too high, literally, jumping 5′ fences in competitions on a horse that was young and wild. I was nearly killed. Finally I wouldn’t even go to the stables. My horse was sold and that was it. I never rode again, and I miss horses terribly to this day. If you don’t get back on the horse it all ends, and it is heartbreaking.
Now, at 64, I am at a scary, confusing time in my life. I don’t know how to do this alone and I don’t have any choice. And if I don’t start finding my way out into the world, a little bit, here and there, how will I ever meet people? I am likely never going to be a big “goer-outter” but I’m telling you being a hermit wears thin. I am ready to try again.
Hold a good thought for me, will you? I will let you know in tomorrow’s blog post how it went. I think it will be okay, I hope it will, but I know this for sure, if I don’t get out there, if I don’t begin to try to live, I am going to be like a piece of fruit that dies on the vine. Finally it is a choice to live. I want to live.
The Experiment ~A 365 Day Search For Truth, Beauty &
Happiness: Day 1 ~ Introduction To The Project
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
Yoda
Live, my darling, live!
I’ve been somewhat where you are.
Takes intense courage and you can do it.
I believe in and am thrilled by you!
Great love flowing to you.
Thank you so much dear Beverley, I’m scared but I’m going. Hold a good thought! 🙂
Dearest Maitri,
Go out to dinner, enjoy yourself, maybe reward yourself with wine once at home. The world is ready for you whenever you are ready for it. I understand your fear. But you have decided to have a life and slowly but surely you will expand your horizons as you feel safe. Enjoy the evening. Enjoy the world.
We are all here singing your praises.
Gentle hugs dear one,
Lauren
Thank you so much Lauren honey, it is scary for sure but what’s the alternative, right? It is as though I have come to a crossroads and I can stay put, never leave the house, never meet people or make friends, or I can start to venture out, a little here, a little there, and see what happens. I don’t know what will happen but I’m ready to find out. (She said, kind of shaking in her boots!)
Hold a good thought for me, will you honey? A prayer or two wouldn’t hurt either… 🙂
Ask if there is a another singleton dining…..and offer to sit together. you dont even have to talk. just be momentary companions.
That’s a lovely thought Sherri, thank you… 🙂
Dear Brave Maitri,
I am so glad you are going out again. Of course I will hold a lot of good thoughts for you. I will be with you in my thoughts as if I was going with you and sitting with you having a conversation about books, May Sarton and the others we like. What fun that would be. Imagine all of us in your Sunday night writing group with you eating, sipping and enjoying wonderful conversations. I’m sure we will all be with you in spirit along with your many loving angels. My won’t the restaurant be crowded with wonderful loving, creative energy.
I’m looking forward to reading how it goes tonight. Yay!
Much love and support, Jean
Thank you so much dear Jean, and yes, wouldn’t it be lovely if we could all be around a big table together? I would love that. Zoom is as close as we can come for now though and I’m really loving that! And yes, will you please whisper in an angel’s ear to be with me tonight. I’d really appreciate that. I think it would help a lot.
I’ll let everybody know how it goes in tomorrow’s blog post and I will see you in class tomorrow night! 🙂
Hugs,
Maitri
Dear Jean, that sounds wonderful!! I can see you all there, laughing and chatting a way and I feel the Love at this table.
Oh Maitri, just imagine! And the other guests are looking over wondering who all these vibrant women are. Then someone says: oh, it’s Maitri Libellule with her Sunday Writing Group, she’s the famous writer and teacher. And they are here at Jeff’s, just like us ordinary people
🙂
Ha ha ha Silke wouldn’t that be fun, and you should be with us too! But I had to laugh out loud at “the famous writer and teacher.” Kind of made me giggle. I needed that! 😀
I’ve just sat down with my coffee here on Sunday morning and am starting my day and it is amazingly not raining but rain is predicted for later. The sun is going in and out of the clouds and I’m just grateful to have a little reprieve. I’m sending you a big hug. Kiss Ben on the nose for me! 🙂
Sending all good thoughts for a lovely evening in Jeff’s restaurant. I’m so glad that he has created a new and vibrant place that is doing well.
Stepping out is the only way to meet new people in person, that’s for sure!
Thank you Lisa and yes the restaurant is really lovely and doing really well. They are so generous to have me as their guest. The food is divine! I’m scared but I’m looking forward to it too and I think I really need to do this and come home with everything having gone fine so I can get on the other side of last time’s bad experience. It is important to help me move forward.
Onward and upward! 🙂
Oh man Maitri !!!
Do you understand how your courage has tripled out to me?
I need to not be alone also .. yes I have charlie and yes he is my driver … but I think its time to look around and start to go out and join in the free senior fun stuff in this county.
So tonight I will look up what is out there.. if nothing .. well then I guess I will have to make something up …
Charlie will take me and drop me off if I want to join say the book club… he is so loving like that never thinks of himself having to wait around or what is he gonna do?
I would love to find something we can do together out in the world … when I get stronger wonder if he would take dance lessons with me and learn the waltz…
I know you will have a good time even alone .. cause you can watch other people .. study how they interact and maybe some new people to write about or draw?
have fun Maitri … love you
Julia, I just put up an update. Jeff called and has another work emergency that is taking him away from the restaurant tonight, he won’t be there at all. So I won’t be going tonight but will soon.
And what you have with Charlie is so sweet. I hope you find something lovely to do soon…
Hugs to you,
Maitri
UPDATE!!!
Jeff just texted me that he had to leave the restaurant to go to a major emergency on his other job so tonight is off, but soon…
Sigh…
Le sigh…… You will have another chance, dear one. Breathe deep. You will be able to do this. Wish your Pink Butt could be there with you to laugh, eat and drink (and then take an Uber home) 😉. Love to you always 😘
Le Sigh indeed…
“Sigh”
But, okay, I have to ask, and likely I am forgetting something VERY important, but… “Pink Butt?”
Do tell.
Tracy was Pink Butterfly, aka “Pink Butt,” on SARK’s old MMB.
and on a related note…
Hi Tracy!! *waves*
Oh yes, of course! Pink Butterfly! Ha ha ha Pink Butt! How wonderful! 😀
oh well … charlie and call that false labor .. we will return lol
I hope jeff will be okay!
we all know you could do it and you will!
False labor, I love that!
And yes, I can and I will. Tonight Jeff had other business obligations that were an emergency, part of the nature of his business. But we had a lovely Saturday night group. I’m so glad you could be there Julia!
And I look so forward to tomorrow night’s writing group! Yay!
🙂
Maitri…
“you are braver than you believe…stronger than you seem….smarter than you think…and loved more than you know.” Winnie the Poo
Know that when the opportunity comes again, just walk your self into that restaurant and enjoy the hell out of it!
Thank you dear Lynn, I shall! 🙂
Big love and hugs to you honey…
What can I say that everyone else hasn’t already said? I’m sorry it didn’t happen tonight-but it will soon and, when it does, it will be lovely.
Thank you Moira, yes, it will, all things happen in the right and proper time, I truly believe that. And that you honey, I think it will be lovely too… 🙂
Look at it this way. You will never meet a new friend or companion if you don’t get out once in a while. Nothing to lose but possibly something very special to gain. Trust the universe to guide and protect you. You can do it. Hey at a very lonely and Confused time when I had made the hard decision to end my marriage of 27 years I took a chance to respond to a man who was funny and flirtatious and very safe since he was many many miles away. We were married 22+ years ago. You never know 😁 best risk i ever took.
Oh Paula, is that your Kevin? I would love to hear more about how you and Kevin came together. You know my dear husband of 31 years was a Kevin… Now I wonder, I hope, I feel shy, I don’t dare risk …. or do I? I would love to believe that I would not have to be alone for the rest of my life. But for me, now, it would be a woman I would want to be with, and I don’t know if she is out there. I have very specific needs and a lot to offer on the other hand. I am not easy, but I think I’m worth it! I feel shy to say that. What if, because of what your life has been, you don’t have a lot financially, but you have so much else to offer, is that enough? I wonder. And I feel so shy I can barely breathe thinking about it. If so I think I shouldn’t risk it, but, I do wonder….
Yes, that is my Kein. Met online became good friends and it grew into love. Oh I fought it. Kevin is 15 years younger and I’m from that generation where that was a no-no. I had to give in though. My mother was horrified but it didn’t take long to become quite close. His mother? Well, let’s not go into that. In the end she and I overcame it, but it was a rough road. See, he is an old soul. We are peas from the same pod. When we finally met it was pure magic. Once we locked eyes I truly and honestly don’t remember seeing another soul in O’Hare Airport. 3 months later I moved up to Chicagoland and 8 months later we flew to Las Vegas and tied the knot (you see, we “met” in a chat room called Las Vegas. his idea, he is so romantic) There have been ups and downs as in all relationships but time has flown. The child we lost because I had uterine cancer would be 18. I just turned 71 but it still doesn’t really make a difference. Oh there’s so much more to the story but we can save it for another time. It’s already after midnight. By the way, our oldest cat/child Gracie is doing amazing. You wouldn’t know she had major surgery Wednesday evening. WE are so lucky. So why couldn’t it happen for you. Gosh, i was 46, you are 64 not that much difference. If she is out there the universe will work out the details. Just go with the flow. You just never know Your heart will.
Oh Paula what a lovely, romantic story! I’m so happy for you.
After my marriage ended I had a few internet relationships that turned into SUCH disasters I can’t begin to tell you. I really took a hit in my life in some pretty awful ways. I won’t go there again. It would have to be real and in person for me where I could take time to really get to know someone, it’s the only way I’d feel safe, but then I guess one never really knows how things will unfold. I’m just very happy it worked out so beautifully for you honey…. 🙂
i hope you had a lovely evening, dearest woman.
did you get a group chat together, while you ate your yummy dinner?
i spent an hour doing the crossword puzzle in The Week magazine (a kind of digest of news) a hard puzzle, and enjoyed every quiet moment of it. Now my husband and i are going to give each other a little healing touch on our kitchen massage table
a wild saturday night ha ha ha xo ka
Darling Ka… I had a wonderful dinner, a little wine, a fabulous chat with a group of women who serendipitously came together. And tomorrow night is the writing group, I’m looking so forward to that.
Isn’t it interesting what life brings. I sit in awe…
M. xoxox